Ok I lost it again, I feel awful Please HELP

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November 29, 2010 - 8:39pm (Reply to #35)
blueeyes
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jelizabeth

He was projecting his flaws onto you. No wonder we feel beat, huh? Don't be sad too long. Your becoming YOU again!
November 29, 2010 - 3:41pm (Reply to #33)
gettinbetter
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a very powerful that is used

a very powerful that is used in psychological torture. Mine is the King of this.
November 29, 2010 - 2:36pm (Reply to #30)
Used
Used's picture

jen79

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR. i would like to meet the "MAN", who wrote that ..i truly would have a little word in his shell like ear..
November 29, 2010 - 2:59pm (Reply to #31)
Briseis
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There is a website I ran

There is a website I ran across where a bunch of apes get together and discuss how to get as much p*ssy as they can possibly get while NOT letting the woman get her claws into them. It is appalling and revolting beyond words. I TOLD you guys there are bad people in this world!!! And they are not just on the news lol. I'd like to meet the man who wrote that too. I'd have lots of fun pushing HIS lever. Don't get me started. He'd be afraid of p*ssy if I had my way. Oh wait, he already IS afraid of it, which is why he has to approach it like some kind of neanderthal (no offense against neanderthals).
December 4, 2010 - 5:00am (Reply to #32)
michele115 (not verified)
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Brie

I am reading this at 6am and you have me laughing my ass off...
November 29, 2010 - 11:12am
helldweller
helldweller's picture

jen79

I know. I am another one who stayed with him via text even though we lived thirty feet from each other. He made a point of avoiding me, not calling or answering calls, never going anywhere with me, even taking a different route to school when it was time to pick up our kids. I am ashamed of myself still, and I too still dream of him every night--especially about having sex with him. There are good and bad days, and really good and really bad days. They say it gets better. :)
November 29, 2010 - 12:17pm (Reply to #25)
jen79
jen79's picture

I think I am better again

I just had a very bad day, and I am feeling better again. I dont want anyone here to lose faith that it does get better, cause it does. Slowely, yes, but step by step, and I see now, the most strength I get from, is the knowing, that even if I have set backs, I can get myself into a better place again, within days, it doesnt last that long anymore. I guess its this 3 steps forward, 2 steps back thing. You know, I see that sexual attraction thing, dreams and so on is always ONLY a problem for me, when I am feeling powerless and unworthy. As soon as I have my senses back, the thought of sex with him only disgusts me. Ughh...what journey
November 29, 2010 - 11:00am
Used
Used's picture

jen79

it will be fine again, you had a good day yesterday,and now today is bad, and tomorrow is another day....you will get passed it jen, i know you will please block him soon, was it briesies who asked to how much it was for the thing you need to change your phone, i dont mind contributing as well..... you WILL BE FINE!!!!!!
November 29, 2010 - 11:05am (Reply to #2)
jen79
jen79's picture

thanks used

I know you are right, maybe tomorrow will be a better day again, I am afraid of sleeping now, cause afraid what I will dream. I will ask my family to give me money to get this app. This needs to be done. I hope this nightmare is over by to tomorrow.
November 29, 2010 - 12:16pm (Reply to #3)
blueeyes
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Hugs.....

Jen, You did see your happiness in your hands, and that you have given power away to the N! You still do today but realizing and feelings don't always match up. It creates more CD which is hell on earth. Maybe I triggered you to remember those texts and obsess about it? If so, I'm sorry :( I meant no harm, but I was happy you had a realization, that's all :( Your having a bad day and that's ok. You need to feel this to heal yourself. Your not an FAN! If you were, you would not be here learning about moving on, right? You will heal! I know you will from your posts I hear determination. XO
November 29, 2010 - 1:08pm (Reply to #4)
jen79
jen79's picture

Blue

Yes i know, no you didnt trigger it, I have felt this standby connection to him the last days, with this cold contempt towards me, I felt it every second, this "you no good supply anymore, I now pursue better prey"...and it felt awfull, and I just wanted him to get out of my head again. I see when I am low, I sense him more, and I know its because then we vibrate at similar frequencies I guess. As soon as I have moved myself up again, he is not that screaming at me anymore. This sounds a little bit psychotic, I know, but thats the way I feel it. I am better, he is a hopeless case, and he will never change, and probrably die young with drama around him, no ending drama and pain. But thats his problem now, and her's. Not mine anymore. I wish I could just eraise him from my mind forever.
November 29, 2010 - 4:14pm (Reply to #21)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I read a Narc story a while

