how long is NC suppose to go on for?

57 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Mar 20 - 11AM
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

how long is NC suppose to go on for?

Ok, before everybody jumps in and says "forever" let me try to explain why I am asking this.

I understand the point of NC and that it entails absolute NC (ie no checking emails in the junk folder, etc.). NC is suppose to give us a time to heal, to look at ourselves w/o the white noise of the toxic relationship in the background. It's the only way to disengage ourselves from the PDI. Etc. Etc.

Ok.

But, in reality, does NC really last forever? Does he really disappear from your life, your heart, your mind, for good? Does it really work that way? I would love for it to be like this. But I have a feeling it doesn't...

So...perhaps I am still thinking in my small little box, and not able to accept and see the big picture, but is there such a thing as a "good time" after NC to finally say the things you wanted to say? Perhaps to give yourself some closure?

Is there a "right" amount of NC? Not as in is there a magic number, but have people found that after a certain amount of NC, they felt it was ok to stop with the blocking and junk mail forwarding and all of that. NC feels like a lot of work for me right now. I know those of you who have spoke to me know I am struggling with NC because my N has been hoovering like mad.

This NC process has been really tough. Today is day 5 of NC for me. But I have been checking the junk mail so I guess these days don't count. Last night I was really struggling with a lot of things and feeling a whirlwind of emotions. Found out that a woman he promised to remove from FB, he did not. (I caught him cybersexing with her, while we were dating strong.) It really broke me. And it took all strength not to write him and to get angry and to write to her as well.

What does NC look like after a while and does it remain NC indefinitely?

:( I'm having a really hard time.

Mar 21 - 3AM
ImStrong
ImStrong's picture

Nc has no expired date its a

Nc has no expired date its a badge of honor..once youve erned it ..thats it..you honor it forever..its for you not him..you need to get that out your head..if not NC is going to feel like a chore a whole lot of work...when you are nc its basically restrains for you..we couldnt hold ourselves back from them on our own so we needed nc... Forget about him he nolonger exhists..you have your new life back..you have your life period...be nc for you..he doesnt give a shit if he sees you again..you shouldnt either.. Nc is to remind yourself again whos Boss..

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

Mar 21 - 10AM (Reply to #56)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Dazed & Seeking

" its a badge of honor..once youve erned it ..thats it..you honor it forever..its for you not him.." I think these ladies have it spot on, in my estimation. Especially, the above quote from ImStrong. She's right. It's not a death sentence for YOU, Dazed, it's a boundary, a wall you put up against HIM. To keep out the disease, if you will. So you can get better. You can't fix him, you can only do you. We can't change them, no matter how much we wanted it to work. We can only better ourselves. We're the ones with the ability to recover, and change for the better. I wish we could say the same about Ns/Ps. I know what you mean, about it seeming like a chore. It's painful to learn to let go. I'm still learning to do the same right now. It is NOT enjoyable, but it is necessary. That's what I think.
Mar 20 - 10PM
CougarBabe7
CougarBabe7's picture

NC

For me, NC with my exBorderline went on until I felt comfortable and entirely sure that no matter how much or how often he tried to hoover me, I would NEVER give in! THIS took some time - I'd say about 2 years. I break NC now about once every month or 2. I'll email or text him. Sometimes I'll even go by the garage where he hangs out after work to say hi. I guess maybe this might be because 1) we started out as just friends 2) I've known him for 29 years and 3) I understand that he never asked to have a PD & that he is also a victim of it. He even knows that I'm in the process of writing a book about Cluster B personality disorders & wished me good luck with it. And I happen to believe that he does feel guilty about how much his disorder harmed me. I say this because at one point, as I was crying really hard when our relationship was falling apart, he said "I think you should walk away from this now." And when I said "why?" He said "because believe me, you'll be much better off." He knows deep down inside that he's the one with the problem! Otherwise, why would he say something like that to me? Saying what he said to me that day was a BIG CLUE to me that he was being really truthful about himself in that brief moment. HE RELEASED ME SO THAT I COULD BE FREE TO HEAL AND MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. He even told me that the entire time we were together, he felt like I deserved someone "better." (I don't think a Narc would EVER say that!) So I guess I'm a bit thankful to him for being honest with me for once in his life & for feeling sorry for hurting me - telling me straight out that it was never going to get any better. So can I ever go NC with him forever? Nope, probably not. As for my exNarcs, NC will go on forever. Hugs! ♥
Mar 20 - 5PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Nc is a state of mind more

