Hope's Story

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#1 Mar 6 - 7AM
Hope
Hope's picture

Hope's Story

I recently learned of this serious personality disorder when I too was dumped after 2.4 years of steady dating, when I went for counseling because I was in total shock and described the things my XN said and did my counselor explained it to me and from that point on I have been learning and putting the pieces together. I read a lot about this on line, Sam Vaknin, etc. I try to not obsess too much about it and direct myself to more positive things like focusing on myself, family and friends, etc. but it does astound me to see how covert, manipulative, and deviant these people are. I am now able to recognize this condition in a few other people too, a couple of x-bosses I had. I am now 11 months with NC from the XN, it was a 30 second phone call (where he told me his "feelings" have changed and feelings are feelings) and I sent him one short email thanking him and wishing him good luck with the rest of his life (because I saw a book on his nightstand at one time when we had a fight about being co-dependent, he has co-dependent tendencies, a lot of N's have other disorders, but that's the least of his problems) about a week after, before I knew anything about this disorder. I avoid any place I think I may run into him like the plague, (he lives in the next town over). My counselor told me I won't hear back from him and it appears to be true. He is engaged, getting married for the third time this July, it will only be a year and 3 months after he let me go. I have only been married once. My first husband too was very disturbed, with grandiose fantasies, both have an overvaluing mother in common. I had been single for 15 years when I met my XN, I was super strong, have a great career, beautiful house and three beautiful grown sons. I went from being super independent to almost the opposite, but he had to work hard at me, I did not entertain seriously discussions about marriage and tried to convince him that he should stay single after two failed marriages. Lots of small symptoms all make sense now, he would say you can always find me with the women and children, when we were in the Bahamas with a couple other couples and we the women were cooking in the kitchen, he would refer to himself in the third person, as "old Teddie boy" (made up the name), said he has all kinds of useless goo in his head, (photographic memory claim), said he treats all his women good, (I thought past tense) little did I know; he made me spend every weekend night with him, for 2.4 years, was literally up my a** for two years, just the last three months he was very depressed, his four siblings are weird, very dysfunctional, and two of them have actually sued him, he has strained relationships with three of his grown children from his first marriage, it was like the war of the roses when he divorced, he put spy ware on his computer to capture all his second wife's passwords and regularly accessed her email, banking, and match accounts telling me he needed to strategize for his divorce because he had to keep his pension. I could go on and on but I think you get the idea, the scary thing is he is intelligent, is in a position of power in town, (Fire Chief) and abuses that every chance he gets, driving the car around town like a big man on personal business, etc. he also has a small plane he flies around and kept me interested because we traveled around and it was always exciting, this was the only way really he could get women, he was not very attractive, but thinks he is. There were signs, right from the beginning, (he was seeing a counselor because his second XW left him, I never asked him why because I figured its none of my business) that he had a dark, cold side, he would keep two of his x-wife's cats locked up in the basement, I would ask if I could let them out in the morning when we got up, after about 1.5 years, I took a week off from work, he presumptuously also took that week so we could have fun together, which was not what I had in mind when I had to go back into work that Monday to finish a project, just for a day that week, he was not supportive at all, (despite the fact we had taken vacations and time off together previously) and was butting in with my children, my sons, he was very jealous of them, and was trying to make me feel as if they did not respect me, I broke it off with him then (it only lasted a week) and the devaluation started, I then told him I would not sell my house and move down south with him, something he was hinting he wanted to do, he said I'm not stupid I can see that; he would have loved for me to have sold my house and disown my kids and run off with him, he kept making subtle hints that he wanted a 250' sailboat when it was time to get rid of his plane, I bought him a nice print of a sail boat, but that's about all he was going to get from me. I think then he started planning his next source, I didn't see it coming, I might have been in denial. I do think he cheated the entire time, he must have been very good at that, funny how they say things to throw you off completely, he said about his secretary, how his wife used to say to him, "oh I know you are F****** her, and how he had to put up with that. I said to myself, gee I wonder if that is true?? I looked at his email once when it was open and sure enough an email from the secretary telling him she "went to the gym today." Of course I never said anything, I rationalized the comment, saying maybe they are like family all being in the fire department and I could not say anything because I didn't want to be like the XW. (This is the backwards speak stuff, he did a lot of that, everything he said about his second XW was really true about him). But I got a lot out of him, he did a lot for me around my house, some of it I paid him for and we traveled and had a great time when everything was going his way, so I'm taking all the good from this and now I know when I meet someone that is functional I know exactly what I want and I'll never ignore red flags again. I read a lot of relationship books, the latest is Why Men Love Bitches, by Sherry Argov. According to her book I did about 90% of everything right, I can improve on making sure my needs are met and not giving up time with my friends, keeping those relationships strong. We are women too, should not be so empathetic and nice. I have been very fortunate to have easily put my life back together, having many friends that are very supportive, even one of my XN's friends, a couple I am still very close too, he does not associate with them too much anymore. His next relationship will be a disaster, as this women has no idea what's in store. I'm one of the lucky ones, I think it will just take time to get over this as it does with everything, time is the big healer, of course NC is the best tool you have, anytime you have contact, you need to re-set the clock, and begin at go again, I also find this happens even if I hear about him or what he is up to, which I'm careful to tell friends to ask me first before they tell me. I'm using some of techniques in the positive thinking I read here, also my counselor instructed me on that, make a poster board of your personal vision, I have my board just need to put some of my interests on that, travel, sewing, photography, decorating, exercise, sailing, golf, my list goes on and on. I have many interests N's don't want you to have your own interests. Funny I went to a chiropractor shortly before my XN and I split, he asked me what my interests were, I couldn't even think of one, I said reading, which was at the time I was reading some funny books my friend gave me, but imagine, not even being able to come up with more than that?? All I can say is never, ever, again. I go to the gym every day I'm at work, I'm in great shape and have a new granddaughter and so much more to look forward to in life. I wish everyone here the same, stay strong, and pity these poor fools!! Have hope and never give up that you will meet your real soul mate some day, someone worthy of your love!

Mar 12 - 9AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

Your name says it all. Thank

Your name says it all. Thank goodness you saw through this man. It gives all of us Hope, welcome to our family of those who overcome. How wise you are.
Mar 8 - 4PM
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

Hope

What a beautiful and inspiring post. i am so glad that you were strong. I wish at the tender age of 22 that I was as strong as you but here i am 25 years later trying to put this nightmare behind me and find some peace. Well i will keep praying for peace and a better life without him. Thanks!

victimnomore

Mar 8 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
Hope
Hope's picture

Strength...

Dear Victimnomore: You are strong now, so that is all that matters. These people are covert and we are trusting and good, don't beat yourself up for that. I hope you got your RO, I got one when I was 33, (on my XNH) I had three little boys, 5, 9, and 10, it worked, if he comes to the house, just call the police. Maybe you can move and don't leave a forwarding address. My son told me of my recent experience that I dodged a big bullet, and I truely believe that. Even if I don't meet anyone, I'll still be happy with myself, my family and my friends, you have lots to look forward too. I hope you can begin to enjoy life soon, you certainly deserve it!!! Give yourself a pat on the back!!