momoya's story

Thank you for your blog and for allowing us all to share our stories...this is my story.

My Narc appeared after 20 years of no contact. We we were sweethearts and he contacted me on a local networking site and asked how I had been. I noticed he was married so I kept it very brief but mentioned I still had the ring he gave me. He was very happy to hear that I had saved it and asked me to send it to him. I did so. After getting it he sent me a simple email " No letter?" I had just put the ring in the box, no letter. I did not respond. I saw on his page pictures of his wife and there wedding photos. I did not want to engage with any married man, especially if i was not friends with his wife. About 4 months past and I was going through a very difficult time. The BP oil spill actually. It was a very hard time for so many people especially people that make their living from the gulf waters. It was devastating watching oiled wildlife die and I live right on the water so I had a front row view for months, and months. During this time I deleted some "friends" on this networking site, he was one of them. I wanted people to care, to check on us and I deleted a bunch of people at one time. He contacted me 2 days later, no one else noticed. He asked why I had done that and said he just wanted to be my friend. I wrote him back and explained very honestly why I did it, and although I didn mean to hurt his feelings, I don't have any kind of relationships with married men. He wrote back that he was divorced and not married and wanted to talk to me badly, had wanted to find me for nearly 20 years, had thought of me for 20 years. I wrote back that I was sorry to hear he was divorcing and that it was a very hard time for me too, maybe we could talk after all. He was all the way across the nation from me, I didn't see the harm in just talking to him. I sent him my phone number, and my phone rang within minutes. I decided not to take the call immediately. He called again.

After we began to talk he was very excited to speak with me and he was almost elated. He told me that I had always been his "dream girl" and that he wanted to get my email address. He began to write and call me everyday. After just 2 weeks we were talking as often as possible. I told him everything about my life and he said he couldn't believe I was single and not married. He told me he never stopped loving me, dreaming of me, fantasizing of me. I had not felt this way about him, and had not thought of him over the years, so I was cautious to jump into something with him so soon after his divorce. I told him so. I told him I had reservations. He said his ex wife had cheated on him, and I told him I thought he needed time to heal. He said he had waited so long to reacquaint with me, how could I not see how much he wanted me? I still hesitated. He was intense, it was a whirlwind. He sent flowers. Soon a cell phone showed up at my house after I told him that we could not talk as much since he was eating up the minutes on my phone.

Soon we were in a long distance relationship. I thought we could just take it easy, long distance requires a lot of communication and I already had 500+ emails in my inbox. We had fun on the phone and would watch the same movie together. After the oil spill depression I was happy for the escape. But something inside me did not feel right. He soon started saying he wanted to come visit me. This is not even a month after we started talking. I told him it was too soon. He kept asking.

He said he wanted to meet my family again. He remembered everyone. He said he wanted to ask me a quesiton he always wanted to ask me. "Let me come visit and take you away for a week" I refused. I didn't want that. I didn't trust it. My best friend, a guy friend of 15 years, heard about this and cautioned me. "You are going to get hurt. I can't let you go out of town with him. You don't know who he is, it's been 20 years, you really don't know him." I told him he was being over protective. By this time I had become accustomed to talking to him and having his attention, and after the devastation of the oil, I was happy for the first time in a very, very long time.

He kept asking to come visit, he said he wasn't rebounding. He told me to trust him. "Just fall...I am here for you." he told me. I eventually agreed to let him visit. He wanted to meet my family and asked me to set up dinners. I told him to not pull any surprises and ask me to marry him or anything, as that would not be good. He said he " I won't ask you..on this trip" He would make strong hints that his intention was to ask me to marry him one day. I told him that I have never jumped into any relationship this quick, and would not agree to marriage, to which he said "we can have a long engagement". Everything he said to me seemed to indicate this man had been waiting for me for 2 decades. He was charming, flattering, funny and easy going on the phone. We set the date for him to visit me.

He arrived and we embraced in the airport and it was magic. I could barely concentrate on driving as we left the airport. It was love. I was smitten with him and he was just as I had remembered him to be. I was basing everything I knew of him off of the him from 20 years ago however.

He could not keep his hands off me. I wanted to give it time before we slept together but he totally put the moves on me and we ended up in bed within a few hours of his plane landing. The passion was overwhelming to me. The first few days we stayed in bed, snuggled up and ate in bed and made love over and over. He asked me to make dinner plans with the family and we all had dinner in which he was nice and conversed with everyone and they all just loved him. They asked him what his plans were and he said after he retired he wanted to find me where ever I was and be with me. He impressed them all.

I went back to work during his visit and when I came home he was different. He was very different. He was on my sofa and very cold all of a sudden. I thought maybe he had a bad day. He had his own room for his things and he was in the room alot, staying away from me. My gut told me something was off big time. I had no idea. I tried to talk to him but he remaind aloof and cold and distant, he said that he was dealing with leaving me in a few more days. We still had 4 days left together so I didn't really understand this. I gave him some space and ignored his behavior. The next day I came home during lunch time and he was much the same, still distant. Every day up until then he had told me he loved me, multiple times a day before that day, now that all stopped. All the affection stopped. I asked him again what was wrong. "This is me!" he yelled. "This is who I am and how I deal with things. Sorry if you don't like it." He was suddenly mean. I asked him if this is how it would always be? when I came to visit him would he do this 4 days before I was to leave? He just replied " Maybe". I was confused.

