I am pissed off!

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#1 Feb 20 - 1PM

sara-smile

I am pissed off!

I woke up in the worst mood this morning and it's getting worse by the minute! I'm just pissed! Almost raging pissed! I felt it coming last night and it's full blown this morning!

Why is it that I let my life and my head be controlled by a verbal and physically abusive PIG? Why is it that every freaking thing reminds me of him? I have been working so hard and retraining my brain and it works great most of the time but it's not working now. It's a beautiful day and I'm in the house furious! I think it might be because I didn't think I'd be here on a beautiful day like today! I'm supposed to be out with Narc Boy riding horses or playing outside with the kids or a million other freaking things we planned for our wonderful lives together! Please don't get me wrong.....I DO NOT want that with him anymore. I am just mad that my life took such a sudden turn and now all those fun times and plans are GONE! Well they are gone for me! I'm sure the new GF is having tons of fun with the idiot. And yes I know she's going to live through the verbal and physical abuse eventually and be D&D just like he has with every woman in his life BUT I HAD PLANS!!! My life is supposed to be set right now! I'm not supposed to be at home alone! I'm supposed to be happy! DAMNIT!

I would like to drive to his house and just beat the hell out of him! Please don't panic because I'm not going to. I'm just saying.......wouldn't it be nice if they EVER got a taste of their own medicine? EVER?????? Wouldn't it be nice if they had the capacity as a human being to SUFFER? EVER? If they had the capacity to feel any freaking thing then it would make this easier because I could say HEY! You are a piece of trash and a no good cheating liar and it would mean something!

I'm gonna stop now. I could go on and on. Ladies do you ever do this? How do I stop it? I'm wasting another day on him. I'm going to put my running shoes on and hit the road and try to run some of this rage out of my system.

I've just had it - Sara

#2 Feb 20 - 9PM

newgal

Sounds like me

Hi Sara.. I felt the same way... my N ex left me with my 2 kids and 3 dogs and cheated with his best friends wife. He ruined our plans for the future and I was mad. But.. then I realized one day that God planned my life to happen this way. I was too weak to leave that Narcissist cuz he took away my self esteem and he made me weak. God wanted this man to leave so I could have a happier life. It truly hurts sometimes. but i would rather have my current pain than the pain that he gave me when we were married and he never came home. The lies of cheating... drinking and being gone all the time. That pain hurt much worse. I found an online book called Counterfeit Heart and it states that Narcissts will never change. The new girl will soon find out and she will have the same relationship that you and your Narcissist husband had. LOL! She deserves it! Tell yourself you are much better off! Dust yourself off... Get a hot body.. hot clothes and find yourself a man that will treat you right! I did and it is sweet revenge. My ex N cant stand it. I am in the best shape of my life. Go get it, girl!

#3 Feb 20 - 9PM (Reply to #43)

sara-smile

newgal

Newgal if I knew where you lived I'd run there and hug you!!! I always use to think that I couldn't leave....that I wasn't strong enough to leave. I needed that "hit" from him like a junkie. Now that he's gone it's hard but my mind keeps telling me FINALLY you can get back to living for you. My heart keeps telling me different sometimes but my head is winning at the moment. If he would just leave me alone it would be so much easier. He just can't let it go. He wants me and the new GF and the ex-wife and every other female that pays him any attention. I'm so glad to hear your success story!!! I'm working on getting my hot body back and then I'll get some new clothes and I'll show him he didn't destroy my life! I'll look that book up now! Thank you for the post! Sara

#4 Feb 20 - 10PM (Reply to #44)

newgal

Hi Sara

Hi Sara.. I live in Phoenix...lol... hug hug. My N ex still does not leave me alone. My councelor said that he probably never will leave me alone. I track the time that he stalks me and I have filed restraining orders. I may have to move soon to get away from him cuz he cant stand being away from me. He too always wants me, his GFs.. but he cant have me. He doesnt deserve me. Be careful.. Narcissists are crazy. Get a restraining order if you need to. Dont respond to their craziness they will use it against you in court if you need it one day. Get rid of the drama once and for all! I am!

#5 Feb 20 - 6PM

aceonelady

Mother Teresa...Aceonelady

Besides i am not feeling like Mother Teresa anymore(he used to call me so)i am feeling more like Calamity Jane ,or Ma Baker....