Nc is a state of mind more than anything else . its the point you get to where you know that it is either him or you . Checking youre inbox or spam dose not count as breaking nc , if that is the case my wish for a carryer pigeon to bring me a message would have been a serious breach :) . You go NC when you realise there is nothing more you can do to make youre relationship work , you go NC when you realise that every interaction leaves you drained and feeling like a good bath . Most of us break NC and thats ok , we are normal loving women who need to make sure that the love of our lives is a crazy little freak . I did several "one last look " ... NC wont work if you use it as a punishment for his bad behaviour hoping he will see sence and be the man you hoped he could be . NC is the end , and yes it lasts for ever .I knew that i had to false myself to go no contact , it wasnt a natural decision but i was at the end and about to go mad so i took the advice from this board to do it and really it was the only way to get my head back , to get me back .I had tried EVERYTHING i had to make it work , i loved this man so much , my goodness i did ,but everytime i tried contact it felt like he was bashing me over the head with a cricket bat . What was so hard was the toxic believe that deep down he loved me and if i could only reach him he would change , this was the hardest thought to let go of and took the longest time , when i went NC this thought was still with me . It is only being nc for nearly 16 months do i get what i was dealing with . Read all you can about the condition and when you think you have read it all read it all again .. NC is forever and in making that choise it means you have a future ... big love to you xx
Mar 20 - 6PM (Reply to #53)
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

scoop, after 16 months of NC,

scoop, after 16 months of NC, what now? how are you doing? what is it like? when you think of him do you feel any pain? congrats on being NC 16 months. it seems so impossible from where i stand right now. but i hope to meet you on the other side eventually!
Mar 20 - 6PM (Reply to #50)
jen79
jen79's picture

Scoop is right

Its more a state of mind, or a choice you finally make, its either him or you. Couldnt have said it better. When you have done everything you can do to make it work, and you have nothing left to say cause you have said it all already more than once. When you tried every stragedy possible, and when you had you last looks to go sure he really is as disordered as you suspicioned him to be. Then there is no other way anymore for you left than going NC forever.
Mar 20 - 6PM (Reply to #51)
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

i get this. i have the urge

i get this. i have the urge to continue to "peek" - to really convince myself that he is an N. i feel like there are a million MORE things we could do to make this work. i'm pretty stubborn and optimistic - maybe more than the average. which is prob why the N even had the opportunity to be in such a long relationship (i'm his longest and it was only 2.5 years). but it makes NC harder for somebody like me. the only thing that keeps me on the edge and hanging for dear life on this forum so i don't break NC is that i don't trust myself. i have no idea how much more i would need to go through to finally accept NC. i feel like my boundaries might be...nonexistent? this could be the codependency thing here, but i am scared that it will take literally destroying everything i am and have before i learn my lesson. and i cannot do that. i can't afford to do that. i don't think i can do "everything i can to make it work"... so i've decided that the only way is to deal with unanswered qs and put them to rest. it's like trying to stuff large screaming beasts into a little box and packing them away. i just don't want to them ever show up again. so that i why i want to do this in the most healthy way possible. contacting him and reaching my "limit" (if there is one) is not one of the ways i am willing to do. i scare myself now. seeing what i put myself through - it's like wow, i didn't protect myself or care about myself at all.
Mar 21 - 3AM (Reply to #52)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Dazed , my hunch is the anger

