"Sick" Victims

I pondered all that too of what you are asking, why didnt he choose me, why is he still with this same woman when he initially wanted us to have a life together, if he was such a good loving caring man would he be cheating on the side on this woman, that we KNOW is NOT TRUE, he is NOT a man of honor or his word. Is she the love of his life? ha ha ha NOT hardly In my situation she was there long before I came into the picture, he probably has her right where he wants her and why spoil a good thing he has a woman that caters to his every need and he can cheat on with such ease. Was she better than I was in any way? NO NO NO, she is nothing more or less than I am. Let them ride off into the sunset together for all I care, what I do know is this He is betraying her WORSE than how he betrayed me she has given 10 years of her life to this man, loves him and he is off wanting orgies with other women and men SHE CAN HAVE HIM and all the sick crap that comes with him. I really feel quite sorry for her as she works every day comes home to this man thinking she is sooooo loved and the SOB sleeps with other women in THEIR BED mind you. She lives with a sexual predator. I really think we need to remember that WE had the strength and wisdom to GET OUT and who cares is a psychopath has a supply that means more to him, REALLY? I want this man to think I am awful supply because I am not an object from Ace Hardware by leaving him I told him I was HUMAN and will never tolerate someone treating me like that.

I've been both the OW and "current" W in my exN's life. Classic lifetime backup/current supply. His timing was impeccable. He always knew when to contact me just as his marriage/relationship was ending. In my experience, I think they do have favorites to fall back to, especially, when that person is so blinded by love or the illusion, that she is a gift that just keeps on giving. However, N favorite = convenient, ego-stroking supply. My exN became worse over time. He honed his finely-tuned N skills and has gotten away with so much that he will stop at nothing to exert full control and superiority. Lies, maniuplation, and crazy-making evolved into violent rages and physical abuse. I provided him with everything imaginable over the years. Yet, it was not enough. In the end, he moved the OW in to the house that we were living in (and that I paid off) while i was out of town. No closure, no explanation. He was done and erased me. My reward for being a loving, devoted soulmate and "favorite" of an N for 14+ years? No place to live, over $100,000 out-of-pocket, and emotional devastation. I still miss him and struggle with the exact same thoughts that you are having too. What has helped me is to realize that they are so empty and messed up inside that they eventually devalue and discard every single person they enter into an "relationship" with. The OW - like others before and after her - has an expiration date. Supply, instant gratification, power, and control - that's their drug. They really are at the center of their own f**ked up universe. Him being with the OW (ultimatims or not) has absolutley NO bearing on your own worth, beauty and value. staystrong! /d

stop thinking this way it will take you down. Start telling yourself what an amazing survivor you are! be proud. Scratch him out hes less worth than a piece of dog shit.

I think that what you are feeling is how their sick mind want you to feel, Its part of their distraction. We honestly have no idea how many women they have destroyed one by one. It makes me sick that you should question what your rank is. Your rank is a 10, a perfect 10. What he thinks ,screw it. He on the other had is a big fat loser "ZERO". Please realize he is sick and he cant think like a normal person, Mine is silent too, be glad it will just rustle your feathers and cause a set back. Hugs Idealk

on wishing he'd come back or whatever has to do not necessarily with "ego" but basic human expectations that exist when you "believe" you were bonded with someone? The numerous reports of "lack of closure" creates a total lack of validation and explanation... And I think that somewhere in our minds, their return would somehow indicate and comfort us that no, this was all a big bad dream...this wasn't real... Because I think we are left in shock when all of it hits the fan and we wonder...how the hell? What the hell? Oh hell?... I think that is the root...the lack of closure, answers, the realization that we gave everything, bared our souls, were open and it was all one great big make believe in our head and we struggle mentally with the CD...

I have to disagree with everyone and say that I do think they have their "favorites" for whatever reason. In my case I think I was a "favorite" in that I think I reminded him of a time when he was less "sick" and more normal though he was already suffering symptoms of the disorder. Now that some 20 years have passed I am able to see how much it has progressed. If you knew them when they were young I think you stand a chance of being a "favorite" in that they equate you with a time of their lives when they werent in so much turmoil. I also think a "favorite" could be someone with exceptionally good looks,accomplished and in possesion of lots of things.

