prettypeeved's story

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#1 Dec 28 - 4PM
prettypeeved's picture

prettypeeved's story

I suspect this one might be a little bit different than the usual stories, because I am in fact a guy..and my narc is also a guy. So, yeah, we're gay.

I'm not actually 100% sure he is a narc and that's part of why I joined, because it would be nice to see what other peoples thoughts are on this one.

As for the actual story - a quick intro is that I'd been (mostly) happily attached to my partner for 6 years. A friend of mine who is also my gym buddy was letting me down a lot and missing workouts, and basically being a bit of a poor friend, so I was chuffed when I met this really nice new guy online who was also into the gym and seemed interested in working out together. He was also pretty clear on the fact that he was interested in me.

Time went by, we met up a couple of times, and then at a party we were all at I began to realise with horror (and delight) that I was falling in love with him.

I thought I could control it, and I remember discussing the options with him in private, but as soon as I suggested that maybe we should stop seeing each other so much, he said that would make him sad and made it pretty clear he didn't want that.

After an agonising few weeks I finally started to question whether I was with the right guy. I told my narc how I felt and he was initially a bit wary since he said he thought I was "unavailable" but after a chat we began to contemplate a possible relationship.

This was all heart-wrenching for me because, of course, I was already with someone - but I just couldn't stop thinking of this new guy. He was so perfect, so charming, so nice, so wonderful, so special. Seemed so much MORE than my existing partner. Time went by and we went on a few "dates" of sorts, and we had a wonderful time together.

That was when the first mood swings started. After having such a good time together, if I contacted him a few days later he'd be sullen and miserable. Each time I'd ask him what was wrong and get a different, odd-sounding answer. Stuff like how he was tired, or he didn't know when he met me whether I would be interested in a relationship with him, or whether I was trying to save my existing relationship, or that I was imagining things.

Thing was, it was hard enough to consider ending my existing relationship, but when I started talking about doing that and asked if the new guy would start a relationship with me, he showed no enthusiasm. At the same time, if I backed off and assumed he wasn't interested, I would be told that he WAS interested. Pretty quickly it was made clear that if I wanted a relationship with him, I would have to go through all the pain of ending my existing relationship with every risk that he wouldn't be waiting at the end of it. He made it pretty clear that it was my choice and not his problem. He absolutely did not want any responsibility. I got told I couldn't "stop him living his life" while he waited for me to make my mind up.

This had me baffled. I mean did he want to be with me or not? If he did, then why no commitment? If he didn't, then why not let it drop? Did he just want me for sex? "No." Would he have a relationship with me? "Maybe, we'd have to see." Was he not interested in me? "Of course I am. You're lovely."

Around this point I started noticing the strange mind games. He would say something in a very ambiguous way so that I would assume he meant something specific - and then later on he'd claim he didn't mean that at all. Even if it was obvious I'd "misunderstood" something, he wouldn't correct me. It was like it was more fun to let me think something, then suddenly pull the rug out from under me later on.

He'd come out with scenarios involving us going away together, and then when I'd ask weeks later what was happening about the latest plan, I'd be told he hadn't meant it and was just seeing how I was thinking. Each time it would be agony considering doing this to my partner, and at the end it was just some game to the narc.

Bit by bit it was tearing me apart. I didn't want to lose my partner but I couldn't stop thinking about the new guy. He was just so perfect - except for the odd behaviour, which I kept believing I could in some way "fix" or change or that there was something I was doing wrong that I had to stop. All the time the mood swings were getting worse and the mind games more and more frequent. I was believing more and more I had something wrong with me and I was expecting too much or being too needy.

In the end I came within inches of ending my relationship, but we decided to give things one last try. Even so, I was this close to ending it and taking a chance on the whole thing anyway. And then suddenly he went all quiet. He started making suspicious-sounding excuses as to why he couldn't meet up. After six weeks he confessed he'd met someone else - and suddenly I was remembering how friends had said several months ago they'd seen him hanging around with this same guy over and over again.

