LinaS´s story

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#1 Nov 18 - 11AM
LinaS
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LinaS´s story

I don´t really know if my ex-boyfriend is a narcissist. But my therapist thinks that he is. And after reading up on this subject I think she´s right. This is my story. It´s rather long, and I have to apologize if my English is a bit strange since it´s not my first language.

I guess I have always known that something was wrong with my ex-boyfriend. We first met on the internet about four years ago, and from the start he was “not really right”. On our first date he told me that he had been with his ex-wife for six years, but during the whole time had had this really profound relationship with a woman in the US, the woman of his dreams. Finally he had slept with this woman a few weeks after getting married, and then left his wife. On our second date he admitted that he had broken up in a really hurtful way with his most recent girlfriend just a few weeks ago.

But he was so charming and intense, and somehow everything made sense when he told me about it, so I continued seeing him. Two weeks later he called us girlfriend and boyfriend. The next day he called me from England to break up with me. He had met this wonderful woman on the flight, and he wanted to pursue her instead.

I wasn´t very hurt, after all we had only been seeing each other for two weeks, and we stayed friends. From time to time I got little updates about his frenzied life of travelling and romancing. After breaking up with me he went back to his old girlfriend, cheated on her with a new girl, moved in with this new girl, had three miscarriages, cheated on her, moved on to another girl and got dumped. And then, two years after our first brief affair he called me, on the same day that his girlfriend broke up with him, wanting to get together.

I should have known better, but I was really depressed right then, and needed something. And he became this something, something that brought adventure and light into my life. At first I told myself it was just a fling, a way to see a little bit of the world with this really exciting but crazy guy. But after a while I fell in love. He was just so loving and open and caring. Even though he kept telling me every bad thing about himself, I believed his explanations, and his promises that everything was different this time.

A few months later he broke up with me, probably because I had just told him that I loved him. He returned six weeks later, and I let him back into my life again. This time it lasted for two years.

During our whole relationship I have struggled to turn a blind eye to all his flirting and his inappropriate friendships with other women. Every time he has been away (and he travels a lot) I have had trouble sleeping, not being sure where he was sleeping, or if he was with another woman. He has constantly been in touch with other women, calling them, chatting with them, meeting them. He has this amazing ability to meet women on his travels and befriending them instantly. I have tried to tell myself that they were just friends, and that I shouldn´t be jealous. But it has been really hard, even though I´m not normally a jealous person. I guess it´s because he has always in a subtle way made me aware of the competition.

Last fall he cheated on me. One of my best friends was very ill and had to have an operation, and all my focus was on her. Then one weekend he just disappeared, and came home to tell me that he had slept with someone else. He begged for forgiveness, and I forgave him.

Things got better after that, or at least that´s what I told myself. And then I got pregnant. We were both happy, and I guess for the first time I started to really see this relationship as something that would last. My ex promised that he would never leave his child, and for the first time we started making plans for the future, real plans, not made-up fantasies (something that he´s an expert of). He even wanted to get married. Before that, every time I would mention any kind of commitment he would back away. We lived together, but in my apartment, with my things. It was as if he was a guest in my life, just as he had been a guest in every other girlfriend´s life before me. But that seemed to change when I got pregnant.

After three months, I lost the baby. It was a really painful experience. I lost a lot of blood, my hormones were raging and I was grieving my baby. I really needed my boyfriend, the father of my child, right then. And for the first two or three weeks after the miscarriage he was really there for me. He comforted me, and he even found out how soon we could try again to have another baby.
But the next week he called me and told me he couldn´t do this anymore. He had to end our relationship. Then he told me he had met this other woman. They had maybe seen each other two or three times, and he was in love with her. The explanation that he gave me for leaving me for her was that “unlike you, she likes to drive a car really fast and wants to move to California.”

And just like that he was out of my life. He didn’t even bother to call me to find out if the last remains of our baby were out of my body. He just came to get his things and moved on.

I haven´t heard from him since then, and I have kept myself from contacting him. At first the pain was almost unbearable. But it´s getting better. And reading up on narcissists and trying to understand how they work has really helped me. Because it´s all so confusing. I have always seen myself as a rational and rather intelligent human being. How could I let myself fall in love with someone that so obviously was bound to hurt me? And how can a person turn from being the most loving, caring individual in the world into this cold and selfish man that leaves me when I need him the most? It´s all so very hard to understand.

I have had a difficult time getting angry. I was just so used to protecting him and explaining his shortcomings that it came as natural to me as breathing.
But I´m getting there, and I hope that I will heal and that I will eventually meet someone else that knows how to love and to be true. And I hope that I will never be weak enough to let my ex back into my life, if he comes back.

Jan 10 - 9PM
ally2375
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Lina's story

I am so sorry, Lina. You didn't deserve to be treated like that - no one does. My therapist says that, for a Narcissist, life is a constant search. These men look high and low for that "perfect" love. They want the woman who anticipates their every need, lives to serve, never needs anything themselves. Since this cannot exist, the Narcissist moves from woman to woman, doomed to always be alone no matter how many women he may trick into bed. I've had a hard time being angry, too. Maybe it isn't necessary to healing, I don't know. But I will never allow myself to be with a man who lies, cheats or discounts my emotions ever again. I hope you won't either.