I think we want what we cannot have, even if what we cannot have sucks and is awful. Just human nature I guess. The notion that they may be treating someone else better can be horrific to us. I tortured my X for months over the fact that he bought his X a nice engagement ring and I got a piece of crap, so there you go. I want to feel like I am the most important to my man not second fiddle. He swore it was because he was on drugs when he was with me and she bought the ring herself, which she admits to, however, it still irritated me big time. It still does if I think about it. I was brought up by a Dad who favored my sister and treated me like I was a piece of furniture to be sat on when he needed it. I think it created a feeling in me that I still get to this day when a guy treats me like crap and I hear that the OW has a better deal than I do. Or so I think: and that is the big issue here, this is what we often think. I don't believe it is true. A man who treats you as poorly as this one did you, is not going to be capable of treating another much better for any length of time. It's just an act. Trust, intimacy, and all the good qualities in a relationship take time to build and they take a man who is not a self serving, addicted, crazy, PD. Also, obsessing about all of this, will drive you nuts. I thought about the type of things you are speaking about for months with various narcs and it gets you no where. The bottom line is that they are lousy partners and the relationships don't work anyway. He probably feeds into her stuff because he is getting older now and is an ex con, and has blown his bridge with you and he is just pacifying her until he gets what he wants and will shortly go back to his old ways. These men are con artists, manipulators, liars, players, and spiritualy corrupted. NOONE is getting a better deal or considered better in their eyes. This is all a game for them, it's all about getting their needs met. Try not to lose site of this when you get on these emotional roller coaster rides in your head. I have been there and the only one who gets hurt by all that thinking is us. I want to start a topic about this and get some feedback from the other members and to what they have done to quiet the mind, and stop the obsessing. Justice, for me that was the biggest problem in my recovery, to stop thinking these negative thoughts in my head about how I was not good enough, or what was he up to now, ect... you know the drill and it sucks. I'll post that now and see what we get for responses, for me exercise, praying, support groups (Alanon is good) and things of that nature have worked. Goldie

My Narc hasn't been hoovering for a while and I'm sure he has someone else. It's not easy to think about, but I know I don't want to do any snooping around on facebook, etc. to see anything that will send me spiraling into a depression. I think it's best to not know what they are doing. Focus on ourselves as hard as that is. It's a true adjustment after devoting every day for years with the man you loved. It's hard to turn the focus on ourselves and learn to love us. One day at a time! Happy

It took a very, very long time for me to stop wishing that he would come back. I was insane with jealousy over the floozy he took up with not long after me, especially because she was unattractive and immature and trashy. And insane with jealousy over the women he chose to keep in his life as friends, because he spent so much time talking to me about how much they annoyed him and about all the things he couldn't stand about them. I would look at said floozy and the friends and remember how he always complimented me and feel destroyed that THESE were the women he chose over ME, and it made absolutely no sense. My ex never, ever said or did anything to belittle or demean me, so his sudden abandonment came completely out of the blue with no warning before or explanation after. I had no idea what had happened. I believe now that he left because I stopped letting him silde on things - standing me up, not calling me, not following through on anything, and then the few times we did talk afterward, I refused to accept his "What? We're still friends" when I asked what had happened and kept pressing for an answer, saying I deserved one. I was holding him accountable for his actions. He didn't like that. A part of me still misses him and wishes he would come back, and is still jealous of the women still in his life, I have to admit that. But I also know my life is much more peaceful and happy without him in it - it was chaos when he was here. That wishing and jealousy will go away in time.

and we are loyal subjects. No matter how they d&d us, they probably think in their self-serving egotistical minds that all the women they have brainwashed are pining over them, but they don't have a favorite. They are like Nomads who want to zap emotionally hungry women on their heads with their magic "love spell" creating volumes of "worshipers" to keep them feeling like they are some sort of Kings. I don't know, but it just seems to me like in their minds no matter how we really feel about them(and maybe they know our longings better than we do ourselves, lol)... they think all the women they have "wooed" will fall at their feet when they happen to call upon them.