When I asked him if he'd been seeing this guy at the same time as me, all I could get out of him was "You know me better than that." Refused to accept he'd lied to me for six weeks. Apparently that was "because he didn't know what was happening."

I cried so hard that night, but I felt that at least I had a good friend in him - we'd always said that no matter what, we'd always be friends.

That lasted about five minutes. He acted as if I was some kind of bunny boiler and starting coming out with crap about how his phone was broken so he couldn't use it properly, cut contact steadily with me until he'd just vanished. I let him do all that on the basis that I didn't want to interfere with his relationship, but it hurt like hell. On the rare occasions I tried to contact him I just got told not to stress. It was like I'd been switched off like a light switch. He didn't seem to feel anything much, the most I got was ONE remark that he "missed the good times we'd had." I also got told I wasn't being singled out, he wasn't seeing ANY of his friends much.

Christmas came and went, he didn't contact me to wish me a happy Christmas or anything like that, he just dropped off the radar.

A few months on he suddenly came back. Confessed to me he'd been dumped, our friendship resumed...then he dropped off the radar again for about a month, next thing I heard he was back with this other guy. Very limited contact after that. I always had to initiate contact, he just treated me like he didn't want to be bothered, but was friendly initially - until the next mood swing turned him sullen again. In the end I gave up on him.

Then he came back again, some six months on. This time it was really over, he had ended it. By this time I had been seeing a therapist, had pulled my relationship with my partner out of its nosedive, and everything seemed good. I told my narc exactly how furious I was with how he'd treated me and he just would not budge an inch. It wasn't his fault. He refused to apologise. The most he'd say was that "it wasn't normal" without really making it clear what he meant. I knew from past experience that he would twist this into whatever he wanted it to mean. After a while he told me the lack of contact was because his ex was very insecure and didn't like him having anything to do with other guys. This sounded like so much bullshit, because with me he was assertive to the point of being aggressive and there was no way he would have put up with ME demanding he didn't see his friends any more.

I decided to just go with the flow and enjoy his renewed friendship, even knowing it might go sour again. Once again I thought I could handle it.

Next thing I knew he started getting suggestive again. I made it clear I still had feelings for him - but I was with my partner, and this time nothing would be happening between us. It wasn't long after that he started with the mood swings again. The mind games kicked off again too.

More recently the mood swings got nastier. I got a number of really insulting remarks from him until finally several weeks back he crossed the line by making out online that I was completely inferior to him, which really pissed me off, especially when I realised that in the time I'd known him, he'd treated me like crap over and over and had never, EVER apologised for one single thing. I made it clear how upset I was and got told how I'd have been disappointed if he didn't bite and that he loved me really. I told him how angry I was about that...and after that it was silence.

We haven't had any contact since. Another Christmas rolled by with no greeting, and now he seems to be avoiding me again. Coincidentally now he seems to have his eye on another guy.

Does this sound like narc behaviour? It seems similar to me. Everything always seems to have been under his control, with him never taking responsibility for anything, and he never seems to have shown any respect for my feelings the entire time. Now I'm not really sure what to do. I'm tempted to cut contact with him altogether. He just doesn't seem to give a shit. I was ready to throw away a 6 year relationship to be with him, and that didn't seem to mean anything to him. He reminds me of a cat. One minute you're stroking it and it's purring, the next it's clawing at you and spitting. Then later it wants petting again as if nothing happened.

The person I feel sorriest for is my partner. I feel so bad for what I put him through.

Mar 8 - 1PM
Susan32's picture


Your story is important because it shows that not just women are hurt by Narcs. So are men. My former Narc boss was gay, with an older boyfriend. My former boss was quite a narcissist, with control issues... when he got fired from his previous workplace, he assumed I'd go to work with him elsewhere. He's now a supervisor at another place. No way will I ever work for him again. It was an openly gay professor who warned me about the ex-Psych professor's predatory ways. I still credit this gay professor for saving me from what would've been a disastrous romance/marriage. He was out, proud, and *HONEST.* He saved me. Narcs are Narcs... be they straight or gay.
Jan 2 - 4PM
prettypeeved's picture

I've got a new problem here unfortunately.

