Having NO empathy is the true hallmark of a Narc

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#1 Oct 5 - 12PM
katmass
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Having NO empathy is the true hallmark of a Narc

I wrote in early last month to try to gain some perspective on NPD and determine whether the 52 yr old man I was having a LDR with was narcissistic. Thanks to many of you for helping me see that he was (or at least had more narcissistic traits than I was willing to put up with). On August 15, I discontinued all contact with him and fought my pangs of wanting to see him, of longing to hear his voice. I have had no contact whatsoever since that time.

Then last week my ex-husband's 25 yr old daughter committed suicide. The loss of a child has got to be the worst thing a parent can bear. This past weekend (two days before her memorial service) I broke down and sent my ex-Narc friend an email asking for his help and comfort during this painful time. I have heard NOTHING from him, not even a "I am sorry for your loss. Take care."

I had only been dating him for 5 months and never had an opportunity to see firsthand his complete and utter lack of empathy. But this is a perfect example of it and from everything I've read about NPD, lack of empathy, of being unable to feel for someone else, is the true hallmark of this disorder.

I am not ashamed that I contacted him. Now I know for sure what he is: One of the walking dead. I feel only pity for him and for all the empty, emotionless narcissists who are unable to feel anything because they loathe themselves and envy those who are feeling and alive.

Thanks for letting me share. To loosely quote Maya Anjelou: When someone tells you what they are, believe them.

Oct 6 - 5PM
imabloke
imabloke's picture

I am so sorry...

I feel for you... the loss, it must be unbearable.. and feel free here to share your thoughts - people here can help you through this difficult time, believe me - they really can . imabloke x
Oct 7 - 8AM (Reply to #45)
katmass
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To Imabloke

Thank you. Yes, the friends here have helped. I am confounded how these narcissists can feel no compassion for other people; I may go back and read Sartre's "Being and Nothingness" to help me understand or at least intellectualize it, but what does it matter really? Anyhow, thank you and everyone else for your empathy and compassion.
Oct 6 - 5PM
shortway
shortway's picture

Sorry for your

Sorry for your loss.... Yes!!!!!"When someone tells you what they are, believe them."...This is one of the most striking phrases I ever heard.Ive had this in my head for years...Because Oprah repeated it..It is very telling..Because when my N called me a B+++ very nasty within a few mths of dating..I remembered this line because something hit me how nasty he was...Love that phrase...
Oct 7 - 8AM (Reply to #43)
katmass
katmass's picture

When someone tells you what they are, believe them.

Very powerful. It's true. And my narc ex-friend fairly early on in our relationship, also "punished" people with his harsh and biting words: he once told me that he "detests both of his children" - DETESTS! Now I have a 24 yr old son who has in recent years, caused me some angst and lawyer fees. And you bet I was pissed at and disappointed with him!!! But I have NEVER, EVER "detested" or hated him. I love him unconditionally. This guy put everyone down. Except me. But when I told him to stop communicating with me back in August, I'll bet he had some choice words to say about me henceforth. No matter. You and I and everyone here know WHAT we are: decent, caring people whose worlds have been toppled or at least disrupted by these inhuman, soulless individuals called narcissists. Thanks. Kathy
Oct 6 - 5AM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

having no empathy

My sincere and deepest condolences to you and your family. Now that is a tragedy of Shakespearian proportions, one that strangers and friends alike would agree. Please find comfort in knowing there are geniune people who feel the loss of others, unlike this jerk who never responded to you. And thank you for reminding me, that a true narc, has no empathy, i forget that at times. It reminds me of last year, when a young, beautiful popular boy was murdered for no reason. I couldnt stop crying only because I felt so deeply for his family, they were friends of friends, I did not know them, but I just could not imagine loosing one of my children and how devastated his family must have been, it hit me hard, so I watched his funeral on TV the local stations played it as he was very popular and a great athlete with a great future ahead of him (I still often think of his family) my hN said to me, "what the fuck, why are you so obsessed about some kid you dont even know, who gives a shit, you didnt even know him." It made me sick to my stomach, but I chalked it up to him being him, not narcissism (didnt know of that yet) it also reminds me, when I did sense he was screwing his whore again, while our son was fighing in the middle east, he said to me "I swear I am not, I swear our son will die in Iraq, I promise you, I dont see her anymore and I never will, swear our son will die in Iraq" my God, if that is not the sickest shit ever, point proven, both stories, mine is as yours is a sick twisted uncaring, Unempathetic MONSTER......thank you for reminding me why I shouldnt care if he lives or dies, my hN that is.........and as for you be grateful you found out his true colors before you wasted half your life chasing the illusion of nothing......xoxoxoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 6 - 10AM (Reply to #41)
katmass
katmass's picture