Dazed , my hunch is the anger stage hasnt hit yet with you , thoses of us that have been nc for a while that the anger stage was highly important in being able to keep NC . Maybe look up the 7 stages of grief . Funny enough i saw my ex narc yesterday he was at a meeting , i guess he knew i was going as he had brought some clothes of mine i left round his .. 16 months ago ! now a year ago i would have probebly cryed for a week having this contact and getting my clothes back , i would have proberly even sniffed the clothes to smell his house ! but now my first thoughts where "oh excelent i wonder which clothes they are and will they go with my new cardigan i brought " He did try to talk to me and i knew he had his eyes on me the whole time but i gave him nothing , ignoring them is NC even if you are in the same room as them which i rarely have to do . Dazed at 16months i dont feel any pain anymore , he is pushed to the back of my head instead of being in the frount if that makes sence , it dose take a lot of work and time to get over these destructive little fleas , keep close to the board , you will get over this , i remember thinking there was no way i could but slowly i came out the other side . xxx
Mar 20 - 5PM (Reply to #49)
WiserNow30
WiserNow30's picture

Scoop

I couldn't agree more. NC is a state of mind when you realize that this person is disordered and there's nothing you can do to change him. NC happens when you decide that you are finished. Of course I'm still following NC in the literal sense of not responding to his desperate attempts. I know that he will stop soon and I have to be ok with that. I have to have faith in myself and faith that I deserve a much better path. When I think back over our year and a half relationship it was so destructive for me. I did things that I never thought I would do. I lost myself. He manipulated me and I allowed it. I became an emotional eater because my soul knew that something was wrong. To offset the overeating, I became a compulsive exerciser. He caused nothing but bad things in my life. He tried to destroy my self-esteem. Is that worth a few fun moments and compliments that is all based on lies? No thanks.
Mar 20 - 5PM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

It really is forever.

I'm not a fan of empty consolation. But, really, it will be alright, in time. I mean that. It's like a wound, that scabs over. Before you know it, you look down, and see it's just a scar. Eventually, the scar becomes faded, and less and less noticeable. Eventually, the more distance you have from it, the less you even think about it. I know what you mean though, I had those strong pangs yesterday, before bed. For some reason, I was hit with an onslaught of sentimental bollocks. I kept seeing picture after picture of the good memories, in my mind's eye. Those little still frames in time. It was comforting for a bit. Then, just disturbing, and mixed emotions. It really sucks to be hit with those, all at once, when you're trying to do what's best for yourself. I think, from what you described, it sounds as though you're using the old junk e-mails of his, to use as a sort of salve, to cover over the wound. Except, instead of feeling better, you end up feeling mixed. That's okay, nobody can speed you along. 5 days feels like FOREVER in NC world. Give yourself some credit, for time served. Give it time. Do yourself a favor, and block him, so you can't see his posts on the FB. Now you know what he's up to, and it's no good. Don't involve yourself in that. Set a goal for, say 10 days NC, and stick to that. Set another for 10 more, and 10 more. Like getting through a workout, until you're out of the woods, and in the clear. Re-focus to something you enjoy. Something that you like to do on your own. Something that requires 100% of your concentration. That's what's helped me so far. Hope I don't eat those words!
Mar 20 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Dazed

How do we make you get this?? Im not trying to be mean so don't take it that way. Ok lets see…. WHat happens to you when you read an Email, see a text or snoop on FB? What has he put you through? Good vs Evil? This man is "NOT NORMAL" You will never have closure the way you want. None of us get it. That is why this is so difficult. For me knowing he is insane, a predator, a liar, a cheater, that's the closure for me. People don't change. Im here to tell you, He did this to me 25 years ago. I guess things come full circle. I didn't understand it then, but I do now. I want nothing to do with him. He makes me sick, I don't play with the devil. NO CONTACT IS FOREVER. Idealk
Mar 20 - 6PM (Reply to #45)
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

idealk, i don't think you're

idealk, i don't think you're being mean. i am asking YOU "how do you make me get this?!" as well!! i want to get this! i really do! you're right. i asked the very same question today: what happens when i check to see if he's online? 1. if he's not online, i start feeling paranoid and wondering what he's doing. if he's with another woman. etc etc. it causes pain. 2. if he is online, i start feeling anxious about wanting to reach out. or wondering whom he is chatting with online. the paranoia is still there. it causes pain. that made me finally remove him from my sister's contact list (the last piece of access i had to checking whether he is online or not). and that is final. i can no longer see whether he is online or not. thanks for your frankness. frankly, i don't get this. i don't get "forever" - it sounds so rigid and so final. i feel pain. i feel anxious. i don't know how this happened. i don't know what happened in these three years. but i want to be better more than anything right now. survival mode is kicking in. i refuse to lose myself completely.
Mar 20 - 6PM (Reply to #46)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Dazrd

