I suspect this one might be a little bit different than the usual stories, because I am in fact a guy..and my narc is also a guy. So, yeah, we're gay.
I'm not actually 100% sure he is a narc and that's part of why I joined, because it would be nice to see what other peoples thoughts are on this one.
As for the actual story - a quick intro is that I'd been (mostly) happily attached to my partner for 6 years. A friend of mine who is also my gym buddy was letting me down a lot and missing workouts, and basically being a bit of a poor friend, so I was chuffed when I met this really nice new guy online who was also into the gym and seemed interested in working out together. He was also pretty clear on the fact that he was interested in me.
Time went by, we met up a couple of times, and then at a party we were all at I began to realise with horror (and delight) that I was falling in love with him.
I thought I could control it, and I remember discussing the options with him in private, but as soon as I suggested that maybe we should stop seeing each other so much, he said that would make him sad and made it pretty clear he didn't want that.
After an agonising few weeks I finally started to question whether I was with the right guy. I told my narc how I felt and he was initially a bit wary since he said he thought I was "unavailable" but after a chat we began to contemplate a possible relationship.
This was all heart-wrenching for me because, of course, I was already with someone - but I just couldn't stop thinking of this new guy. He was so perfect, so charming, so nice, so wonderful, so special. Seemed so much MORE than my existing partner. Time went by and we went on a few "dates" of sorts, and we had a wonderful time together.
That was when the first mood swings started. After having such a good time together, if I contacted him a few days later he'd be sullen and miserable. Each time I'd ask him what was wrong and get a different, odd-sounding answer. Stuff like how he was tired, or he didn't know when he met me whether I would be interested in a relationship with him, or whether I was trying to save my existing relationship, or that I was imagining things.
Thing was, it was hard enough to consider ending my existing relationship, but when I started talking about doing that and asked if the new guy would start a relationship with me, he showed no enthusiasm. At the same time, if I backed off and assumed he wasn't interested, I would be told that he WAS interested. Pretty quickly it was made clear that if I wanted a relationship with him, I would have to go through all the pain of ending my existing relationship with every risk that he wouldn't be waiting at the end of it. He made it pretty clear that it was my choice and not his problem. He absolutely did not want any responsibility. I got told I couldn't "stop him living his life" while he waited for me to make my mind up.
This had me baffled. I mean did he want to be with me or not? If he did, then why no commitment? If he didn't, then why not let it drop? Did he just want me for sex? "No." Would he have a relationship with me? "Maybe, we'd have to see." Was he not interested in me? "Of course I am. You're lovely."
Around this point I started noticing the strange mind games. He would say something in a very ambiguous way so that I would assume he meant something specific - and then later on he'd claim he didn't mean that at all. Even if it was obvious I'd "misunderstood" something, he wouldn't correct me. It was like it was more fun to let me think something, then suddenly pull the rug out from under me later on.
He'd come out with scenarios involving us going away together, and then when I'd ask weeks later what was happening about the latest plan, I'd be told he hadn't meant it and was just seeing how I was thinking. Each time it would be agony considering doing this to my partner, and at the end it was just some game to the narc.
Bit by bit it was tearing me apart. I didn't want to lose my partner but I couldn't stop thinking about the new guy. He was just so perfect - except for the odd behaviour, which I kept believing I could in some way "fix" or change or that there was something I was doing wrong that I had to stop. All the time the mood swings were getting worse and the mind games more and more frequent. I was believing more and more I had something wrong with me and I was expecting too much or being too needy.
In the end I came within inches of ending my relationship, but we decided to give things one last try. Even so, I was this close to ending it and taking a chance on the whole thing anyway. And then suddenly he went all quiet. He started making suspicious-sounding excuses as to why he couldn't meet up. After six weeks he confessed he'd met someone else - and suddenly I was remembering how friends had said several months ago they'd seen him hanging around with this same guy over and over again.
When I asked him if he'd been seeing this guy at the same time as me, all I could get out of him was "You know me better than that." Refused to accept he'd lied to me for six weeks. Apparently that was "because he didn't know what was happening."
I cried so hard that night, but I felt that at least I had a good friend in him - we'd always said that no matter what, we'd always be friends.
That lasted about five minutes. He acted as if I was some kind of bunny boiler and starting coming out with crap about how his phone was broken so he couldn't use it properly, cut contact steadily with me until he'd just vanished. I let him do all that on the basis that I didn't want to interfere with his relationship, but it hurt like hell. On the rare occasions I tried to contact him I just got told not to stress. It was like I'd been switched off like a light switch. He didn't seem to feel anything much, the most I got was ONE remark that he "missed the good times we'd had." I also got told I wasn't being singled out, he wasn't seeing ANY of his friends much.
Christmas came and went, he didn't contact me to wish me a happy Christmas or anything like that, he just dropped off the radar.
A few months on he suddenly came back. Confessed to me he'd been dumped, our friendship resumed...then he dropped off the radar again for about a month, next thing I heard he was back with this other guy. Very limited contact after that. I always had to initiate contact, he just treated me like he didn't want to be bothered, but was friendly initially - until the next mood swing turned him sullen again. In the end I gave up on him.
Then he came back again, some six months on. This time it was really over, he had ended it. By this time I had been seeing a therapist, had pulled my relationship with my partner out of its nosedive, and everything seemed good. I told my narc exactly how furious I was with how he'd treated me and he just would not budge an inch. It wasn't his fault. He refused to apologise. The most he'd say was that "it wasn't normal" without really making it clear what he meant. I knew from past experience that he would twist this into whatever he wanted it to mean. After a while he told me the lack of contact was because his ex was very insecure and didn't like him having anything to do with other guys. This sounded like so much bullshit, because with me he was assertive to the point of being aggressive and there was no way he would have put up with ME demanding he didn't see his friends any more.
I decided to just go with the flow and enjoy his renewed friendship, even knowing it might go sour again. Once again I thought I could handle it.
Next thing I knew he started getting suggestive again. I made it clear I still had feelings for him - but I was with my partner, and this time nothing would be happening between us. It wasn't long after that he started with the mood swings again. The mind games kicked off again too.
More recently the mood swings got nastier. I got a number of really insulting remarks from him until finally several weeks back he crossed the line by making out online that I was completely inferior to him, which really pissed me off, especially when I realised that in the time I'd known him, he'd treated me like crap over and over and had never, EVER apologised for one single thing. I made it clear how upset I was and got told how I'd have been disappointed if he didn't bite and that he loved me really. I told him how angry I was about that...and after that it was silence.
We haven't had any contact since. Another Christmas rolled by with no greeting, and now he seems to be avoiding me again. Coincidentally now he seems to have his eye on another guy.
Does this sound like narc behaviour? It seems similar to me. Everything always seems to have been under his control, with him never taking responsibility for anything, and he never seems to have shown any respect for my feelings the entire time. Now I'm not really sure what to do. I'm tempted to cut contact with him altogether. He just doesn't seem to give a shit. I was ready to throw away a 6 year relationship to be with him, and that didn't seem to mean anything to him. He reminds me of a cat. One minute you're stroking it and it's purring, the next it's clawing at you and spitting. Then later it wants petting again as if nothing happened.
The person I feel sorriest for is my partner. I feel so bad for what I put him through.