Two_Pointy_Ears Story

I went through my childhood and teen years with my nose planted firmly in a book and studiously ignored the rest of the world going on around me. I barely dared talk to the rest of my classmates. It is only now, after therapy and a lot of soul-searching, that I realize why I was so self-conscious that I blocked out all of the things a normal teenager would be experiencing. Low self-esteem and a toxic household. The thought never crossed my mind. I was a good student - Valedictorian of my class! :) I thought my life, while there were some problems, was fine and relatively normal. I thought I was fine.

It was only going through therapy, when the therapist said I'd grown up in a 'toxic household' that I really began to see my childhood through a more mature lens. To see things through an outsider's perspective. You see, back when I was around five years old, my mother re-married and I and my little brother got a new stepfather. I trusted him - even called him dad through most of my childhood. But he shattered that childhood innocence and trust. When I was six, he began to sexually abuse me. For awhile no one knew about it. Then, after a few months of it going on, I finally stood up for myself (though at six I felt like I was the worst daughter in the whole world for 'telling') and went to my mom. I was sure she would leave. I knew it would finally stop and, for me, making it stop seemed like the best thing in the whole wide world.

But it didn't happen. My stepfather, all of a sudden, 'found religion' and decided he was a 'changed man'. My mom, being one of the most forgiving people on the entire planet, believed him! She believed him and they went on to couples therapy to try and repair the marriage. I was never given the opportunity of therapy - even after everything I'd been through. I was horrified! I felt like I'd spilled my soul. I had gathered every scrap of courage I had at six to tell my mom that enough was enough! My mom was supposed to save me! To take care of me!

My stepfather hadn't really changed, not truly. The abuses were more hidden now. He'd have me sit on his lap and 'cuddle'. Or make me 'exercise with him' because I was getting 'fat' (I was all of 110 pounds in high school!) or rub his legs and back because he hurt from work. Worst of all -he'd come in to my bedroom at night and lift up my pajamas or turn me over to see me naked. As the years passed and no one came to 'rescue me' I just learned to deal with it. I thought because he never made me come into his bed with him again that it was better. When he came in at night I would pretend to be deeply asleep so that he never knew I knew he was coming in to the bedroom. It was easier to just ignore it- ignore the pain and the frustration and live day-by-day. Eventually my friends all stopped coming over because my stepdad 'creeped them out'. And they never even knew the full extent of what he had done!

And there were other things too. He would get so angry at things. Stupid things - like there being a small speck of dust on the kitchen counter. My brother got the brunt of it. He was careless and didn't clean as well as I made sure I did. He would get glasses and plates chucked at his head. Holes were punched through the wall. One time my stepfather ran after him with murder in his eyes. My brother ran out the front door and down the street screaming. When my stepdad ran after him I was sure I'd never see my brother again. I retreated even further into myself. When fights came up, I ran to the nearest hiding place (usually my room or the bathroom) and locked the door, sobbing hysterically until the fight passed and everything seemed quiet again. I became even more obedient. I tried to never step on toes or offend. My stepdad's will was master. I never knew when he would go off so I did everything in my power to make sure he wouldn't notice me or take offense at me.

All of this set me up for the fateful meeting with my narc. I had finally semi-escaped my stepfather. I had made it to college and decided to live on campus! I was so happy to not have to deal with my stepdad anymore. It felt like the start of a new life!

I met my narc my freshman year, in French Class. He was cute, charismatic, and funny - he could always draw a smile and a laugh from the crowd. When he asked me out, I was giddy with excitement. HE was interested in ME? I could barely believe it! No one had ever been interested in me before!

After the first few dates we were inseparable. I saw none of the red flags. (The fact that he took me to his mom's house and to meet all of his friends on our very first date, then subsequently demanded to know if I liked them because he 'didn't date people who didn't like his friends' should have been a major red flag!!) I had never dated before. The fact that someone was willing to put up with me and all of the things I had been through made me think that he was the best guy in the entire world! My life began to revolve around his. I had no friends of my own- I hung out and befriended his friends. A year later, I had been accepted into the Spain and Costa Rica study abroad program (a semester for each country) I turned it down to attend another college because my Narc wanted me to and he thought I would leave him forever if I left to study abroad. It was always about him. If it wasn't something he wanted to do, we didn't do it. I (who had graduated Valedictorian of my high school class and who had stayed in the top honors program of my university) dropped out of school after three years in order to work a full-time job. He had me pay his rent (we lived separately at the time) while he slacked off in school. The one time I tried to end it, he bawled so horribly that I felt like a big heaping pile of pure guilt. In order to not hurt his feelings, I let it go and stayed with him. Stupid, stupid, stupid! They were crocodile tears-he never meant any of them. I felt like I would be a horrible person if I didn't let him back in and take care of him. I found out later, through therapy, that the experiences with my stepfather had left me extremely co-dependent. I felt like I couldn't survive without someone there 'taking care of me'. And I wanted to be a nice, good girl and take care of the other person. I could never risk offense! My very self rebelled against it. Flashbacks of my stepfather chasing my brother or throwing things flashed before my eyes and I felt a horrible fear spread through the pit of my stomach every time I ever even thought of standing up for myself.

