Ally's story

19 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jan 10 - 8PM
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Ally's story

You know the tale… Boy meets girl, boy plays unrelenting mind games with girl, girl winds up on the verge of an emotional breakdown, boy packs up and leaves the state over the Christmas holiday without telling girl. A new take on an old story, no? Below is the longer version for anyone who is kind enough to read and comment.

We worked together for years, but until a major downsizing last year, we’d never been in close contact. After subsequent office restructuring, we began to see each other much more. Proximity led to conversation, and soon, we were spending most of the days at work IMing and chatting and getting to know one another.

When he finally asked me out – over the Christmas holiday last year – I was elated. It was the first time in a long time that I was excited about a guy. I was already taken with him and that first date didn’t disappoint. He came over to my house and we spent eight hours talking over pizza and a bottle of vodka. There seemed to be such a strong connection! I’d never felt anything like it. When he finally kissed me, the sun was coming up. When he left, I was floating on air.

The next few weeks were really good. We kept the relationship quiet at work, but the interaction intensified. We were literally on IM or text from morning until night. When we were together, he treated me like royalty, always opening doors, paying for everything, taking constant pictures of the two of us. Rarely an hour passed when we were not in some sort of contact. I thought he was as taken with me as I was with him, and I couldn’t wait to see how the relationship would develop. I’m really independent, but for the first time, I saw a future with a guy.

A few weeks after the first date I started to sense something wasn’t right. He was still contacting me all the time, but he didn’t seem to actually want to spend time with me in person. It was subtle, but it bothered me. Seeing a red flag waving in front of me, I decided to call him on it. At my insistence, he came to my house and we had another all night conversation. He told me that while he was crazy about me, he had been dating a lot of other women before meeting me and wasn’t sure he was ready to be with one person. Then, in the next breath, he told me that he hoped that didn’t mean WE had to stop seeing each other. I was heartbroken. I told him in no uncertain terms that we could not continue to date. We had already been intimate, I had feelings for him, and I couldn’t continue a non-exclusive relationship. We agreed to just back it off and be friends. I was crushed.

The next few months were a succession of crazy. He continued to pursue me, and (I know, I know) I continued to give in. He would relentlessly ask to get together and act like he couldn’t wait until he could see me again. Then, a couple weeks of togetherness would lead to total retreat. He would run hot and then go so cold that I practically didn’t recognize him. We would spend an evening out together, then cuddle the night away while he talked about all the things we would do together in the days to come. But, the next morning, he would practically push me out the door. I remember one weekend in particular where I woke up to the sound of him saying gently, “Good morning! How did you sleep?” When I turned to respond, I realized he was talking to his DOG. He then got up and went into the shower without a word or look in my direction. I felt like a nothing. That was the theme, actually: one day I felt like I was everything to him, the next day I was nothing.

I tried to adapt to the inconsistencies. I thought he was conflicted and the last thing I wanted to do was try to force a relationship with someone who didn’t want it. I wasn’t going to chase him down. When he retreated, I let him back away and tried to get on with my own life. I tried to accept that he still had some wild oats to sow, and I tried going out with other people as well. Still, he continued to text and IM constantly and every few weeks he was knocking at my door, wanting to know why we hadn’t been spending time together. I was so confused.

The mind games really accelerated in early summer. He would give me the silent treatment without warning or reason. Things would be fine one day, but then he would pout in his office and barely look at or acknowledge me the next. He took me out to dinner and then proceeded tell me about all the other dates he had taken to that restaurant. He made plans with me one afternoon (HE asked ME) and then left me waiting all night without a word. He took a day off of work, IMed to make sure I had noticed he wasn’t there, but then wouldn’t tell me where he was when I asked.

He also grew increasingly controlling. When he would come to my house, I swear he was looking in closets for evidence that another guy had been there. He went through my mail once. If I left the office, even for just a few minutes, he wanted to know where I had gone. He wanted to put GPS tracking on my phone so he would always know where I was. He developed a real habit of texting me on Friday and Saturday nights with some sort of innocent question, just to get a response from me. He wasn’t saying it, but it felt like he thought he was entitled to know where I was and who I was spending my time with but had no intention of reciprocating the information. He never introduced me to his friends. When I suggested that I felt like a big secret that he was keeping from the important people in his life, he laughed and said that ALL his friends knew about me. Really? Because I never met a single one. And, the ones I knew about were all female. I’m a secure woman with a lot of male friends, but this was too much. I felt on the periphery of his life while he seemed to want to be in the very depths of mine.

