JMi's Story

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#1 Mar 12 - 5AM
JMi
JMi's picture

JMi's Story

It's a long, long, long story i warn you but please read as i'm new to this forum and i'm finding it really helpful and therapeutic!!!

I believe i have been 'trapped' in my one and only relationship in life, with a Narc, please tell me i'm right?!
At 14 years old i had my first encounter with him which was childhood sweetheart and after 8 months i dumped him after finding out he'd kissed another girl.....his response was to go out with my best friend, take her virginity and use her like a sexual toy and dump her after 3 months ( i think due to the fact i was unimpressed and pretty impartial to it all at that age i easily cut off all ties - god how i wish i had followed my intuition as i got older!)

Fast forward to 17 yrs old when we meet by chance again, he has a girlfriend but we swap numbers and he starts to call, chase, hunt me down, initially acting as a friend but always wanting more - which was extremely flattering. He dumps the girlf ( maybe he didn't) i thought hey maybe he's grown up and is willing to make things work lets give him a second chance. For the first year things were fantastic and he treated me like a princess,put me on a pedestle, nothing was too much and i was number 1 always when it came to 'us'. He would spend evry minute with me and my family, wanting to please and create a high opinion of himself.

Now around a year in, his Dad loses the family fortune in a libel case and THEN leaves his mother for another woman ( my Narc had led an enchanted lifestyle as a kid full of over-indulgence, spoiltness, whatever the Prince wanted he got which resulted in him playing truant from school, achieving no qualifications but being rewarded/employed at the family business with a phenomenal salary/car/mobile. That is when he decided to show up for work occasionally!!)
So, he turns up at my house in a state, says he can't be with me, he's confused, he needs to be alone and can't be with me! Unfortunately for him, a close family friend finds out he spent the next 2 weeks partying with strippers and a 'new' friend he found at the local golf course (he didn't play golf??) That was his way of dealing with it - ok?! I get a phonecall after 2 weeks of silence saying - so sorry miss you love you want you back - come meet the strippers if you don't trust me(!!!) nothing happened between us, oh they r soooo nice blah blah blah - but whatever so i take him back and i nurse him and his mother through the next 18 months of hell whilst Daddy dearest comes and goes from the family home changing his mind every 5 minutes about wether his marriage to Narcs Mum is worth saving or he prefers his other woman!
Eventually, Dad comes home but the moneys all gone and life is never enchanted again, times are and will always be hard and Narc can't hide behind the family fortune anymore which i have realised was what made him feel 'whole' and 'powerful' and 'relevant' Made all the more worse by the fact he has to get a normal job and work like normal people - he finds this horrifying that he must be like the rest of 'us'

So the next 8 years are spent in the same cycle for us or as i called it vicious circle, its all good, he starts to act strange-cold-distant, we're over i'm sorry i don't know whats changed, so he leaves, he immerses himself in his newest circle of friends (one of which was always a female admirer/sexual conquest) after a few weeks or months of little or no contact he would then find me again and beg me for forgiveness, tell me he couldn't live without me......you've heard it all before i'm sure.

We move in together, it lasts 5 months, we start to argue but i don't know why-can't work out whats changed in him, turns out he's found another girl attractive at work and been texting her obsessively i find out setting up his next move, its my fault for looking at his phone he tells me...i move out.....he comes crawling back....its you i love she's a kid i'm not interested in her anymore....look i've even got your name tattooed on me to show you i love you.......

My dad gets cancer and has to go through a horrific 6 month treatment......Narcy boy dumps me....i'm too relient and needy he can't handle the pressure.....he has a new circle of friends and a new NS who he 'does' for a few months if you know what i mean..........he's spotted with her on different occasions, he denies it and claims that my friends who see him are all against him and hate him and must be trying to ruin 'his' life. Erm hello what about me???? Also claimed they must have been imagining things by the way such as hand holding was merely friendly and the romantic meal for two which involved a kiss was just a quick lunch......HA!

So then next step we get engaged, he borrows the money off MY family for the ring after spinning a web of lies and guilt tripping to encourage them to help financially. I'm over the moon, i think finally after 8/9 years this guy is growing up he wants to commit......8 months later he calls it off ' i don't know if i love you anymore' ( he had a new NS lined up which didn't work out i later discover)....i'm devastated i decide to go travelling....i book my tickets....he comes back i love you so much i'm sorry i'll wait for you i'll be here when you get back etc etc etc so i go travel i have a great time he has a few hissyfits over a male friend who i'm with on pictures he sees but nothing untoward as i'm an HONEST gal i would NEVER cheat him!!

