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I know I should be happy...but am hurt that ex-N never contacted me again
I know I should be happy...but am hurt that ex-N never contacted me again
80 posts / 0 new
Dec 14 - 9PM
(Reply to #52)
I hear you. We don't get closure. For me that's the hardest part. Thanks as always for listening and sharing, Leah
Dec 14 - 5PM
(Reply to #49)
This teacher of yours sounds quite strange. I didn't probably read your whole story or whatever, but it sounds like you two were dating or you had a crush on him and it didn't get very far. He is supposed to be nurturing young minds and educating people. He sounds very strange indeed. I am glad you did not end up with him!
Dec 14 - 5PM
(Reply to #51)
Bumped my story
It's now at the top (or near it) at Share Your Story.
Dec 14 - 5PM
(Reply to #50)
In a rare moment of empathy...
The ex-P said "You don't want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life." That was HIS response to me openly dating. He was complaining to his students- on class time- I learned this thru friends- about me dating. He was the one who had claimed I was a lesbian, that he was the only man who found me attractive, the only man who'd put up with me... then he'd see me with guys. "It sounds like you two were dating"-Nope. It didn't even get THAT far. I didn't feel safe around him. I dated a grad student and we'd sit on his couch watching movies... I never felt THAT comfortable with the ex-P. However, my classmates assumed the ex-P and I were dating, having sex. He didn't mind that he gave off that impression. "It didn't get very far"-I did have a crush on him, and I did have genuine feelings for him. But I NEVER felt comfortable enough to get physical with him. His coldness and his tendency towards rages kinda scared me away from hand-holding, making out, etc. What was bizarre was when I met the long-distance girlfriend at a concert. She looked similar to me, but was more tomboyish. She and the ex-P didn't hold hands, didn't act affectionate with each other. I was expecting him to FLAUNT his newfound love. For me, closure would've been slipping Spanish fly in their tea and letting Nature take its course. "I am glad you did not end up with him"-Hell YES! He'd compare himself and I to Leo and Sofia Tolstoy, whose marriage was dysfunctional due to Leo's NPD. When Sofia was recovering from the birth of her first child, Leo flew into a murderous rage and said he wanted to wipe her off the earth because he couldn't stand her suffering. Leo also avoided the nursery, because he considered babies disgusting. The ex-P felt the same way. I'll have to bump my story :0
Dec 14 - 11AM
You dont know it yet what blessing in disguise that is. What would have happened if he contacted you? He would have told you sweet talk BS, and nothing would have changed and he would have discarded and devalued you this time even worse...and then again and then again and then again. He didnt contact you, cause you must have caused him a major narcissistic injury. I guess the contact of this friend. When they know you are onto them, they are done with you. And thats a good thing, anything else would have been secondary supply. Being his booty call when he is bored, a shoulder to lean on when another supply has hurt him. Oh yes that would have been great. Not.
Dec 14 - 8PM
(Reply to #45)
for the reminder that being supply isn't any way to be in relationship to someone. I need to remember that he'll never change and he would always use me. I need to get that into my thick skull. Thanks for being patient with me, Leah
Dec 14 - 12PM
(Reply to #40)
I would've done the "la la la, I'm not listening"
I've sometimes felt the same way when it comes to the Fat Old Grandpa, the ex-Psych professor otherwise known as "Mr. War and War and War." I haven't heard from him in a decade... and after coming here, I'm THANKFUL. What's weird is I've broken NC... and I guess I must be dealing Narc injuries of the ICU kind. Not a minor Narc injury that gets a band-aid or makes a bruise, but a major sort that lands you in the ER with a feeding tube and a bed pan. In a sense, I think the ex-P KNOWS that if he contacts me, I simply will tune him out. I'll say nothing, or at most "LOL" (knowing how much he despised mockery, it was the only sort of attention he fled) He liked being praised, he liked it when I was smitten with him, he liked being hated and causing anger... but ridicule was UNBEARABLE. He had the same attitude towards ridicule as an average person has towards waterboarding. There are times I've wished the ex-P would contact me, be happy about my accomplishments... but I was the one who compared him to my baby nephew, KNOWING how much he hates babies(???) I guess I'm to Narc injuries what Bruce Lee was to the martial arts. Yikes....
