Floored at the audacity!!!

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#1 Oct 5 - 11AM
Rinalda
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Floored at the audacity!!!

My ex-N just greeted me **minutes** after the latest OW (from what I can tell) left the room for a while. I didn't see him for hours this mornng, but suddenly he walks by my desk. It was unreal. I'm SO offended at this kind of "timing"--he used to do this with the first OW.

Does he really think I don't notice what he's up to? I told him before, with the first woman, that his behaviour changed when she was around. Is he that bold?

I haven't been entirely sure what is going on with the newer woman, but this is pretty revealing. He didn't want her to overhear him talking to me? Other times, he does talk to me within her range of hearing. But that was a few weeks ago, so who knows now....It is hurtful. :(

I have to go through this again, and he is so transparent and slimy.

It is trying my patience and still managing to floor me. I can't get over the audacity!!

Oct 10 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I can't wait to get to the

I can't wait to get to the new forum, I am feeling very squeezed by the format of these threads LOL!! So I'm replying to your post from 10:24 or something today. At some point, Rinalda, you will need to force yourself to look away. Stop training your awareness on him and his new victim. The only purpose of focusing on him and her is to torture yourself. You feel tortured and upset, but you are causing yourself to feel this way. Not him and not the OW and how she displays herself like some kind of horny insect wanting to be mated and lay eggs before it dies. Forcing your focus off him and her takes practise. It's become a very bad habit, so it's worn a deep groove in your brain. It's like a rut in the road that your wheels fall in, it's been packed down from the weight of your obsessing so many times. YES it's a uniquely hard thing to do, to see him every day and have his Narc behavior in your face. But you can turn your face AWAY. You have to, for your own sake. Only you have the power to do this. What habits have you broken in your life? Taking your focus off of him is exactly the same process as breaking a habit. It's a lot more emotional, granted, but just because it is EMOTIONAL doesn't mean it doesn't need to be broken just the same. The freedom you so desperately want is in your hand, right now. It's nowhere else. You just have to look down and see it and begin to USE it. At first, you're attention will keep sneaking back to him or her. You just grab it and focus on . . . the window. The computer. Anything. ANd it sneaks back and you grab it. Over and over again. This is an uncomfortable time because you are retraining yourself. THe emotions that come up when you do this are often very depressing. That's normal too. But keep on refocussing. Have a some written notes to refer to, or an object that symbolizes the freedom from this pain sitting right on your desk. And when thoughts of him, ANY thoughts of him, sneak into your mind, focus on your object or notes. Even if you feel stupid and don't think it will work. THAT is normal at first, too. And keep doing it. I promise you, it will take a while but it will begin to work. But you gotta start someday. Or else get another job. Your choices right now are BOTH hard choices. But one of them is better :)
Oct 11 - 10AM (Reply to #59)
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

It probably will be very

It probably will be very hard to break the habit of seeing/knowing what he's doing. I've only *just begun* to feel better concerning the first OW, and now it's happening all over again!!! I was doing okay after months of work dealing with the heartache of his cheating, lying and manipulating while he was still with me. That he's getting another opportunity is like a shock to the system. Didn't expect it in my face again. My body/brain are trying to absorb it all, dumbfounded, unable to wrap by head around it, resisting the information. At the same time, my mind is fliting back and forth over the moments when I saw or heard something that seems to point toward his philandering again. The painful truth hits home hard. It does feel torturous but I'm trying to stop it. I'm working on making it an ugly reality that I want no part of. I guess my mind can rewire itself to look at things differently, but boy is that tough. The immediate reaction to OW #2 is sadness, fury, and crazy frustration, not a willed effort to detach.
Oct 10 - 7PM (Reply to #58)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

briseis.

thanks for all the comments. I will try to practice all the point you have mentioned. i am also going to roll my eyes and act bored as better off suggested...haha. that being said..tomorrow is monday...the deal starts again monday morning..AHH.
Oct 8 - 5PM
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

Thank you.

