I sure do remember it, very well :) It can come right back, too, and does. The last few days, I'm exhausted from work and moving and stress, and so OF COURSE I have these intrusive thoughts about HIM.
If I had a secret video cam on me, the watchers would think I was schizophrenic, the past couple of days . . . I live alone and suddenly I'll say outloud, "That fucking PRICK!" because I'm having a flashback/memory about something or another.
He and I were always doing home improvements, and I'm laying tile etc in the new place I'm moving too, so no wonder the triggers :( .
Shortway, I see YOU as on the brink of learning something new. That anger is a feeling, not an action. When you are angry, you can feel it and fume away, but being angry doesn't automatically mean ACT OUT ON IT. I'm speaking to your previous post from yesterday, too.
I thought that yelling or confronting angrily WAS being "angry". I didn't see that anger was a feeling that I CHOSE to act out on.
Being angry with your exN is perfect, you need to be!!
But acting it out, by breaking NC and yelling at him . . . honey, that is just harrassing him. There is no dignity in this, even if it feels good for a little while. Sometimes you have to try and see what you look like from other people's points of view. From an objective point of view, this guy dumped you and has not contacted you directly at all. You are the one reinitiating contact every time, mainly to berate him. This is harrassment.
He deserves your anger, but YOU deserve your dignity.
Make the "break" in your head between feeling the anger and acting out on it.
Use the anger energy to exercise or do some other very physical activity. It is a real energy, and it can make you sick if you don't get it out.
You say you won't be stuck in this cycle, but you HAVE BEEN all this time. You swear up and down you are done, and then the anger comes up (as it should!!) and the energy from it builds and then you break NC to let him have it.
That's a waste of your anger energy. Use it for yourself. He is a NARC and any attention you give him is candy.
Hold up your head and don't resort to harrassing him. Yes, you ARE harrassing him. Try to see this from an objective POV.
...If I had a secret video cam on me, the watchers would think I was schizophrenic, the past couple of days . . . I live alone and suddenly I'll say outloud, "That fucking PRICK!" because I'm having a flashback/memory about something or another...
I do that too! Only sometimes it's not in the privacy of my own home.
I was walking down a busy street and "I hate you" came flying out of my mouth. Fortunately, if anyone heard they didn't let on.
Even though I am in the acceptance stage (which I've been erroneously calling indifference) - I still get angry at what he did and mortified by what I've done.
I just don't let it live with me, so to speak.
Well i didn't do well with being lured in to thinking we could "have peace"..or maintain the friendship..each time I was tricked..And mad..As anyone would be..So yes,he got a mouth full.he has messed my life up for 2mths..Me financially with all his text messaging while I was in europe,ruining my reputation almost,verbally absuing me,...i can care less if I was harrassing him with how I felt..I have a right to stand up for myself..I didnt call him names,threaten he..He is the one using the threats..I just wanted to make sure he knows to stay out of my life..and I mean it this time....Sorry I'm not going away cowering..I finally stood up for my self fully and let him know what I really thought..Already did it..So since then Ihave been great..Since I blocked and cancellled the facebook account..it takes 14 days..but in the meantimes i still get notifications to anything new on my other email address..it said he posted a picture...Did I go and reset the password to see what it is..??Nope!!..Im letting the 14 days run out..So I've been progressing in other ways.
I agree you are progressing :)
You have a long way to go, though. Like we ALL do at first.
You blasted him YESTERDAY. That's not very much time. This has happened before (look to your previous posts) and within a few days, the satisfaction of blasting him wears off and you find yourself needing to blast him again.
Go back and look at your previous posts. I'm not trying to rub your nose in it, honey. Just do this and see the CYCLE. Even if this is the LAST time you ever contact him (I very much hope so!) you have BEEN in a cycle.
History tends to repeat itself. You are a human being. You will have cyclical emotions and urges. I'll bet my next paycheck that in a few days, you'll be wanting like HELL to let him have it again. Mark my words, here.
Why am I so sure?? Because I was THERE, in your shoes :D You don't have unique shoes, at least I hope you are beginning to see that now. We aren't just a bunch of pathetic LOSERS on this board, we are women who've gone through almost identical dilemmas, reactions and feelings. You are one of us.
One more bit of food for thought, on "going away cowering".
So you equate going complete NC with him, complete silence and letting go as "cowering"?