Dec 14 - 1PM
(Reply to #41)
when did you broke NC?
Dec 14 - 1PM
(Reply to #42)
And I was the one laughing all the way to the post office. It was more of a prank, coming to think of it. Summary of letter "ME ME ME ME ME/ I'm happy/ Went to Boston/ My baby nephew is just like you screaming, self-centered, and immature/ Have a wonderful happy life." So I dished out some word salad.
Dec 14 - 1PM
(Reply to #43)
hahaha, war and war and war fat old granny sure thought you are his poltergeist haunting him lOOOL:
Dec 14 - 2PM
(Reply to #44)
Poltergeists have a sense of humor ;)
Something he FAILED to take from me! I've watched too many episodes of "Ghost Hunters",with the pair of rednecks and their Roto Rooter investigating various haunts. Poltergeists DO THINGS. They shy away from EVPs. They usually don't bother talking or materializing in human forms. This is NS, according to him- 1)My weakness 2)My pain 3)My admiration 4)My being in love with him So I do NOT send ANY of the above. He'd run away from ridicule. Literally. Even when he was NOT being made fun of. If I did the "you hurt my feelings, I'm heartbroken, I'm angry"--oh, I'm sure as hell be hearing from him! What's ironic is that he was being called a "fat old grandpa" 14 years ago... when he was 32, and not that plump. Ugh. Talk about "aging with grace." NOT.
Dec 14 - 10AM
Leah don't feel bad sweets.
Leah don't feel bad sweets. It really is a blessing. These guys are so wacked out! I had a previous relationship with mine and I had even been pregnant. He comes back all these years later professes his love and then dumps me without a word. No goodbye. Nothing. Just stopped responding to me. So painful. Atleast you got a breakup call and it didn't span years. You will recover quickly you'll see for the longer you are in it the more damage they do to us
Dec 14 - 9PM
(Reply to #38)
Sick of it
I am really lucky. If I had moved out there and lived with him sooner, I would have put myself in a really dangerous and traumatizing situation. Sick of it, I'm sad that you had to deal with him twice, and for a long time. You have a lot of courage. I need to cultivate some courage within myself right now. When I feel like I don't have courage, I just need to think of all you, and for a moment, I feel a little more sane. Thanks for being so supportive, Leah
Dec 14 - 8AM
Im sorry for your pain. Mine hasn't contacted me in 5 months. Yes it is hard to believe. Keep moving forward. This whole experience just sucks. I had too much coffe last night and all I could think about was my N. :( it doesn't hurt as much but the silence and odd behavior (D&D) I will never understand. Bresis is right, to hell with his friend. She will soon be receiving a D & D as well. Be glad we feel. Pity his soul. Look forward to new beginings.
Dec 14 - 9PM
(Reply to #36)
I'm sad you didn't get much sleep last night. Yeah, the silence is really loud for me. It's like actually has a sound...do you know what I mean? Like a deep echo. When I think about that silence, and all of the rage, darkness and mental illness that went into creating that silence, I get a stomachache. An all-day stomachache. : / In therapy, my therapist reminds me that it's good to feel, just like you said. I do have a lot of new beginnings to look forward to, and I need to trust that I was never meant to share them with him. I hope you're feeling better today. I've been so swamped between juggling work and trying to sell all of my belongings in preparation for the move, that I haven't gotten around to giving Betty my e-mail. I think this weekend I'll finally be able to do it; I should have a breather. I hope you sleep tonight, caffeine free, and narc-thoughts free. Lots of hugs, Leah
Dec 14 - 10AM
(Reply to #34)
Did he just go silent on you one day and you never spoke to him again
Dec 15 - 4PM
(Reply to #35)
Sick of it
Hi There, You and I have the same icky Narc I'm afarid. Since Ive known him from the past but didn't know what he was, I realized he needs to go away. I elaborated more of my story in another thread . you asked me a few more questions. I'm at the angry point and want revenge. I know it wiill back fire, I stay silent. Now I get to pop pills, see a shrink, and lie to my husband. Why he didn't leave me alone I have no clue. He is a evil man, I truly beleive he was well aware of his actions. Here I am along with all of you,My new friends. Something good from something bad. Lemons to lemonade! I live a good life he only wishes to have what I do.