Thank you Jaycee. I think

Thank you Jaycee. I think the real value of this site is to remind each other of all the things that are so inhuman and so wrong about narcissists. We are all good, caring people so we cannot believe that there are monsters out there who cannot feel or care about how WE feel. We're fooled into thinking we can change them, fix them; or we're cajoled into thinking they recognize us when in fact they are only using us. Anyhow, the value I got was hard proof that this person who I once thought was a great guy and certainly someone I wanted to have a long-term relationship with, is nothing more than ... NOTHING. He is only empty matter with no heart or soul and he will die empty. I am grateful to everyone for helping me see this. xxxooo Kathy
Oct 6 - 3AM
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

My heart goes out to you and

My heart goes out to you and your family for your loss. There is nothing like being bereaved to put things into perspective and in the big picture these selfish wastes of space pale into insignificance. Five years ago I was told by the hospital that if I didn't get there immediately I would not see my son before he died,thank the lord he pulled through, it was a miracle, and 17 years ago my best friend lost her daughter so I have felt and seen first hand what this can do to a family. This is a time when you need caring and compassion. My husband died 13 years ago in a car crash and that was bad enough but to lose a child...well, there are no words to express what the parents and family go through. My Narc knew about the loses and traumas in my life and showed no empathy or compassion for me and no respect for my strength in dealing with what life has thrown at me, in fact he actually used them to put me down and even went as far as to make up stories of closeness to people he knew that had died in our area to make it all about him. I have since found out he was lying....nasty bit of work. I am glad you are not ashamed for contacting him, why should you be and now, as you say, at least you know for sure what he is. Thinking of you and your family at this sad time. God Bless xxxx
Oct 6 - 10AM (Reply to #39)
katmass
katmass's picture

Thanks.

Somebody here said, tragedy and hardship will show you who your true friends are and who is a good person, someone you can depend on and trust. They will be able to share your pain, and support you in your time of need. If your partner cannot, then get rid of him and move on. There are too many good people out there to waste your time with a loser. That said, and on a positive note, I am happy your son is alive and well. I thank God every day that my son (he's 24) is healthy, stable and emotionally grounded. There is no greater gift than our children and to lose one is just incomprehensible and so indescribably awful. I am so sad for my ex-husband's loss and hope he can find some measure of peace in his life moving forward. Thank you for your kind words of support. I hope the narc is no longer a part of your world. xxoo
Oct 5 - 10PM
Tinker
Tinker's picture

devoid

i am so sorry for your loss and that you didn't get an ounce of compassion from your N. A quick supporting story~my N had been talking about getting a motorcycle for some time. one weekend a friend's young husband was riding his bike too fast, had an accident and lost his leg, critically injured. i sent him the article, mentioned how tragic that this family would be affected forever. he responded, "so i shouldn't get a bike because this guy doesn't know how to ride?" only seeing it from his perspective completely missing the tragedy with someone i knew. not an ounce of compassion... marissa
Oct 6 - 10AM (Reply to #37)
katmass
katmass's picture

Devoid of compassion

You're right... not an OUNCE of feeling for anyone else. How sad is that! I hope your narc rode his bike off into the sunset and you are rid of him.
Oct 5 - 9PM
apple
apple's picture

My heart is breaking for you...

I am so sorry for your loss Kattmass. I hope you know she is with the Angels and god in heaven. I'm praying for you and your family. xoxo
Oct 5 - 9PM (Reply to #35)
katmass
katmass's picture

With the angels now

Yes, she is and finally at peace. Thank you for your kindness.
Oct 5 - 9PM (Reply to #31)
apple
apple's picture

AND...

He is the biggest pile of CRAP ever!!!! Almostlydia should go beat HIS ASS!!
Oct 5 - 9PM (Reply to #32)
katmass
katmass's picture

Yep he is that...

Well, this pile of doo doo works in Melville, L.I., NY if anyone wants to go and kick his butt, I'll give you his company's name. But you know what? He isn't worth it.
Oct 5 - 10PM (Reply to #33)
apple
apple's picture

Your right!!

But almostLydia posted that for me and it made me laugh. So very glad you got away from him!!!!!
Oct 6 - 9AM (Reply to #34)
katmass
katmass's picture

Almostlydia's comment

Made me laugh too and feel good. I have a close friend who said if Andy does not call or respond to your email (which I sent last Friday) within 48 hours, even if he's in Bora Bora... if he does not respond, then he is a f$%#^ing $%#@^ ^&%$ #$@%... well you get the gist. She was tempted to text him and tell him so but we both agree that he just isn't worth it. But I admit that I like the idea of a perfect, caring, stranger named Lydia going into his place of work and kicking his ass!!!! Thanks for brightening my day!
Oct 5 - 9PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

So very sorry. Losing a

So very sorry. Losing a child is tragic but to suicide must be incomprehensible. My son is 20 and my daughter, 18, hearing of these tragedies truly breaks my heart. So very, very sorry. I hope that for you this was the strongest message, strongest vision of life with the N that you need to stay strong and learn as much as you can so that you never have to experience another one again. almostlydia

almostlydia

Oct 5 - 9PM (Reply to #29)
katmass
katmass's picture

Thank you for understanding.