If you do think that . . . then you are definitely one of us :D HOWEVER: I have had NC for three years, I never got to say ONE SINGLE WORD to him about what he did, that I'll have to live with for the rest of my life and honey, I did NOT go away cowering!!
I lost my complete ass financially. I'll never live long enough to make it all back. My retirement age will be SEVERELY less comfortable because of him. And that's just money. What he did to my heart and soul, my relationships with my children, my family and friends, my reputation in the town we lived in . . . it was equivalent to the financial loss. I KNOW loss, I know irretrievable loss. I'm stuck with it.
He deserves to be hung upside down in a room filled to the five foot mark with pig shit. And lifted out of it every minute or so to get his breath so he can be dipped back down. I'm not the only life he almost destroyed, either, so I'd do it for his ex wife, his mother and whatever other women he's victimized or will victimize in his life.
That's how I feel. I'm not telling you to chill out because I don't GET your anger, Shortway, or because I don't understand how much he hurt and damaged you.
I'm telling you to chill out because it will stop the suffering and pain. You will heal and get out of this squirrel cage of cyclic "I feel just fine but in a few days I have to blast him". You will heal and attract a much better "grade" of man, one worth marrying hopefully.
No "good" man is going to be turned on by a woman who has to blast her ex every four or five days, who can't stop thinking about her ex snickering with his new woman. That is a turn off, my friend :( .
For the sake of your future and future relationships, you got to chill out :) .
It doesn't work any other way, not that I've ever seen. You might as well stop trying to blaze your own trail, there is a wide and much easier trail, with lots of signposts and guidance just sitting here waiting for you :)
I understand...But in his saddistic head..He thinks i'm cowering away..Never did I one say that anyone on this board is cowering to their N for going NC or that I'm not one of you guys.If I hear that again I might blow my top..I am not better than anyone because I couldnt go NC without telling him off..I just needed to say what I wanted to say..Going NC for me the first couple of times,was torture..because I was holding back from saying to him how I really felt..I was "cowering" because I was still trying to be friends and tip-toeing around HIm.So me,getting my own self respect back had to change that once and for all an actually MEAN IT THIS TIME..There is no more cycle of going back..it took a few times..This is it...Because I was cowering alot when he cheated because i was vulnerable..My mother said"do not cower to him" the other night..I have nothing left to say to him..I wrote everything I ever wanted to say..
I am talking to someone and he is kind of intertwined with our group..I am not telling him or anyone I date of this man..However,because there might be a run-in with the two of them eventually I might have to tell him,just in case he gets some information from the other end..which is false..I have to protect myself in many ways..I know he will be the first to try to ruin this situation with this man for me...So I am trying to let it play out..But I really don't want to tell him..However,another man who knows the N and hates him is an acquaintance to this guy..if anyhting I'll just have him tell him his true colors...Because you know how they like to say we're the crazy ones....As for now he is a good friend....So I don't want to hear'you need to heal and aren't ready blah blah blah...I'm on my own pathway..We each need to do what's right with our own twist because we are all different and our situations are different..Do all N's have the same behavior,probably..but I don't have the same reactions as others..and I'm sorry..just had to be done..
I will make it short and sweet - what you did yesterday is done.
Going forward, try to understand you are not dealing with a rational human being.
When you rant and give him an earful, this fuels him. This makes him feel like he has even more "justification" for treating you like shit because what they do in their head is justify the evil they do.
SO...although you are justified for feeling angry, to him, on some level, he was right no matter what - and when you rant...in his head, you just reinforce for him, he had every right.
They're sick bastards. They will never see what they did, they have no rules and no boundaries. Even if you tell him to back off or whatever, these guys don't live by the same rules at all they are in their own world...you can't reach him, it doesn't matter what you say. It feels good to you for the moment, but then he will go brag to his friends how desperate, and on his shit you are...that's what they do!!!
Mine later told me a bunch of freaking crack heads thought I was bi-polar!!! WTF...and WHY? Because you are feeding his ego each time...it doesn't matter WHAT you say, what you do, you could curse his mother out...he still orgasms from it...seriously!!! And they rewrite the script with thier buddies.