I get home July 2010 he asks me to put my engagement ring back on in a big gesture on my bday, he's mr.romantic again all's well the weddings back on we are happy (i think??) until October when BOOM this wierd behaviour is back and i'm starting to get a little worried, the weddings booked for December and he ain't being very enthusiastic anymore- November gets worse - i find out he's talking/texting a friend of mine ALOT i confront him he says i'm crazy, i have male friends he can have female friends (he actually can't have plutonic female friends!! always sexual!!) I back off i trust him coz i'm nuts and he becomes worse and worse, the week before the wedding he has little or no contact with me, i'm freaking out but i love him and he loves me right?!?! i sweep it under the carpet, he goes missing on his stag do for hours?? i sweep it under the carpet......we are living between our parents houses whilst looking for a place to live, he likes one place i say its too expensive, he goes mad throws a fit and gives up looking for anywhere, refuses to engage in househunting all the time i think trying subconsciously to stall commitment.......

December 11th - we get married, he deserves an Oscar for his performance coz to this day i am amazed at how genuine it all felt he even sheds a few tears........guests say it was the most beautiful,happy,heartfelt day.

The honeymoon is short and cheap, we have little money to spare. He's akward and bad tempered but projects that onto me during a walk says i'm sulking and spoilt when i say i'm cold in the sub zero temperatures can we go back to the hotel!! Goes home tells everyone that and also starts to say things such as, 'our wedding felt like a show' 'you were putting on an act' 'we shouldn't be like this' 'i can't give you what you want' 'you ask too much of me'

December 25th i spend the whole day at his parents even though i want to be with my family, i spend time with his Nana whilst he spends the day selfishly lying on the sofa watching TV( nana is the most wonderful woman in the world who is in a care home, he never visits her nor acknowledges her unless its a quick hi and a kiss) it gets late and i ask if we can go see my family.....for gods sake i need to spend some time with my Nana (ermmm the one you ignored all day) so i say OK i'll go to my parents you follow once Nana goes back to carehome. WELL he calls an hour later - says he's going for an Xmas drink with friends - truth is he's alrady in a bar with friends and the new NS!!!! i go mad he comes to my house and spends the evening in silence and with that look on his face i know all too well..........

I don't see or hear from my Narc Hubby for 2 weeks, i spend new year alone and then out of the blue i get a text ' i miss you in my bed' ALARM BELLS i tell him i don't think i can do this anymore......he begs......i tell him my family are over him too ad sick of his behaviour. He secrety goes to see my parents, puts on a big gesture and charms them into believeing he wants to make a go of our marriage even sobs about how he can't live without me! My mum calls him on all his shit, literally tells him he's a waste of time and space and energy.....he promises to buck up and do right by me. So i go to dinner he treats me like a princess, showers me with compliments and love........gets me back.....this time its different. Well it was actually coz this lasted 12 days THE shortest spell ever, i admit i'm feeling insecure to him and that i don't think he's the wonderful person i met..............

January 23rd hubby last seen kissing me on the cheek and telling me he'll see me later that evening.......by the Thursday i dared to text him asking what was going on, he said for gods sake i rang you monday and you didn't answer!!! well he didn't ring me and also what the hell happened to tues and wednesday or even to a husband wanting to know how,where,what his wife was doing ( may i add i was working my ass off to earn us money! ) Another few days pass and on the following Monday i ring no answer so i send a text to say its over, he replies 'so sorry you deserve better i can't do this anymore'

What has since followed has been a horrendous 2 months finding out that he was setting up his new NS since October who turns out to be one of my friends i went travelling with and unfortunately for me looks like a supermodel and is the object of many mens desire in our town. A 21 year old girl who i thought was a friend and had previously informed me i was too good and too nice for him - IRONIC!!! He has lied to everyone about our breakup, apparently i asked too much of him - duh we didn't even have a place to live in and i made my own money and never asked a penny. We argued all the time - duh we would have to be in contact to argue dickhead. We keep going round in circles - duh yeah we do shit for brains coz you keep doing this?!?!?!

