It's my nature when something baffles or hurts me to try to understand as much as possible. I've always believed that within the deeper meaning and understanding can come closure. I don't know what I believe anymore.
I met my XN almost 3 years ago. I was coming out of a 14 year marriage, I'd been outsourced and laid off from my job of 19 years and I think I was very vulnerable. I'd always taken such pride in the fact that I was capable, strong, independent, smart, spirited, extraverted, outgoing. Well you get the idea. I was also cold. In other words no one was getting in to hurt me. It's why I sit here today so baffled by who I have become. I was duped, abused, violated, used and left standing alone reduced to a puddle and a mess. My life is now a mess and the only person I blame is me.
He was charming, made me laugh, feel special, perfect and wonderful. There were so many red flags that I ignored because I think I needed it. Within hours of meeting him he wanted to be intimate. That didnt happen but it didnt take long. We lived almost 100 miles apart and even in the beginning he had this very odd way of saying "these are you designated days". He would ask me to come, I'd stay in a hotel and he would then make me wait until he determined the hour I should come, if we had a sleep over, when I would be dismissed, etc. I was confused. He'd invite me to drive up and MAYBE we'd get together, then hang out with like his 5 friends, keep me away until he was ready. Bizarre. I did not understand. I was normal, nothing about any of this was normal.
He would beckon, determine, dictate how and when everything happened. He emailed me dozens of times daily and you could tell he was hiding things but I did not know what. He had a 10 year old and days with his son were NOT spent with me. He had no desire to introduce us. I'd been to his house, which he bragged was paid for but also a disgusting bachelor pad. You know, smells like cat piss, no toilet paper, dirty, 80's decor, used furniture, beer bottles everywhere. I wasnt impressed but I did give him props for not having a mortgage. It wasnt until much later I found out his parents had paid for the house, his car, etc. He had acquired nothing on his own. He worked to pay his child support and keep his family appeased. He would have me come after 6 on Sundays when his son went home and stay until Wednesday when he had his son again. It was during those days I saw the drinking problem but not until a few months in that I saw things I'd never imagined in my life. Weekends without his son were sometimes spent with me but mostly with his pig friends. And trust me, these guys were all single, all married once or never, had one kid, some had life long STD's, were total losers that lived with their mommies and basically had no jobs. In their 30's. They did and still do direct him about who was acceptable. When I became a problem they told him how I was no good and I was discarded. I was constantly baffled. Like really? How old are you? Removing age and the lack of any responsibility whatsoever as a factor they all grossed me out. My XN was average looking at best but I was insanely attracted to him and I still have no idea why. He's small, balding, no chin, but my god he could kiss. I missed kissing, apparently too much to see the sun for the moon. I don't know what was missing in my life so much that I continued this charade. It should have been over after 2 months.
At 2 months he invited me for the WHOLE weekend. Oh he must have been falling for me, I finally got a whole weekend!!! Friday we played, drank, had awesome sex (well I always thought it was awesome but I've come to realize how selfish it was). I of course went out of my way to be the best lover he'd ever had. It was exhausting and empty but oh how I tried. Saturday, a day I'll never forget, along with many other days of the week. Anyway, we got up Saturday morning and he immediately started drinking. I try not to judge, with my unemployment I'd been known to tip the bottle earlier in the day so I didnt think too much of it. He sat in front of his computer to play a video game, World of Warcraft. Now I'm perplexed, how a man in his mid 30's plays video games but I take my place on the couch and stay there for 14 hours while he gets completely bombed. A dozen beers, 750 ml of Jaegermeister and a ton of marajuana. I don't know how much I left my corner of the couch that day. If you found a safe and clean spot in this place you didnt move much. I had never seen anyone so wasted in my life. He passed out on the floor in front of the computer. I was able to get him up and into the shower. Not only was he drunk he has terrible BO so I was killing two birds with that stone. I have never seen anyone like this and I'd had plenty of drunk moments in life myself. After the shower he started screaming at me and calling me a whore, swinging at me, demanding I leave him $100, then trying to lay on me, kiss me, have sex with me. Trust me, this guy wasnt getting anything up. I think I was in total shock. I secured him on his passed out side, packed my bag and hit the road to go home and I smiled the entire way while I said to myself "oh hell no" and "good riddance". Gross, gross, gross. What a pig. Then Sunday came and he starts texting me, calling me baby, acting as if nothing ever happened. I told him what he'd done and that so was I. Then his friends start texting me how sorry he is, he was drunk, he didnt mean it, let him explain, make it up to me and I was sucked back in again and was for a couple more years. Because you know he really felt bad! If I could do anything in my life over again, that would be the very moment. I would have NEVER been treated that way or accepted that apology. It felt so good leaving his house that night. Why on earth did I ever get sucked back in?