That is what I think Brieseis is trying to get you to understand, you can rant all you want - everyday if you like we can't hold you back - but you will have no effect and just when you think the storm is calm, more shit will surface it will be a neverending cycle so be angry....I wake up angry every day and for days and days and days I ripped him a new asshole I did I got the tee shirt -but see the MFer was not affected and I just got more and more wound up to the brink of insanity while the prick probably sat back and laughed!
When I stopped, it got more manageable. Sorry, it didn't turn out as short as I thought it would. But part of showing him who has the power is NC, because that is the one thing he can't control. To them any attention is attention.
Good luck.
Was being mocked. He'd ridicule other people (including me) cruelly... but he HATED HATED being mocked. Very bizarre.
Telling him "what you did hurt my feelings and angered me" would only fuel the fire. But humor is something his little brain can't process.
For him, being mocked was WORSE than being a source of anger. He fed off of anger. He LIKED seeing me angry. So, when I stopped being angry in his presence... he was confused.
And humor? That's just something he didn't get.
So,the "all attention is just attention" doesn't exactly ring true. Ns/Ps thrive on conflict. They LOVE anger.
But ridiculing them? They don't get it.
"I understand...But in his saddistic head..He thinks i'm cowering away.."
Right here. That's it. That is the biggest REAL problem I see you as having.
Ask yourself why you give a flying fart what meaning he assigns to your actions?
You are having these thoughts. Not him. He's with his new victim and mostly ignoring you.
Do you really believe his opinion of you is coming outside of his body, and creeping up to and crawling in your head?
Have you ever questioned WHY you keep reacting to thoughts you THINK he is having?
I'm riding you on this because THIS is what we all do. Not just you. Part of being damaged by Narc relationships is that our own self gets driven out of our head and thinking HIS thoughts invades in, and then we spend so much of our precious life and energy reacting to the Narc Voice in our head. The narc isn't even THERE, but his voice is there.
Do you wish his voice would get out of your head? Yes or no?
When the ex-Psych professor sabotaged my teacher education program at UNM, I would've been perfectly justified in confronting him. He had given me a letter of recommendation-I had gotten into the program (and it's an exclusive one, they take very few candidates) I had been it for a month... and then I get false accusations of being "dangerous to children." Talk about the ultimate mindfrack.
For once, I was TOO angry to talk to him. I've never been so angry that it's left me paralyzed. There were no words.
Still, I stayed NC. When I left town, I didn't tell anyone.
Believe me, I was angry. The ex-P OBVIOUSLY wanted a fight... or to see me wretched and in tears. He WANTED to see me destroyed. I DENIED him that. NC doesn't always mean losing.
He wanted fight. I know he wanted me to fight his fiancee for him.
And I withheld in the BIGGEST way. NC is the ultimate withholding, especially if the N/P relishes conflict. They're like toddlers. The conflict is the candy. And you're taking it away from them. It's like the parents who have their kids give their Halloween candy to the dentist without enjoying a single one.
HIs voice is slowly getting out..I feel as if I have killed the bug with my last email..ANd its like dying a slow death..Now I am a little better...However,I am going to a bar across the street from his apartment complex so it will be a big test tonight....not to drive straight over there drunk and drag him out of his apt...lol..But as I saw I'm making a quick left outta there..physically and trying to mentally..
I just don't want to focus on his voice being in my head or not..it's not what I want to do..it will manifest if I do that..I'm trying not to focus on what he is trying to do by get in my head...Sorry I cannot focus on the negative here..If I do,it will halt my recovery..I can't focus on anything him-related..I"m at the stage if I do,I will be more angry and tempted to look on Fb etc..I cannot be broke to that thinking right now..
I gotta run to work but I'll check back in when I get a break, and I'll look for your responses, OK?
I don't know quite what to say about this last one. Examining yourself, getting honest, exploring yourself . . . that is not focusing on the negative at all. But I hear you saying that it is for you, and I respect that.
I am not asking you to focus on anything HIM related.
I'm asking you to focus on yourself. I sense that you are confused about what that means. If it is confusing, or seems like I'm asking you to think negatively about yourself (ie, feel guilt or shame) then you are misunderstanding me.