Thank you.
Oct 6 - 9PM
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

Played for a fool

The three of us (OW, me, and the narc) came face to face. The narc followed me to a certain place in the office and then the OW suddenly appeared right in front of us. I guess she was being protective!! The narc sounded nervous and tried to play it evenly. This is surreal. I am going out of my wits with this but tonight I'm more angry than hurt (tomorrow, when I get there and he starts timing us again, I'll no doubt feel wounded. I'm trying to let that part go...). The anger comes from being played for a fool. I am pretty sure that he thinks he's fooling me right now. He thinks that I don't see the way he plans the conversations so that the OW never hears him talking to me. I think he feels clever. He's trying so hard to smooth everything over with me now, after OW #1, that I am doubting that he'd push me to the edge again by wanting me to see what he's doing with her. Everything he does--ever--is calculated and underhanded. He plays nice so that he can feel okay around me again. It's all about how he needs to feel. But it's a timed friendliness meant to keep his other thing (flirtation or actual sexual involvement) open, available. Her attention reassures him he's okay, he's desirable. GGGGRRRRRRRR!!!!!! I do feel some outrage. Partly it's at the universe for letting him get more supply. I can't get over the opportunities this waste of space gets with women. Right when he needed a new one, poof! I will try to imagine him as a pile of shit when he approaches tomorrow, at just the right moment, in the f***ing five-minute gap he'll take advantage of.
Oct 8 - 12PM (Reply to #27)
better off
better off's picture

The possibilites are endless...

Can't you go make copies or something? Five minute window? And there isn't a single other place in the building you can be for five minutes? If he's THIS predictable then change your own behavior. If you are stuck in a situation that you truly can't leave your desk, then I would be "on the phone." Every time. You do not HAVE to speak to him! And certainly not on his terms and timetable. It doesn't sound like he's ever talking about work... does he have to discuss business with you? If it's just "friendly conversation" you need to take a page out of his book... have your cell phone on you.. and if he follows you somewhere and starts talking to you, you can smile vaguely and then get distracted by your phone... start checking your text messages while he's talking... just go..mmm hmmm...like you are humoring him. Or hold up one finger, and say, wait a sec.. hold that thought, I'll get back to you...I just remembered something I was supposed to do/give/call/email and go off to do it. I promise you he will HATE that, and he will stop bothering you if it goes like that. I mean, DO you care what he's going to say? It doesn't sound like it. Pretend he's a Jehovah's Witness back at your door... uh-huh...okay, great...bye! And perfect the art of the yawn. If he starts talking to you in the morning, YAWN! Bored Sigh. Like, okay... mmm hmmm... like you're tolerating an annoying kid telling you a story you don't care about. You can also use a yawn because you are soooo tired... you've been up late so much lately! :-) And of course, the ace in the hole... talk about YOURSELF. If he starts telling you something, INTERRUPT him and say OMG, wait! Did I tell you about XYZ?? (seeing so and so, where I went, what I ate for breakfast, anything) "Oh, wait a second N, I just have to tell you THIS first... today I was in traffic, and blah blah blah blah..." then pretend to get a text and drop off in mid sentence and check your text messages and laugh and text something back... Try anything, but it's actually NOT that hard to get rid of him. The best defense is a good offense.
Oct 8 - 1PM (Reply to #55)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Seriously!!

This is some golden advice from Better Off, Rinalda. This is extremely empowering advice. One thing I do at work with a couple of annoying co-workers is while they are yammering on, I pay them only the most minimally "polite" attention. I'm going "Mmmhmmm" while I'm pretending to check my charting or read some lab results. I am completely polite, always. Teflon polite. I make myself completely UNsatisfying for someone to get "supply" from. And yeah, it's an act. It's better than turning to them and telling them directly to GROW UP and stop bothering me with their stupid self centered self pitying dramaramas :D I don't consider it "mean" because they are trying very hard to take advantage of ME. Do I look like your therapist/your mother/your Army recruit? Did I *ask* to be involved in your endless whining? Nope, you just saw me sitting here and plopped down and whether I invited you to or not, start in.
Oct 8 - 1PM (Reply to #28)
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

Keeping busy and staying aloof/distracted

Thanks, Briseis. Good advice. I think I will have to start doing this as a defence/coping mechanism. I thought about not being at my desk when he expects me to be, in the convenient intervals. No, I don't care what he's saying. That's true. I just care that he's taking up with another woman (stupid ego gets reinforced) and playing head games with me. It's unfair, it's twisted. He goes along and gets more. I have to watch it play out. I feel like shit. I think I'm jealous. Evidently he is getting his way again with a new one, and I can't stop that part. Can only try to keep my distance from him. My head is spinning right now trying to deal with all of this. Very bad day.... :(
Oct 8 - 2PM (Reply to #37)
better off
better off's picture

Reframe it...

