ifinallygotit's story

Denial comes in waves

I am still in too much pain to share my whole story. I was friends with the N for 12 years and in what I thought was a committed relationship for about 7 years. I always knew that there was something very odd and limited about his communication, but I decided to accept him for who he was (and thought that his high profile professional career had stunted his emotional growth). I was healthier at the beginning and broke up with him one summer when he was rude and ignored my needs for weeks. That was long ago, over time, I fell deeply in love, lost all boundaries and accepted really horrible rejecting disrespectful behavior, as if it was normal. I pretended he was very independent, could not handle intimacy, deep down loved me and was just doing his thing, being nice to everyone on the outside world, being a local celebrity about town (he used to be famous) and only being with me when he felt like it.
I was the only long term girlfriend he ever had. I used to stupidly think he was just late to mature and had finally found someone he loved and would grow into appreciating me. Now I see I just was more codependent and took more crap than any other woman, so provided perfect low maintenance supply! Of course he liked me better than the others, so much easier. Plus I travel alot so it allowed him to have the freedom to screw around as much as he wanted. He told me that he used to see other women but stopped doing this for me - he couldn't really say when he stopped dating other women, just that it had been years...
I believed every lie he ever told - again perfect supply. He did silent treatment me on me two different summers for no apparent reason. Once, after a fun day when he did some nice favors for me, he disappeared for 6 weeks until I finally went to his house looking for him totally stressed by his disappearance.. He was calm and glad to see me and had no explanation for his behavior, just said he must be a jerk. We immediately got back together for another 4 years. Most recently, he abandoned me after leaving town
permanently while I was away on a vacation. He emailed me that he had left for a job interview when actually he had packed his clothes and drove across the country to a job that was already waiting for him. He called when I got home to say" I got the job" (he already knew he had the job before leaving town) and that we were definitely not breaking up, that he simply needed work. My car was still parked in front of his house here (that he no longer lives in) and my clothes and car keys are still in this house 7 months later. After about a month of a few calls and emails after his move he seemed to be very distant. He invited me to come visit him (I said I wanted to see him) and I never heard from him again. I thought it was just another silent treatment and that he was having adjustment problems. I had no ideas that he had broken up with me, deserted me for new supply. I did not know he was an N, he was a "nice" quiet but rejecting and controlling type. I sent emails and got no explanation ever. I called him after a few months and he did not say he wanted to break up or good bye. he acted like he missed me. He posted pictures of himself with his new gf on facebook after another month. I am the natural type, she looks like a hooker (really). He never called me again but texted happy holidays twice at TG and xmas. I have not heard from him again - no good bye, no lets arrange to return each others things, no apology. We were very very close even though it was an unhealthy r. The end had been freaky and devastating...I still cannot believe he could be this bad and cold but he is. I had warning signs and knew about his past which was not good. I thought I was different than all the rest...