I am just trying to keep to this one last email..In the past I have weakened after I ended it and told him off...and I came back and said "let's at least be friends'...If I weaken now I will weaken to him...I just know it...SO I'm trying to not feel I did the wrong thing,guilt,etc..Because if i do I will retract..I am also dealing with a drug addict..so the tendency to "feel bad"..is there because you tend to feel sorry for the person..So if I go there in my head right now it is the worst thing I can do....Well I think I am on my path forward and since he is still infiltrating my head if i examine it..it will come alive again full force at this point..i am at the point I am letting it die a slow death....and I feel it is..Better and better in time..with the exercises of NC and failing,then back on the horse..I just need to silence the voice in my head that brings me to that dark place...I examined it too much and I get stuck...Literally stuck..I'll sit with my mother and go over and over it..i want to be mentally free from examining..I am trying to do that now..I am trying to not"go there"..I have beat it all to a pulp...I am going to fall weak,,but i want to conecntrate on my strength right now and built on it....built on me...Just the "me" part..Like me being able to meet a new guy tonight as a friend..me being able to get through the interview with my head held high..me being able to drive out of the parking lot tonight and not want to drive to his house crying drunk..since it is across the street..I need to be strong tonight...I was already crying outside his house wanting to talk to him before i left for europe...and I found out he wouldnt mmet wit hme,because he was going out with the OW that night and meeting her friends for the first time..one week after i caught him...I need to be strong today..i will be around the nightmare area where it all went down...I don't want to have flashbacks of the OW laughing through the door when she heard me banging on it when I caught him..I want to look at the apartment complex and saw good riddens devils spawn..Instead of feeling weak today..I'm just trying to not"go there" today...
But if I may suggest, don't get drunk...you can have a drink, but don't try to get buzzed...it is a depressant and it might trigger other things as well.
I've shied away from drinking during this time because it gets your mind going all kinds of places and usually makes me feel worse.
If you want a social drink, fine, but don't think that drinking tonight and going after that major buzz will help...it won't...it will pull you down...
I speak from experience my dear, and I love going after a buzz from time to time but right now...no can do unless I really want to feel messed up...
I don't think Briseis was saying that you want to have him in your head. In fact, I think she was saying the opposite. That you do need to concentrate on you and your life, and don't worry about what he thinks of you or what he says about you. And it's great that you are on your way to that.
All of us need to focus on the positive and not the negative (N) in our lives. And really committing to NC will help us all do that. It gives us the clarity to think of ourselves, what we want, and what matters to us. For the first time in a long time.
"Already did it..So since then Ihave been great"
I didnt mean I am doing great..i mean in other ways I am progressing..going out tonight with a girlfriend,her boyfriend and a guy....I have a job interview next week..preparing for my sister's wedding..going solo and I"m fine with that..Everything else is looking up.
From my experience the anger stage is on the beginning of the recovery. I am not expert, but i went through anger stage as well..but no worries we all have to go through this, after you will accept the situation you will get rid of anger too, but to achieve it you need to go NC, otherwise i do not think it is possible. You need to cut the manipulative bastard out of your life, and with the time it will just get better and better.
You need to detox from him! Stop arguing with him. Don't you see that it is getting you nowhere? He doesn't care what you think and it is just keeping you on the dark side. You are engaging him and he is engaging you. Please go NC immediately. Soon after, your anger will at least get down to normal levels.
All of this is affecting your health. Our bodies react to stress is very odd ways sometimes. If you back away from him and start to let it go, your body will react in a positive way. You've read where people stopped having back pain, asthma attacks, migraines, colds and viruses, just by the N being out of their lives. It is true, this happens. I had constant heartburn near the end of my marriage. A while after it was over, I noticed that I hadn't had heartburn in a long time.
Congrats on the job interview, and I wish you good luck!! Take care of your body, and the best first step is to detox from the narc. Good luck!
Thanks..You are right..It's just frustrating.I really wish we weren't in the same group of friends..All our friends are in the same town..and we are both very close with this family of people..Although I wont run into him hopefully..He is still one person away like 7degress of kevin bacon..lol..You are right..Thanks,My main goal is to buy my own place hopefully in March so I am taking on a third job..You are correct...I am not opening the can of worms anymore..That was the last of it.I guess I need to detox from the last bout..It's just I walk around with alot boiled up..My mother knows everything..But she doesn't know he blocked her home phone..She would be really hurt and mad..I feel bad for her as well.We let this person live with us..So not only did the N live off me,but also my mother..So I am double-angry.
I'm not saying it's easy, but it is necessary to get away from him as much as possible.