As any parent knows - heck! as any feeling person knows, the loss of a child is devastating, especially to suicide. And even my friends who do not have children are still able to empathize and offer words of condolence to my ex-husband and to me. This narcissistic man I reached out to is a soulless, heartless, nothing. I feel sorry for him actually. And yes, I hope I learned enough this time never to repeat my mistake. If I ever meet an especially charming, handsome, overly attentive man, I'll know to come right out ask him some key questions before I get involved. The first one being: tell me about your relationship with your kids. This guy I was dating long distance once said, "I DETEST both of my children" and I should have know then...
Oct 5 - 8PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Katmass, good for your perspective

In this situation, you have realized the true value of companionship. It is not the false air of a N...you thought he was strong, a friend, he is none of that sort. Not to you, not to anyone. He is not a better than others person he is a worse that others person. He puts on airs that he is "better than" when you get right down to it, he is a "worse than" others loser. Glad you got perspective, remember that, count yourself lucky, and get some distance. You will realize you will become far more sophisticated and wonderful person without him. Very sorry to hear of your loss, that is a terrible thing to endure, do not seek the N in this or anything like it. He not only can't relate, he will use it against you. Comfort will come to you. Reach out, you will find it. I am proud of you for sharing your story. Keep going in strength and peace...
Oct 5 - 9PM (Reply to #27)
katmass
katmass's picture

True companionship and giving

Yep - you got that right. And it will never come from narcissists. These people are incapable of feeling empathy, even as a friend. Thanks.
Oct 5 - 8PM
truthseeker
truthseeker's picture

katmass

please accept my sincerest wishes for the easement of pain during your families devasting time. To have to endure tragedy AND deal with a sick Narc creature is heartbreaking. I know honey. After a long illness a cherished family memeber died last year. My ExN took me to the airport and when i went to the bathroom put 2 bottles of diet pills in my luggage. i didn't discover this until I had reached my destination. The day of the funeral I called him to say I couldn't believe he hadn't called to check to see how anyone in my family ws doing. He said" I wa just sitting here thinking about you." "I realized the entire time I've known you ,you've never swallowed my c@#" he also very angrily said" I work for myself so I don't get paid when I go on vacation" I said I'm not on vacation, it's a funeral. He picked me up at the airport I was drained from the grief and slept until the next day. when I went outside with my luggage to leave, he had pulled up the entire garden I had planted and said" I think we're done"
Oct 5 - 9PM (Reply to #24)
katmass
katmass's picture

Oh dear God what a sicko!

I hope you are rid of him. And have replanted a beautiful garden. Thanks for your kind words.
Oct 5 - 10PM (Reply to #25)
truthseeker
truthseeker's picture

katmass

yes honey, that was it. with 10 months of repeated attempts after that to get me to be his again. NC 90 days today. You and your's will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight
Oct 5 - 7PM
jen79
jen79's picture

katmass

In our worst hours we finally know who are our friends, and who's not. My prayers go out to you and your family. I hope you and your family can find strength and faith in thise hard time! Forget the awfull narc...he doesnt know what he does...a lost dark soul.
Oct 5 - 7PM (Reply to #22)
katmass
katmass's picture

Thank you.

That's for sure, Jen. Thank you for your prayers. Kathy
Oct 5 - 7PM
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Katmass,

I am truly sorry for your loss. It is really a strong statement when you get more sympathy from a bunch of strangers on an internet forum than you get from someone who supposedly loved you. That just shows the sickness. Again, I'm very sorry, my prayers are with you and your family.
Oct 5 - 7PM (Reply to #20)
katmass
katmass's picture

Faith

Yes, I have strong faith in God and believe that Lindsay is in a better place. I hope in my heart that my ex-husband finds some peace for himself. Thank you so much for your kind words. And yes, it is a sorry state of affairs when strangers can feel more of your pain than someone whom you have cared about and been intimate with.
Oct 5 - 7PM
Meadowbrook
Meadowbrook's picture

One of my a-ha moments was

One of my a-ha moments was when my little 5 yr old boy got suddenly very ill and had to be rushed to the hospital. He ended up being on serious IV antibiotics and morphine and had to have surgery. He was in the hospital for a week but it was very scary for the first few days. The Narc was out of town on business and I texted him about the matter. He wrote back, "I'm sure it will be fine." That was it. He never called the entire time or communicated in any other way. But I had friends from work calling me and colleagues who I am not particularly close with calling to check on me and my son and expressing their concern, etc... The contrast was so stark! Just a day earlier the N had been professing his undying affection and reiterating how he just wanted to know that I want him. Oh course, knowing what I know now, I realize that was ALL he really wanted - to know that I WANTED HIM for his own ego boost. He could care less about my son or me.
Oct 5 - 8PM (Reply to #18)
truthseeker
truthseeker's picture

Meadowbrook

Glad you had your aha moment. That is the true definition of lack of empathy. there are no words to describe the shell of a human they are. i hope all is well with your son and that you never have to go through anything with the N again.
Oct 5 - 7PM (Reply to #17)
katmass
katmass's picture

Your story told it all...

I can't add anything except that I hope your son is well and that you have left this man for the heartless, empty shell that he is.