Dec 14 - 8AM
HE DID YOU A FAVOR
and only time will help you see that more clearly. My counselor would always say, I wish for your sake he would dump you and I sat there crying and said, what a horrible thing to say. My counselor could not stress enough how disturbed and dangerous this man was and to LET GO of this illusion this man put in your head. Dont feel rejected, always remember who discarded you and what he was, he was not normal Leah, nobody normal does this to people only very disturbed pathological disordered individuals inflict this kind of pain and destruction. This is the REAL him the one who left you like this, not the one you envision in your mind. Wish I could speed up our healing and the day we see the light that totally frees our minds from all our doubts and thoughts of them. Until then we have to ride it out and one day it will be sooo much clearer all your confusion will be gone and you will not care what this low life is doing or who he is with you wont give a rats ass what anyone thinks of you that he is connected with.. You are healthy he is NOT
Dec 14 - 9PM
(Reply to #32)
It's true that other than my BPD mom, I've never met anyone else who could be so unconscious, inconsistent, unaware, callous and cruel. Personality disordered people really have no idea what they leave in their wake. It must be peaceful inside their minds. Ignorance is bliss. They erase people and memories the way we delete unwanted characters in our e-mails. Yeah, I forget sometimes that the man who D&D'd me was the real guy; the other guy never really existed, did he? It makes me sick to my stomach. I look forward to the days that you describe, when I won't care. I hope you've had a good day today. Hugs of thanks, Leah
Dec 14 - 7AM
The friend who helps women....
This jumped right out at me. I am working with someone who touts herself as one of these spiritual healers, and she is supposedly all for women empowering themselves and the like. Come to find out, I think it only applies if they are paying for one of her seminars or phone conferences. She writes the rudest emails to me with all sorts of sarcastic quips and comments in them. I agree with why not start with the people in your life already if you are all for women....phonies! I understand what you are saying, Leah. Even though it's over, you still want to hear something so that maybe it won't feel like the whole thing was a lie? I think this is what you mean. As I prepare soon to say to this one that it makes no sense for me to be around his life any longer or to have a work tie, I get the feeling he will just say "Okay. Sorry to hear that, but you gotta do what you gotta do." Or he might say something really cruel, too. You will be okay, and hopefully you will meet new people and get caught up in the excitement of a new place. I hope you have a nice day today!
Dec 14 - 9PM
(Reply to #30)
StillHurting, re: women who claim to support other women
Thanks for sharing about that. The friend of ex-N clearly only practiced her global healing mission for women...with women other than me. A bit strange. Yeah, I guess it feels like the relationship never happened, if he has no need to acknowledge it or its destruction. I still can't believe that he didn't make a different choice about how to say goodbye to me. He never thanked me for how I contributed to his life. He never thanked me for supporting him long-distance through tough times. I could never walk away from someone without acknowledging how they contributed to my life. Yes, a new life awaits me in California. And I will do my very best to forget that he lives there. Thanks so much for being so supportive, Leah
Dec 14 - 6AM
i have a suggestion, when you get settled out in the Bay area, it may not hurt to look up a good therapist trained in dealing with NPD and get some sound advice for yourself from a trained professional, my hunch is you have some self esteem problems working here, I know I do, I have always had issues with low self esteem,people with healthy self esteem and healthy boundaries would never let themselves put up with as much bad and horrible behavior as these men have dumped upon us.Also to work on shedding the delusional thinking, that we can make it better, how could they do this to us? We have maybe too much naivity within us. I grew up with the belief that people were inherently good and never did see much evil first hand, I was always trusting, gullible and accepted people for who they are. this lesson, for me 15 years, at least you did not spend that amount of time with him, taught me more than anything previously, that we cannot always make things better, that there are evil and horrible people in the world who want to destroy others, and my eyes are now wide open and more discerning than before, maybe it is sad that way but it is what it is, I am not crazy about that expression but it is true.As for the friend, she is really not your friend obviously anymore, and as i get older and you will probably realize as well, people come and go in our lives and people will betray us as well, it is a hard nose fact to accept but i believe when you come to terms with it, you are better able to cope in the world and that does not mean having to become a hardass, but just more aware....We can only look at them for so long, then it becomes time to turn the MIRROR on US.........