So it began. I moved in with him, gave up my 300k house to my soon to be X husband, moved, was in a huge metropolis and looking for work. While he worked, I scrubbed and cleaned, prepared meals, did the yard work, anything to make him think I was amazing. I didnt give him rent but I bought all the food and booze. Trust me, booze was a several hundred dollar a week expense. I learned how life was. Every night was drinking night, except Wednesday and every other weekend. Once he had me and I'd moved he told me we were "friends". No longer perfect or his girlfriend I was his maid and servant and I could not turn back, I had no where to go. I tried to commit suicide. Oh imagine his disgust. I remember thinking in that moment as I downed a bottle of lorazepam with booze how could I have made such a huge mistake? I may have been in the process of losing my beautiful house but it was clean and safe and I'd worked my whole life for it and here I was, strange town, strange house, strange man, strange life. This guy that was so fun and had made me feel so alive turned so cold and was a bastard unlike any man I'd ever known. The minute he had me, moved me in, he turned so fast and cold and I had no idea people like this existed. I did not know what devalue and discard meant. So I tried harder. After two months and having squatters on our couch, all playing video games, eating my food, drinking our booze, I spent every day not knowing how the hell this happened. In July 08, he threw me out because he wanted to have a party. I wasnt having a f'ing party but he looked at me in the car and said "I dont want a girlfriend anymore". I had nowhere to go. I slept in my car the first night and asked my X husband if I could come back to our house until I found another place. He graciously let me. I was a complete mess. What the hell was going on? I had no idea.
September 08 I found a job, a roommate and moved and XN was back within one week. I stopped at his house to get mail or something. Had not seen him in months and we went and partied that night and he spent the weekend with me at my new place. Game back on. He was in love, we were in love, I had pneumoia the next week but I was to go cook for him and his son, be on call for sex, I was so sick and I never said no. Hell I never slept at my new place and by November he was begging me to move back in. I was so reluctant. He begged and promised and I gave in. I was there all the time and it would save me money so I gave my notice on my month to month for 12/15. On 12/14 when we went to get the moving van his loser friend was there and said to him "you know, once they move their furniture in they never leave". Before we left that night, he looked at me and said "this is just until you find something else". I was in such shock I could not breathe. I had a place he'd just asked me to give up, he begged me to move in, I'd given my notice and before I even moved my stuff he was already telling me to find something else. I was devastated. How could I move in now? But now I had no choice. They unloaded the furniture into the hallway and went to play ping pong, video games, drink, get wasted and I was left to move all the heavy beds, tv's, everything. He did not help at all. I was in such shock, I didnt want him near me anyway. It only lasted 4 or 5 weeks. He had actually found a lump in my left breast so I went and had a mammogram. They contacted me and told me they needed more tests. He never said ONE word to me about it after he found out the lump was really a lump, after he initially begged me to go get it checked. It was 3 weeks (holidays) before my scheduled appointment. It was the most horrific, disgusting, sleepless, him being drunk and our house never being without drunk people, strangers, drinking every night and partying until 2 or 3 AM, when I had to be up at 6 to go to work. I'd go to bed, lock the door, try to sleep and the party just went on around me. I was such a mess I almost lost my job. I think if it had not been for the good graces of my boss knowing my situation I would have. Waiting for breast