"Do any of you think that Narcs have a sense of which source is more convenient for them and "less work" to secure?" Its not that complicated girl....its like if you was dating two men and one man gave you more attention than the other..youll choose the guy who satisfies what you need to attend ..either sexually..emiotionaly..or comercially..fake..theres not much of a scale involved..just small one on who makes you feel better..especially when your down..the narc is always hurt and sad inside..just like if you had a bad day..they just have that bad day everyday..and need anyone to fill it everyday If it makes you feel anybetter the ow is secondary supply..he really doesnt want her just like when he didnt want you because where all secondary supply for them..the final and last result....why..because when the outsde world says narc f off or f u freak...or simply doesnt feed the 24hour narc attention that they literally need..i mean literally they need attention around the clock from anyone..even a bumb..then theyll pick you or the ow..it really is very simple and exactly the way it works Narc depend on the world because its ever changing..fun and dynamic..you dont know what will happen next..in attention revolving them of course..they dont know if the president might ask them specifically to come have tea or sleep with his wife..thats how fd up they are..they beleive they can have the first lady.and probably take the presidents place.. Or if kanye wants to hang out with models..and the narc specifically has been invited to party all night.. You see justice there highly delusional and refuse to knock out of it or have there big narc bubble popped..thats why we was part of the fairytale..to them we wasnt real..with any emotions only interchangeable and there for them like Kanye..the president and his wife.. Sounds silly right... But beleive me when I say we was the last result for supply..it really was nothing personal. I mean how can you beat kanye and the prez...you cant right..well thats how they think.. The ever changing big huge world has somuch for them specifically that a winney..annoying woman cannot please or give..unless theres no constant attention being given or if the narc never meets kanye and his models or the prez and first lady..we become so call primary when the real primary the world gets to real and natually pops the narcs bubble.. When naturally the world says hey youll never meet kanye or beyonce and you sure will never sweep the first lady off her feet like you did those poor women you call gf or wife or ow... We rewright history for them..we the secondary supply the last result..we make them feel special around the clock because where gf now or wives or baby mommas..whatever it is we are there..constantly to feed them attention and to call them our man..which makes a narc feel like cloud nine..we accept them and rewright history..so they dont have to face the real world dissapointments and truths..where the perfect coverup..or bandaid..for all the tiny narc problems...until we become too real also..thats when new secondary supply the ow comes im..notice Jones I said Secondary not primary..shes not primary and will never be..the exciting world comes first.. When you take off your "I got a ego" glasses and see what these guys do to all of us not just you..youll say "ohhh loser"..it took me a while to take off my "I got a ego" glasses too..and envied the ow also.. constantly asking why..now theres no why just a you..turn the attention of you being primary to your own needs and dont worry about what the pesty narc is doing..hes probably creating another corny dream.. Xx Imstrong