He has since had my name tattoo covered up immediately, deleted all pics of us on Facebook, he has moved in with new NS and has told friends he has never been happier.....
Apparently, i stopped him being who he wanted to be and his new girlfriend (who i'm pretty sure will become his fiance even though we can't legally divorce for another 9 months!) lets him be himself. I was suffocating him even though he chooses to spend every single second with the new girl.......the contradictive list goes on.....

Please tell me i've diagnosed him correctly otherwise this mammoth story wasn't worth the read!!!??

Mar 19 - 7AM
AquariusGal
AquariusGal's picture

Some echos on my side too

Can i share mine? At first meeting him: Like everyone's he was a charming gentleman. In my eyes he is good looking. I felt so pleased that i could attracted and be with such a good looking guy (thou some people actually says he isnt good looking, but i have no idea why i think so.) Some feelings that i cant seems to throw: Well i just never thought i could attracted good looking guys, i was only 17 then, to me i only hear stories that prince ending up with all pretty gals. However as you could tell i am a little low confidence person, before accepting him as a bf, i already feel emorous uncomfortable. I feel i am just not up to his standard. He never says i am bad (of cos at wooing stage), i just feels so. I felt he was too good, i am not up to him, i am not attractive enough, all kinds of pressure. Beginning relationship: At the beginning of first few months, i am put on pestdal. He said i am the most important person, i am the first priority in his life, nothing will ever be able to replaced, NOTHING. Always uncertain i would ask typical questions like would you leave me? would you change? He sweared and promised me he will never change. All these last over a year until gradually he let me know i shouldnt keep asking in a relationship as it will affect it. I thought yea sounds makes sense, so gradually i also never really ask. Oh ya he was really nice and really really nice attentive. Quarrels: Just like any relationship, couples quarrels. Everytime i would explain and talk sense into him. And everytime he really got it and understands (we would hole phone till midnight to ensure the quarrel is solved). Yea but i would never thought that many months later he would claimed that our relationship failed cos i give him too much trouble. I quarrel WITH HIM too much. Hey cmon who in a right mind cant figure out that when couples quarrels/ failed BOTH fking plays a part? But all they know he do they COULD and WOULD do is to push blame, shift responsibility, turn tables chairs whatever the whoel entire universe into exactely all was my, get it? MYMYMY fault. He is good, perfect, he is the most perfect. He is always innocent. I want too much so much from him. Suddenly i have no good or positive qualities only bad bad bad and negative. Once i was so sad in tear on phone i ask: why is it that everytime i do and have spare a thought also, i would be undersatnding, i might do mistakes, but i arent that bad, why you could never see any good in me. He: well i just dont see anything good with you. even have all the bad cover all the good. Me: how could you disregard everything people had done and contribute into nothing just because people do fault, we are humans we makes mistake, but that doesnt mean all the good just doesnt counted just like that?! You made mistakes too but you would still hope ppl would be more accepting too. (i seriously think he is too selfish and self absorb.) Then since you hate me so much why dont you just let me go? He: I just waiting to hope that you will change one day. Needless to say i am left speechless to have such a person present on earth, also how come someone turn into like that. To ask how many times we broke and patch? Countless times, i dont even know. So all the on and off. Now latest 2011: I just had enough and was too heartbroken how could he let me go home by myself when i was so sick. After thinking and analyzing i know i dont want to go wrong all the way. To be honest he tried to make things better, but after i heard him says: anything up to you, when i said i am so fustrated by you that i would rather jump down and die. I hang up and this time round he never chase anymore. He texted: LETS GO SEPERATE WAYS!!! Clearly i was the one wanted to end. But he make it he break with me. That night he went hang out with friends. After all the tellings, his friends sided him of cos. That coming month gona have 3 big days. My bday, valentines and 3rd year anniversary. It goes something went wrong and I got too over emotions and neglected he feelings and rejected him, I said I wanted end things a couple times and he was all trying to make things better until the last time he gave up, and suddenly on fb is single. Later after he turn the tables (I wanted to end but end up he say he ending it with me saying we go separate ways), we were texting back and forth very heatedly, arguing I say him in the public in such volume (I didn’t meant it, I was running fever and pms too controlling hormones