realitycheck's story

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#1 Feb 13 - 9PM
realitycheck
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realitycheck's story

I’m 24 hrs. into discovering your website and learning that I’m NOT crazy from addiction to a controlling, screwed up Narc., with anti-social behavior. First let me tell you that I’m married., but not happily which is how my narc slipped into my life. My husband of 18 years decided one day that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and that I had “hurt” him too much. All of this was out of the blue. He had never said a word to me prior to his announcement. I spent a year shocked, hurt and confused. Then entered my friend. He was someone I had a crush on when I was 13. I had a brief sexual/relationship with him when I was 25, and now here I am at 49. I have figured out that my extreme obsession with him has become a bad , really bad addiction. I’m going to go into detail below with my story in the hope that you can tell what you think he has. It’s all so bizarre…

My Narc showed up on my Facebook account a little over a year ago full of flattery and loving words I melted. We would occasionally send emails until I got a job that would take me out of town, alone for days at a time. I was in my hotel room one night, board and saw him online so we chatted. From that day he crossed lines with slipping in “honey” when he knew I was married. He would say the sweetest things, that I needed to hear. I started obsessing. Two months later I flew to where he lived, coincidentally one mile from my sister’s house. I was so excited to see him I had dreamt of this for months. (I dieted, exercised like crazy, had my hair and nails done, my beauty overhaul). One hour before our planned dinner he called to say it really wasn’t a good day could we make it a two days later when he would be paid for a job and take me out. I thought no money, I had no idea what a loser he is at that point. I was so anxious to just see him, I’d waited so long, and flew so far, so I suggested I bring over a bottle of wine and we can visit. Within ten minutes of being with him he asked if he could kiss me even though he knew I had been married for 18 years. It made me nervous but I said yes. We wound up going to dinner (I paid of course). He held my hand told me how giving and caring he was. How he gives himself completely. He kissed me several times during dinner – awkward, but I thought well this is exciting okay I’ll go with it. Later that evening he grabbed my crouch out of the blue – another bizarre move. I left and before I got home there was a text from him saying how amazing the night was, the best night he’d had in years.

Two days later we made plans to get together again. I couldn’t wait he was sucking me in. When I arrived to pick him up (he didn’t have a car) he got in and looked and smelled like he hadn’t showered since I’d seen him last. I noticed he was acting strange. Then 30 minutes later he blew up and said I was making him feel lousy about himself and ranted about rich people and blah, blah, blah. I started cry. He said well, do you want to come in for a glass of wine – I thought what are you crazy – yes he is! I said no and drove off. I cried for hours. Then, like an idiot I called him. He was so apologetic and soothing and said I’ll make it up to you and make you dinner. Three days later as I was waiting for my flight to go home, I received a text telling me how sorry he was to have pushed me away and how difficult it was that I was leaving, and he loved me. I was so hooked and I don’t know why!

I continued to text and we would call each other almost everyday. I was in a complete daze consumed with thoughts of him. It didn’t make any sense, but I couldn’t help myself. Every time I felt I just couldn’t do it any longer he would beg me to not give up on us. He loved and needed me. Since then I have flown out to see him three times. Been mentally abused each time. He’s displayed zombie like behavior, had strange outbursts when I ask him the simplest things. He’s sexually manipulated me with texts that were so bizarre. He made himself out to be an amazing lover. We had some wonderful times, but sometimes it was too much and he new he was crossing the line. This last time I showed up to see him and couldn’t wait to be with him. On day three, when I couldn’t understand why he hadn’t touched me I tried to ask him why and he freaked out and started chasing me out of his house kicking and swinging. I was so hurt and confused. I was a zombie for days. But, like an idiot I contacted him before I left.

I should also mention that I live a very nice lifestyle; my house is always clean and looks great. I take care of myself, dress well, and have been extremely successful in my career. So what is most perplexing for me is that my friend makes no money, he has no car and doesn’t have his drivers license. He is a complete slob, a drug addict, and sleeps around the clock. He’s a constant on-line game fanatic, he’ll get up in the middle of the night to play games! He admitted that he has not a normal relationship with his father because he so angry for leaving when he was a young boy. His mother passed away two years ago and he hadn’t known until he did a search to find her. He’s told me tall tales filled with rage and violence with great pleasure. ALL of these things repulse me and yet I have been hopelessly in love with him. I have spent hours laying in bed just thinking of him. I’ve cried, I’ve lied to people I care about. I’ve sent him thousands of dollars to help him get back on his feet. I’ve felt like I was loosing my mind, almost had a breakdown. Now he barely sends me texts and occasionally chats with me when he feels like acknowledging that I’m online. I can’t stop myself from contacting him everyday! I am, due to fly to my sisters in three days and of course he thinks I’m coming to see him. In desperation I looked up narcissism and found your website. HELP!

