Cognitive dissonance (not for people in their first steps of recovery!!!!)

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January 28, 2011 - 4:06pm (Reply to #10)
becsta777
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Venus...

I agree - relationships are hard work! I think for me especially because I've been in them for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes it feels like a great big tangled ball of string, but I'm slowly getting through the twists and knots and unravelling it all, getting to the heart of it. I have a feeling the final outcome will seem incredibly simple. You know, I imagine a healthy relationship in the future for me would be with someone who compliments my already full and busy lifestyle. Someone who has their own life. A relationship that is built around two people who just like each other's company and are not using each other for something. There's been a lot of codependence discussion with this thread over the last few days and its been extremely enlightening for me. I think low self-esteem and codependence must go hand in hand! It's so nice to know that I'm not alone in my issues, that I don't have some kind of rare, mental/personality disorder. Hey - I used to work in a gentleman's club too! I loved it at first, but a year into it I HATED it. I think I felt particularly bad about the guys who developed feelings for me who I felt I was taking advantage of in the end. I mean, these guys would give me presents and come in to see me and I would take money from them just to talk to me. At first it was kind of cool and I felt really powerful, but after a while I felt really guilty. There were of course a lot of mean guys too, who would come in and think they could say horrible things to you - "your tits aernt big enough" or "I like that brunette over there better" like they were choosing a new dog to purchase. I've always been pretty insecure about my looks, so that affected me quite deeply. Anyway, its all in the past and the future is bright! xo
January 27, 2011 - 4:20pm (Reply to #7)
jen79
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venuslovedpluto

The whole purpose on looking on your shadow is getting aware of it, so you can release it in a healthy way that serves you. If you supress it, it will act out at some time in a unhealthy way that will hurt you and others and maybe brings your whole life in danger. I think this is what happened, when you dismissed your ex in this way. See, a shadow is a trait, that is not bad, but that you were TOLD is bad, so you judge it and you supress it, to stay in the social mask you have chosen for yourself. No you are not a narcissist, but everyone has narcissistic traits. When you decided to be an empathic nice person, you might have supressed narcissistic traits that could have served you well, to think about your needs and what you really really want in man and a relationship. Its an inner guidance. But I guess, you ignored it, and maybe another trait of winning him over no matter what, was stronger, when he then moved in, you had won, and then your narcissistic traits that you supressed, meaning your real needs and wants started to act out. There is nothing wrong with you, we all did this at some point. Its just getting aware of all the parts, so you can chose how to respond to certain situations, so they will not take control over you.
January 27, 2011 - 2:35pm
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hey Jen

I'm reading this with interest; however, I am confused maybe you can explain it better or tell me where I can research more? When I'm reading how you express the Narc having a dichotomy of sorts...for example: He is good and bad... No matter how hard I might try...I can't see good. I cant see good because essentially, any of the good I saw was a fascade, a sham and an illusion. He did not own any of those qualities and sought them out and attempted to live them THROUGH me. So, I am a dichotomy...yes I am good and evil...I loved fiercly but when hurt had enough venom to want to rip his head off and crap down his neck...so yes, I have a shadow of good and evil... But NOT at all seeing how on earth one can "visualize" the "dichotomy" or "shadow" of a narc... Please explain...cause I believe that to engage in such an exercise with a normal non-disordered individual that may have hurt you is one thing...I do something that deeply hurts you and act like a jerk...okay, we're all human; however, these pathologically disordered individuals are a whole notha ballgame. At best, maybe one good quality is he breathes?...and even that at this point is open to argument....
January 27, 2011 - 3:05pm (Reply to #2)
jen79
jen79's picture

Michelle

I would love too, I can see already in your post, what the issue is, but maybe we do this in a private realm, I will post you on the other side a private message if you dont mind? Its up to you, cause this process is very painfull in the beginning, and it brings up alot of aggression and defensivness in the beginning, and I dont want new members to read any of this, cause it trigger them so bad that they could break down. I am not kidding, thats why I suggest, I write to you in private, if you dont mind. See you on the other board.
January 27, 2011 - 3:10pm (Reply to #3)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I will follow up with you there

Is there a particular time that is good...not sure If my brain can absorb right now...but will hunt you down. IN general though, are you more a daytime poster or night time? Hugs!
January 27, 2011 - 3:16pm (Reply to #4)
jen79
jen79's picture

Michelle

more a night time poster, that for you is afternoon I gueess, I see for you its now 3.15 or so for me its now 10.15 pm. I will explain to you in a message.
January 27, 2011 - 5:26pm (Reply to #5)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Jen...

I also posted some more specifics about my confusion on the issue above under a posting called Brieseis...cause she said something that helped me to clarify more where I was confused...I welcome the input...I don't hate so to speak...I believe I am at peace? There is residual, but it's not consuming...