Good Job! Its hard to believe someone who tells you They love you, They want you, ETC.is all a lie. Who does that? Well… This sick freaks. Just give yourself more time. It still bothers me Im not going to lie, But I'm to stubborn to let anyone treat me as such. They live in HELL , we will get better and they will be old and alone. Don't fell sorry form them, feel sorry for yourself. Idealk
Mar 20 - 1PM
Bitter-sweet
Bitter-sweet's picture

staying NC

Although NC is painful now, persisting with it could well save you pain in the future. I am one of the women who was revisited by an N, in my case 25 years later. The first time round, I was very hurt by him and he then did the characteristic 'vanishing act'. I never saw or heard from him again for all those years. At the time, I was young and naive and it never entered my head that this could be a disorder. Back then, it probably wasn't even recognised. There were no websites to consult to help me check out some of the things that concerned me about the relationship. How I wish there had been... Fast forward to last year and his reappearance with a heady mix of how much he regretted losing me; how I was 'the love of his life'. It took me completely by surprise and also he was far more dangerous both in his acting (now highly polished) and in his actions (he was intent on hurting me both emotionally and now physically too). I had to have the second dose to get to this point and the pain was unbelievable. I had to go right back over the first time and relive that alongside this latest trauma. How I wish I had known what I know now- believe me I would never have responded this time. NC is tough but a second round with an N (next week or in 20 years time) would be much tougher. I urge you not to do it. If only there had been this website when I was 20! Stay NC and know that you are protecting yourself. There are better times ahead.
Mar 20 - 6PM (Reply to #42)
WiserNow30
WiserNow30's picture

25 years? My Ex N will be

25 years? My Ex N will be dead from an STD by then.
Mar 20 - 6PM (Reply to #43)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

wiser

Good! NC "forever" Turd! Idealk
Mar 20 - 6PM (Reply to #35)
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

it still blows me away that

it still blows me away that these narcs will come back 25 years later and do that same thing! wtf?! what was the point? it's not like you were supply for 25 years! does it mean he all of a sudden missed you? or knew that he could convince you to come back to him? it's just so inhuman to do that. i don't get it! i hope you are taking care of yourself and doing better now. hugs.
Mar 21 - 6AM (Reply to #41)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Dazed

Inhuman… YOU GOT IT! The Devil ! Idealk
Mar 21 - 3AM (Reply to #38)
Bitter-sweet
Bitter-sweet's picture

Keeping NC

Thanks, Dazed, I am much better now but I have been NC for over a year despite his efforts to contact me. I don't have a very good answer for why he came back but that it one of the things that has caused me a lot of anxiety. I've wondered if he saw something vulnerable in me or if it was to punish me for living a good life without him. He said it was nostalgia, that 'I was the one' but you can't believe all that. Maybe he was out of supply... but there is one other thing that bothers me and I have picked this up from other posts. Ns like to hang on to people from their past. Lots of times I have read about Ns keeping up with former girlfriends. He did say I was 'part of him' and this frightens me- that's not a healthy way to view people. I don't think they ever let you go. That's why we must let go of them. My N is intelligent, persuasive, handsome, high-functioning and extremely dangerous. We form an addiction to the N that we need to break. Each day you manage NC reward yourself- tell yourself how strong you are, how beautiful you are and how you are in control of your own life. Tackle this a day at a time, stay close to the board and when you falter, ask for help and read the posts of others. You are seeking the answers now. He will be forever seeking what he lacks- but he will never find it. You are on your way to freedom- stay strong.
Mar 21 - 8AM (Reply to #39)
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