When my narc and I got married a little later, it was me who paid for all the bills while he couldn't hold down a basic retail job because it interfered with his video game time. I found out much later that he complained to all his friends at the time that I was 'really high-maintenance' and that, when he felt like staying home playing World of Warcraft, he would tell his friends that I was not ALLOWING him to go out. That I was the bad guy! I was the most accommodating person in the world! I had never even ONCE told him not to go somewhere. I encouraged him to go hang out with his friends! I tried my very hardest to ignore the bad parts and take care of my new 'family'. The ignoring came far too easily. I had practiced it far too strongly and frequently growing up. Pretty soon I had forgotten there WERE any bad parts. So, I hadn't gotten to study abroad (a dream since I was small) I probably hadn't really deserved to go anyway. Better people than me would be able to handle and appreciate the experience better. I contented myself with taking care of the people around me and trying to build a family. I thought I would be happy with that. Oblivious, I took care of my narc, bowing to everything he asked me and never questioning or going against him.

I had wanted to be a mother since I was fifteen and saw my youngest brother born. I thought, when I got pregnant, that having a child would be a dose of reality for my narc. He would learn to be responsible. We would be a family and happy! I should have known it wasn't the case again! The day I found out I was pregnant (I ended up having a lot of trouble getting pregnant due to Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) and showed him the positive test, he just looked at the test, smiled, and turned back to his video games. I had to go to my best friend's house and cry to her. She was the one I celebrated with, not my husband. He didn't come out of the computer room until late that night: just in time to go to bed.

I worked full time my whole pregnancy, up to the day before I went into labor. My husband? Odd jobs that he never kept. I supported us through it all. When I told him I wanted to stay home with the baby once he was born, he at first agreed. Then he realized the implications of what he said. All of a sudden he was thinking about the best way to get me back to work. He told me I needed to go back a measly two weeks after I had my son. "For insurance reasons". It was so stupid! He wasn't even looking for a job at that point; just staying home and playing video games.

It was me who got up with the baby the full first six months of his life. He never even once volunteered to even keep me company occasionally. He did, finally, get a job. But only after he had his mom move in to our apartment with us, along with a new puppy which she left there with me to take care of. My son was only a week old! I felt so overwhelmed. I tried to take care of the not-house-trained puppy and make sure my baby was ok all by myself. His mom and him (who have a very strange, too-close relationship : /) left every day to go do who-knows-what while I stayed at home. I was so exhausted and sore and overwhelmed. They thought I was being 'emotional' and 'over-dramatic' when I even mentioned that maybe it wasn't a good idea to get a new puppy the same week that a newborn came into the house. But, being the co-dependent that I was, I let it go and tried to move on with life. So life went for another year and a half.

That's when my eyes began to be opened. It started in August 2009. My parents had moved out of state in July of 2008 to build a new house and make a new life. I (and my son, husband, and his mom) moved as well. My stepfather (who my mom was still with) decided, all of a sudden, that he had had enough of married life. He moved out of the apartment and in with his new girlfriend, abandoning the new house him and my mom had been building together, as well as all of his family and children (including my 10 year old brother who lived at home still) in the process. A month after that, my mom was diagnosed with Metastatic Breast Cancer. She had surgery the next month and I moved in with her to help, since no one else in our family lived in the new state.

For the next nine months, I struggled to take care of her, my ten-year old brother, and my son (who my husband said was 'too difficult to take care of' by himself). My husband stayed at home (which was about an hour and a half away) because he didn't want to lose his precious mall retail job. All of a sudden his job was super-important! My mom had surgery the month after she was diagnosed. My stepfather never even called to check on my ten-year-old brother to make sure he was doing ok with everything, let alone me.

I moved in with my mom because she kept getting worse and worse. The cancer had gone from being a small point on her brain to getting bigger and spreading to the bottom of her spine. I was the one who was there for her. Who wiped her when she lost control of her legs and became incontinent. Who made sure she got her food and medicine and gave her sponge baths. I was the one who comforted my little brother and held him when he was afraid or cried or had nightmares. It was only then, when I began to HAVE to make decisions because my mom couldn't that I began to realize I could stand up for people. It was through finding the strength to stand up for my mom and my brother that I began to learn that it was ok to stand up for myself as well.