I read a Narc story a while back where it was a mother discussing how much a narc had traumatized her young daughter I think late teens or early twenties anyway she took her to a hypnotist and literally had him and the experiences erase from her mind. She admitted that she knew it was unconvential but did not want her daughter living with that pain and trauma. Hypnosis hmmm maybe I can add that to my psychic chord cutting:)! In all seriousness I havent meditated or done my chord cutting in the last few days and guess what? today I feel a anxious and drained. I swear there is something to it.
November 29, 2010 - 4:18pm (Reply to #22)
jen79
jen79's picture

really???? Hypnosis works???

Where did you read that, I would do that right away, even if it had side effects, I better forget everything that happened the last two years if I can forget him...just imagine, I would be again an innocent free person...believing in the good in people...just with knowledge in my unconscious mind that guides me through my gut feeling. I would do everything for that!!!!! Mmmmh....
November 29, 2010 - 4:24pm (Reply to #23)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

trust me its crossed my mind

I dont remember where I read it but I definitely read that. I think they use hypnosis in people who have suffered trauma though I really dont know. Ill tell you this your mind is so powerful that psychic chord meditation has helped me with my health no doubt about it.
November 29, 2010 - 4:05pm (Reply to #7)
jelizabeth
jelizabeth's picture

Erasing

"I wish I could just eraise him from my mind forever." I know just the feeling, Jen. I wish all the time that the memory erasing service in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind were real, and I could book an appointment NOW. And I'm so sorry he haunted you in your dreams. That happens to me all the time ... well, increasingly less, but still. He often makes cameos, even when the dream isn't focused on him. Sometimes he was awful in the dream, betraying me again, or sometimes it was amazing and idyllic and it would break my heart to have to see the ideal again, that way. The OW was the real star of the show, much of the time, absolutely crushing my feelings so I would wake up feeling so awful. At least SHE is gone from my dreamworld. It feels so deeply invasive that they can find you even when you sleep, to prey on your mind. But it will subside. You will heal. And it doesn't seem at all like you have lost all your perspective ... but I understand that slipping backward feeling, too, and it doesn't feel fair: one day you're sure you are past all the grief, and suddenly, out of nowhere, you're back in the hole again. I'm sorry I am new here and I don't know the whole story of your history, but maybe you can block his number? Then no new surprise texts can hit you like that, and send you reeling backward.
November 29, 2010 - 4:14pm (Reply to #8)
jen79
jen79's picture

Hi jelizabeth

No sorry. I am happy you are here. Yes I seem to have not lost my perspective, but today I did, and then i come here to write it all out, during the writing and reading all the feedback I get my perspective back and I start to feel better. Thats why I love this board here so much. I had for very long time no positive dream about him anymore, this sex dream was positive but mixed again with anxiety. The rest of my dreams have been nighmares, where he either punishes me with contempt, or where he was a monster hunting me. I once had a dream he came to ask me if he can adopt me, he wants a daughter like me. Says it all, doesnt it? Yes I hate dreaming of him too, I guess thats part of the process, I just see the more, I release all my worries and fears here, the better I sleep. I will block him soon, my provider doesnt allow blocking in any form. And my phone needs an app, that I cannot buy at the moment, cause its too expensive for me right now, but I dont think he will text anytime soon again, since he just devalued and discarded me and is already busy trying to get his ex back. So I guess I have enough time to get myself in a stable condition again. Oh jesus, this all sucks so much, doesnt it.
November 29, 2010 - 5:13pm (Reply to #9)
Susan32
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Weird...

I rarely dream about the ex-Psych professor. I used to have many erotic/sexual dreams about him (what's weird is that his birthday is the SAME as your ex-N, my eyes bugged when I looked yours up) The dreams got especially vivid BEFORE the final D&D. After the D&D, all dreams of him ceased. Now, he makes cameos. I'll be looking for him... I'll see only the back of his head... but for some reason not be disappointed when I don't find him. The dream goes on without him. I had a recent dream in which I confronted him. I was handing him garbage- incredibly yucky, disgusting stuff, a biohazard. He asked me, baffled, "Why are you giving me this TRASH?" My response was "Because that's how you treated me." So, I got some subconscious closure ;)
November 29, 2010 - 5:56pm (Reply to #10)
jen79
jen79's picture

Susan, really they are born at the same date?