Things really blew up the week of the 4th of July. It had been tense between us again, and I went to his office to talk to him, hoping we could diffuse some of the tension. We had spent a really nice weekend together just days before, but I was getting the silent treatment again. When I went to find him, he wasn’t there. I soon learned that he had flown out of town for the weekend, leaving his car at the office. In my gut, I knew he had only left the car there so I would wonder where he was. I decided not to take the bait. Predictably, he texted me a couple of days later to tell me he was out of town “visiting a friend.” He only did this to make sure I noticed that he was gone and to trip my insecurity wire by mentioning that he was visiting some girl I didn’t know. When I asked him (over the course of a text conversation spanning several hours) what his plans were for the rest of the weekend, I didn’t hear from him for several days. When he did finally text back, it was the night before we were to go back to work, and he texted to tell me that he was home safe and “just wanted to say hi.” WTF?

The next week, he was in pursuit again. I was finishing my garage and he wanted to offer his help. When can we get together? He misses me! Can he come over this weekend? Again, I was totally baffled. My gut told me that the “friend” he had gone to see the weekend before wasn’t just a friend, but would he really spend an entire day texting me while out vacationing with someone with whom he was romantically involved? Would he leave her and text me the moment he got home? Would he bounce back and forth between us like that? The concept was so foreign to me that I couldn’t even conceive of it. I felt guilty for even suspecting he was capable of that.

The next weekend, he did come over. The entire day was flirtatious and fun, and we had a blast. He was in great spirits and no one is more fun than he is when he’s in a good mood. When we went to bed though, he brought his phone. As he was lying in bed next to me, I noticed he was checking messages – messages from the girl he had gone to see. I felt physically ill. I lay awake in bed all night, trying not to cry and feeling like I was losing my mind.

That was when I decided it needed to end. I needed to get my head on straight. He bombarded me with text messages, emails and IMs asking what was wrong, why I was mad, why I wasn’t logged into IM, why I wasn’t talking to him. I told him to give me some time, to let me think. I tried to be friendly at work but kept it strictly professional. He started to lose it. He went back and forth between giving me the silent treatment (literally walking the other way if he saw me coming) to making heroic efforts to be near me when he had no reason to be. He would wear my favorite sweatshirt several times a week just to get my attention. He would have loud conversations near me that I know I was meant to overhear in attempts to make me jealous. I could feel him watching me all the time. I didn’t know what to make of any of it. On one hand, I felt I was in love with him. On the other, I knew he was going all out just to get under my skin. I sensed he was looking for a reaction from me and tried every day at work to remain pleasant but detached. I cried myself home every night.

I finally went NC back in October. The decision came after a loud conversation one day where I overheard him talking on the phone about his “girlfriend.” He was speaking at such a volume that I knew I was intended to overhear. I was crushed, but also angry. Why was he messing with my emotions like that? After a lot of consideration, I decided I needed to do everything I could to detach. It’s not easy to be NC with someone you sit forty feet from all day long, but I did what I could. I blocked him from my Gmail chat, deleted his texts from my phone (over 1000 of them!), returned his stuff to him, and removed him from all my social networking sites. I stopped responding to texts and IMs. I didn’t send a goodbye letter (although I wrote one) because I didn’t figure it would do any good. What could I say that he hadn’t heard before?

I also started seeing a therapist in October. I’ve been through break-ups before, but never anything that got to me like this. I needed some confirmation from an impartial third party that I wasn’t a crazy person, that he had indeed been playing with me, and that it wasn’t normal or okay. She’s been great. Within a few weeks, he stopped contacting me. Things were tense but manageable in the office. I was starting to feel better, and my therapist assured me that I would eventually get over this trauma and be myself again.

Then, the week before the Christmas holidays, the messages started again. The thing is, they never really SAID anything; they were just prods for a response. They were either totally cryptic or seemingly innocent, “Ally…how long are we going to ignore each other...” followed by “Ally, how are you loving this snow?!” followed later by “Alllllyyyyyyyy…” Still, I didn’t respond. I figured if he had something to say, he could be direct and say it. All the poking at me to get ME to open the conversation was just unfair.