My involvement with my narc is pretty much non-existent now apart from one thing - we both use the same gay social networking site (where we first met), and I'm not sure how to handle it. He's still linked to me as a friend. Several times during the course of my story I unlinked him, and both of us have re-linked in the past. The most recent one was him re-requesting the friend link, which I wasn't going to do because as far as I was concerned, he was "on probation" as it were. Being linked with him means I can keep an eye on what he's up to elsewhere on the site, at least to a limited degree, without him being aware of it. Of course it also means he can do the same to me. I have the option of unlinking, which will stop his ugly face appearing on my welcome screen when he's online, and I can still see what he's doing to some degree...but without the link it would mean I'd have to click on his profile if I wanted to check up on him in any detail. On the site in question, this would leave a record on his profile that I had visited it, so he would see it, which would probably be a nice way of him getting some of his supply. A further option is that I can block him in a variety of ways, the highest level meaning that he cannot see my profile, or anything I post on forums, or pretty much anything I do on the site at all. The blocking is "reflected" in that if I stop him from seeing me, I can't see him either. The thing is, if I block him I find myself wondering what mischief he might get up to behind my back. To use an analogy, it would be like turning my back on someone and putting my fingers in my ears. It stops me from having to see them making rude gestures at me, and stops me from having to listen to them insult me. But it also means that I can't see or hear them coming at my back with a knife. I'm not sure what's best to do. Every so often he posts something on a forum and some stuff could be aimed at me...or it could be perfectly innocent. You know what narcs are like, you never know what crazy is going on in their heads! Either way though, it's an opportunity for him to hurt me that I don't like.
Jan 3 - 4PM (Reply to #16)
prettypeeved's picture

I did it.

After much soul-searching I unlinked us and blocked him. I couldn't block him completely without clicking on his profile (which he would see) so I just blocked any forum postings from him. I doubt he'll even notice or care, but it stops me seeing his ugly face on the site. I was surprised how hard it was, I honestly thought I was completely ready but I was shaking when I did it, and I felt so sad afterwards. Closing a door on the good times we had, even if they were an illusion, was so hard and still painful. I know I'll get over it with time though. Hopefully this is an end to that creepy little swine.
Jan 1 - 2PM
Susan32's picture

Narcs are Narcs,regardless of orientation

Your story especially resonated with me. Men are as likely to be victims of Narcs as women are. Your ex-N was a genuine jerk to you. Be glad he's not in your life anymore. His utter lack of responsibility and remorse is appalling. You're going to have go NC on him. His feelings shouldn't matter to you; yours didn't matter to him.
Jan 1 - 11AM
prettypeeved's picture

And the latest...

Shortly before Christmas the narc started sniffing around a friend of mine. It had me in an awkward position because I didn't really want to tell him what had happened between me and the narc, not least because it might come across as sour grapes in light of their budding new relationship. Worse, we were all supposed to be at a big party a few weeks later...until the narc pulled out at the last minute. I've tried to sort of gently warn my friend to be careful (I'm also not 100% sure that it really is the narc, but there's a LOT of evidence to support this) but it's difficult not to reveal too much in the way of detail. Anyway, after chatting with my friend it looks like the narc is already messing him about. Fortunately my friend seems to be already questioning some of the narc's behaviour, so hopefully he can figure it out on his own without me interfering. It's kind of creepy the way narcs jump from victim to victim isn't it?
Jan 2 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
Jean's picture

