Maybe my ex is a narc with emotions?!

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Mar 9 - 6AM (Reply to #29)
Happy1
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trulybroken

I think we show more compassion when someone is hurt and it's REAL. I don't believe they have true emotions for others.
Mar 9 - 5AM
newpage
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Hi Trulybroken, Mine cried A

Hi Trulybroken, Mine cried A LOT in the beginning, whenever he did anything wrong or thought I might leave him he would turn on the waterworks. I had never seen a man act like that before. It's interesting too, that yours seemed to change with sobriety. With my ex, I think his tears dried up when he started taking heavy medication (he's been diagnosed with a mental illness, but not a personality disorder like N or BPD. I -think- there is a distinction? I am not sure...) The abrupt change is very unsettling. He was almost like a child, and I thought, this guy is pretty sensitive- how refreshing! And then it was gone, and he was as cold as ice. Never seemed to have remorse, never seemed to cry, stopped expressing himself. I'm not sure if this had to do with his medication, or the eventual D&D. It is so hard for us to see them in this one extreme to the other... Hugs, NP
Mar 9 - 6AM (Reply to #22)
newpage
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PS, My ex, who I HIGHLY

PS, My ex, who I HIGHLY suspect to be disordered, accused me of crying in order to manipulate. He put me through the emotional wringer so many times in the beginning, and manipulated me into bending to his will (becoming emotionally involved with him despite working with he and his newlywed wife). It was just too much pressure for me to take! He was declaring his love to me, yet going home with her every night and putting on a show for all to see at the office, portraying himself as caring attentive husband. He went from 'Please don't cry', 'I hate myself for making you cry.' to, 'I think you cry to manipulate people.' I guess he forgot about all of his crocodile tears at that point...when the mask comes down, it comes down hard.
Mar 9 - 1PM (Reply to #23)
Susan32
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Crying as manipulation

The ex-Psych professor CONSTANTLY accused me of using tears for manipulation. He'd bully me in class because I was mourning my grandfather, reducing me to tears publicly... then claim I was playing a game to make him look bad. Okay, so I go to the on-campus therapist, I happen to be in one of her classes (she's a professor too), and she is one of the ex-P's colleagues... she said that my tears were a protest against the ex-P's bad behavior. This is pretty damning, coming from a colleague. He thought my tears were simply an act, and he'd joke to my classmates that I was "going to a therapist to learn how to manage her emotions." He thought my tears were incredibly funny, that my grief for my grandfather was like a cartoon. This was my freshman year. I'm pretty sure that during the final D&D of senior year, when the ex-P was publicly reducing me to tears... no longer in the classroom, but in front of HIS colleagues&MY classmates... he saw it as manipulation. He'd be smiling smugly while I was crying&accuse me of embarrassing myself. He had said my freshman year,"I love watching you cry." He saw my tears simply as an act. He accused me of weeping to get attention... because the tears stopped after I met his girlfriend. I was no longer going around campus, weeping. But then again, I NEVER told him that I was crying myself to sleep. That would've been too much fun. During the final D&D, I tried to confine my tears to my room, so I became a hermit. I knew how much he enjoyed seeing me cry.
Mar 9 - 5PM (Reply to #24)
newpage
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Wow Susan

"she said that my tears were a protest against the ex-P's bad behavior" That is pretty damning! Sometimes, I actually wondered that about my tears as well. Not that I thought I was manipulating, but anticipating the abuse and trying to ward it off. Interesting.
Mar 9 - 5AM
Goldie
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Narcissist can cry

I have seen all of them cry at one point or another. I think when they are the wounded type not the over indulged type they are more likely to cry if they get severely triggered and of course they can all cry for effect. These guys are the masters of manipulation don't forget and if a few tears can tug on your hearts strings they are going to muster up the strength to cry. I mostly have seen them cry when they are backed into a corner and feel trapped and confronted, with nowhere to turn. I found an article on the subject on PsychCentral, Lopez De Victoria, S. (2008, August 4). How to Spot a Narcissist. http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/03/29/narcissists-who-cry-the-other-side-of-the-ego/ Goldie
Mar 9 - 2PM (Reply to #19)
mystwoman
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Goldie, this is a really

Goldie, this is a really great article. I'm making a copy of it for myself. It describes xnh perfectly (all the way from his transparent, humongous ego right down to the core of his rotten, little, self-centered black heart). lol. If I didn't know that narcs seem to be cut from the same cloth, I would have sworn the author knew xnh personally. Thanks so much for posting this link. :)

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Mar 10 - 4AM (Reply to #20)
Goldie
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You are welcome

I know, it's like they all read the same manual on "How to be a complete ass and treat people like crap." Goldie
Mar 9 - 5AM (Reply to #12)
Trulybroken
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Yes, but everyone is guilty

Yes, but everyone is guilty of crying as a manipulation?! I'm sure there are some who use tears more as a tactic than others, but my ex never use tears to manipulate. He was the king of passive agrresive/denial to manipulate.
Mar 9 - 7AM (Reply to #18)
michele115 (not verified)
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Trulybroken

you said: He was the king of passive agrresive/denial to manipulate. Tears manipulate too! Ever seen a little kid turn on the tears? "Look how sensitive I am".... Think: Image....
Mar 9 - 5AM (Reply to #13)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I hear what you are saying

