"being friends?"

He told me none of his exs will speak to him one day when I told him I had spoken to an ex boyfriend and asked if he was friends with any of his exs (trying to be open and not sneaky with him about what I do). I did not press him, but now I know WHY. I wonder just how many women he trashed and abandoned? I was his only long term relationship, though I guess he had girls he screwed around with for a few years at a time...it was the LEAST close relationship I ever had and for him it was the MOST close relationship he ever had. He only valued male companionship for friendship. Seems he tolerated women for sex and intimacy and to look normal to other guys. It was fascinating to me to see how important if was to him to make guys think that women are interested in him...His guy friends were all married, but he was forever Peter Pan - the bachelor. I read an article about him on the internet from 20 years ago and at 34 he was already a self-proclaimed bachelor and proud momma's boy... Friendship? With what? A ghost? He did some nice things for me, but almost never voluntarily...on my birthday he would do a bunch of things for me because he never had money for gifts! I am going off topic but I KNOW he would never be a friend to me, especially without the game of sex! He would probably leave me for road kill if I was injured and he would have to leave a group of buddies and be inconvenienced. Or arrive so late that someone else had already helped...not a friend, never a friend - like one of you told me before, the nice things he did for me were to make himself feel good...

After the final D&D, *I* was the one telling the ex-Psych professor that we could be "just friends" after I had declared my love to him. I told him that I had considered him my friend since my sophomore year, because I hadn't been enrolled in his classes. Since we hadn't been sexually/romantically involved, I assumed we could be friends. But the theme of the whole final D&D was how we could NOT be friends... even when I was mere months from graduation. He snapped at me after the final D&D, "I was NEVER your friend." As for Ns/Ps going away from the whole experience unscathed-I think I dealt him some Narc wounds. Because he doesn't come back to me. I made HIM look at HIMSELF... even if it wasn't pretty. I was the one who tried to destroy his delusions of grandeur, even if it hurt. It was after I met the girlfriend that the Great Reversal began... I no longer walked around campus crying. I cleaned myself up. I got my act together. I focused on my studies. Yes, I managed to graduate. I'd be the one speaking serenely to the ex-P while he was throwing tantrums. But *I* was the one who told him we could be "just friends." But he said, "oh, sometimes teacher/student relationships stay teacher/student forever... and sometimes it grows into friendship." The on-campus therapist (his colleague, another professor no less) said that YES, when he told me he was never my friendship, she validated my feelings of betrayal. In her eyes, I wasn't crazy. She said "He's a teacher, not your friend"-but without judgmentalism (it FELT that way at the time) Still, she validated that I felt profoundly betrayed.

They can do exactly the same thing to you as a "best friend" as they can as your partner. Believe me. It's just as excruciating, but with the added twist of dangling the full-on relationship in front of your as a means to secure your supply, as was my case. Of course, I'm not talking about a former husband, but pain is pain and there's no way he can stop from behaving the only way he knows how. That's who he is.

With a narc, if they want to be "friends", they're only looking for NS. He put you into his "best friend" category because he's buttering you up to use as his supply. You said you felt bad for him. That's exactly what he's hoping for. Narcs want to have their cake and eat it, too. He doesn't want to be married to you or treat you how deserve. He wants supply. Xnh has tried this, and I think he still has delusions that "some day" I'll come around and we'll be "friends" again. It won't happen. That would be a relationship that is extremely one-sided just like it was before (all for his benefit and under his control only). IMO, friendship (or any relationship for that matter) should be mutually beneficial. A true friend does not treat you the way xnh treated me. They don't disregard your wishes, demean and devalue you, put you down, cheat on you, lie, break promises, hurt you either emotionally or physically, disparage you behind your back, or insult you directly in front of others either. That is NOT a friend. A real friend cares about you for the person you are, and treats you with respect. If they goof up and hurt you, they feel real remorse, and try NOT to hurt you again because they value you as a person, and they value your friendship. Xnh did not treat me like a friend. Actions speak louder than words. He treated me like a tool in his equipment box, and not even a particularly favored tool at that. I was the wrench that was left out on the driveway to rust in the rain, used like a hammer, and ran over multiple times with his car merely because he couldn't be bothered to take proper care of something that could have lasted him a lifetime. When the jaws of the wrench finally quit working, I was thrown into the trash and told that it was all my fault. And he wants to be my "friend" after all of that? I think not. There is not enough repairing in this universe to fix that wrench (relationship). In my book, he blew it. He had his chance (a nice long 16-year chance) to truly be my friend. I deeply loved him. I really wanted to be his friend in the most honest sense of the term. Xnh did not return the favor. Now it's over. The time for friendship has passed. Any friendship with xnh would never be a true friendship. By being "friends" with xnh, I would merely be consenting to being once more mistreated, devalued, and xnh's worse than discarded tool. To me, that's NOT a friendship. Being "friends" with a narc is only setting yourself up to be used, hurt, and abused some more by the narc, and then they discard and devalue you (again) whenever the urge hits them. To that I say not only "NO", but "HELL NO". Remain NC. You are absolutely correct. You are so much better off on your own. You deserve better. Hugs.

"lets be friends " .. "i miss my best friend" ... lets just look at that statement "my best friend" if you where to be a pick a best friend (rolls eyes are we 6 years old here ) would that person be like the narc ? with all his shaming , lying ,belittling , gaslighting ,double speak ,devauleing , puting you in danger of STD ... i could go on but you get the message. Just because you have taken sex out of the equation dosnt mean he will all of a sudden becime a deasent human being , in fact he is already messing with youre head with the narcs ridiculous mixed messages .. it never ends with a cluster b , they make you crazy , end of story . I would say that you miss him , sometimes i miss my narc so much it hurts but i know i cant have him in my life . Its ok to miss him and love him its not ok to do anything about it .. big love xx

I keep saying I'm going to take a nap then I peek on here...and HERE I AM....LOL I'm going to keep it simple.... Rose Colored glasses...I understand you took them off...kindly remove them from the counter, throw them on the floor and jump up and down on them twenty times. Have a drink of water, or a glass of wine... Come back to the forum, go to the Share your story section...click on the hyperlink that says topic...this will alpebetize the list...scroll down to "Playedwithfire's Story" That's all I'm going to say. I won't lecture you...you had a moment where you forgot...it happens... Go back to your story and REMEMBER the REAL Story... Hugs...

That's number one on their D &D list! I believe everyone of us had been dished, "let's be friends" Played with Fire, this guy never changes! I'm sorry for that but if you allow him back in all the time you'll never get better and move forward! He's not good for your heart & soul ! Idealk

I hope you've been doing well. I think the 'friends/best friend' thing translates to: 'unlimited supply that is does not require maintenance.' Contact with him always messes with you a bit... ...I am happy that you notice that you are not caught in the web of lies. That's all it is, you know. Sincerely (barely) spinning any more!

Let me collect my thoughts, before I pop off about the whole "Der, can we still be friends???" BULLSHIT. It's a scam. Hm! Gets my blood pressure up!