When I came home from work that night I had a gut feeling that there was another woman. I am not the jealous type. But this feeling was SO STRONG. I just felt like he wasn't being honest with me. I had a strong feeling, and I decided to peek into his phone. I realized that during his visit he kept his phone in the other room but I would hear it ring and see him go check it. I never asked who called, I didn't know him that well anyway.

That night I looked in his phone and he had 76 messages from his ex.I started shaking. I opened the 1st one and she was begging him to go to counseling with her, begging him to talk to her, "baby please you are killing me." My heart started to beat fast. I didn't open the other messages, didn't have time. I decided to read them all the following night. I wondered why his ex wife would be asking for counseling if they were divorced? seemed very strange to me. That night I wanted to see where his head was and I asked him if we would be having sex, he replied
" I only do that when I feel like it". I noticed that the last time we were in bed together when I looked at him, in his eyes during, I told him I loved him. He lost his erection within minutes and rolled over. He never spoke to me, and went to sleep. It was horrible. I didn't want him to leave with that as our last sexual experience.

But his treatment of me was never the same again. Maybe it was me telling him that I loved him that did it.

The next night I went into his phone and pulled up the messages. He was to leave the next morning. Almost all of the texts were now deleted. I though that was odd. While I had his phone in my hand, she called him. The ring tone was a song that should not be on his phone when his EX WIFE called! I was upset. I found a few messages on the phone, all of them appeared that he was speaking with her regularly and that she was pinning to have him back. I pulled up his call log and it showed he spoke with her 2 days in a row - 20 to 30 mins for each call. That was while I was a work the past 2 days. My gut was right. I decided to ask the questions I had wanted to ask.
He was in my bed reading, it was late. I sat next to him and looked at him directly and I asked him if he was being %100 percent honest with me? his reply "yeah" no eye contact. I said again" are you sure?" - yeah. I said why is ____ calling you still? "Because she is crazy." he said. I asked if had talked to her and he said no. I knew that was a lie. I asked him what the state of the relationship was and he said it was nothing now. He wanted to know why I was asking. I told him everything. I told him I felt he had not been honest with me and I looked in his phone. I decided to lie on the spur of the moment and said ' And I talked to her.' He freaked. He got up out of the bed - it was around 11pm. And he grabbed his phone he went up and got in the shower and then packed his suit case. I asked him to talk to me. He lectured me that I had betrayed his trust, his privacy, and that I had severe trust issues. He was leaving, right then. I couldn't stop him. I thought maybe I was wrong, maybe I had it wrong. He left in the middle of the night. Told me not to contact him, that he would contact me if he felt like, at some point later on. But I was not to contact him until he decided what he would do. He was very mad at me. I was shocked, confused and not sure what to believe.

Weeks went by. No phone calls. My emails unanswered. I couldn't stand the silent treatment. I wrote to him that I felt he was punishing me, and he could just as well end it. My phone calls went straight to voice mail. I just wanted him to talk to me. But he would not reply.

I was going crazy just wanting the truth. He finally sent me a short email that it was over "due to my actions" and that maybe he would contact me again at a later date and we could discuss it but since I didn't trust him, he felt we had no future. He told me not to contact him. He deleted me from the networking site. I noticed however that he added his ex the same day. This really alerted me. I decided to do a back ground check on him.

I found out he was still married. I was devastated. My family asked about him, I could not bring myself to tell them the truth. I found out he went right back to his wife. I did not contact him. I tried to move on. I had to get counseling. My cousin contacted his wife and told her everything in a very brief email. She never responded.

3 months later I recieved an email on the networking site that asked if I knew (his name). I said that I wish I didn't and she responed that she was his Other Woman and had found my info in his phone. She told me everything. Not only was he married while he was with me, but he was also with this other girl. She relayed so much and said that she had also contacted his wife and that he had lied to all of us. He lied about so much even telling wildly strange stories about his job, even said he suffered from severe depression. But he never told any of that to me. She said that he would have her travel to come and have sex with him when ever he wanted, and she also had believed he was divorced. Their relationship had lasted 7 months and went on during the time he was trying to get me to fall for him. His wife had cheated on him, and he threatened her that he was going to "go out and find women to make them pay for what you did to me".

I felt he hurt me on purpose. I was right. I decided to write to him to tell him everything, to confront him with the truth. I wrote him a long email. I asked him why he would do it all? what is the purpose? how could he be so mean to me and punish me when I had every right not to trust him. He only responded that the other woman "was crazy" and he didn't care what I thought. He then called the other woman and yelled at her for contacting me.

Another month later I got an email from him that he was recieving anonymous text messages and he didn't know who they were from. He was angry and just wanted them to stop. Turned out he had another girl, much younger this time, who he pulled the same routine on. I learned his wife finally kicked him out. It seemed he lost all his supply sources all in just a few months of each other.

I am sure he is out on the hunt now looking for somone else.

I found info on Narc's and I feel he is one! I hope I can get past this pain soon but the way they come into your life and promise so much yet only provide hurt and pain, is so hurtful. I have learned so much and I hope it will make me stronger one day. I will never, ever date anyone again from my past. I will never let a man come in to my life again in the same way as he did.