exam results, no sleep, being treated like a total stranger in this home. People stopped in and stayed for days. Ate the food I paid for. I'd make my lunch for work and wake up and it would be eaten. I never knew who was sleeping in the house. He'd let any loser off the street drink, party and stay there. He would be drunk every night and come to bed and want to have sex. Every morning he would roll over and say "pants off honey" and I honestly thought giving him sex would make him love me. One night he would not take no for an answer. He pinned me down, put his hand over my face and took what he wanted, I fought for what I could, until I just laid there and cried and he finished. I will never be the same. I see that in my dreams, nightmares, it was horrific. I now dont even remember how I functioned. He raped me. But it was ok because he didnt remember doing it. He did not understand how I was reduced to this crying little weak baby. How could I? His friends would call me names, lock me out in the snow, tell me to F off and die, call me freeloader, bitch, shove me, hit me. He never stopped them or said anything to them, stood up for me. Ever. By January I was such a mess I went to my doctor, I was on the floor, a mess, he put me on anti-depressants and inquired if I was safe. I lied. After my breast biopsy (he went to the bar that night and never asked how it turned out) we had a big blow up because he spent 2 days drinking himself almost to a coma. He punched me, left bruises on me, told me he was going to fuck other women, I was not able to function here anymore, the cops were there, twice in one night, I couldnt work the next day, I told my boss why. He found me a place to live and moved me out in 4 days. XN went to the bar that Saturday too, never helped move, never inquired where I'd be going. And so this went.........
He was back in Feb and in love with me. I had my own place so a reasonable sense of safeness. He waited until the day after Valentines, so he didnt have to spend a nickle on me. It was good until days before my birthday in June, then he broke up with me but at 2AM the day after my birthday he was back. Texting me, missing me, loved me. Perfect, the birthday was over and not acknowledged. I'd gotten my divorce settlement, take him to Vegas, buy him expensive PGA tickets, baseball, hockey tickets, rock band, computer shit, clothes, shoes, whatever he wanted. In 3 years he has given me 2 DVD's, ear buds and a blanket. That is for every event. Birthdays, anniversarys, Christmas, everything. But I was to cook, clean, be on call, buy his groceries, he had no money, jump when he said jump, be perfect, do what I was told, when I was told and all was right with the world. More breakups, more make-ups. Every time if I would balk about feeling used, undervalued, his drinking with his friends or ignoring me for days/weeks on end I was put out like trash. I never understood. How do you love on Sunday and hate to the point of 'you are garbage' by Tuesday. I always forgave, tried to forget, thinking he made me happy. The very little I got I was to not complain about. The minute I did or disrupted a party night or event for him I was ignored, discarded once again, a used kleenex.
This man has been so drunk that when I've asked to him to just sleep he put a knife to his throat and told me he'd kill himself. He's asked me to go to the kitchen get a knife, stab him in the head and kill him. He has told me my father (who I adored and is now dead) never loved me and that I deserved the beatings I got from my stepfather. I told him these things because I thought I could trust him. When I balked and fought back because it hurt me immensly he told me I was garbage and put me out again. Everything always turned to benefit him. I was not allowed feelings or to stand up for myself or to resist anything he said. I was to shut up and take it and if I did nothing then I was a good girl and rewarded. If I took the stand my real brain told me to and told him how horrible, drunk, pathetic and disgusting he was well you know the door I was shown.