prettypeeved, it IS creepy

I think it's partly so disturbing b/c it makes you realize that they are narcs indeed with a pattern that you cannot deny, that you were just one more target. Since I work with mine, I have opportunities to observe him, and about two weeks after he discarded me I was walking by another woman's cubicle and there he was perched on her desk. His posture, his facial expressions, everything was the same. . .and she was lapping it up, looking JUST LIKE ME a few weeks earlier. The funny part was he saw me, stood up, scooted over toward the exit & got this really guilty look on his face like he'd been caught with his hands in the cookie jar. He has now caught on to the fact that I have another male work friend and I find him striking up conversations with this guy, who has never spoken to before - last time, right outside my cubicle for about 10 minutes. It's too funny. . . what a weird little creature. BTW, I really liked your purring cat/hissing cat/purring cat analogy.
Jan 2 - 3PM (Reply to #13)
prettypeeved's picture

That's even more creepy!

Because he just put something on a social website we both use mentioning the exact same crap about the little trip away he messed me about with in my story. Urgh, it makes me feel horrible wondering what nasty little tricks he's pulling on other people.
Dec 31 - 1PM
apple's picture

I'm so sorry you went through this...

Thanks for sharing your story!!! You gave me such a huge reminder of all the head games, push/pull, I only want what I can't have merry go round trip these people are. It sounds like you caught on to his game early on and so good you were able to get into therapy straight away!!! Be strong and go NC!!!!!!!!!!!!! He doesn't deserve you!!!!
Dec 29 - 10PM
CougarBabe7's picture

My opinion

I read your story & the comments from the others who read it, and I agree with them all - this guy is definitely a Narc. Good thing you didn't end your 6 year relationship over him; I think that would have been a big mistake. Good that you finally recognized him for who he really is - a Narc who does not have the emotional capacity to even care about you. He probably was in a relationship w/that other guy the whole time he was trying to be with you. Many Narcs have 2 or 3 or more "relationships" going at the same time. He was probably just looking for you to be ONE of the sources of primary supply & his relationship person was his secondary supply. Or at least, that what it sounds like to me. I say follow the advice of the others & everyone else here - NO CONTACT. You're better off.
Dec 29 - 2PM
Jean's picture

two things we have in common

I'd like to comment on your story b/c I also have a partner (11 years) who has been unbelievably supportive despite the fact that I brought up LEAVING HIM even though NOTHING has actually happened with the Narc. Your words, "the person I feel sorriest for is my partner" really hit home b/c that is how I feel, too. I think he is mostly in denial b/c he probably wants to pound the Narc's head into the pavement. And the second part we have in common is how quickly and intensly we fell under the spell. My story is under jdog's tale. I was toyed with, I got unclear messages, I felt REALLY attracted to this guy, especially sexually despite the fact that he is not a particularly attractive or sexual person. I work with him and even now, despite his back-stabbing ways and my complete lack of satisfaction - he manages to charm me and I struggle with no contact (NC). He came on to me (I wasn't looking) then pretended he hadn't. I thought about him A LOT, and really wanted to stop, and tried to stop in all sorts of different ways: told my husband, talked to my friends, tried to find some other (single) girl to set him up with. . .nothing worked and I couldn't break free. So finally I decided to tell him how I felt. Here is a typical piece of crazy-making Narc dialogue (this is also under "jdogs tale" but it is so classic I am repeating here) - the setting is in a restaurant, sitting face-to-face. ME: So, A. I notice we've been flirting a lot over the past few months, and I'm feeling very attracted to you. . .anyway as you can imagine I'd like these feelings to go away. Maybe you could help me out with that by telling me if you could be . . .gay? HIM: I'm sorry to disappoint you. ME: So, uh, are you gay or not? HIM: I'm not gay silence ME: Well, this is awkward. HIM: No, it's not. Do you see how it SEEMS like actual, human conversation but in fact I go NO information out of him (except the part about not being gay??) I just wanted to tell you that it sounds like you've got this guy's number AND have saved your primary relationship. Consider it a victory, although I know you are in a lot of pain right now because I sure was. In fact, I was surprised at how painful the whole thing was as it lasted only 5 months and I never slept with him. I feel better about my marriage as a result of this, because my husband has been understanding and I DO have an honest relationship with him and now, I really appreciate honesty. Evidence yours is a Narc: your extreme (inexplicable?) attraction to him -- you were seduced; his lack of apology or taking any responsibility; his dishonesty; his back-and-forth come close/stay away demeanor; the fact that you on this board. You will find a lot of help here, even though it's 99% women. So sorry you've had to go through this.
Dec 29 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
prettypeeved's picture