I got one last message before the holiday. I think that it may be the last one, and I have mixed feelings about that. It said, “Santa Barbara is nice…close to LA to…” I moved from LA to where I’m currently living a few years ago and it’s no secret how much I want to be back in CA. I figured the text message was just him needling me about him being on vacation or something – I smelled a trap, so I didn’t respond. Well, I got back to work after the holiday to find that he quit his job over the break and relocated to CA. While I’m sure this will be better for me in the long run, I am totally heartbroken. I’m hurt to have found out this way. Doubly difficult is that he went where he knows I want to be. We talked about SoCal a lot, and he always told me that he didn’t want to live there. The choice of location feels like a slap in the face.

I don’t know what I expected or what I should expect now. Is it possible that he didn’t ever care for me at all? Was I just a game to him? Is it really over, or just on hiatus? I never thought the last time I saw him would be the LAST time. Was he a narcissist? Maybe you can shed some light because I’m still trying to figure it out.

Jan 27 - 10AM
titta22
titta22's picture

It's all about control!!!!

It is all a game to them. They are great manipulators of feelings. They do things to hurt even after you’re not with them. I had begged my exN for a dog. The kids and I wanted a dog but he would always tell me no. When I moved out and went to live with my mom he ended up taking the OW’s dog and then he got the kids a puppy. Now he is living with the OW. Everything they do is for the purpose of getting to you. After I moved out he would not call the kids to see how they are or to say hello to them. He would only get them every other weekend and that’s it. Now that he is living with the OW he is calling the kids during the week and sitting with them at the table for dinner time….something that he would never do with us. He would simply grab his food and sit on the couch to watch tv. They know us so well, they have to know us because that is the only way they can manipulate us. I too got the constant inconsistency of his behavior. One moment they tell you they want to be with you and tell you that they love you……..but it doesn’t last. You think everything is going great. Then the next thing you know he’s not giving you eye contact and then the communication is withheld to almost non existent and the intimacy then is withheld as well. You ask yourself if you could have done something wrong to have him be so distant and cold…...and when you ask them what is going on, they respond by saying nothing is wrong or it’s something they are trying to figure out or they are just going through a phase. But it continues and it leaves you feeling desperate, confused, hurt and guilty because you think you’re the cause of “THE SILENT TREATMENT”. It is all about CONTROL. I honestly can’t say that there was something specific that brought on the SILENT treatment. Things seemed fine and great but for whatever reason the fact of things being good and wonderful scares them and they need start controlling things. It is all about control!!! See I was a stay at home mom for 7 yrs while we were together and I hardly ever went out somewhere that didn’t have to do with the kids or household necessities. I would always tell him how much I loved him and adored him so he knew that I wouldn’t stray and that was never an issue. But the money was or where we lived and if we would somewhere for vacation. I had no say in the money. Of course he would make it seem like I did but my suggestions of saving up for something were never taken serious. He would get a bonus or tax return and the first thing that would come out of his mouth would be “I really want to get this or that, “$800” bike that he never used, the latest flat screen tv, a surround sound system for the tv. Everything was about what he wanted. They have to be in control. They NEED to be in control. Any suggestions that you make will be dismissed because they can’t go along with what you’ve suggested because that would mean that they are doing something that you told them to do. I’m not hateful person nor vindictive but the state they leave you in when they discard you is something that you wouldn’t wish upon your own enemy, and I really hope that there is such a thing as KARMA because they need a taste of their own medicine. I guarantee that if they got a small portion of what they put us through they would call for mercy because they are nothing but COWARDS!!!!!
Jan 27 - 8AM
finallyletgo
finallyletgo's picture