isn’t what cant be done so easily, if not whats medicine is for? And my body was to weak to even have a right mind to judge what volume I was having, and since I was sick how loud could I be!?). To me he was just exaggerating. On my part I argued no matter what he shouldn’t have left my so sick walking home alone. (I feel embarrassed even typing this, the situation must be damn childish, but I was terribly hurt for him leaving me walking home alone.). For me he ought to be understanding about my body changes. In between is messy I shall skip that. Followed was my birthday, yes I go it through alone, I wasn’t even expecting such cruel heartless emotionless creature would send my any message, but he texted a plain happybirthday in that evening. Next is valentines, no nothing. Last is our 3rd year anniversary, yes no nothing. Through all this 3 special important days itself I was quiet. Only the day before my birthday, valentines and anniversary I tried to text him but as I sense he is pushing me away, i went on NC on that specific 3 special important. Oh ya before my birthday I was still trying to make thing better by begging and apology hoping him to see I do care you know but he is as cold and stern. The day before I when to his area to find him. After much persuading he finally come out of door to see me, but stated only for awhile. He turn into a stone the instant icy cold, hey just like what every website mentioned! Needless to say we endless unresolved and he ask to go home. He was preparing for exam and his friend reached his house. Now I am exhausted already, I don’t spam calls and texts (btw I does that not becos I am dumb I don’t know I look idiot, but I figure there is no other better way to show I truly care more than he did, since I went on NC I don’t want him to feel I do not care anymore.) Btw he claims we could never be back the same cos he has some illness. (I cried and assured I wasn’t bothered and never would, but he say: he is, and that’s what matters.). I have no idea what freaking STD on earth that will cause death when you are treating it. Now this morning he says: “I do not love him, but out of used to him, that’s not love. “ I claimed: “I am serious and how could you say when I am willing to do anything for him, where not anyone would.” He: “that’s what you say, I saw what I saw, you walking with that guy” I: (I explain I have been rejecting ppl since, cos I only have him in my heart) I asked: “what problems do you have? why do you leave me alone just because you have problems?” He: “things are like that is becos of alot of things not becos of my problems. Concentrate on other things in life. I dun wanna be a burden for you. And i going overseas soon nothing can really be done. Listen to me. Just concentrate in other things in life in this vacation period. Nothing can be done now. Take care!” I:”i dont undersatnd anything at all” He:”Like i said just move on and let the fate take over.” I:”whats fate when you said you wanna be single forever, sounds you dont want gals anymore” He:”Single life is alot easlier.” I:”But last time you dont say like this, you promised forever no matter what happens” He:”thats the past, now you know you see this is what i am. And I sensed the difference” I:”what difference?” He:”single and attached” I:”whats the difference? i dont need you to serve me or what” He:”I just feel it” I:”but i dont need you to do anything special for me” He:”when i say alot of things meaning alot of things. You, me everything alot.” Until here i never reply anymore. For once i am certain i dont feel like tagging along and reply anymore. Suddenly i feel like an insult. I think and realise it could be pretty much influence by all his good for nothing friends (none are serious in establishing serious long term relationship.) As aquarius, the instant i know it’s brainless logic, it pissed me off and gets on my nerves. (becos after so much being together he could still be swayed by others. And he being so selfish, just becos he wants to be single he just drop me. I have nothing else and more to say.) About 1 hour plus later (around 4 pm plus) i got a miss call from me MIRACLELLY, well i regard it as he accidentally dialled it. Since he is to petrified to even pick my calls i doubt he would be so nice (he has yet to be slightless nice since long time ago.) But i am ready to be on NC. All the way until 12 am plus (SUNDAY, where he’s gona fly away in 6 hours time) I was so tired thinking so much in the day i slept early, i got a text from him: “Take care. Leave it to the fate.” (with my eyes half open i was quite angry and went back to sleep. wondering if thats what he wants to break off by all means so be it. what about leave it to fate? i’m not doormat to wait until your fate clashes mine one day. NEITHER do i need his sympathy. totally mad and fury inside that he’s trying act noble by saying THAT sentence. I dont need his sympathy. oh ya he can dont need to say that anyway. he arent coming back, so why bother!? he dont have to. which i dont why he wants to act noble!)
Mar 16 - 7PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

What a loser!