I know what you mean

I know what you mean about the information bit in particular. I started to notice that and I remember discussing it with my therapist. I noticed he (Narc) was always good at worming information out of me, but would volunteer so little in return. In two years I still have no idea exactly where he lives or even his birthday. My friends have even suggested the age he's given is a lie because he looks older than he claims to be. My attraction to him is mostly (rather shallowly) to do with his body. He's well-built, a touch bigger than me, and I like it. Unfortunately beyond that, with the rose-tinted spectacles being lifted, I've started to realise he was hit with the ugly stick until he was black and blue. And then the ugly stick got to work on his personality. The point it's started to grind to a halt was when I looked back after the latest up-down-up-down cycle and realised that I'd had this issue with him right from the start, and that nothing has changed in all this time.
Dec 29 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
Jean's picture

LOL - ugly stick

Yeah, when the fog of seduction lifts it is pretty amazing what you see. My Narc is 5 feet tall, chubby, and extremely fashion-challenged. And, sometimes he wears a fanny pack!! yikes...
Dec 29 - 11AM
prettypeeved's picture


At this point we're supposed to be just friends, and I definitely intended to keep it that way. Unfortunately he just keeps "toying" with me. I've already decided I want nothing more to do with him, but it's so hard some days when I think back to how things were when we first met.
Dec 29 - 9AM
agnesmurphy17's picture

Dr. J & Mr. H

This guy sounds like Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. The swinging back & forth is classic with narcissists. Thow yourself into the six year relationship & never look back. A 7 year itch with Dr. J - Mr. H could destroy something with your partner that you would forever regret. If you leave your partner, fine. But don't do it for this moody & unreliable man.
Dec 29 - 4AM
prettypeeved's picture


Thanks people, it's nice to find a place where people understand. I first came across NPD when I had a really nasty nuisance neighbour a good few years ago now. I found his behaviour so bizarre I started looking it up online and found out about narcs. The scarier part was when I began to realise that I'd had so many, many, many problems with my own father because...he was a narc too. I guess it's true what they say about narcs being attracted to those who have narcs for parents. It's scary reading through all that stuff I wrote because at the beginning parts I just KEEP thinking "What did I do wrong? He was normal, wasn't he? If I'd just done this or that or the other would it have been different?" It's really hard to stop thinking like that, and stop blaming myself. I keep looking back and thinking "Did it really happen that way?" I remember him telling me "other guys don't trust me" and when I mentioned this to him more recently, he just denied it. It's just so screwed up.
Dec 28 - 9PM
justicejones's picture

This guy sounds TOXIC!

Honestly, stay away from him! You shouldn't be so tortured by someone; that isn't healthy. You say he is perfect except his odd behavior? Well, the odd behavior is WHO HE IS! You must realize that this is Red Flags at its best. Get off this track before the Narc train runs you over completely. It hurts now, but it would hurt so, so, so much more if you were heavily involved with this creep for a longer period of time, making a commitment to him that he can't or should i say WON'T return in the degree that you would deserve. Love yourself more and try to hold yourself in a higher esteem. I am glad you are here.
Dec 28 - 9PM
Hunter's picture


Hi Pretty, Welcome, gay or straight, not only is he a Narc he is an ass*&le. Stay away from this creep. Start No Contact ASAP,Hang with us. Read all you can. I can tell you I've been 5 months away from my icky Narc, Im better but every now and then It all comes back. Its hard at first but you can do it. We will get you through. You Must listen to us. No Contact, If you hear from him, Delete, delete delete. OXOXO Idealk