i am sorry ally that you

i am sorry ally that you went throug all this. he sounds like an n to me.. itwas difficult reading your story because he made me feel al the feeling i felt and still feel when n did the same patter with me..its the hardest thing in th eworld to know that you were never loved. myex N and i weere off on for years and hedid the same thing over and over.. the last year nd half i finally let go, i couldnt take it anymore, he dissapeared for 5 months and thenstarted emailing me similar things your texts were. now i realize he just wanted to start the whole thing all over and keep me hooked and to get a reaction..but each time it crushed me...recently the last few monhts he cameback in my life and said all that i have ever wanted to hear and i saw him a few times, but i coudlnt do it..he told me about this woman he was with this whole yr and how he didnt love her, he went back and forth abotu everything, and told me he wanted to put god first and do things right this time, but deep down i knew he was the same person.,.i coudlnt imagine that he kept emailing me in torture and the whole time he was seeing another woman, and now he wants to use me now that its over and saying all i want to hear.they are all words.nothing mroe.but now wants me to be friends till he heals and gets better..i couldnt do it..when i blew up and told him how i felt last weekened ..i mean everything all the feelings he cuased in me, the past push and pull, the insconsistencies,lies, emotional abuse, the selfish emails to keep me hooked while with other woman.. i to,d him im not going to be used etc.i cant trust himn..he was just acting like whatever and then i flipped out that he owulnt pick up the ohone after all thebeautiful bs words he wrote just to keep me hooked...i called and called and than when iw ouldnt just admit im just being drastic and crazy and annoyiung..i told him it was over and he ignoed me and I begged for a response like a fool( you really do go through trauma and change whne someone you thought loved you treats you like nothing) he finally text respned cold response that broke my heart. how can someone leave off like that???i thought..an N inhuman piece of crap..i know its hard but i think him moving and you having no contact is the best thing..he is going to unfortunatly start same thing with other woman and hurt them..i blocked mine on mon and its hard to come to terms with things, but now we are free and its not our problem anymore thank goodness. i am proud of you for being strong and seeing things for wha they are and excited that you dont have o see him anymore. you will get through this.
Jan 15 - 1AM
girlfriday
girlfriday's picture

Hi Ally, I'm sorry about

Hi Ally, I'm sorry about your mindf*^k experience. Sounds like he really got off on it. You are so lucky that he left the job and left town! Mind did that, and had he not, I am not sure I could have gotten off of the hamster wheel. It was hard, but time and distance helped to get him out of my system. It's awesome that you went NC on your own. But his leaving will push your healing forward because they are like a toxic drug, and you must stay away from a drug in order to detox from it. I imagine detoxing completely would be so difficult working 40 feet away from him, but now you have the chance to do so. I'm so grateful that mine moved across the country. Another thing that came to mind while reading your story is how these people do the push/pull, hot/cold, present/disappear thing so much. One of the main characteristics of becoming addicted to something is the unpredictability of it. A bird that pecks for a treat that comes out randomly will peck until its beak is bloody to try to get that treat. But the bird that gets the treat every time it pecks for it is fine. Well, we are like the bird getting the treat randomly. We never know when they will be good or when they will be gone. So we end up hurting ourselves "pecking" for the good until we end up damaged. Congrats on getting off that roller coaster!
Jan 12 - 4PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Jesus, Ally . . .

it's really amazing how, as I started to read your story, I knew with deep pain exactly what was going to happen. I'm a paranormal researcher (I know, weird) and I always have been fascinated by people who claim to have precognition, knowing things that are going to happen. Well, now I know what it's like! Believe me, I totally empathize with this guy's system. My narc would drop off the face of the earth (usually by starting a fight) sometime between Thursday afternoon and Friday afternoon. I wouldn't hear from him until Monday morning, when he'd text "Baby" and wannt to come over for what I called his "Monday morning blow job." The texting was INSANE. At first, I would see him at the coffee place in the morning, and it was cute because we acted like we didn't know each other (he liked to be discreet, now I know why). Then he'd call me on his way to work and say good morning. Then he'd call me from work later in the morning, and he was home at 4 and never went anywhere (I found out later he was going out the back door at night to visit several different women who lived in the neighborhood. After his nightly visits, he'd go home and shower and then come see me. The gall. The ENERGY, for Christ's sake. It wasn't long before he stopped talking on the phone. It was all texting. And yes, he had no problem texting me all day long while out with other women, as I found out late. Last July 4th he said he had to work so I took my daughters to a resort area for the weekend. We came home the evening of the fourth and his car was gone. The next day he told me they hadn't gone anywhere, that he'd let his brother use the car because he hadn't been called into work. I found out from the OW last month that they'd all been out on his boat all weekend and had screwed several times a day. He had the gall to tell me, who lived next door to him, that he had been home. Couldn't even lie and say he had gone to some guy friend's house or something. Had to make it as evil and deceitful as possible, had to make himself look like a martyr who was home alone inside on the Fourth of July.
Jan 12 - 4PM (Reply to #15)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

helldweller

Thanks for sharing more of your story with me. I'm glad I'm not the only one to have experienced the inconsistencies and the deception. It really messes with your self-esteem, ability to trust, and confidence in your own judgment. I think, day by day, I'm starting to feel better. I'm not angry with him, but deeply hurt. He didn't do any of the horrifically abusive things to me that so many others have mentioned here (never told me I was anything but wonderful, never called me a name, never physically hurt me) so sometimes I wonder if he's really an N or just deeply screwed up. The part I'm still trying to resolve was whether he ever cared about me, or if I was just "supply." I sure thought he cared for me, but maybe that's just wishful thinking? Take care of yourself! Ally
Jan 11 - 12PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Narc

