'Outing him' discussion...

It was the openly gay professor who "outed" the ex-P to me, told me to stand up to the ex-P, demand some respect, to NOT listen to him, etc. I think there was an affair of sorts between the ex-P and the gay professor, because they acted like squabbling ex-boyfriends. The ex-P was angry that the gay professor had happily moved on, and referred to the gay professor as a "man scorned." The gay professor had the ex-P's personality nailed down to a T. He was a guardian angel in disguise (a fairy godmother, perhaps?) His warnings came true. I didn't dismiss the gay professor completely;I did follow his advice to an extent. In a sense, it helped me to break free. I probably would've dated or married the ex-P if it HADN'T been for the gay professor. However, I did NOT "out" the ex-P to the OW. Yes, she had been in an LDR with him. She had been in LA for the past several years;she didn't see him firsthand. She would've dismissed me as a crazy,hysterically in love student ANYHOW. I saw it as a no-win situation. I didn't even bother "outing" him to her;she was a decade older than me, she was moving in with him... she was going to find out for herself and in a more profound way because she was living with him. I didn't even get to the dating stage. Heck, when I told the ex-P "Go be happy with the OW, because you're not happy with me. We're always fighting." I COMMANDED him to be HAPPY with her. Besides, I liked her.

Ok, I am going to go against almost everyone here. I let everyone know. I told everyone that would listen what he did to me and you know what I found out... Almost all of them actually thought he was a total tool!! They all said he was a pompous delusional ass and that I dodged a bullet. We used to work together and I made sure that everyone the worked with him or for him for the past 10 years knew what he did. The one person I didn't tell he is working for now. She will figure it out soon enough but not before her company pays him thousands of dollars in income. He always told me that the reason people were so nice to us was because he was such a great guy when the reality is that it was because of me :)!! I still work with most of these people and I keep in touch with the others. Do what makes you feel better. Stick to the facts and don't get emotional!

Don't do it everyone will think your crazy. Not your job to save them you have to worry about saving yourself. I know you secretly want to punish him but it won't work. The worst punishment to them is being ignored. I outted mine to him. I wrote him an email. It wasn't angry or completely devoid of emotion. I put just enough but also made it somewhat clinical in nature. Discussing his lack of empathy and introspection. I stuck to the facts only suggesting that he read up on the silent treatment that its emotional abuse and that its not something he will find varying opinions on. I also told him he should apologize but I knew he would rather die than do so. I told him that he had had one failed relationship after another and that I had not (fact) I just tried to be as clinical as possible injecting just enough compassion and anger so that it didn't look like I was acting out him. I outted him as a means of self preservation as I know it probably mad him mad enough to never speak to me again I guess u could say I sprayed myself with narc repellant

Here's why it won't work the way you'd like it to. You knew your Narc INTIMATELY. In a way these other people never will. It is us who get to know the Narc very intimately that experience the piece of shit they really are. Their more casual contacts are blissfully ignorant, and will probably remain so, unless they live with him or get into a lover relationship with him. The second thing is, this awareness you have of your exNarc is something you got DIRECTLY, experientially. This is a whole different kind of "learning about someone" than any other way. Direct experience is the most powerful and complete way of knowing something. Direct experience cannot be communicated to another person. If they experience what YOU experienced themselves, you will be preaching to the choir. Otherwise, they'll "hear" you, and will not understand you, the way you hope to be understood. Now if I was your friend, but didn't know your Narc, and you told me, I would get it instantly. Because I have my own direct experience with a Narc. It is a hard thing to accept, that we can't "out" them. It is a true frustration, because it is SO obvious they are destructive, and will continue to be destructive, and who wouldn't want to warn other people??? It just doesn't work that way. Chances are, if you pursue "outing" him, you will try and out him to a person who invalidates you and sends you . . . spinning (lol). Ask me how I know. That's why we have these communities here. We all get it, and most of the rest of the world does not get it. It means a lot to have your important friends and acquaintances validate you. But you have to accept that some of them just cannot do it. It's not their fault. It means they haven't had the direct experience of a Narc, that is all.

I was tormented by this too. I wanted everyone to know what a liar and a cheat the N was. Even recently I wanted the OW to know that he was using her as a cover for his 'downlow' life because it would be horrible to live with if she were to contract HIV when I knew what he was doing. In the early days, I did tell numerous friends, some of them clients of his that were my friends, and I remember some of the looks of disbelief and some looks of 'not giving a damn' as well. Eventually, I realized that the more I talked the more 'crazy' I appeared. And I won't deny I was still in an outrage by it all. I found that it was and has been better just to comment from time to time in a very sane, non passionate way, and leave it alone. There are other people who know about his double life that could warn the OW's. Over time I have come to hear that he is slowly being exposed. Many of his clients no longer invite him to their events outside his business anymore. And one ask another if everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. They found out on their own. People really really don't get it unless they have experienced it themselves. Sorry if I wasn't very helpful but this was my experience. almostlydia

If they want to believe that your exN walks on water, let them. Honestly you just need to be responsible for yourself and getting yourself healed. There is NO closure with the N, no real way to get him back where he isn't somehow the victim. Find a friend who doesn't know the N...isn't part of that inner circle and confide in that person.