OMG, this creeps now the hell out of me!!!! This is a sign Susan, war and war and creepy actor have the same birth date...I cant believe it. Since yours gives me always goose bumps in a negative way when you write about him. And as I remember, you had this too when you saw him at the billboard, didnt you? This is scary, and as I mentioned its also scary that his mom has a pic of her with OJ Simpson on fb...scary. I think, you had a very obvious closure dream, I still wait for that to happen. Though I reached already this point, right now I cannot even think of closure with him, I would like to throw at him all what I think about him, but I wont. I just want him to be erased from my mind. I hope my memories will be less sharp in some days, it always has been that way.
November 29, 2010 - 6:14pm (Reply to #11)
Susan32
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Mr. War and War and War and Mr. Cylon/Human War

It's September 14... just different years (yours is older by 3 years) The ex-P also called me "crazy stabbing student." Being a sci-fi fan, Leoben has always creeped me out on some level... and not just because of the fictional character. That show he was on... struck me as "yuck." Icky at some subconscious level. As for the obvious closure dream, it took me a decade to have it. What creeped me out recently was listening to Deutsche Welle radio early in the morning before work, it was for some prize (NPR airs it) They played the 1812 overture, read an excerpt, and on some level I KNEW it was "War and Peace." having psychic powers when half-asleep... I'd rather be AWAKE and caffeinated. At my nursing home, there's a resident who was watching the BBC version of "War and Peace" A LOT. It's the one that the ex-P liked "because Hannibal Lecter is in it." (It has Sir Anthony Hopkins in the lead) It was bizarre coincidences. These recent incidents didn't reduce me to tears or making me upset... but I'm sure they would have at the Narc workplace, or if I had not been as far out. It probably would've hit harder if my D&D had been a year ago. It will take time and healing for those memories to go away. I had to go NC, and leave like the flight into Egypt. What's strange is that on the drive back, even my father said it was an escape... tho I didn't tell about it then, and I've been reticent about it ever since. My mother is trying to deal with her Narc mother (my grandmother), is studying up on NPD... much easier to do when one is not directly involved with a Narc. Closure takes time. You've shown a lot of strength, you were (and are) the healthy one. You are freeing yourself.
November 29, 2010 - 6:27pm (Reply to #12)
jen79
jen79's picture

Susan

Oh I had this too, I didnt watch TV now for so long, and at the weekend I watched maybe some minutes, and of course the first thing I saw when the TV was on, was a movie he played in a creepy idiot of course, as always. I thought, is this possible, this is not the first time this happened, i once stood up in the middle of the night, couldnt sleep, turned the tv on, and the first thing I saw was HIS face in a tv show..and so on and on. Its really creepy susan, that they are born the same day. Its creepy. I saw already some correlations, my sister is born 9/12, my mom 9/13, he is 9/14, and old ex of mine (a narc too) also born 9/12, the gf of the N actor 9/1, my ex I was with when i met him 9/3... and me 8/26, and my Nfather 8/25. I start to slowely believe birthdates have to say something.
November 29, 2010 - 8:37pm (Reply to #17)
Susan32
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Birthdate coincidences

My sister was born 9/24, my brother in-law was born 9/10, the pastor friend of mine who died during the D&D was born on 9/18... and my baby nephew was born on 10/14. I met the ex-P on 8/26.... but that was 14 years ago. The biggest difference between your ex-N and my ex-P is that yours has some accomplishments and an actual career. The ex-Psych professor lives completely in his head (when will he get evicted?) Good thing I never bought real estate with the ex-P... because he doesn't know what REAL is. We find it funny when a little kid confuses fantasy with real life. We find it pathetic when an adult lives in a fantasy world, like World of Warcraft (the documentary "Darkon" is all about people who find more reality pretending they're elves or knights than real life) We find it disturbing when an adult can't tell the difference between fiction and real life. I'd say Trekkies who study Klingon and Star Wars fans who consider themselves of the Jedi faith have a better understanding of reality and the meaning of life than the ex-P. They tend to know where fantasy ends and real life begins.
November 29, 2010 - 8:46pm (Reply to #18)
jen79
jen79's picture

Susan you met him on my bday

It gets more creepy than I thought. You know that my N doesnt have a real carrier too, he has alot of things he has done, but this was more, the waiter behind the bar, the man behind the tree and so on. He is 50 now, and he is scared as hell he will never find work again, since no one wanted to see his crazy tv show. And he lives in fantasy world too, thinking he is a celebrity and can do anything he want, drugs sex and rockn roll, you know, this stuff. He is delusional just as yours, dont worry.
November 29, 2010 - 8:59pm (Reply to #19)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Illusions of Bliss- Sarah McLachlan was right!