Feb 14 - 11PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

realitycheck

I too am married and too a good man at that. I too also knew my Narc at age 17 then began to date at age 22 for 5 or so years. It was an emotional rollercoaster until he finally lost all interest in me. I met my husband and went on with my life. FB is evil as that is where I found him. We have some very personal issues that have bothered me and I wanted to discuss it with him. I really had no intention of starting anything with him but as began to tell him about what bothered me all these years he comforted me consoled me and told that he had always loved me and so you know what happened.... I fell for all of the lies that we were finally gonna have a life together. Once again he has abandon me again. I mean wont even speak to me. It is as if I dont exist. So very hurtful. What his banishment has caused is a serious addiction. An addiction to having him give me a reprive from emotion exile. Mine is very sucessful gorgeous man. He has never married...hmmm what does that tell you? Anyway all I can tell you read as much as you can on why you are addicted to him and the dynamics of the relationship. Have you looked into Codependency. You have to break this addiction or it will break you. I promise you it will. I am still struggling in rehab but I am determined to get better. The earlier you start trying to break the better of your can be and the sooner you will feel relief and getter. No better time than the present. When you have an addiction like this it is no way to live. You are not living you are existing.
Feb 14 - 10AM
realitycheck
realitycheck's picture

Putting The Pieces Together

Wow, I'm so thankful for this site. I don't know what I'd due for support if I hadn't found it. As I post comments here I keep checking my email to see if he's sent me a Valentines Day message - sick! I of course sent him a card with a really nice little gift. I always send him gifts and not only has he never sent or given me anything (except some weird foreign coins and a St. Michael that he'd carried in his pocket), but he never calls to say thank you - never. I couldn't figure out that blatant rudness. How could someone not acknowledge gifts, a box of Christmas presents for him and his cats, along with some money. I'm and idiot! All the writing is on the wall, but I kept thinking if I just try harder he'll show me the "love" he did in the beginning. My original post is just a small amount of the bizarre behavior he has shown. There's so much more and now it all makes sense. The last time I was there he had moved his bedroom around, he had a little glass heart on his desk, new candles in his candle holder, and a flower vase on his bedroom dresser. When I questioned him about these items he said his old girlfriend moved back to her home state and had arrived right before Christmas with a trailer full of things and had given those to him. Yeah, right! Last night he texted me that he was working today at one location in the day and then another in the evening. I was suspicious so I asked who he going to be working for. His reply was "I said eveing, not evening." I was blown away with that response. Talk about avoiding the truth while trying cover your ass, and how stupid does he think I am. In the past I would have let that go because I didn't want to rock the boat. But not now!
Feb 14 - 9AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Oh Boy

All I can say is re Read what you wrote! It's not good! From minute one this guy was strange! Toxic. You have the answers, take action! NC Hugs Idealk
Feb 14 - 10AM (Reply to #10)
realitycheck
realitycheck's picture

Oh Boy

Thanks for reading my post. I know your right. I also realize I'm obviously in love with the young man I knew when he was 25 and not the loser, freak he is today. I dream about us together when we were 13. It's really obvious, if only I were thinking straight. I've never been in a brainwashing - I need you and I love you - situation like this. And at a time when my husband decided he didn't. I was so vulnerable. Wish me luck.
Feb 14 - 12PM (Reply to #11)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Reality Check

Read my story, I found my Narc after 20 yrs. He never once treated me poorly when i was with him. He was loving and kind just like the past. The D & D came out of the blue. I was blindsided. He said some very evil things. I loved him with all my heart. The damage he caused to me is sick! I have not spoken to him since Sept. He hasn't tried to contact me.Even if he does my silence is my sentence! Say good bye, you deserve better! Idealk
Feb 14 - 6AM
nancyh
nancyh's picture

Realitycheck - (1) Do NOT

Realitycheck - (1) Do NOT see him when you visit your sister (yes I know - easier said than done)! Every single time that you see him, when you know you "shouldn't" or "don't want to" just makes you feel worse about yourself and perpetuates a cycle that you don't feel like you deserve better (whether better is your husband or someone else). (2) If you want to know why you are addicted/compelled to be with this loser - read the book, "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. (recommended by Briseis, also on this forum) - I started it last night and am 1/2 way through it. It is an easy read and has answered so many of my questions of why (my situation is strikingly similar to yours) I am attracted to the Narcissist in my life. Because you are new to this site and maybe new to the realization that this guy is a narcissist, this book will help and provide you a stepping stone to understanding. No, it will not fix or remedy your situation but it will provide you your most powerful tool in resisting the Narcissist - knowledge. I am relatively new to the website but I can say with 100% certainty, the men/women on this forum will provide you with an outpouring of support. Stay strong & stay away from him.