Bitter-sweet, thank you for

Bitter-sweet, thank you for this response. It really provided some insight for me. The fact that my N is contacting me so much now is causing me a lot of anxiety as well. That must be a sign that this isn't right. And I wonder the same thing as you, which makes me see that I no longer know who I am dealing with. To have to question the motives/intentions of somebody I was so close to for 3 years is strange and sad. His persistence makes it hard bc it's feeding my cognitive dissonance. It's like I know how he is, what he's done, and here he is saying how much he loves me and begging me to stay in his life. All the more reason not to check my junk box. I am only allowing his noise to interfere with my healing process. I need to listen to myself, not him. This also explains why my N always kept in touch with all of these other women fr his past - even when he claimed that they weren't friends or that they weren't important. It was (and still is) so painful to think about him and other women. There were just soo many women that came in between us in both big and small ways. They all form his ego, huh...I just can't get over the fact that I loved somebody who didn't exist. His "being" is formed by all of these women. No wonder he fought so hard and refused to cut off contact with them, despite it hurting me so badly. My N is also "intelligent, persuasive, handsome, high-functioning" - I think this is what makes him all the more dangerous. He's quite the charmer. And even now, his emails constantly pull at my heartstrings. It IS an addiction. I feel like a crackhead going through withdrawal to be honest. Congrats on being NC despite his attempts to contact you. This is the hardest part for me right now. If he weren't contacting me, I think it'd be easier. Can I ask at what point you felt like his persistence wasn't affecting you? At what point did NC really work for you and you feel "freer"? How did you let go of the urge to respond - even if to give him a piece of your mind? I think my problem right now is that I continue to want to explain myself. I want say why I am done and I want him to understand that. I feel like it would provide closure. But based on everybody's experiences here...there is no such thing as closure or getting him to understand. Did you experience this? How did you just turn off the desire to let him know that "this isn't right"? Thank you again for this. I like the idea of being on my way towards freedom and taking control of my life. I like the sound of those words.
Mar 21 - 10AM (Reply to #40)
Bitter-sweet
Bitter-sweet's picture

For dazedandseeking

Hi Dazed NC was hard at first. Like you I struggled with wanting closure. I would write letters, then shred them because none of them could adequately express how I felt. Those unsent letters got my feelings out, but, on some level, I just knew it was all hopeless. Knowing he was a liar, why waste my pain and true words on him? Now I like the fact that he doesn't know how I feel. There was a time when I gave myself up to him in very possible way and now I'm glad that he didn't see my suffering ...or my recovery. He's not having any more of me. That's where I get my freedom and power. I've drawn the line. For me, that level of acceptance came after a few months. You seem to me to have a very high level of self-awareness. You say you don't know him and you are right. These men are actors without a true self. There is nothing to get close to- realising this means you are already on your way to healing. He will always keep the other women. They are his security. You are unique. Remember that when he contacts you. Now you need not go running back to a fantasy. You have the insight you need- don't let him take anymore of you. Believe me, you are taking back your freedom every day you resist him.
Mar 20 - 7PM (Reply to #36)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