Aceonelady

#6 Feb 20 - 6PM

aceonelady

Sarah Smile...Never look back

Well ladies in my opinion they are not unhappy...They just go on doing what they do perfectly ok with that...That saying that we will be better off than them i do not think so...They do not feel pain,remorse,love ANYTHING....they do not have brains,souls...I am accepting now that i am carrying scars for life,so i look at them in the mirror,i am NOT going to hope,wish that mine EX N will feel anything not even 1% from what i have been feeling for 2 years and some already or his daughter ,now 18 that also have been abused by him,or the other women that he did terrible things too...Get real ladies they are psychopats they do not suffer or feel anything...just lust anger and envy...but for them,this is their natural state of mind,for us would be hell,but they are perfectly ok with that!They only would feel temporay pain if they got catch by the law,put in jail ,but even so i am certainly they are still oblivious...And most of them are so cunning and deceitful that they never get cought....So i really do not believe they are unhappy....they are like drug addicts,when we see them we think:oh my god how could someone live like that>but you know what?they are happy as a pig in the S**T....When they go to rehab,thats when they are unhappy....they standards and feelings are totally the opposite from a healthy person....Thats why i knoe that N/P is happy always as a pig in the s***t,please stop thinking that we are better off...we are better off without them,sure but we have scars they do not...Sorry if sounds crude and raw but i believe is the plain ugly true and i am tired of in order to feel better to think they do suffer....Mine told me the only thing he fears is jail and a painful dead....I woke up

Aceonelady

#7 Feb 20 - 7PM (Reply to #37)

neverlookback

I somewhat disagree

If you think living the life of an addict can be happy, and these people are addicts for supply. They may get their need for supply met pretty readily but how would you like to exist that way? Knowing what you do is WRONG but NOT caring, to me that would be hell on earth. You say they dont suffer the damage we have suffered? ARE YOU KIDDING? They are the very personification of damaged, I would much rather feel the emotional damage I have been dealt than live a loveless, empty immoral life they live. Thats my view at least, I am glad I can feel the pain for other human beings.

#8 Feb 20 - 8PM (Reply to #38)

sara-smile

neverlookback

I somewhat disagree too. My Narc has a dysfunctional family, liars and cheater and drunks as friends, his kids only every other weekend and he spends most of his life faking who he is. How can that be happy? He puts on the front as happy until he needs some attention. He is SO insecure that he spends most of his days paranoid and miserable. He's constantly working some scheme against somebody and fills his days and night without someone to truly love. I loved this man with every ounce of being I had and he spent all day and all night raging and trying to figure out who I was sleeping with or who I was talking to because he has such major trust issues!! His mind never stops creating drama and conspiracy theories against everybody in his life. I could go on and on and on. Yes he parties and hangs out with his drunk friends and he has women in and out of his life but he has nothing stable to hold on to. That may not matter every day but it gets very lonely in that big house he lives in when its just him. He's told me that a million times. He can pretend happy all he wants but he looks at other people with normal lives and craves normalcy. He wants to be the best of the best and to have the best of the best and it makes him miserable not to have that. He'll never reach the perfection he craves so bad. AND there is no female who can live up to the "perfect woman" he has in his mind.

#9 Feb 20 - 8PM (Reply to #39)

neverlookback

More on happy

They are not suffering as we have from a relationship with them, they suffer in other ways. They did not experience human betrayal because they are unable to bond to others in a healthy way we are, but our bonding to them was unhealthy. When we go back for more abuse that is NOT a healthy relationship. Mine is happy when he gets his orgies and perverted sexual acts from men and women, if thats what makes you happy then have had it. New supply and new piece of ass always in the horizon for him to suck into his perverted life, and if it makes you happy to see how many women you can con and deceive that is a type of happiness I will never be able to relate to. How can anyone be truly happy if they are always on the hunt for something better, different and new and only to find out they will never really find it, besides they only have primal feelings and happy is not one of them, I read where they HATE happy people.

#10 Feb 20 - 10PM (Reply to #40)

Susan32

Yes, they hate happy people

My Narc grandmother has tried many times to sabotage my parents' weekends together. She had a fall on Christmas Eve that led to her being hospitalized... and now it's being speculated that she did it on purpose. "They HATE happy people"-I remember telling a friend "sometimes being happy and wishing happiness on others is the best revenge" (I was hinting about the ex-Psych prof, without mentioning him by name)... and then I found validation here. When I broke NC... guess what I said? That I was HAPPY! If I had said that I was pining, angry or hurt... he would've loved that. So I had to deny him that pleasure because he fancies himself an ascetic of sorts, and ascetics are denied pleasures.