"I think I will have to start doing this as a defence/coping mechanism." Think of this as an OFFENSIVE mechanism. It's time to take control of your life back!! Time to stop being passive about this situation. When he walks up to you, sigh deeply and roll your eyes, but with a half smile like "what now?" (aren't you doing that on the inside anyway).. then do the mmm hmmmm and nod thing while LOOKING AT SOMETHING ELSE. "I thought about not being at my desk when he expects me to be, in the convenient intervals." Yes, WHY should you be at YOUR desk when HE expects you to be?? You've got to break free from his "training" of you to be doing what HE expects. "No, I don't care what he's saying. That's true." Then please ACT like you don't care what he's saying. Why are you being so "nice" about it and acting as if you are an available audience for this childish weirdo? "I just care that he's taking up with another woman (stupid ego gets reinforced) and playing head games with me. It's unfair, it's twisted." Yes it is. And you can't help it if he takes up with another woman, which every single narc will do... however you CAN help him playing head games with you. You are being passive and participating in these games. He isn't making you, you're going along with it... you CAN change this, you can change it this very afternoon! "He goes along and gets more. I have to watch it play out. I feel like shit. I think I'm jealous." You do NOT have to WATCH it play out, which is what he's trying to make you do... again, stop being a participant in HIS game, and make your OWN rules... if he follows you and she runs to check on him (sounds like they have a GREAT relationship - NOT!) then smile at HER and say HI! How's it going? And go.do.something.else. :-) "Evidently he is getting his way again with a new one," She's rushing after him checking on whether he's talking to you... sounds less than wonderful. "Can only try to keep my distance from him." But please, I hope you see the angle I'm taking... you don't have to turn away, eyes down, like well, I just have to stay away, I've been beaten... NO! You walk away with your head up, showing him and the world this is SO not worth your time... and that you, Rinalda, graduated from high school already!! LOL... Rinalda is here to do a great job and get some work done, not play teeny bopper games with a dickhead. Rinalda doesn't have TIME for this. ;) And sooner or later that will be how you really feel... OMG! I do NOT have time for this shit!!! "My head is spinning right now trying to deal with all of this. Very bad day.... :(" Well you can start over right now, babycakes. I saw a sign in the store that said 'always walk like you're wearing an invisible crown on your head.' Try one on for size! Put that invisible crown on at least for the afternoon...and TGIF!!
Oct 8 - 3PM (Reply to #38)
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

Good angle to take

Thank you, Better Off. I'll try to remember this. I haven't meant to be passive. Lately I am much better about him and the whole horrible mess. His scheming (around this particular OW) just started recently, so I'm still trying to believe/accept it's even happening. I don't even know when to dodge him. Unlike the N, I don't know when people are supposed to be in the office, so I have no real sense of when the OW is in or out and thus when the N is likely to make moves. But even if I'm at my desk, I can be less receptive. Mostly I do block him out or barely acknowledge him. It has to be minimized even more, I guess. He always punishes me--you all know the strategy--whenever I'm not "nice" enough, so I've battled with how to deal with him. NOw I'm just doing my thing and not actively getting hostile, but maybe this isn't working either. Every narc takes up with another woman: how awful to have to watch. I don't like to see him with someone else--it hurts, still. Even after what he's done....
Oct 8 - 5PM (Reply to #39)
better off
better off's picture

