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"News Flash" Advice

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#1 Dec 29 - 4PM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

"News Flash" Advice

I'm just curious. Nothing is really happening with me at the moment concerning xnh. Supposedly he's out of town until after the New Year, so I don't even have to deal with hearing his voice at work (Thank GOD). However, I'm just wondering what you guys think is the most diplomatic way to deal with unwanted "news flashes" about the narc and/or his relatives.

I live in a very small town, and since the divorce, I frequently get unasked for and unwanted "news flashes" about xnh and his P daughter. The latest unwanted "update" being a co-worker announcing to me that she'd seen xnh and his horrible P daughter at the doctor's office getting her sonogram, and the P daughter is having a girl (like I actually care, or even want to know this).

My initial temptation was to spout out, "I don't really care if she's popping out an armadillo with two heads. Hopefully, it will come out sideways and hurt a lot." This probably would not have been a very diplomatic response to my co-worker. I've sometimes been told that I'm too blunt. lol. What I actually did say was, "I'm REALLY not interested." and then immediately changed the topic.

Another example that I frequently get is, "So how is xnh doing?". My initial temptation is to blurt out, "I don't KNOW. We're divorced. I hope xnh's crotch turns black and bursts into flames while he's screwing OW." I suppose, as satisfying as it might be to say this, it once again, isn't considered very courteous.

So I'm just curious, how do you guys tactfully divert others, whom really don't know that well, from asking about the narc and his relatives? How do you respond to these questions?

I understand that these people usually have no clue how much I REALLY don't want to hear anything about xnh ever again. However, the frequent questions sometimes feel like a constant barrage to me. In this little town, even the cashier at the grocery store might blurt something out. I'm finding the frequent "news flashes" both painful and irritating. Any suggestions?

Dec 29 - 5PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Appeal to people's sympathy.

Appeal to people's sympathy. You'll catch more flies with honey than vinegar. They have no idea this is a NARC divorce, and, without really meaning to be, folks are pretty insensitive, they just want to satisfy THEIR curiosity. It doesn't hurt bother or annoy THEM to hear about exN and his minions. I'd tell people "You know, this whole mess was so painful that I just can't talk about it or hear about it. I'm trying to put it all out of my mind for a while. It's silly but just thinking about him makes me want to puke." Or something like that. Most decent folks will get the hint. Tell them you'd rather talk about the quality of dog poop in your front yard than talk about the exN and his unfortunate genetic relations (humor might appeal more to some folks, and it is also nonthreatening). Most people get the hint without a lot of effort. The ones that don't might need extra work. Decent folks don't want to stress you out and will gladly oblige you. Some folks are defensive and if you know that about them, use humor or make something up. Just shut them up! That's the point, right :) ?
Dec 29 - 5PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Small town living

Hi Mystwoman, I know what you mean. I grew up in a small town as well and they love to talk about other people. I guess there is not much else going on for some of them. They can become very offended if you don't choose your words carefully when shutting them down and there is no need to give them more ammunition by acting too defensive about it, however, saying nothing keeps them going. I would say something like: I'm not with N anymore and it works best for me right now not to hear this. I'm sure you understand. Or what works real well is to change the subject and start asking them something about them. Say, oh I'm sorry to cut you short or interrupt you but: Is that a new hairstyle it looks fantastic. I need a new look, who did you go to? Sometimes I just say: oh could you hold that thought and start talking about my job, dog, child, the weather anything else and most people "get it" and that way you dont' have to say anything about him. Once they realize you are not interested in a gossip vest, most will stop. Having to go over it with random people can be so painful and downright annoying. God bless, Goldie
Dec 29 - 4PM
M
M's picture

A suggested response

"Hmm. Interesting." or just "Hmm." Then change the subject--sports, weather, whatever. When my daughter says something about her father, I simply say, "oh, that's nice." Then I ask her about a topic that focuses on her. If people ask how he is, just say, "I am too busy to concern myself with his matters." or "I don't know." Then change the subject. Consider the "news flashes" as reports on the enemy. File them away as they may be useful later.