Sounds like a narc to me. I had exactly the same strange swings - one day we'd have the best date EVER and felt wonderful, then a quick phone call a few days later...and he just wanted to be rid of me. Baffling. He's probably found some new supply somewhere, and decided to give you one last spiteful kick in the teeth just to see if he could get a reaction. They don't think like normal people.
Jan 11 - 12PM (Reply to #13)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

You're probably right

I suspect that he had another relationship going the entire time. When I cut him off in October, I think it threw off the dynamic - no more back and forth and he was stuck with only one girlfriend - horrors! My guess is that things crashed and burned with the other woman and now he's just running away from both (or all) of us.
Jan 11 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ally

Hello, Yep, you have been narced. Stay here with us. Block this guy do not do not have any more communication with him. Try and avoid him at work as well. Im sorry, Join the ride of your life. Read all you can, ask us anything and begin to heal. Give it time. Ive been NArced by the same guy twice. Be strong, Idealk
Jan 11 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Idealk

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I can't tell you how much it helps to find other women who have been through this. Like many others have mentioned, it's so hard to detach and so hard to accept that maybe he just never cared at all. I loved him so...
Jan 11 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ally

If this is new for you it is important to listen to us. I know how you feel. We all do. My summer was ruined, If I had been here sooner I may have healed faster. Its very hard to believe a person can behave like this. Sometimes my head still goes in and out, good vs bad. But when I feel like this cant be real I read here, find similarities, and know I can not go back to a nut. Its not healthy for me. And yes, I loved him too, I still do in some way. I've learned that love comes in different forms. Look at this as an adventure to finding your soul. He took it ,but just temporally, You will find it again and become in touch with you and who you are. None of this will happen over night. It takes work on your part, all of us will help you. You have taken the first step. Start with NC asap He is like a drug addiction you must detox, quit cold turkey. Every time you make contact you go back to ground zero. If he tries to come back delete, delete delete, Narc's are masters of manipulation If you don't believe me read here and see what happens. They all behave the same. You have located the cancer now it's time to treat it. OXOXOX Idealk
Jan 11 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Going (and staying) NC

Thanks, Idealk. I actually went NC (before I even knew that's what it was) back in October. I haven't cracked once, even though I've been tempted numerous times. He was relentless for awhile, too. I just didn't react. Blocked him from everything. Never responded to a single text. What's setting me off now is the fact that he left over the holiday. Quit his job (where I also work) and left the state without a word. Now, going into the office is just hollow. I know it's crazy, but somehow continuing to see him every day was both comfort AND pain. There was always that tease of a chance that he would have some sort of come-to-Jesus moment. Even though I initiated the NC, I just feel so totally abandoned. Guilty, too. I can hear his voice in my head saying "if you hadn't cut me cold and refused to speak to me, I wouldn't have had to leave. YOU did this to yourself."
Jan 11 - 6PM (Reply to #11)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ally

Hi They love to head f**k with us too. It comes and goes (the pain) Its been since June for me. It just takes time. They really make no sense. All I can say is try to focus on you. Take it one day at a time. Im sureI 'll be on here at some point feeling bad and needing your help. Its just how it goes. Be Strong You can do it. We are the Winners Idealk
Jan 10 - 11PM
FUMB
FUMB's picture

He sounds like a narcissist

He sounds like a narcissist and I see SOOO many similarities between your story to my own experience. We sat on IM for hours (mostly while he worked nights and i was home) to the point he got called in by his boss because his numbers at work were down!!! The geatest most, romantic, fabulous night with him were almost always followed by a break up, and me completely BEWILDERED. I felt like a rag doll. The only thing I see that's missing wtih your N is the anger and rage. Did he have that? Because it seems they all do. Not at first, when they are manipulating you into falling in love with them, but right after they know they HAVE YOU. I'm still in shock at some of the mean things my N said to me. There were MANY times, bf I even realized he was an N, that I wanted to tell him to go to anger management classes. They all SUCK. Spending lots of time on this site truly helps. You are not alone.... Someone recently described what they do to us as emotional rape... I think that is the best description I've heard so far for these scumbags. GOOD LUCK!!!
Jan 11 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