11 years together is a significant amount of time. You invested in him emotionally, physically-and finally married after a decade and he pulls that cr@p? Yes, it is selfish and wrong what he's done. It's a tragedy how he wasted 11 years of your life. You CAN get your life back.
Mar 13 - 10PM
beamoflight
beamoflight's picture

Reading this-- wow! This

Reading this-- wow! This feels like a sucker punch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A 21 year old girl. ***Mine was a 20-something fashion designer glamazon model. Can you slap me now???? apparently i asked too much of him - **Funny, mine said that too-- then called me 6 months later asking for advice because she wants a ring and he does not want to give her one. He has since had my name tattoo covered up immediately, deleted all pics of us on Facebook, he has moved in with new NS and has told friends he has never been happier..... **I dont have a FB but mine moved in with his for a while then moved out as he said she was too "sticky" for him. Apparently, i stopped him being who he wanted to be ***Mine said that too!!!! He said I was too much of a mom to my kids, that he was not cut out to be a surburban dad and what not. he needed a big life in the city. and his new girlfriend (who i'm pretty sure will become his fiance even though we can't legally divorce for another 9 months!) lets him be himself. ** Yup, I was told the SAME thing. She's high heels and I'm a mom. WTF??? He knew I had kids when he met me-- sh*t, he has kids!!! WTF??? I was suffocating him even though he chooses to spend every single second with the new girl.......the contradictive list goes on..... **Did I say sucker punch??? Mine told me I was too much, then told me that miss fashion model did not work and has all her days/nights free to be with him. Can you say WTF???? Please tell me i've diagnosed him correctly otherwise this mammoth story wasn't worth the read!!!?? ***My God! It's like I just read my story-- minus the kids!
Mar 14 - 3AM (Reply to #20)
JMi
JMi's picture

Well utter relief Beam of

Well utter relief Beam of Light!! Not for your terrible situation but to know that he is N! Quick update - my Dad and Brother in Law see him outside his place of work ( he's a bartender who he liked to inform me was CONSTANTLY being offered sexual favours,phone numbers every weekend which i think kind of translated into 'aren't you lucky i'm still here'...blah blah blah ) Anyway, they corner him about the money he still owes my family, he acts smug and nochelant, not a single whiff of humiliation or regret.......tells a load of lies and says he'll call tomoro with some of the money......that was 3 days ago - no money?!?! She on the other hand (the ex friend, new NS) was at her work (she's a waitress at my old restaurant i used to manage) my sister in law is in there with my brother having a drink. Sis in law gives her a sly look across the bar and NS goes 'what the fuck are you looking at silly bitch!?' ERM WHAAAAAAAAT???? Please darling child have a little respect for the family you and my husband have destroyed.............and then you know what i thought........ see you in a couple of years sweetheart when the N has had his glorious way with you and the grass ain't so green for ya! The only thing i'm starting to question is, does this 21 yr old girl have some N traits too, after speaking with many people and mutual friends - she has few nice things said and her behaviour is of a similar way to his?!
Mar 16 - 4PM (Reply to #21)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

yes, she's got traits...

She is not necessarily an N, but SHE'S the silly little bitch who will find out how utterly un-special she is when he dumps her stupid ass later. She's 21. Some 21 year olds still don't use their brains. She's model good looking. That means she thinks her shit doesn't stink. She thinks that pretty = can get anything she wants. She is in for the rude awakening of her life. Because what this arrogant, rude little ninny doesn't know, is that she is with a predator who is 100 X better than her at playing the game. N's study others to know how they tick. That is exactly what he was doing when he was chatting her up before the break up. He was analyzing her and learning how he could manipulate you both. He is fully aware that she is silly, vain, and wrapped up in her looks and her own ego. He is soooo using that right now, without her even realizing it. One day soon she wont know what hit her, but she wont be able to strut around with as much "confidence" anymore when reality runs her ass over.
Mar 12 - 3PM
Hope
Hope's picture

Yes...