It is very difficult to speculate as to whether or not he feels, for us on here because we don't have the full picture. All I can say is that Narcs can cry and do. He may have a different PD and abandonment issues as well. As you say, this is not an exact science and we are learning more each day about PD's. You were with him for longer and know more than we do. I know that when someone gets sober, they often become more emotional because the alcohol blocked their ability to feel or they can lose their ability to demonstrate feelings because the alcohol allowed them to feel where as when they are sober they shut down. There are so many variables. See what I am saying? Also alcohol can create a false dramatic sense of feeling. An example would be how someone who is drunk starts appearing to be sentimental. Some say that the alcohol gives them courage others say it can create false sentimentality. The addict is also the master at using their "emotions" to manipulate. Think crocodile tears. I don't think that someone's ability to cry over sad stories about children means for one second that they have any intention of doing anything to help those children. They may cry because it triggers them in some why because they were mistreated. There can also be a disconnect regarding them really caring about those children aside from the fact that it triggered something in them. I would look at behaviors not emotions when it comes to PD's and addicts. Do they care enough to do something about your needs? Is what is important to you something they take action to care about? Do they go out and help these children they are crying about on TV by sending money or helping them in the community? This is the true test. Tears do not mean change. Tears do not mean true compassion. Tears do not mean they are connected to the feeling in terms of action. Tears can be a great manipulator by addicts and PD's and as you say, most anyone can cry to get what they want. Watch the actions, that is where the truth and the proof lie. Question his actions towards you and others to find your answer. Goldie
Mar 9 - 6AM (Reply to #14)
Trulybroken
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Reality is, 95% of the

Reality is, 95% of the population doesn't take a stand for something they feel passion about. Because someone doesn't take action, doesn't mean they don't feel or can't feel. It just means they don't take action. I agree, a lot can be said about actions, but we can't base everything on this.
Mar 9 - 6AM (Reply to #15)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Yes, I think we can

I think the topic of whether or not others help is up for speculation and debate. Most of the people I know do. As far as the PD's go, yes, in my opinion actions are the yardstick. Their words and "emotions" do not match their actions. They do not appear to be deeply concerned about us or others for that matter, for any length of time when you look at their actions. Their words are the best; when I look back over the PD's I've know, noone can spin a yarn, engage in romantic banter, make your knee's weak with words like a PD. They are amazing with the romantic spiels. The true test is in their actions and are they consistant or do they only throw you a bone when they want something from you or want to get back in your good graces? Goldie
Mar 9 - 6AM (Reply to #16)
spinning
spinning's picture

Ditto, Goldie...

...Mine was the king of pretty words, emotional words, moving words, words that sounded beautiful. He even recited poetry. PUKE. He never helped me with anything. Was never there when I needed him. Would conveniently not answer his phone until the crisis was over. Said he would do this and that, get me this and that, we would go here and there and he followed through on NONE OF IT. With PDs, this is a HUGE RED FLAG. It goes back to the saying 'when someone SHOWS you who they are the first time, believe it.' How I wish I had. I let the pretty words get in the way. Sincerely (determined to stop) spinning

spinning

Mar 11 - 8PM (Reply to #17)
ifinallygotit
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Spinning

Mine was the same - waited until the problem was solved so he would not have to take any responsibility. But often he would criticize the outcome: "Why did you get such a crappy TV" when he refused to help or "Why did you buy a black car, they are the worst color for dirt" when he would not go to help me buy one. He was also not there for me on a deep emotional level and I would have to wait until I was through the problem and happier before he could handle being with me... Man, my self esteem must have been in the negative zone...very embarrassing to tell how little he cared about me...
Mar 9 - 4AM
whskywmn5
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Emotions

My husband can get very emotional while reading, or watching something sad, he tries to pretend he doesnt, but i see him wiping the tears from his eyes with the kleenex. Course he will deny it if you mention it to him. Only then do you see any type of emotion like that from him. If he talkings about anyone or anything its always in a hateful nasty way, tearing everyone down, me, his kids, the ex doesnt matter while he never does anything wrong.
Mar 9 - 4AM
gettinbetter
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I got the tears as he was

I got the tears as he was telling me he would wait for me as long as it took. Its hard to say. He swore he loves me however he does not speak to me. He is a wack job. I dont know if yours is a borderline or not but you may want to read up on borderlines. They are capable of emotions. Its an emotional dysregulation problem. I read that they are the most toxic of the cluster B's. I am almost certain that mine is what I call a Barc. I think he is a combos of "quiet" borderline/Narcissist.
Mar 9 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

SOI

Is your story posted? I couldn't find it. If it is, I'd love if you could send me the link. My therapist suggested that my ex could be BPD, and it sounds like you may have encountered this, too. I'm looking for an answer to a question I'm not sure of, if that makes any sense.
Mar 9 - 5AM (Reply to #7)
Hunter
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SOI

Yep, same tears same story, whack job!! Have an ideal Day:)
Mar 9 - 5AM (Reply to #8)
Happy1
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Idealk

I agree! whackadoo jobs!!
Mar 9 - 5AM (Reply to #2)
Trulybroken
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"Barc" <----- I like it!

"Barc"
Mar 9 - 5AM (Reply to #3)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

barc can introduce BITE!

barc can introduce BITE!
Mar 9 - 5AM (Reply to #6)
Hunter
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Happy

That was Ideal!
Mar 9 - 5AM (Reply to #4)
gettinbetter
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Oh have the bites all over me

Oh have the bites all over me in the form of hives today!
Mar 9 - 6AM (Reply to #5)
Happy1
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SOI

I'm sorry! Stressing today?