And for what it's worth, I am double-angry for you too!
Let the OW be "the winner". Soon she will realize you are the real winner because she will be where you are now, and you will be far, far ahead in your recovery.
Thanks!...I am getting away from him..i want it to be 100%..He is no good,brings me down to say the least..I need someone that will lift me up..I'm just trying to not go over it in my head anymore..I don't go over things such as
1-what happened
2-is he happy
not that,i just go over..i hope he knows to stay clear because i am angry..I am actually happy I am finally fully angry..I don't know what is wrong with me that I wasn't fully angry when I caught him hanging out with a girl...I mean I was definetly angry..but I was willing to let him in..But not there is no letting him in...Wish I was like this back then.
All the advice is good advice and all so logical but our hearts just have a mind of their own it seems and this betrayal is so deep I have never found the right words to describe it. I went off on the exN for a long time, I couldn't find the way to detox from all the anger, it was eating me alive every night, with fitful nights and all day. I never considered it harassment because the man harassed and stalked me for years to get me back, would succeed and then betray me again, I couldn't care less if it was harassment. It wasn't in his mind at all it was more positive supply from me. It was my letting him know he still had me, still was effecting my life, still had control over me. Maybe this is what finally detoxed me from doing it anymore - knowing it was good supply for him. I don't know, I just know it was a terrible horrible time and I guess could only be equated with the early days of a drug withdrawal. The good news is it does slowly end. I can't say that the anger ever fully goes away, as I was angry again yesterday even, but it ceases to rule your life. As terribly hard as it is TRY to appreciate and understand the full force of NC, complete silence. This is what sends the loudest message. You have made your 'nor cowering' anger very clear now, silence will make your strength absolute. When you understand that he ENJOYS every angry word from you, give him nothing to enjoy from you anymore.
I do believe that when we get past anger, we go into grief and that has an anger attached to it as well. It is not the same outrage as in this earlier stage, but another kind of anger. That is what I felt yesterday, and I haven't seen the exN in 8 mos or so.
Good luck to you shortway,with your interview and finding your way to detoxing from this anger. You are making wonderful plans for your future. The more you do this, the more you will let go of the anger.
almostlydia
Thank you almostlydia..Right on point..I am at the point this anger is diffusing slowly after this last contact...I feel more free and at peace then having him in my life...i cannot belive how toxic,nasty,vile,abusive,nasty,this man is..I dont want to be in his radar or radius..There will be silence..and no snooping..I just dont care to care anymore for him..How could i care for such a disrespectful demon..He can be left with the new OW and his drugs..and when he is left alone I hope he stews in all he has done to me and it finally resonates...one day..Thats my only hope..But I will let god ultimately deal with him..i am outta there.....WOmen should never be treated disresctufly by men..I think it is the most vile of sins..He even refers to the mother of his brother's child a B++++..Thats her mother..No thank you..I am only happy I didnt get pregnant or marry him and have to deal with him calling me the b++++ and having to deal with him..I'm setting myself free...shortly..but surely
This is the best thing to remember always, what you said '.But I will let god ultimately deal with him..i am outta there..' this is the art of letting go. It is not easy by any means, but it is necessary. And I think there may always be pieces left, to remind us, but it is the only way. I can tell you are realizing this for yourself. There is a lot of thinking to finally get to this conclusion and even moreso to living it. but I see you are getting there, and that is a great thing. Stay strong, you know you don't ever want to go back so the only way to go is forward.:)
almostlydia
good luck...and you will be free.. even the bible says and the truth shall set you free.... and now you know the truth, it will set you free...it will be difficult and rocky, but we will all be here for you i know its hard, how they get under your skin..like a parasite, but you will get therexxx
the anger stage
OMG me too
Well i didn't do well with
I agree you are progressing
I understand...But in his
Shortway
The only thing that got under the ex-P's skin...
Shortway
Going NC as cowering... not exactly...
HIs voice is slowly getting
Shortway
I am just trying to keep to
Hope its not too late
I don't think Briseis was
Thank you MsV
"Already did it..So since
From my experience the anger
Shortway,
Thanks..You are right..It's
I'm not saying it's easy,
Thanks!...I am getting away
shortway
almostlydia
Thank you almostlydia..Right
This is the best thing to
almostlydia
and another thing, you get
almostlydia
shortway