N and anger

In response to your question, the anger part is what has me confused. No, he didn't have any of that. I think he is more passive aggressive. He would say little underhanded things that he knew would get under my skin, but then would claim innocence if I got upset. He would actually say that he never got angry, but he sure knew how to twist the knife when I wasn't expecting it in ways I never dreamed someone would. He told me once he was passive aggressive and hated that about himself. I did some research on passive aggressive behavior when things started to go downhill, and thought it was a pretty good fit. My therapist suggested narcissism as well, which is what brought me to this site. Good luck to you also. I'm going to try to find and read your story later when I have more time.
Jan 27 - 5AM (Reply to #6)
becsta777
becsta777's picture

Ally

Wow, yours sounds a lot like mine. If mine is a narc, and I'm pretty sure he is - then yours is one for sure. I mean, its just not normal to have such a strong connection with someone and then act like that - the hot and cold and the devalue and discard. I've had one or two relationships in my life where I've met someone and had a great connection with them and there was no headf%#king at all. When that connection is 'real' then that person wants to be with you, you want to be together. Narcs fake it, they know how to be your Mr Right. I don't know how they do it, I am still fooled by it, I still cant completely accept that our connection wasn't natural. Mine was also passive aggressive. He actually tried to project it onto me by diagnosing me with it and constantly 'coaching' me about being assertive. I ended up so paranoid I had all these problems because of his 'expert' opinions. Not all narcs have the same characteristics. Some of them seem to be violent, some are drug and alcohol abusers. ALL of them are liars though. ALL of them are seeking a steady supply of adoration to maintain their fluctuating self esteem. Mine needed to be adored like he needed to breathe. He made sure everyone knew he was 'helping' me when I was pregnant and newly single. People praised his name and he revelled in it. Everyone thought he was being a good friend to me but behind closed doors he was charming the pants off me! We seemed to have an amazing connection right from the start. He was like a little lost boy with a charming smile, he seemed giddy and lovesick when he was around me - he literally worshipped at my feet. We'd have amazing days as well, even just going to the supermarket was fun with him. Then the next day he would be cold and cruel, almost like he didnt know me. Reading your story literally transported me back to the time I was with him. Emotionally, I was there again...it was heavy and lonely and cold. I remembered the early days too, the long talks and the synchronicity we shared. That lighter than air feeling. I felt like I had the whole world at my feet when I was with him. I so wish that I had a friend who understood, who I could just meet up with for coffee to talk about my experience...this site pretty much fulfils that wish though, everyone here understands and its a real comfort. Thanks so much for sharing your story, its just a little extra validation for me that I'm not stupid or nuts, that it can happen to the best of us. much love xo
Jan 11 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
Jean
Jean's picture

passive aggressive

If he told you he is passive aggressive, that's a good sign he really is. Mine said he was paranoid - I wish I'd taken it to heart. The N in my life is also passive aggressive, I don't think he knows how to speak directly about an issue or just doesn't care. It's very crazy-making. When I tried to be direct and honest with him he went to a third party. I'm very happy for you - you no longer have to work with him and he's moved to another state. Yay!
Jan 11 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Passive Aggression

Yes, PA is very frustrating. This is because it's so subtle; you're constantly wondering if you're imagining things, if you're making too much of his behavior. He disappoints and then apologizes (seemingly sincerely) but then does the same thing all over again. I'm trying to be happy that he's gone, but I'm not there yet. I don't hate him; I miss him. I know it's probably impossible, but I still wish sometimes that he would wake up and get it. I'm also watching out the window for flying pig - guess I'm an optimist.
Jan 10 - 11PM
FUMB
FUMB's picture

He sounds like a narcissist

He sounds like a narcissist and I see SOOO many similarities between your story to my own experience. We sat on IM for hours (mostly while he worked nights and i was home) to the point he got called in by his boss because his numbers at work were down!!! The geatest most, romantic, fabulous night with him were almost always followed by a break up, and me completely BEWILDERED. I felt like a rag doll. The only thing I see that's missing wtih your N is the anger and rage. Did he have that? Because it seems they all do. Not at first, when they are manipulating you into falling in love with them, but right after they know they HAVE YOU. I'm still in shock at some of the mean things my N said to me. There were MANY times, bf I even realized he was an N, that I wanted to tell him to go to anger management classes. They all SUCK. Spending lots of time on this site truly helps. You are not alone.... Someone recently described what they do to us as emotional rape... I think that is the best description I've heard so far for these scumbags. GOOD LUCK!!!