True 2 Truth's Story
True 2 Truth's Story
I wish I found this site 3 years ago. I cannot believe there are so many women who know exactly what I am going through. I have never felt so alone in my life. I suppose I didn't find the site until I was meant to.
I will try and be as short and sweet as possible.
I was with my ex for 4 years. It was the most amazing thing I had ever known in the beginning. He was not like anyone I had ever gone for in the past. He was soft spoken and a bit feminine ( I thought he may be gay). I put it off. Thinking that perhaps because he wasn't crude I was making a swift judgement in assuming he could be gay.
About 6 months into the relationship I had these gut feelings that he wasn't being open with me. It would nag at me but he always had an explaination and told me that because of my past ( abandoned as a child) I was being paranoid and I was letting it affect our relationship.
My love grew and my guts churned but he was this person who treated me like gold and loved me. He was right I was losing it. He must have been with his divorce lawyer until 2 am.
About a year into our relationship I found a reciept in his car for the drive in. I had never been and had alway wanted to go. He told me it wasn't his. It must have been his co-workers ( I refused to believe it stating that I dount his co worker would open up his consol and tuck in in there. I knew in my heart he was lying. I left.
He haunted me for days swore up and down he did not EVER go to the drive in. He got down on his hands and knees and begged me to believe him. The tears were streaming down his face and he swore on his mothers life ( who he is obsessed with)that he had never ever be to a drive in.
I took him back but kept the reciept. I posted it in my journal.
Things became worse and worse after that. When I would confront him about things that did not add up he would turn it back on me. It was the same pattern every time. I can say that he never once took responsibilty for his actions. He told me I made him lie. It was not his fault that I was hard to talk to. That I was bitter. I tried explaining that I was hurt and scared for my sexual health he wouldnt hear it. It was never about me.
When I would try and end things he would go into the hospital for one illness or another. Knowing that my heart was so big I could not let him go through anything alone ( in case he was telling the truth.
He would end things and take off to another county for 6 weeks at a time and then call me all the way from Egypt or Saudi Arabi telling me not to be with anyone and how much he loved me and was dying without me. I fell for it everytime. I loved him so much. I wanted to believe that it was me.
Flash forward..so many lies...
1. I found out he went to the drive in multiple times with two girls he swore he didn't speak to anymore.
2. He took money from me to store his stuff and actually stored it at their house.
3. He told me he really needed the money to give to his Aunt in the states who also had breast cancer.
4. He had also told me when we first met his mother had cancer.
5. When I went for STD testing and was waiting on the results I refused to see him. I was so scared and worried and I didnt want to take out my fears on him in case everything was all right. He got angry with me for not being able to see him and told me he was so depressed he stayed in bed all wekkend and watched movies. I foudn out when I went to support him at an event that he actually went out with a girl on a date to a movie.
That was the turning point for me. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I found out from her. Not him. I remember shaking and sweating and feeling like if I didnt get away from them I would pass out or vomit.
I left. He called everyday for two weeks. Sent flowers. Begged swore it was all a misuderstanding etc...
Im trying to write this but there is so much. This is just a small portion of the lies and torture he put me through.
I felt so worthless with him. I felt he was embarassed by me. When he left this summer ( again) he said to me..maybe you will have bigger boobs and longer hair when I get back.
This summer when he returned ( on my b-day) I told him I would consider seeing him on two conditions
1. No more lies period
2. He suggested counselling ( as he had refused when I asked in the past) I asked that he commit to that suggestion.
He was not back with me 2 weeks before he lied to me about another girl again. He told me once again I made him lie and that he neeeded to protect his public image. If she knew I was suspicious she would tell people at school and he might look bad.
I kicked him out that night and have not contacted him at all in 12 weeks. I moved out of my home and into a new one so he cannot just swing by and con me again. I had changed all my numbers except one. He called after 12 weeks this Saturday. There was no I am sorry. No I have learned.
It was "you have to do this" and you dont understand..you made me lie. I need to see you, if you really loved me you would pick up etc.....
I did not meet him and I did not pick up. His last text was are you not seeing me cause there is someone else??
It shocked me that even now four years later he is in such deep denial. I wanted to scream I AM NOT SEEING YOU BECAUSE OF YOU!!! YOU!! NO ONE ELSE. YOU HURT ME, YOU THREW ME AWAY LIKE GARBAGE,YOU BROKE MY SPIRIT, YOU FREAKIN GASLIGHTED ME!!! the only person that ever kept me from him was...HIM. It scared me to realize that he will never ever take responsibilty for his actions. He loves no one but himself.
I prayed he would never called but strangely, I am glad he did. Its not me. Its all about him. What he wants, what he needed. He didnt miss, want, or need me for 12 weeks.
Everytime I took him back into my home, heart, and arms he betrayed me. The only thing I have never done is..to stay away from him. I am sure that is the only way I will recover.
My biggest regret is urging him to go back to school and become a Doctor. He said it was his dream. He said he wanted to help people. He said seeing his mom go through so much he wanted to be a good doctor. I wrote most of his character skecth and provided references and a letter begging the school to take him. I sopke of how wonderful he was and his vision.
Flash forward- I now know he doesn't give a crap about people- he wanted to be a doctor for the title and the money. Period. This is what haunts me the most. I was a path for that selfishness.
I was diagnosed with PTSD. I have lost so much in the last few years. The person I miss the most is me. I am working towards getting well again. The nightmares of his lies and evilness still keep me up. Most nights I still wake up crying becuase of the hurt and inner confusion. I still love him but I hate him more. Hate is a poision. I am working on getting rid of that hate that toxic.Its onyl hurting me. Its going to take time to heal. I was pretty sure that he was a NARC. but after finding this site and reading the eerie stories from other women I am sure now. I had so many aha moments in the last 24 hours its making me dizzy.
Thank you you have no idea how much I needed to find this site. I am sorry we are all here but there is someone who understands the heart wrencthing mind spinning nights.