In Dec 09, 4 days before Christmas he'd been driving my car, I took it to drive home and my transmission went out on a 4 lane major interstate. I called him and told him I was scared and stranded, he told me to call him back then turned his phone off and left me. In a city where I have no friends, on a major interstate, where the weather was zero degrees and I had no options. I called my boss, basically the only friend I feel like I have, who obviously must think I'm the epitome of pathetic. XN called me 5 hours later and I would not answer, nor would answer any call of his after that. I was car less, scared, so angry I'd been left out there and he turned it on me and told me I was crazy, unreasonable and ridiculous. Of course. No Christmas for me, no New Years. He left a doormat in a plastic bag for me. A doormat!!!! How appropriate. He took his gifts, new shoes, clothes, which he desperately needed. Gifted for his son. BTW, he'd let me around a lot before then, weekends with his son. I brought food, cooked for them, catered and was used more. They both treated me pretty bad. The 3rd week of January 2010 I'd been sick for days, I went to the doctor, I was pregnant, ectopic pregnancy. I told him. He told me I was disgusting, that it wasnt his baby. The shots to dissolve the pregnancy didnt work and my tube ruptured, I had to have emergency surgery. He was more than willing to be back as soon as that evil baby was no longer an option. I was left with thousands in medical bills. I was left with a horrible broken heart but You know, not his problem. Back together again! Break up before my birthday. We email, tease, break up, make up. Every time I feel like he changed, he never did. I'd push back about something and I was shown my place on the proverbial curb.
All this time, every time, my anger grew. I lashed out, I text message terrorized. I was angry and mean. I felt guilty and horrible, I felt mad and crazy, just as he said. I went to treatment, to therapy, I emailed his parents and told them what a horrible scum bag he was. I fought hard, for me. I always knew this was a sickness so dark. I have spent hours in the car with drunk and high XN. I have been called whore, endlessly, for hours, punched, told to go F other men for money, that's all I'm good for. I have gone when called for, done when told what to do, given up everyone and everything in my life to sustain this sickness. After one breakup and drunken bad fight, he locked me out (AGAIN) and after a couple of hours of him not answering the phone or door I rammed his garage door with my car. I got a DWI that night after he called the police and told them I had a gun. That has left me barely able to buy food for myself or be mobile. I think maybe the stress made me so sick I have been in the hospital twice and they found a growth in my colon on a CT scan. I wont have the colonoscopy they tell me they need to determine what it is. I just cannot take more bad news right now. I'm afraid it will kill me.
When does it stop? He had me where he wants me. All family and friends estranged. Alone. Broke. Scared. Where did my life go? My strength, my spirit, my sense of right and wrong?
I feel crazy, a lot. I let him back even after he gave me a criminal record when I have lived my life free of all of that. It came down to him making plans with me and standing me up because he could not tell his friend that he and I had plans. I went ballistic. I have been devalued and made to sit on the sidelines and wait to be told when I'd get to have time with him, where, how, how much, how we'd have sex, what I'd cook, how I'd behave. Every time my anger got worse and I fought back harder. Every time I've been told what a nut I am. I think I was just fighting for my dear life. For what I know is good and beautiful and still respectful, in me.
Today I wrote his eulogy to him. I wish he was dead, although I'd never do anything to hurt him I'd love nothing more than to expose him. I want him to hurt every hurt he's caused me. To his parents who enable his bad behavior by believing all his lies. He knows how to manage and decieve his funds enough to drink, gamble, lie and keep them funding him. I know broke. Broke isnt eating out several nights a week or pool league at the bar, or bowling or nights out drinking, any of that. I'm so broke I can't buy food or leave my house except to work. The friend I have left brings me food, has helped me with money for gas and getting my license back. But there's no nights out, no movies, no meals out, no fun. How can he? He owes me thousands, I'll never see it. But you know, I'm just the crazy girl. How he has no thought, remorse, feelings about the situation he's put and left me in but continues on with his life as if there never was a life with us, medical bills, thousands for what he owes me when I financed his good times, his whims, his total fucking bullshit lies.
I miss so many things about the life I used to have. Boring. How horrible. What this pig did to me and my beautiful wonderful soul is the tragedy. Will I ever be whole again? Will I ever trust another human being? I cant have anyone even touch me or put their arms around me. Will I ever forget enough to feel and have anything normal again?
I do not think I will survive another round of this. He emailed today and I could not look at it. I go and look at pictures of the bruises he has left on me so many times. The pictures of our baby I had living inside of me. My zero bank account. My legal bills and the financial devastation. How many days I went hungry and told him and he would not even respond or help. This tragedy, well it's my life now. I want to save me. I used to be kind and loving, helpful, wonderful, giving, sweet, strong. I'm broke, broken and sick now. I'm alone and scared. I want my life back.