Dec 14 - 10PM
(Reply to #28)
Onwithmylife, I have HUGE self-esteem issues...
I think I wear them on my sleeve. Soon I'll be turning 38, and every day I wrestle with finding a way to like and love and accept and honor myself. I agree-people with healthy self-esteem wouldn't stay in relationship with a narc for very long. I'm with a therapist right now, but before a few weeks ago, there was a gap of over a year and a half that I wasn't in therapy, because I couldn't afford it. It's too bad that my last therapist didn't tell me what I know now; that the city has always had a sliding scale therapy Institute's, and I could've saved myself thousands of dollars in the past 10 years. Don't worry, I've already started researching sliding scale therapy centers in the Bay Area. I don't want to have any gap between my sessions here and out there. I'm way too screwed up right now to go more than a week without therapy. I grew up with the BPD mom, and it was this past relationship with ex-N that woke me up to the reality of how much damage might BPD mom had done to me when I was a little girl. I always knew she had been horribly abusive... but I didn't realize how much damage had been done to my core self. Now I get it. If it weren't for the narc, I wouldn't have figured that out. I have been essentially been dating various versions of my mother, dressed up in male form, since I was 18. Pretty icky. Re: ex-N's friend, yes, she clearly couldn't be a friend. And I do need to focus on myself and the healing work I need to do on the stuff within me that has been damaged since childhood. I don't ever want to go through this kind of experience ever again, with a romantic partner, a business associate or friend... I've been surrounded by narcs for years, and from now on I'll be much more aware and vigilant. Thanks so much for listening and sharing. Hugs of thanks, Leah
Dec 14 - 5AM
I truly feel your pain and confusion....we hate them and want them all at the same time. What keeps me away is remembering what he did to me and knowing that is the real him, not the airy fairy crap he showed me in the beginning - anyone can do that, but only a heartless bottom feeding, scum sucking, emotionally infantile human (and I use that word loosely) could do these things and then walk away feeling nothing. They have no respect for themselves, so how can they have respect for anyone else????? You did nothing wrong, you are only the beautiful human that you are and he recognised that and fed off you to feed HIM. Nothing will ever fill their void because they are the only ones who can do that - they are too stupid to realise it is ONLY THEY who can help themselves, therefore the cycle continues, it didn't start with you and he'll never change, he can't. But rest assured, you will heal and move on, he will not - he'll be stuck, always hating himself and anyone (ie everyone) who is better than him - including you. He is angry you are always going to be better than him and he can't face it. Be strong sweetheart as you are, it's a process and hurts like a b*tch but we come out the other side and your life is just beginning I PROMISE XXX hugs and love always xxx
Dec 14 - 10PM
(Reply to #24)
this is what I need to work on. 'Heartless bottom feeding, scum sucking, emotionally infantile human' I know I have a lot of healing work to do because those words ring true to me, yet I still have moments of doubt and beating myself up. I need to really work on my self-esteem, which I mentioned in another post in this thread. I really have to start from scratch. If I had a healthy dose of self-esteem, I would've left him in the beginning. I would've never hung around. Thanks for the reminder to be strong and to keep moving forward. While I'm really sad, I do get a sense that I'm starting my life over and it'll be much better than it ever could have been with him in it. I'll work on keeping the faith. I'll try. Thanks so much for your words. Hugs of thanks, Leah
Dec 15 - 5AM
(Reply to #25)
There was and is nothing wrong with your self esteem.....he was drawn to you because OF your self esteem and he wanted it. When I met mine, I was full of self esteem and liked who I was and he loved that - a strong, confident woman who he could drain and make his. No one on this board left straight away because as humans, we tend to believe the good in what we see and really, who could imagine anyone could do what they do? This has nothing to do with you being in low self esteem....look how intelligent and together everyone here is and yet look at all they've been through - you included. Believe me, in time comes clarity and strength - knowledge is strength and I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you are