Dear JMi: Yes he sounds very N, he will also cheat and dump the new NS so you have that consolation. Don't let him back into your life, move on, find a normal person, you are probably young, so much to look forward to!! Good luck!
Mar 14 - 3AM (Reply to #18)
JMi
JMi's picture

Thankyou Hope Everyone keeps

Thankyou Hope Everyone keeps telling me seen as this has been my only relationship that i will experience what 'two way' love is one day but i'm worried i'll end up with another N?? what if like them we are programmed to attract a certain type of personality - i've read about Peter Pan Syndrome and Wendy syndrome! Uh-Oh!!!!
Mar 12 - 9AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

your story had many echos of

your story had many echos of my own. I was living with him for 8 years married him last June and he changed overnight. Within two months of the marriage he stated D and D me, and I discovered at new years eve had had been having sex in his car at work since our marriage. My life from December till now has been horrific. I had my suspicions before marriage but put it down to all men have commitment issues. Once the scales fall off your eyes, you see all the stuff, and its damn ugly, you will be angry, you will be sad, you will wish him back, you will want it to go back to the great time in the begining. It cant, it is what it is a crock of sh it Youre in the right place for support. Its not important that this woman is a model looker. She too will get the same treatment eventually. Be glad he left you, this has nothing to do with you, you are level headed and loyal, thats good. This woman was never your friend. Start over, you are young, thank God you had no children by him. He sucks, and will always suck. I know your future will be better. dont believe a word he says, and dont get sucked in again. Move on, change your numbers inform your folks. We are here for you. xx
Mar 12 - 9AM (Reply to #14)
JMi
JMi's picture

The 'crock of shit' part made

The 'crock of shit' part made me laugh - thankyou , laughs have been few and far between these last few weeks! Sorry to hear of your situation too, did you find yourself wishing you didn't have a wedding day to refer back to....i wish he had called it off so i didn't have the memories! Bastard! But like you state, it is what it is and i have found myself saying this over and over again - strangely it brings comfort!! Another great saying that i have found massive comfort in: This too shall pass.... Oh how i can't wait to be on the other side!! :) xxx
Mar 12 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

You will be soon. I still

You will be soon. I still have the ring and all the beautiful photos, I just reprogrammed the whole thing to mean that marriage day was about my future it was about me making a commitment to happiness. I dont even have to cut him out of the pictures. I just see him as a stand in. Like a body double on a movie. He was just a hired man, a stand in. It was my special day, so Im no longer sad about that. Be careful who you tell, some people glory in the failure of others. Best therapy is going through your little black book and weeding out all those who weren't there for you. You dont even have to tell them. Then have a burning ceremony of the stupid presents he gave you. * narcs always give sh it presents. What can be sold on ebay sell, and then you can draw a line and move on. Just dont get advice or expect understanding out there, Youll get it here. This is all about you now. Hugs.
Mar 12 - 10AM (Reply to #16)
JMi
JMi's picture

Great advice, we are very

Great advice, we are very much on the same wavelength - i have the photos i won't be altering them its a part of me and my history and in time it'll make me who i am. I find it sad that he must erase this including my name from his tattoos ( this is apparently a condition the OW has given him to permit him to have yet more tattoos) Also, am discovering true friendships from it, theres an awful lot of people who like to sit on the fence - his parents have never once contacted me, even though they called me the most'wonderful' thing to ever happen to him!! all presents and anything to do with the wedding is joining ebay next week - some great pieces of jewelry all bought in the first flush of passion and love some 9 years ago!!!! Otherwise they were bought with someone elses money!
Mar 12 - 8AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

JMi

You're in the right place...welcome... You seem to have a good grip on the dynamics, you don't seem to be in any kind of denial...but regardless...once it "hits" a whole bunch of feelings will surface and I'm betting on some intense anger when it does. Stick close to the board, and get it all out...I am beginning to feel that my welcome responses are almost "cookie cutter" but unfortunately our stories seem to be also! These people are disordered...but I also think in reading your story, part of your journey would entail some soul searching to discover why you put up with so much as his stuff was BLATANT... That is not to be confused with...you deserved it, you asked for it, or you cold control it...but rather when they start doing things that are generally "unacceptable" and we tolerate it...there is also something going on with us. Again, welcome and these questions, thoughts feelings the process will take some time but you are in a very good safe place on this board to try to begin to heal and make sense of all of it. Hugs!
Mar 12 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
JMi
JMi's picture