#11 Feb 20 - 5PM

whskywmn5

Getting mad

Sara I havent reached this stage yet in my journey...sure at times I may get a little mad, but that all consuming anger hasnt hit. Im sure that it will eventually, and now I will know that it is perfectly normal and to be expected.

#12 Feb 20 - 5PM (Reply to #35)

sara-smile

whyskywmn

I don't know how in the world you haven't gotten there with all the crap he spews at you all the time. It will come. I promise you!!! Prepare yourself now because it feels great but it's scary. I understand all of those Lifetime movies now where the abused woman beats the hell out of her partner! I'm glad I'm not a violent person. :)

#13 Feb 20 - 3PM

neverlookback

SARASMILE

Watch my video clip under the post I wrote this morning, a gift for you - this is what you have to look forward to, freedom and peace of mind it will make you feel good. Its worth fighting for

#14 Feb 20 - 3PM

neverlookback

Feel that Anger

But you are going to be happy one day, and guess what? HE WONT, he will never achieve the inner peace and contentment of what YOU will one day come soon to realize. THeir happiness is short lived, one new supply after another, and even then they are still looking over the horizon for new supply. I thought mine was happy with me too, well look how long that lasted, same goes with their new supplies or partners, while he was happy with me he was also cheating and betraying me - does that sound like a man that is REALLY HAPPY and content? I would like to almost kill mine also at times, but dont bother they self destruct all by themselves without our help, let him self destruct slowly like they did to us. As you move beyond your rage and anger you will see them as really sick and pathetic. I know your dreams were all taken away from you but remember the promises and dreams they offered us were never going to come true from day ONE, they can never give ANYBODY what they appear to be. I am GLAD he is having sex with someone else, glad its NOT ME he is raping and having sex with my body like it just an object. I deserve better than that, you deserve better than that, ANYBODY, any human deserves better than that. THere are no dreams come true with them, more dreams come true without them and only we can make them happen.

#15 Feb 20 - 3PM (Reply to #30)

sara-smile

neverlookback

You are right. I will be happy one day and he'll still be running around trying to sleep and cheat on and lie to every female he runs into. I try to remember that those dreams that are gone weren't real in the first place. It's like reading a great book and then it's over. I've tried to look at it that way too! I've got to straighten my life out and make myself happy. I've been so wrapped up in Narc Boy for 3 years that I have let so much go. I've got a huge mess to clean up now that the fog is lifting. One more reason to be pissed today! :) Thanks neverlookback! You sound like you are in a good place emotionally. I'm working on getting there. Sara

#16 Feb 20 - 3PM (Reply to #31)

neverlookback

You sound like you are in a good place emotionally

NOT HARDLY!!!! I wish I could take the years off his life he took from me, FOUR F---ing YEARS he took from me, and he is not going to take any more. He left me with many many things to clean up, OMG are you kidding? Emotional sexual damage, for starters, trying to forget the deep sick perversion he exposed me to... some of the things he even SAID still haunt me to this day, let alone what he did. Pull yourself and your mind away from this sick toxic person or he will take you down with him, like mine almost did. THey want you to be just as sick as they are and it takes WORK to rise above it and never never falter or give up in what you believe in for the sick convictions of others that are disturbed, if it feels wrong IT IS WRONG. Sounds like you are going thru some painful detox I am almost through it but at times it still hits me that little creeping thought enters my mind and I say STOP IT, STOP IT would your parents have wanted this for you? OMG my parents would have been heartbroken to know a man did this to me (god rest their souls) I am glad they were not around to see their only daughter suffer at the hands of a psychopath, God spared them that. If you had a daughter, how would you feel if a man did this to her? I have a daughter and I think about that alot. Be angry, heartbroken, but remember contacting him will not end your pain it took me awhile to figure that out. Staying NC will end your pain but its hard for the first month, be patient with yourself and that moment will come to you you will see in your heart just how creepy, sick and F -up they are, your wounds WILL heal and you will be truly happy it is not YOU he is further destroying. Move away from this disordered person and restore the great and wonderful person you still are and always have been. x0x0x0