That's what Ns/Ps have... illusions of bliss. And I'm not worrying... it would be a waste of time ;) The ex-P's father is quite accomplished, the big Oedipal irony, and has done A LOT more than his son. Because life is unfair, the ex-P's father was never my professor (he's quite respected, able to hold a normal dialogue on the radio). Because life is fair, the ex-P's father was NEVER my father in-law. Remember how your ex-N was freaked out by that Sufi priest's prediction? The ex-P was similar. He'd say that he was going to die young, that he was destroying himself. I told him once how I had seen a ghost... and it REALLY scared him. I had been housesitting, and I saw this nice little girl with her brothers. I told my parents how this family had great sons and a pleasant daughter. My parents' response was that the daughter died before we moved to Oregon. This little girl didn't look like an orb, see-through, or a sheet... she looked solid and real to me. These predictions my mother and I made about the ex-P came true, they were predicted 5 years ahead: -He'd father twins -His parents would raise them But they happened to the OW, not me. After the D&D, one of my friends asked me to make predictions about the ex-P. I said that it was too dark for me to look. It's like I didn't want to go there... I didn't even want to look there. The ex-P once asked me to predict his future for him... and I was like "let's not go there." Something about it terrified me.
November 29, 2010 - 9:08pm (Reply to #20)
jen79
jen79's picture

Susan I so get you

I have the same thing, I try to get control over this empath thing. And I so understand what you mean, when you say, its too dark, I dont want to go there. I once did it lately, and I can see, right now, he hasnt change this path that leads to his early death, you know I always predicted that, even before the suffi said it, but I wasnt that much aware of the empath psychic thing. Right now, I dont want to go there anymore. I can see some other paths of friends as well, and this too, they are too dark for me to watch, and these are the friends that I cutt off lately all together. Seems darkness is going away now from our lifes. And I think thats a good thing.
November 29, 2010 - 6:40pm (Reply to #15)
jen79
jen79's picture

crazy stabbing student

holy jesus! These bastards are all the same, this made me laugh though, susan. I know its not funny, but war and war and crazy actor have the same birth date and devalued us the same way made me laugh.
December 5, 2010 - 6:25pm (Reply to #16)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

What he also called me...

I've been watching lots of paranormal/supernatural shows lately. The stress has been triggering. My paternal grandmother is on hospice after a stroke. It hasn't been painful for her, luckily. It triggers the painful memories of how the ex-P railed at me in class after my grandfather died, taunting and insulting me. My sister in-law divorced from a Narc lawyer in Texas. My cousin's wife left him, and she was involved with drugs and the occult. My brother in-law in Boston had a stress breakdown and was hospitalized. It's been a lot... and it's been triggering. A friend once said I'd bring up the ex-P during stressful situations. Because of the trauma bonding (thank God it didn't end up in sex)... the stress triggers those memories. So, now back to the title. The ex-P called me a poltergeist. Ns/Ps can be forces in themselves. It was some projection... but poltergeists are forces, NOT objects. Poltergeists are spirits that don't take human form. He saw me as a force... and when you try to fight a force, you usually lose. When the river flooded here a few years ago, I didn't even bother reasoning with it.
November 29, 2010 - 6:39pm (Reply to #13)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Im tellin ya...

Its the psychic chord thing :))))
November 29, 2010 - 8:39pm (Reply to #14)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Psychic cords (chords?)

Hearing the thing about "War and Peace" on the radio was weird. Didn't exactly scare me. When the resident watched "War and Peace", I neither felt excited nor saddened by it. This is a lady who watches soap operas and musicals too, and likes her coffee and hot chocolate. For some reason, I wasn't really moved. I watched a few minutes of "W&P" and my response was "meh." What DOES IT MEAN?
November 29, 2010 - 4:01pm (Reply to #5)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

So..

I knew you were still in your realization! I'm glad you know it now. Belee me, I have to remind myself ALL the time. It's penance for laying down with dogs?
November 29, 2010 - 11:57pm (Reply to #6)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Great.

Just great. Does that mean I laid with a frickin' little Chihuahua?? No offense to chihuahuas.