yes 25 years later

As bittersweet said the next time around they are really polished, of course they have had a life time of perfecting their act and learning from the mistakes they have made as predators so they can get better. Oh ya they CAN learn from their mistakes they make with their victims, they just keep more evil. Mine also came BACK into my life 23 years later, the first encounter we were 28 and 25 years old and he again had a regular steady eddie woman of some 12 years hanging on his arm, (he NEVER did marry her she finally left because of his non commitment) so he had her as a girlfriend, when I came into the picture he told me to come over and we could all go out he, his GF and myself when I went to the house to meet them it was a different girl there some wild thing and I thought mmmmm where is the GF of 12 years, wonder where she is tonight, this man has been doing this ALL HIS FRICKING LIFE, a steady woman and many women on the side. The first encounter i had with him lasted only a few months, I was young and I thought he was just odd and a bit strange so i went my way and he never pursued. But watch out 23 years later he sure polished his pathology, WOW he was now a very very SKILLED psychopath and he got soooo good looking as he aged. Do you know my counselor told me this psychopath waited all those years to find the perfect time to get back at me for leaving, he waited until both my parents died to make his move. They can wait and wait for years to calculate and plan who their next victim will be or many victims. No they dont miss your supply, they dont miss you and they dont even really think about you much, but you are in the back of their mind and they wait patiently for their return, one day they say one day I will be back. you see with a psychopath even when you are gone they feel you still belong to them, you were the one that got away, the stray dog so to speak and you are their property. I hate to share because its pretty sick but it is a good example of how twisted they think, when mine urinated on me he said, there I have marked what is MY PROPERTY forever. Lovely huh that I was nothing more than a bitch dog to him. I mean this man was highly disturbed. See what I mean when I say to crave and ache and want someone when they have done such things as this to you is clearly a sign that I was NOT in a healthy mental state of mind, this is what these pathological people do their victims. I sometimes believe NC is as difficult as the mental damage that was inflicted to you, almost 5 years I was exposed to a psychopath and that is NOT GOOD, he literally had me pretty much trained just like one of his $10,000 champion hunting dogs, I felt like I was in boot camp half the time. Its no wonder you feel totally lost when your captor is gone and the STRONG TRAUMA BOND I had with him was suddenly cut COLD TURKEY, In the beginning I felt LOST without him. Its like you have been in prison for 5 years then given your freedom you are not used to freedom, you are used to those bars you lived behind. NC has helped me to understand why the OW stay, NOW I KNOW they stay because they are ALSO held captive and they dont even know it. You just think you are with someone that is demanding and you try to cater to their demands, but let me tell you, you go NC and you find out REAL FAST JUST HOW SICK THEY WERE AND HOW SICK THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP WAS. Being with these disordered individuals is much like being in a cult and I KID YOU NOT, and I was with the leader and I DID as I was told or vengence is mineth he would always say. I knew what I could say, what I dare not ever bring up or he would punish me for it. Who the hell wants to live like that, the sick SOB should be behind bars, he is a menace and a danger to society. Does he think of me now that I am gone, YOU BET HE DOES, and if he could he would probably like to beat me with an inch of my life if he could get by with it, so this is one woman who wont contact this psychopath. You are now free from your tormentor, RUN WITH IT no matter how painful the journey is. It sure beats the alternative, because if you stay maybe one day you may not be able to get out of that dark hole. Stay strong, remember you are saving your life with NC and that is worth all the pain in the world to me. x0x0x0x0
Mar 21 - 3AM (Reply to #37)
Bitter-sweet
Bitter-sweet's picture

Neverlookback

Neverlookback your post really rings true with me. These people have an uncanny way of knowing our weaknesses. Your post also sheds light on another reason why my N might have returned. I'm really sorry to hear that yours came back when you were grieving. When mine returned I was also very low. A couple of years earlier I had a miscarriage and soon after, my H and I separated (temporarily) after 22 years. I don't live near the N and I wasn't on FB or traceable via the internet but he still managed to find me. Like you, he saw me as his territory. Looking back, I find it frightening. Stay with an N and you will lose your 'self'in every possible way. Your post makes difficult reading but sometimes the truth is lke that ...and you sound like you are really making progress with your new life.
Mar 20 - 1PM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