I began to grow closer to my mom and to mend the rift that had been there ever since she stayed with my stepdad. I learned that she had been sexually abused as a child and that her mom hadn't even believed her. While it didn't make it any less right for her not to do anything about the situation with me and my ex-stepdad, at least I understood where she was coming from now. I felt closer than I had ever been to her. Even through the tears and the worry and the fear, I began to hope that things would be alright. That I could mend the relationship with my mom completely and that I would be stronger than ever before.

When she finally lost her struggle with cancer in May of 2010 I was devastated. I felt so alone. My little brother moved in with me and my husband and son after my mom died. But sometimes, through great tragedy comes great growth and hope. I began to notice more and more the things going on around me. When my husband got upset with me for not wanting to have sex with him only two weeks after my mom died I was upset! When he vented to his friends (who came and incredulously let me know because they couldn't believe it) that I should be 'over it by now' and I should simply be happy because HE was there I began to realize that I was married to a selfish, selfish person. I was upset! It felt weird to feel those emotions because I had always pushed them so far inside that I couldn't feel them. For pretty much all of our marriage I had a vague uneasy sense that 'something was wrong' that I could never quite put my finger on.

My ten-year old brother (understandably) had a lot of abandonment issues after his dad left and his mom passed away so soon after. When he asked if he could sleep in the same room as my husband and I I didn't even hesitate. My husband was upset! He kept saying my brother needed to 'grow up' and that he would be fine sleeping by himself on the couch (which was on an entirely separate floor of the house we were renting). All because he wanted to try and get me to have sex with him! My poor brother was having nightmares almost every night. Then I noticed how he started treating our son. I would come home after going out to take care of mom's funeral arrangements and notice that my son was almost always in his room. It felt vaguely weird but I was very emotional at the time and I chalked it up to overreacting.

I talked to my brother and found out that he would leave Finn for hours at a time in his room, by himself, with the door locked because he was 'being cranky'. My son was only two at the time! My husband began to work more and more, telling me that they were calling him in for shifts. It was only later I found out that it was all a lie. He would go into work at his mall job and hang out with his friends because it was 'too stressful at the house'. He even told a couple of his friends that he 'missed the bachelor life'. He wanted to know why he couldn't have the 'happy little wife' he married back. He thought I must be very disturbed because he couldn't manage to make me happy again. His method of making me happy? Buying little trinkets and things he thought I would like. I felt like he was trying to buy me. That wasn't what I needed! I needed emotional support and for him to be there for me! He never was. My mom had only died a couple weeks before and I was handling all of the arrangements. When even my little brother began to be upset at the way my husband was treating me I realized something needed to change. When he took the chunk of money from my mom's life insurance that should have gone to my brothers and I and spent it behind my back I realized it even more.

It was time

Time to stand up for myself, once and for all. I moved back up to the state I was originally from (where my best friend and almost all of my family now lived) and took my baby and my brother with me. I started going to therapy for everything that had happened in my childhood and for losing my mom. And I told him I wanted a divorce.

There have been some hard losses (my stepfather all of a sudden took and interest in my little brother after he started getting a social security check and decided he wanted him back :( ) and I have run the gamut of emotions - relieved, guilty, happy, and miserable. My ex still doesn't understand why I left and is convinced my friends up here 'stole me away' and 'lied about him so that I left'. I don't think he ever will really understand...

I'm renting a townhouse with my best friend right now and her husband and two little boys. The divorce (which I had originally tried to let him handle) is in process. In addition to being a major narc, my ex also got diagnosed as a pathological liar.

I tried to let him handle the divorce but that was a mistake. A month went by with no paperwork and a lot of threats of him taking my son away or making the paperwork so that if I took a single wrong step, he would get my son. He doesn't even take care of him! He only wants him to show off to his friends that he's a 'dad' and to take control of the situation. It makes me mad! I finally took matters into my own hands and filed in my state. He's still trying to convince me to cancel the paperwork so he can do it down there. But the paperwork is in progress. I still feel a little guilty and scared a lot of the time, but I'm learning to get better. I'm still going to therapy. I want to be a good mom, the best I can be, for my son and to actually find happiness. I'm still worried about him possibly finagling the courts and somehow being able to win custody of my son. And I'm worried about my son having to have visitation with him as he grows up. I'm worried about the ways he's going to try to manipulate me and my son as my son gets older. But it's not enough just to get by and live and survive anymore. I want to be fully functional and I want to be happy! I want my son to have the best childhood I can give him. If it means some tough work and hard choices now, then I choose to make those choices and do that work. It's worth it! :)

I know this is a really long post: a lot of craziness has happened in my life. For anyone who's read this far through it thank you so much for taking the time to read my story :D I was so excited to find this website and to have some people to talk to about all of this craziness! Sometimes I really felt like I was going crazy with all the mind games my ex was playing! So thank you everyone for listening and for any future support! :D