Don't get me wrong i seem to

Don't get me wrong i seem to be swinging from one extreme to another right now, the worst of which is 'i miss him, i want him back' When i think this, i immediately remind myself that he has erased ME from his history and how immature and irrational he must be to do this with such disregard for mine and my familys feelings! I have been reading your posts on other blogs and you speak such sense. I agree i have to consider that all the while i must have had low opinion of myself to tolerate the treatment and i do think i've got to work on my own self esteem - its taken realising he was a Narc and maybe BDP believe it or not to think that i wasn't going crazy!!!!
Mar 16 - 4PM (Reply to #12)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

don't feel too down on yourself

Reality becomes very convoluted when involved with an Narc. Yes, he may have done some really outrageous things, but he also succeeded in making you doubt yourself. He's really good. Its just a lesson learned never to doubt yourself. Actions speak louder than words, and its OK to assert yourself and tell someone to fuck off permanently when deep down, you know they are just no good. It may be correct that you have some self esteem issues, I wasn't the strongest, either, even though I came from a "good" family with strong values and beliefs. But Hell, all of us have something to work on. And as women, we are generally taught not to make waves and not to take risks. It may be that you were too afraid to lose the person you saw as the love of your youth, and speaking from experience, it can be too easy to fall into thinking after that, there will be Nobody else. I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth. So take a breath, rise above, and Heal, heal, heal. And now you know NEVER to doubt your gut ever again. If it acts,talks,walks, and shits on things like a duck....then that's what it is.
Mar 12 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

JMI

Hi Again Read ,read and keep reading. once you understand the evil you will understand what steps you need to take to heal yourself. Please do not contact this man. Once we step back the light becomes brighter Hugs I dealk
Mar 12 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
JMi
JMi's picture

Thanks Idealk I am reading as

Thanks Idealk I am reading as we speak, i seem to be ticking off his boxes as i investigate more blogs. WOW!
Mar 12 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

JMI

Get some Books!
Mar 12 - 7AM
JMi
JMi's picture

You know it's so empowering

You know it's so empowering to hear these comments from strangers coz when it's your family and friends telling you these things you just think they are being biased and love you so much that they just tell you what you need to hear! Believe me there are endless stories i could tell you that would shock but i'm kind of coming around anyways to the realisation that this guy is pretty messed up and agreed i have already thanked the lord that we have no property to divide. I'm ashamed to admit that 4 years ago i accidentally fell pregnant and had an abortion which i had always been strongly against but due to our relationship at the time (he was abusing drugs and even acted out suicidal once when on a comedown) i couldn't bring a child into the situation. AFTER i'd gone through with the operation which he TOOK me to - he broke down and told me he had wanted to keep the child and i had selfishly ignored his pleas (ERM WHAT PLEAS!) He continually used this against me as an excuse to cheat/leave or even in arguments as in 11 years it was all he had against me. However, this resulted in me blaming myself for his behaviour and excusing his actions. He had a tattoo of an angel holdng a cherub to record this event believe it or not and he liked to tell me and others there was 'deep meaning' to it almost like a punishment! I will never truly forgive myself for this and i will always wonder what if BUT only for me and the child i may have had and not for his sorry ass! I haven't spoken to him since February 6th and i mean we have had NO CONTACT i am learning through friends what his latest moves have been. It also doesn't help that the OW lives 2 minutes from my sisters house so we see his car parked there everyday! I am so relieved i found this site as for the last 2 weeks i had been researching BPD and Narcissism but it took actual stories and blogs from other victims to realise there is a pattern in behaviour, emotion, even their Narcspeak!! So the divorce has been left down to me to organise and pay for......he hasn't even the brains to realise that has to happen before he started declaring himself single on his FB. He literally has erased my existence from his life it is unbeievable how easy that has come to him i am speechless. How i wish i could do the same?!?! I do miss the good times and the nice side of him even though i have learnt from the blogs that this is not real. It's hard when you have spent 11 years with someone not to miss them.I find it hard not to compare myself to her just coz she's bloody gorgeous and thin and desirable and i keep imagining them having the same great honeymoon period we had but what if she never gets the bad parts and ends up changing him??? i have nightmares that i'm gonna hear he's engaged very very soon! Believe me when i say this though......i ain't EVER going back!!!
Mar 16 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