Thanks for asking some thought provoking questions...they're really good I think... I'll take a crack... That you wish your exN would still seek you out? In the beginning absolutely...I really didn't have an idea what his problem was until I started reading so yes...I yearned for a reunion...I can't quite explain, as the more I read, the more I became aware and made connections to all the things he had done throughout? It was harder for me because he was really really subtle but I always did feel as if he "had his ass up on his shoulders" so to speak and the irony is...no doubt about it...I WAS THE ONE SETTLING...just in terms of Education, Background, Ability to support myself independently...don't get me wrong...I'm a pauper bar none but haven't had to have a man up in here to help me make the rent no matter what...culture, poise, polish...yes, I can curse like a truck driver but I can also make my way into upper echelon circles "undetected" whereas...with him...he wasn't strkinkly "low class" but he lacked genuine "polish" Despite all of that...I thought I was looking into his "spirit" or his "soul" and none of that stuff really mattered to me? I'm just making note of the dichotomoy between the reality and how he was able to successfully distort it just by his "huffery puffery" grandiosity which in reality is far from earned...I mean aan ex crack head? Okay 18 years clean but WTH was I thinking...the only thing changed is he doesn't smoke crack and/or steal...the rest...still a con artist! But yes, early on before I knew all that I know now....yup! AND I am so glad I found this board.... That the fact he has moved onto another woman, causes you jealousy that he has chosen to use her or finds her as a source of supply now, that is better than you? NO! Actually I only recently learned that he found my replacement probably moments after the sheets cooled down...he was in hot pursuit of trolling which is what led to the breakup...BUT A. I saw her pic and she looks wasted, used, I hate to sound harsh but there is a "look" that drug abusers get even when they're done using...they could be clean as a whistle...but some, not ALL get this hardened look on their face? That is what she looks like...now, I'm 43 but I look okay for 43 - there are many that look much better than me, and many that look worse...BUT I'm okay with my looks so when I saw that it kinda boosted MY ego some...in fact being a "witch" in one of my missives I said something like: I no longer hate you...I pity you because I think about what you have to look at first thing in the morning and I laugh...it gives me pleasure...and you know what - it does because he is so damn VAIN and grandiose that I think the only draw is that she is "caucasian" - we're Latino...It might have killed me if he was in bed with a Cindy Crawford...but I think he has an issue with his own color/ethnicity and so this is part of that "image"...actually I'm mixed...I"m all three...latino, black and white so I have 'em all shades in my family but for him...being "full blooded" latino and being raised in that culture and knowing what I know about it...his family was racist...had a thing against african americans...so his sister went one extreme and went with what we call "blue black" but complexion wasn't the issue..she rebelled and tried to find the most ghetto thug she could find to boot, whereas with him because of "image" I think he tries to find as close to Albino he can find to get the "approval" to make up for what he feels is inadequate...he married a caucasian lady and I wasn't too impressed but for him...I hate to say it, it seems like yes, "race" is another thing to do with it...Gosh I wish I could send pictures so you can SEE what I'm saying...the fact he's with a white woman isn't the problem but it is evident that he doesn't care what type of "white" woman he's with...sort of "JUST BE WHITE!!!" almost in desperation? I hope I'm being understood here...because these things can be soooo misintepreted. Okay, what I'm trying to say is that I CAN SEE that for him, this woman, whom he's chosen and he has a previous history with a white woman...he married one...it doesn't seem like he's with these women for "love" or "companionship" or a "soul connection" and I know he DID NOT HAVE THAT WITH ME EITHER...but it's almost like he'll play with "women of color" and use them up AND he will do the SAME with a "WHITE" woman? BUT I believe he will MARRY a "WHITE" woman even though his narcissism has him secretely HATING her ABUSING her and all that other good stuff...DEGRADING HER...still not seeing her as ANY BETTER...but he will marry her because of the image the "WHITE" woman creates for him. Which to me...that is really pathetic and disgusting which really helped screw MY head on straight! Cause to me, that is just vile. Though it is sick, it validated your worth that he still sought or seeks you out as a source of supply? I got caught up in that conundrum at one point, then I got wise and sent him a farewell letter that I just posted today...again, once I understood about Narcissism what I was dealing with more was the PAIN of just being so hurt by someone I loved...but at the same time they disgusted me so it took away the yearning for his return...I wanted him to make an attempt for MY EGO so I could reject him...but in reality, once that lightbulb went off, that was it for me I was totally turned off and disgusted by him...I didn't hate him...he just made me feel slimey for having been with him? Like enough soap couldn't wash him off me? I really feel in a way like I look down on him...it's like now towards him, I can be just as narcissistic? WITHOUT one ounce of second guessing or guilt. I don't go out of my way to engage...he's in his corner I'm in mine but I truly do see him as a nothing, a crumb, and I'm almost at indifference although somehow there is still pain but it's not overwhelming at all, I can deal with it and I can feel it dissipating...hard to explain - he's still in my head but I don't know exactly on what level or what status he holds...definately not my prince... When he hasn't or no longer does seek you as supply, you are depressed or disappointed, wondering what he sees in the OW, that he doesn't see in you? NOPE!...not at all...what he sees is supply, image, a perfect doormat, half the rent, free Effing, laundry, cooking, cleaning, food shopping, bill paying...you know LIFE MANAGEMENT duties...uhhhh and yea...the F-Bomb because that is exatly what it is to these jokers... Do any of you think that Narcs have a sense of which source is more convenient for them and "less work" to secure? ABSOLUTELY and intially they like the chase so they go for the challenge because that feeds their ego, then when they get busted, to take a breather and improve their image they find a doormat who takes abuse so they can front that they can actually have a "functional" relationship...of course this is all B.S. its just that she's a better doormat but she serves HIS function which in a way is to spite the old supply and "show her" that it was HER who was dysfunctional....I've read a number of articles which say they for some reason tend to titrate down when they've struck gold with someone of a higher calibre then they are...remember...what they "love about you" the most is what they "really hate" about you and envy you for...they go for the doormats for a breather so they can start up their games again...it's a drug rush...a game. They're addicts...in EVERY Sense of the word...no diffrent...even if they've never touched a drug... Do you ever find yourself comparing the situations between you and the OW, and think, "Hey, I provided him with this and this and that. I was better in this way or that than the other woman, yet he is still staying with her?" This situation could also be that the OW has given the same ultimatums and taken the same measures as you, yet the Narc works harder at securing them as sources...making you feel worth less to them? No...I know I did it all and I know I did it well, and I doubt very much that this particular one can top me...in fact, I am so freaking possibly OCD, unless she is, I doubt many can top me...I am a perfectionist and that is something I need to work on...I'm not anal retentive...but I"m very driven and it's a result of my childhood...in fact, even if SHE's competent...I'm so much a perfectionist I could proably make her look like she can't find her way out of a paper bag without GPS...and that is not an attack on HER personally - it's anyone he could pull because in my case, it was a "pity" pull but the reality is he will NEVER find anyone that comes close to me and I know that because of who HE is...and what I settled for. AND this isn't arrogance speaking...this is really accepting the facts and working on my self esteem and realizing MY worth and I am lucky that those things came back as soon as they did...or I should say that I actually freaking found them cause I was low in those areas but I feel good about me even though I still have a lot of healing to do...Gosh I'm writing alot but this was good for me...THANK YOU JUSTICE!!! Do you think that the Narcs have a "scale" of worth to them that they compare their sources of supply to and even prioritize which is more important to them? Yes, I do and it's all tied to who can be the BEST doormat and feed them endlessly... These are some thoughts I came up with as I was reflecting on my recovery...some feelings I used to struggle with early on and thought they may make a good discussion; wondering if any other victims felt this way? They were great! Thanks! I think I'll even sleep better tonight getting this out! Hugs dear!