'fitting in'

It's wonderful that you could post this and say how you feel--as others have said, due to our relationships and situations we've had to be strong and stoic so much and we are natural cheerleaders for others and want to help others. To admit that we aren't wonderwomen and need help ourselves is so healthy. I sometimes don't thin we realize how much armor we have on, since we've lived in such a twisted world. I wasn't hit, but I was sexually abused for almost 20 years. Some of the things I allowed, or even went along with, are so shameful to me now. I talk about it pretty matter-of-factly but the scars are deep. This to say, sometimes I feel "other" and like I don't fit in too. I've often felt this way in groups, like somehow I'm out of sync, on the outer edge of the circle. I believe that both the Ns in my life picked up on that and exploited it. Anyway...don't know if this helps but while we all have our own versions of the Narc story, at the base we all fit here and can heal here.

You are safe here to be you, and to find who that is again. You are safe here. almostlydia

You're a very STRONG woman. Your victory in court shows it. You have strength of character. What you went through... you didn't deserve. But you definitely belong here. There's nothing "odd" about you.

Abuse is Abuse. Period. Doesn't matter the magnitude of it. My ex N didn't whallop me, but the only difference between you and me is that I had the better fortune to get out before it got that bad. Believe me, looking back, it was going to get that bad, because he started to act out his frustration by smashing his hand into walls, screaming at the top of his lungs inches from my face, grabbing my wrist to restrain me, and throwing objects in my direction. Do you think it would have gotten worse? I certainly believe so. We are all in good company here.

Please read my post from yesterday. I also questioned wheter I fit in or not. My ex, I am sure has narcissistic personality traits and he was extremely physical abusive to me, he did try to strangle me several times and beat the crap out of me. I am from Europe where NPD is not a diagnosis as it is in USA. The behaviour of NPD is defined under the term anti-social, which is very confusing, because they obviously aren't the same. Both my ex and I are high-educated, he is a CEO, and I'm a student of university... I still can't believe he is the way he is, and that he was so abusive to me, education and violence just don't mix in my naive world, still... But after reading a lot of post on this site, well, actually it does mix.. Today my ex is living in a fancy neigborhood, has a new girlfriend with a good career, many friends, money and so on and on, it all look so good from the outside, probably why we can't get the real deal... Deep inside I know he is shit, but I don't know it in my heart yet, only logically, so by sharing this with you, I can tell you, YOU do fit in, I can tell, as you probably can tell my ex is a shit and a narc if you read my, and the other members post. and I guess your boyfriend told you that you were to sensitive and didn't fit in? That is a big lie. If you were abused, of course you are now very sensitive, any normal person would be!

The fact that you have reached out and opened your heart with exactly how you are feeling speaks volumes. Ptsd can be debilitating, in many ways it can feel as devastating as the trauma itself - worse because there isn't the adrenalin rush going on. Be gentle on yourself, ptsd symtoms take time to calm down. Big Hugs to you Desprathousewife, you are amongst understanding folk here. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

There are other gals on this board who have had physical violence. Probably ALL of us have, if you include more covert types of physical violence. Forced sex, being "accidentally" pushed or kicked, being grabbed and shaken, having your exit blocked. I'm with you that being beaten takes it up to another level . . . but I honestly believe it doesn't set you "apart", at least in the eyes of the membership here. Maybe just in YOUR eyes. For some reason? My exN tried to strangle me once, and shook me. He held a clawhammer to my face and told me he would bash my skull in with it. But mostly, he "crashed" into me, kicked me in bed, grabbed me and "moved" me around (he is very big and I'm small). He left bruises and scrapes. Once he let a board fall on me when I was helping him and it scraped my cheek and neck and left a horrible bruise. That was NO accident because he laughed and told me I was a pussy. The next morning when the bruise and scrape showed up he remarked "Now they're going to think I beat the shit out of you." I don't mean at all to diminish, I really hope that's not how I'm coming across. You ARE one of us, just like the gals who's Narc never laid a hand on them are one of us. You are one of millions (probably billions) of women who experienced domestic violence. One of the effects of it is ISOLATION. The shame and fear of it, the PTSD and ongoing symptoms of it can cause a terrible feeling of isolation. It's not true (((((hugs))))). You are where you belong. If being a part of a group who have experienced physical violence sounds helpful, why not find a group in your area to join? But my GOODNESS you are understood and welcomed here. Completely :)

I was married 10 years ago to another Narc. And he physically abused me too. So no, you are not alone, you fit in here very well. I can only tell you, that this N was the dream man of my life. He was caring, he loved me, he hold me in his arms all night, he cooked for me, he gave me gifts, he treated me like a queen....and then he beated the hell out of me. He became very controlling and possessive. And it took me long time to get away from him. I tried to deny what happened, it was like a nightmare, that I pretended it didnt happen, but then he did it again and again and again. I was a mental wreck, I just knew, beating is not ok, and I had to get away from him, And I did, he made depts of more than 10.000 euro at the end, just to punish me. I never told anyone what happened, till I came here, I was over him, I forgave him. And last year we met, again, he helped me moving to my appartment, he told me I was the one for him. His baby mama contacted me and told me he talked all time about me, how great I was, and that he cant forget me, and what a great woman I must be. But he didnt tell her, he beated me. He called me and called me to tell me all the abusive shit about his 100 women, he even explained to me how my N works. He said, he likes to have the control over me, even when he lives so far away, so I stay away from man, though he is not even there. I thank him for telling me how Narcs think, but then I changed my number and never contacted him again, cause I thought, wtf am I doing here, I am friends with this narc, who abused me and left me with depts and he doesnt even make any effort to pay the money back while he travels around the world with his gf. I am over him, and I was right after I left him, cause I knew beating is wrong, it was easier to get over him than the N I met now who abused me emotionally. I hope this helps you, to see you are not alone. Hugs.

You said "I'M NOT. I've been dying inside about what has happened to me. Maybe I'm not expressing myself properly. I have been totally immersed in paranoia for my safety?" You come across very strong. Sometimes we do not like to ask for help. Maybe you are too busy taking care of everyone else and staying strong for them? You need to say your scared, I really had no idea. What are you afraid of? paranoid of? Let me know???? Please btw, I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I have become a cacoon in my life circle. Maybe we hibernate to heal? I'm not expert but that's my opinion.