Whenever

I see a topic about NC I am there like a fly on ... well you know. Two months ago I was struggling with the pain of still being in contact with him, and NOW NC has brought me to a place that is a totally different kind of pain. You mourn such a deep deep loss i cant even explain it. You didnt lose anything that was even close to keeping but while you were with this disordered person you DID indeed lose yourself, I sure did. You lose yourself to a person that brainwashed you into accepting the way he behaved was almost normal, but trust me it was far from normal> Iam still not quite there yet because I sometimes still crave him, and that is not healthy to crave a person that deeply deeply caused injury to your life. How long is NC suppose to last? FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, that is if you are in a position for that to be possible, many have children together and in that case I would say the minute that child is an adult you never have to speak to the person again. My counselor put it quite simply, you NEVER EVER contact this person again, never see him ever again because not only would it be toxic to your mental health the psychopath would punish you for leaving him it would be pay back time and he would enjoy doing it too. Take your NC ONE DAY AT A TIME, dont get overwhelmed thinking too much ahead. You will experience some really soul searching days, I know its hard, you will struggle. If it was so easy honey everyone on this board would be NC, remember in those moments when you feel you cant go on stop and think what you are doing, you have freed yourself from one of the worst kind of human species that walk the face of the earth. They are dangerous predators and they are the WORST so naturally it only make sense that the aftermath of someone pathological is going to inflict some pretty intense moments of anguish. Congratulate yourself everyday when you look in the mirror and this is a mirror he will have nothing to do with, this is about you, hey I DID IT, I had the strength to save myself from a disordered person and no matter how much I ache for him, crave him, for whatever reasons you will learn to fight these urges. It also helps to know why you would still want a man that caused you such betrayal and abuse. For myself personally it was due to a strong strong trauma bonding I had with him, I would have done anything to please my abuser and seek his approval, but more than ever I wanted him to wrap me in his arms and just hold me, ya like that would ever happen. Every time you think you want to call him ask yourself ok now will calling him change anything? Will I feel better tomorrow because I talked to him? YOU WONT - I failed so many times with NC. Sometimes through failure we can learn to be successful until we FINALLY get it right. NC is forever, my psychopath is dead to me for now that is how I must look at it. I buried him and I will never as long as I live .... as my name says it all NEVERLOOKBACK. I wish you strength and courage, and most of all peace in the days ahead. x0x0
Mar 20 - 6PM (Reply to #33)
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

neverlookback, thanks so much

neverlookback, thanks so much for this response. i will continue to remind myself that i am freeing myself from a terrible situation. in that way, i am finally taking control and caring for myself. i actually expressed to my therapist that i sometimes wish my N was dead. it sounds really horrible. i don't mean it in a violent way. or in a malicious way. i mean it perhaps in a selfish way. i feel like if he was gone, he couldn't hurt me anymore. there would be no more OW. or opportunities for OW. or opportunities for D&D. the imminent fear of his abuse would be over. i hope NC brings me to a place where he IS essentially dead in my mind and me heart. I want to reach a place where i don't care what (or whom) he is doing. im here on this forum writing and reading like mad, to keep myself from compulsively checking emails and want to talk to him. i'm here bc i've broken NC a dozen times and it never once worked (obviously). i can't seem to train myself. it's like being burned wasn't enough. i still continue to play with fire. i want him even though he is terrible for me, because...i''m not sure. i am sure there is some codependency there. but i can't yet articulate. there is some trauma bonding too. i still seek his approval and, like you, i just want him to provide comfort. he can be really comforting at times. and at other times, really scary. he's definitely dr j and mr k. i think that the addiction comes from that. he feeds me good and bad. and so i keep going back to see if i can get the good ...just one more time. like drugs...just one more hit. thanks for this. i will reread this more than once.
Mar 20 - 3PM (Reply to #32)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

The part about if you get in

The part about if you get in contact with him again he will punish you for having left. Holy crap ain't that the truth I always felt a sense of rage he had for me just beneath the surface. He was pissed that I had gotten away from him before he really had a chance to notice or do anything about it. You see round one he called 3 weeks before my wedding. He had found out that day that not only was I engaged but my wedding was in a few weeks. There simply was no time for him to get his hooks back in though he tried with asking me to atleast have dinner with him. I declined. So he made damn sure all these years later that I paid for that dearly
Mar 20 - 2PM (Reply to #31)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

NLB

Dead, Perfect! They are the walking dead no doubt! Great post! idealk
Mar 20 - 2PM (Reply to #30)
jen79
jen79's picture

neverlookback this post is so good

I think I am going to print it out and hang it in my kitchen so I can read it every morning to remind me.
Mar 20 - 2PM (Reply to #29)
Used
Used's picture

neverlookback

that post stirred something in me,and it has been written with such love and insight, it bought tears to my eyes. what your narc lost in you can never be replaced in a million years. usedxxx
Mar 20 - 1PM (Reply to #28)
jen79
jen79's picture

neverlookback

I just love your post!