GOOD GIRL!!!! You are

GOOD GIRL!!!! You are learning so fast!!! ---getting the "good parts of him and ends up changing him?!?!?" I'm not trying to mock you luv, but snap out of it! THAT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. Not in a blue moon on leap year when pigs grow wings and fly around in a frozen Hell, would this ever happen. You gotta get that through your head. Seriously....I don't want you to have nightmares about it. Heh. He's just too LAZY to do the divorce himself, and it means he is closing a door that he would rather remain open for the future. Its always the same. They always leave us holding the bag. Youv'e been demoted to clean up crew. They are so pathetic. Although it doesn't always feel like it now, You have been greatly blessed and spared from a lifetime of HELL. Someone up there is really looking out for you. He/She has saved you from yourself, really. And you should be very grateful you didn't have children with him. That would have been a disaster, both for you and for them. As far as the abortion you had...overall I don't endorse it, but I can't really judge you, as I would probably have done the same. Its just a whole different ball game with a Narc, and you do what you have to do to survive one. Its funny that you should mention it because I remember that after we broke up I was late by a couple of weeks. As it turned out, I was just late, not pregnant. Thank God for that. But a friend of mine asked me if I would keep the baby if I was pregnant. I was surprised by my reaction because I told her there was no way I could bring myself to carry the baby as it would have been too emotionally stressful and there is no way in Hell I could ever see being stuck with THAT THING as its father for the rest of my life. I think it would have been different with a different man. I probably would have been sad about the break up, but I would have kept the baby. Its pretty bad that things come to that, right? They force us to abandon who we are and what we stand for, just to be able to survive in the relationship....and then it all ends badly anyways. This soon to be ex husband of yours used your personal pain and regret against you, for his own gain and amusement, and attempted to make you feel like a heartless bitch for making what you thought was the best decision at that time. You said there's a lot more you could tell us about what he did. I believe that in a heartbeat. This guy goes beyond Narcissist. He's a fucking psycho. Definitely cut your losses and count your blessings.
Mar 16 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
JMi
JMi's picture

Case in point - he doesn't

Case in point - he doesn't have a close circle of friends and when you do ask the lads he's been friends with in the past they are all his 'fairweather' friends much like us women!! They all comment on his selfish tendencies and his 'pop up' behaviour in and out their lives. None of them slag him off but he hasn't really ever hurt them - the point being he can't even commit to a friendship?!?! Alot of the time he surrounds himself with the people who suit his lifestyle at that time and then when its time to move on.........................
Mar 12 - 6AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Jmi

You are dealing with a "crazy"'man. As I read your story I can't believe that anyone would continue to allow such bad behavior and abuse for so long! This man has destroyed your self esteem! It's time you get it back, please re read this, this is just craziness, life is about happiness, love, & fun. This man is a disturbed individual, he is an abuser. And a train wreck. Not only to you but himself What are your plans? You need to go NC right now! Toss him in the trash and find who you are! Ideal, is mad, you need to stand up and fight for your life, why in the world would you even think twice about looking back? I would love to hear about you, all these guys are the same, who is JMi? Idealk
Mar 12 - 6AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

What a Roller Coaster!

Oh man! Whatever this guy is -- he's an A**HOLE! You are so glad to be rid of him. And, any man who marries in December & then is with another woman in March is always going to look bad to anybody who knows. He knew you for years & then married you, only to learn you were suffocating him! Anybody who buys that line is a jerk as well. Thank heaven you got away before you bought property or had a child. And this guy is ALWAYS coming back to you. You are HOME baby. You better decide right now that YOU are finished with him. Only communication about the divorce via lawyers. No more discussions about love, his needing you. Blah, Blah. All that occurs when his newest squeeze becomes less than perfect in his eyes & then he runs home (you) for refueling until he goes out & finds another woman. You don't need this. There is another lady here with a similar story. In the numerous reconciliations, they had a baby. And then she's tied to him for life & can never get rid of him even when they live in separate states. Please RUN AWAY as fast as you can.
Mar 12 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
JMi
JMi's picture

I think he's done re-fueling

I think he's done re-fueling with me - he pretty much sh*t on his doorstep with his latest actions being so close to home and all that. In the past when he did such things he disconnected from anything so it couldn't be traced back to him This time the force of this OW must have been to appealing and he's done it for all to see! Meanwhile, she's feeling pretty smug for herself coz on the outside she saw a seemingly long,strong and love fueled 11 year relationship and i think the little narcissist in her thought 'I WANNA PIECE OF HIM' - oh how she'll learn!!!