healing and realising his worth....zero! Mine has even resorted to now saying he "technically didn't cheat" as the relationship with ow wasn't "consummated"..he fails to see the intention was there and he was having a relationship with someone else, and the only reason he didn't meet her is because she realised fairly early on, he was a narc and cut contact....he told her he didn't want to end it. That's how much responsibility they take - none, and it never changes. You're stronger than you think and I didn't think I could see each day through and I hardly miss him after 4 months of dumping his sorry ass - I still think about him every day but I know every word spewing from that gaping hole in his face is a lie - your brain will eventually over rule your heart and you will feel a sense of peace...hugs to you xxx Well done on moving, best thing you could do for YOU x
Dec 15 - 8PM
(Reply to #26)
Scotchy71, it's funny what you say about self-esteem
because I remember reading in one of the books that initially, a narc is attracted to our self-esteem and confidence and... energy. then the book explains that the narc abuses us and brings us down, and then when they've rendered us weak, they D&D us. The book said that narc's are pulsed by weakness. In one scenario, the book demonstrated a case study where a woman didn't lose her power, and he remained attracted to that, so she left him. Sometimes I wish I had been that woman, instead of the woman who kept e-mailing him and finally pleading with him not to break up with her. I gave away my power, and he was repulsed by my weakness. I wish I had ended on a high note, so to speak. He even commented on it in the break up call. two days before the breakup call, I had shared with ex-N that he had been dismissive in the past week, and had been emotionally distant for three weeks. I had told him that it had hurt me, and I had shared it in the spirit of reconciliation and deepening the intimacy of our relationship. In the breakup call, he said to me, 'well, I know I shouldn't psychoanalyze you but, if I've treated you badly for the last three weeks, then why do you still have feelings for me?' My response was, in a desperate, crying voice, 'because I love you!' He was dumbfounded by what I said. He couldn't understand why I would be patient with three weeks of unusual and hurtful behavior... as if I should be willing to throw away a six-month relationship for what I thought was a brief period of mistreatment, which I have attributed to his depression. My move conjures up excitement as well as fear, but I have to do it. I don't know if you know this, but I'm moving to his area, not because of him, but because they think it's a great place to live. I've decided that he can't own the entire area, and I'm entitled to my little corner there, too. the move is actually freaking me out, and I've been second guessing my choice to do it... it's like I'm getting cold feet. But all of my oldest friends have been telling me that it's the best choice they've seen me make it almost a decade. They remind me that my life has been stagnant for over five years... maybe eight... and I've been avoiding this kind of big, earthshaking change for a long time. So even though I'm scared sh**less, I'm gonna do it anyway. *deep breath* Big hug of thanks, Leah
Dec 14 - 3AM
Leah and Bri
So, so true. That mutual friend is not going to be much help to anyone else. One other thing I remembered about my "soul sister" OW as well is that she is 50 and never married, never was engaged, and never had children. I asked her about marriage and children and the narc, and she said, "We never talked about it" like she was so shocked to even hear me bring it up. Said she never wanted kids, never wanted to get married, etc, etc. but then cried about the narc's foster child and never seeing him again. I started thinking, "Hmmmmmmmm. These two actually have quite a lot in common, with their independence/pretend parenthood thing going on" as she then went on and on about her business and her running, etc, interspersing that with more crying about the child. I am starting to think they were both just sucking love off the kid, and that they maybe deserve each other, especially now that she apparently isn't concerned about my kids anymore, as she seemed to be at first. I mean, if you never wanted kids and then fell in love with someone who had a child you loved, wouldn't you start naturally thinking about having your own? Maybe I'm being haughty or judgmental, but it just seems like a natural thing to me. It's something that never happened with the narc either: wanting his OWN children after he grew attached to the foster child. I'm rambling. I should go back to bed!