#17 Feb 20 - 5PM (Reply to #32)

sara-smile

neverlookback

Isn't it crazy that we have to use the terms "detox" and "toxic"!?? Those fit all of this perfect though. I'm like some crack head on the street that wants to be strong and clean! I've thought the same things about my parents and the Narc. If my parents ever knew what he did to me I think they would either kick my ass for being stupid or just beat the hell out of him. They didn't raise me this way. Especially my Mom. My mom is a pillar of strength and she instilled that in me. If she saw how I bowed down to his every request and begged him to be nice she'd have a heart attack. Also, my children deserve better than that piece of crap! They are grown but they will have kids one day and who wants their grandchildren around "TOXIC" idiots? NOT ME! :) I want the time back too but it's gone and that pisses me off! Idiots! Hugs to you!!! Sara

#18 Feb 20 - 2PM

Veronrose

Goodness, I WISH I could be

Goodness, I WISH I could be so angry. I'm still hurt that after being so close to him emotionally, he ditched me like yesterday's trash when he found a new "lady friend" (that's what he calls her). He would still text me at times requesting pictures of me, and when I would say "Where is your GF!!!" He would say "YOU turn me on". I'm in therapy now trying to establish the fact that I am worth soooo much more than that. Don't know why the crumbs he offered were okay with me. Ugh.

#19 Feb 20 - 3PM (Reply to #26)

sara-smile

Veronrose

Yours sounds just like mine! You turn me on MY ASS! They just want to keep us hanging around trying to get any kind of crumbs we can from them. Mine keeps telling me he can't walk away from me because he loves me so much and the sex is so amazing BUT we can't have a relationship because it would never work. MEANING - You figured me out and I have to work to hard to fool you anymore but I'd sure love to have a piece of ass anytime you're ready! Cuss cuss cuss cuss cuss! You will get angry! I promise. It's hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm so thankful he lives an hour away from me today. I think I could run to his house with a baseball bat and smack him with it! YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE. He's a soulless piece of dog crap and he doesn't deserve a minute of your time or thoughts!

#20 Feb 20 - 3PM (Reply to #27)

Veronrose

Sara

You are SOOOOO right!!! I said to my therapist, "WHY is it I even still care??? He wants to swap naked pics with me while he's in a supposed relationship with HER!! He would be doing the same thing to me if I was 'with' him!!! WHY do I need HIM to validate ME!?!?" Mine never said he loved me, but I got all the "Babe, I care about you", "Babe, you are so special", "Babe, you know you're my fave", "I'm horny, are you no fun tonite?", "I hope so much happens between us" and then the "I like you and care about you, but there's just a puzzle piece missing". I wonder if he'll ever find a complete puzzle in any relationship he's in. Sara, your post is inspiring. I WANT to get mad!!! In fact, I think I'm getting mad right now!!!! Thank you Sara!

#21 Feb 20 - 4PM (Reply to #28)

sara-smile

Veronrose

You are so welcome and it makes me feel GREAT and so much better about things when posting something I've been through or I'm feeling helps! Get mad!! It makes you see things so clearly! Instead of crying and being in deep dark depression I'm MAD! I got out earlier and ran my ass off listening to music that makes me feel better. Also, and this part is probably not healthy but I don't care.....My Narc Boy HATES for me to lose weight. It drives him nuts! HAAAAAAAAAAAA! Too bad Narc Boy! I'm gonna look better than ever pretty soon. It's bikini weather soon! Not just for him either. When I was so depressed I let myself go and now I'm looking at myself going YUCK! Get your ass UP! He would do the same thing to you and any other woman he's with. Mine was doing crap like that constantly with other women. They were everywhere and I believed his excuses but my eyes are open now. They CAN NOT be faithful and they are all LIARS! We are better off without them so GET MAD! Get mad and get a new and MUCH improved life! Hugs and love to you!!!!

#22 Feb 20 - 2PM (Reply to #21)

prettypeeved

As I've said elsewhere, the

As I've said elsewhere, the real anger hit when I saw him treating someone ELSE like this, rather than what he did to me. Would it help you to think of him mistreating his new "lady friend"?