Nan

Feb 14 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
realitycheck
realitycheck's picture

Do Not Go See Him

Nancyh, Thank you so much for your words of support. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my long run-on post. It's been a very, very strange year for me. I couldn't understand why my brain had been taken over by this person. I have never experienced this brainwashing before so I didn't know what had happened until I started researching a couple of weeks ago. That's when I discovered I was really addicted to him. When I told him over the phone, as I was crying, that I was addicted to him and it was not healthy for me. He said, "but honey, isn't that a good thing?" I said NO, it feels lousy and it hurts to miss you to the point of feeling physical aching. What I didn't know until two days ago, is that he is a Narc., and I truly was his pawn! Finding this website has been the most amazing realization for me. Now if I can find the strength to NOT see him. I vacillate every hour between I'm never going to see him again and maybe just one more time. Then I go off on a mental daydream of all the things I'd love to do with him. I'm having such a hard time. To add to the difficulty, I'm still a mother and a wife (we're now discussing divorce). Most of the time I'm sitting at home, next to my husband while I'm going through all of this and I can't let if show. It's been torture. From the time that I was madly in-love with my friend, sitting or sleeping next to my husband, who also doesn't love me anymore, to now when I'm in turmoil. Everywhere where I turn I'm up against a wall. I'm trying to work through each situation one day at a time as separate and individual problems. I'm thinking of starting CBT when I get back from my sister's. Which by the way, the first three days I'm there my sister will be out of town so I'm on my own - yikes! Wish me luck.
Feb 14 - 4AM
Scotchy71
Scotchy71's picture

Oh

You need to run away as fast as you can....this guy is about as unstable as they come. He's dangerous and his thinking is clearly abnormal and strange. His behaviour will get worse and nothing you can do will change the outcome - YOU WILL GET HURT by this man and he will leave you when he's had enough or when you p him off enough, and you will - we all do, just by breathing or looking at them the wrong way. He's a narc and cares for no one but himself..they hate paying for anything, they're parasites and you need to leave this guy alone. You can't fix him and hope he'll come to his senses and treat you better - they don't change or get better. Their behaviour is the way they are and have always been...they're angry at the world and full of rage - not a good or healthy combination and no matter how long you stick around, the situation will NEVER improve with him. What you have to decide now is..."How long am I willing to put my life on hold for someone who is crazy?
Feb 14 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
realitycheck
realitycheck's picture

Run Away

Scotchy71, Thank you for your kind words. Everything you wrote is so true. I know this, but it's still so difficult. I am so new to learning about all of this, that it's still sinking in. I come back to this website and read as much as I can as often as I can. I hope it works!
Feb 14 - 12AM
narcissizednomore
narcissizednomore's picture

Do not go to see him. You

Do not go to see him. You are for sure involved with a N and a loser at that too. Run like hell and thank your lucky stars you found this site. You are addicted to the fake side of him. The real side is an abuser. Simple as that.

narcissizednomore

Feb 14 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
realitycheck
realitycheck's picture

Do not go see him.

I know intellectually that I shouldn't go, but I still can't seem to make the definitive decision not to. I am so thankful I found this site. Especially as I have not been able to talk to anyone about this. Although my sister knows all of the details, she too had no idea about this Narc., disease so wasn't able to help me. Of course she said stop, stop, stop! And, I forbid you to go see him. But really all that did was add another difficult dimension to the equation because I wanted to go see him, but I knew I'd be lying to the one person I'm the closest to. Now, I'm hoping I can say NO!
Feb 14 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
spinning
spinning's picture

Here's a reality check,

I let the disordered person I was involved with put the final nail in the coffin of my 20-plus year marriage to a good man who I totally hurt and disrespected in ways I'd rather not share but did in an attempt to live an honest life. I threw away a very good man with and a whole lot of history for a six year venture into hell with someone who also didn't work in the last two years we were together, did not have his own car either, is 47 years old (I'm now 53 and alone) and who took money, my identity, my spirit, my soul, my faith in myself and so much more from me. He kept taking and taking and taking because I KEPT LETTING HIM. Please realitycheck, think twice about your 'addiction.' These guys know what buttons to push. I also think from the age of a lot of women on this board that some hormonal issues could be involved (not to mention lengthy marriages that have become somewhat stale) so it might not be just 'him,' but rather a combination of things that make you believe you want him. PLEASE THINK TWICE before giving up any more of yourself, your money and risking your marriage (if you are not really done with your marriage). Do not let what happened to me happen to you. You are at a critical phase. If you keep in it, you will just lose more and it will be harder to crawl out of the darkness. That's just my two cents. I have walked in your shoes and I hope it helps a little. The disordered one I was involved with D & D'd me in a horrible way. He vanished and I'm left with thin air and a whole lot of pain and the crap he left behind at my house and a lighter wallet, etc. I'm a little over 3 months NC and I'm telling you that the more distance you have from the disordered one (and yours is REALLY disordered--mine was too), the more you think clearly and get the reality check you so desire. Sincerely (still trying to stop) spinning

spinning

Feb 14 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
realitycheck
realitycheck's picture

Thank you so much! I'm

Thank you so much! I'm having such a hard time and every word that everyone writes helps me to pick myself up off the floor. I hope you have a nice Valentine's Day.