Dec 14 - 3AM
I couldn't sleep and was reading the forum on my iPhone and had to get up and write back when I saw your post. I totally get where you are coming from. It hurts so so much that they just walk away. I was with my narc for four years, and he is just gone now. No apology about the OW; not even a fake one. No flowers. No promises. No mushy card. No explanation. Nothing. And I thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with him, for better or worse. Just gone. I've got the same thing going on, too, with the OW as you do with the mutual friend. We talked at first for a couple of days, and he was "an a******" and could "go to H*ell" as she put it. Totally against him and so, so strong and very concerned about my children's well-being. We were big buddies, totally supportive of each other. "Stray strong" was the last thing she said to me. I contacted her a couple of weeks after we first spoke and she did not answer and never responded. I called her because she called and hung up. I started freaking out when she did that and wouldn't respond, and I left her a bunch of messages voicing my concern for her, wondering why she called, including one in tears expressing how worried I was that she was going back to him because he has caused my daughters and I so much pain and was still screwing other women here in Chicago and firting relentlessly at our children's school, and still hoovering me. I asked her to please, please just talk to me for one minute or write me a quick text to tell me what was going on so I wasn't in the dark, so I wasn't the fool yet again, and she absolutely would not respond. So we went from "soul sisters" to me being in the dark again, me being the idiot again and not worthy of a call or note. I know there is nothing I can do to stop her from finding out herself about what he's capable of, but I am really pissed that, even though she knows what he is, she doesn't have the courtesy to respond, even when I was in tears just asking her to tell me why she called. So of course, for the past two weeks I have been walking around picturing them in the pool again together, at her hotel downtown, and Christmas shopping with the narc and his child, just like old times. I'm not jealous, per se, in that I do not want to be with him any longer, but it's aggravating that she's got me thinking about this stuff again--and that she doesn't have the decency to respond to me when I went out of my way to talk to her, to warn her, to answer her questions, to help her. Your spirituality is a real gift. I dont' know what I'd do without my faith, and I know things will get better, but this is painful, painful stuff we are finding out about people. Know, Leah, that this mutual friend is under his spell, too. Or else she wouldn't be friends with him. She may seem self assured and all of that, just the way my OW did, but in the end they are sponges for the crap the narc throws down. I have to keep telling myself that over and over: the OW suspected the narc of cheating for more than a year. She said they fought all the time because he left her sitting alone after her efforts to come here from CA to visit each month. He made little time for her, he lied to her about his work schedule, he never went to see her--and she stayed. She's not much, if any, stronger or more self assured than I was. This is disappointing, too. I was using her as a role model for how a normal person would respond to his BS, and now I've had to throw her out because she's no stronger than I was. I would tell myself, "Look at V. She dumped his *ss. That's how it's done. Guess not. I have a feeling I wil be hearing from her again one day. Unfortunately for her. I feel like my mom, who always said, "I wish I could learn your lessons for you." Oh, well. Hang in there, beautiful!
Dec 14 - 3PM
(Reply to #15)
Heldweller, the dynamics you describe
are so similar. Sharing your story and perspective helps me feel less alone in this. this friend of his lives far away... like thousands of miles away. They were high school friends and fell out of touch until a few years ago, where they bumped into each other at their high school reunion. She has rarely spent time with him in person since they reconnected five or so years ago; I don't think she has any idea what he's like when he lets his guard down and all his quirks come out into daylight. In the book I was reading recently, 'Narcissistic Lovers,' they mention that Narcs frequently have close friends who live far away, where they can see the daily behavior patterns. And, almost all of his close friends (about three) are women. He has virtually no male friends, except for his oldest friend who lives six hours away. this friend of his... who I try to reestablish a friendship with... I don't think she has any idea of how disturbed and broken he is. I think if she knew how he treated me and how he discarded me,she would be quite confused and torn. I don't think she will ever really see who he is, and he puts on the 'nice guy' façade for her, so that's all she knows. I guess it's sad that she is caught in his web of disorder. Heldweller, thanks so much for sharing and supporting. Your words and the words of the other women helped keep me from contacting him, which now that his semester is done, I feel drawn to do. But I'll work hard to maintain NC. Hugs of thanks, -Leah