#23 Feb 20 - 6PM (Reply to #25)

Susan32

It was immediate in my case

As I said in another thread, I saw the ex-Psych prof physically abandon his girlfriend, who had moved&given up her job to be with him. She made bigger sacrifices than I did (I was a student). She changed careers;she moved to another state. It was how he physically abandoned her, right in front of me (he didn't even bother introducing her)... that ticked me off. He wanted triangulation. He wanted me to fight her for him. No wonder I snidely told him the next day (with the cunning villainess grin),"I KNOW you wanted us to fight it over in the mud wrestling pit over you. I'm not doing that. I will ENJOY denying you that pleasure of having two women fight over you." I'm glad I left the state. I think he got her pregnant not long after... and when she was very pregnant, he married her. A year after the D&D, when I told a friend that the ex-P's parents had moved in with him to raise his twins (Luke and Leia? Apollo and Artemis, the slayers of the Python that had pursued their expectant mother?)... my friend said, "See. He didn't make any sacrifices for her." Even a year later, I was ANGRY. And it was because of how he treated HER!!! I would've probably put him in the stocks in Salem, Massachusetts, because public humiliation was routine punishment among the Puritans. Historically accurate. The ex-P had bullied me cruelly, taunted me, told me to kill myself after my grandfather died.... and yet I was angry for her.

#24 Feb 20 - 3PM (Reply to #24)

sara-smile

Pretty Peeved

I don't know?? Never thought about it except to worry he's going to really hurt her physically. She's very young and going through a bad divorce so she's vulnerable. Right now everything he does and says makes me blow a fuse! LOL I haven't heard from him since he called Friday and I didn't answer the phone. Maybe he'll leave me the hell alone! He DOES NOT want to talk to me today! :)

#25 Feb 20 - 3PM (Reply to #22)

Veronrose

Wow, prettypeeved, that is

Wow, prettypeeved, that is really an admirable and unselfish way to feel!! This is terrible, but right now I'm still at the point of wanting her to be treated like I was so at least I'd know it wasn't something with me personally. God I'm pathetic.

#26 Feb 20 - 3PM (Reply to #23)

prettypeeved

It wasn't intentional, as

It wasn't intentional, as such. I just realised I had felt much angrier seeing someone else subjected to it than myself. I'm not sure it's admirable as such. You could argue that I should have more self-esteem and feel angrier for myself. There's also nothing wrong with not wanting to be alone. It's terrible to believe that they treat the next person much better than you, and I believed that too for a while, and kept asking myself why I had been rejected where the other guy hadn't been. But in the end Narc Boy did the same stuff to him too. And more and more evidence is emerging that he's done it before and will do it again.

#27 Feb 20 - 2PM

gettinbetter

I was wonering when this post

I was wonering when this post was coming. I knew it was coming. That is because everyone seems to make this post at some point. I have actually made it several times in fact just the other nite I did after drinks at happy hour You should be pissed you were robbed by a conman. In my case twice! He stole 5 years of my precious twenties and now one year o my forties. He also stole me from my family the past year as he preoccupied so much of my thoughts there wasn't much room for them. They didn't get the time or care they deserve. Yep I would say I'm pretty pissed of about that. Of course yor pissed he stole from you

#28 Feb 20 - 2PM

prettypeeved

I remember one night I was

I remember one night I was driving back home and I pulled over into a lay-by and turned off the engine. We live out in the country a bit so it was dark and quiet. And I just screamed and shouted and raged at that bastard, I pretended he was right there in the car with me and I verbally tore him a new asshole. It's just as well he wasn't really there or I probably would have punched his lights out for him.

#29 Feb 20 - 4PM (Reply to #18)

sara-smile

Pretty Peeved

I couldn't help but laugh at this because it seems like we are all screaming and cussing and talking to ourselves! LMAO! It helps! It really does. I don't give a crap if I look crazy when I'm running and cussing him! It makes me feel better!! I'm at the point of doing whatever it takes to feel better....crazy or not!

#30 Feb 20 - 2PM

Scoop

Ah the rage stage , my

Ah the rage stage , my goodness i remember it being like nothing i have ever known , hair pulling , clothes ripping RAGE !! and some days there was no relief . Rage dies down after a while but i liken it to the gift that just keeps giving as i still have an hour or two of rage every now and then , its normal for what we have been through and part of PTSD . Embrace it and know you are on the right path for healing .. xx

#31 Feb 20 - 2PM

Happy1

Yes, I remember the rage and

Yes, I remember the rage and anger stage. I had it over New Year's. It's part of the process and it's one of the stages for recovery. It's good to be angry because it keeps you strong. I prefer anger over sadness any day of the week now. You will see though that it gets better. Just hang in there and try to distract yourself with something today. Big Hugs! Happy

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