So what does he do to

So what does he do to "punish" you? And I don't mean to make you feel bad or anything, you have been handling an awful lot, having to be around this POS every day at work. You're doing a great job. HUG! But I think it's easy to slip into a pattern we don't see ourselves, that's why I said that about being passive. I don't think you need to act "hostile" necessarily, either, just bored bored bored with his sorry ass. Yeah, you have to pretend right now, but I really think it will discourage him. But I would like to know how you feel like he punishes you for not being "nice" enough. Does he ignore you or something? Then I say good! That is not a punishment in this case, it is a reward! If it upsets you then you are still putting stock in his opinion of you. As Briseis said, even if you were the Madonna he would piss in your pocket and tell you you're wrong.
Oct 8 - 5PM (Reply to #40)
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

"Punishment"

He ignores me, flashes dirty, sullen looks, and once he snarled a response. Too true--it's not really a "punishment." I am still sensitive to his reactions but am getting less affected by them day by day. He has turned me upside down with this manipulative behaviour in the past. In a fairly small office, this is torturous sometimes. I've worked on not taking the bait. Right now the stuff with the OW hurts the most. Even if I discourage him, I have to know he's getting more supply elsewhere.
Oct 8 - 5PM (Reply to #41)
better off
better off's picture

Okay, well you have to be

Okay, well you have to be willing to "take" that "punishment" because it's ridiculous anyway. To give you dirty looks? I swear, he acts like a very spoiled teenager. You are letting him control you with this childish behavior. I know it sucks being in an office together, but I know you can overcome his bullshit. Again, practice the eye rolls, lol. He flashes you a dirty look, roll your eyes or shake your head, and laugh. Even if it hurts. You need to adopt a "dude, seriously??" attitude with him even if you are faking it. As for the OW, you know it's only a matter of time... that will crash and burn and she will be the one with her head spinning, and I think she already is. The only reason she can be worried about you is he has made sure she is. You are now the exalted ex girlfriend, someone to be jealous of, never mind how shitty he actually treated you in real life.
Oct 9 - 10AM (Reply to #42)
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

Crashing and burning

This is true. He's childish and silly. And you're right--she'll crash and burn eventually. Yes, it's only a matter of time. But the thing is, HE won't crash and burn. All he wants are flings, notches on his belt, attention. He'll get out of it what he wanted. He'll succeed--unconcerned, content with his experience, satisfied. By the time it ends, he's had his sexual encounter and met his needs. And when it ends, so much the better for him in a sense. On to the next. He will try to control it so it ends on his terms, so he's the one who walks away. While everyone else suffers because of this, he cruises along. HIS head won't spin. He comes out the "winner."
Oct 9 - 9PM (Reply to #54)
better off
better off's picture

Really??

He's a winner? Really? I find that laughable. Seriously, I do. He's a LOSER. HE may think he's a winner, because in his mind, "winning" a fling or notch on his belt IS actually the meaning of life... but is it? So I think maybe you're just mad that HE is getting away with THINKING he's a winner...when he's just a big fat loser. And he knows it, really, on the inside. That's why they target ACTUAL winners, to take what they can never be. That's as close to winning as they will ever get, to steal it from someone else. In reality their life is a never ending CHASE for something they do not have... they will never be the winner. They are pathetic. Mine was so pathetic that he had to suck the winning life force out of ME to feel on top of the world. So.. yeah, he won that round.. for a while. Then I regained MYSELF, which is what I always had and what I always will have, while he has NOTHING. ZERO. He is SO full of ZERO that he will continue on his lifelong chase to steal the soul out of the winners in life to make up for what a nothing he is. It's another illusion he's feeding you. Just like the illusion that he was something special. He's now feeding you an illusion that you are not something special. The TRUTH is you have something special, and he had no choice in his puny black heart but to try and take it from you. HE SUCKS. He always WILL suck. And he will suck YOU dry if you let him. A winner??? Not in this lifetime. Unless being a perpetual 12 year old is winning in your book. ;)
Oct 9 - 12PM (Reply to #43)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

That's OK that he comes out

That's OK that he comes out the "winner" in his own life. It's like you believe you have some "say" in how he conducts his life. I agree with you, he's a whore. But it's his choice. That's what makes him happy. How is that YOUR problem, now? It's disgusting? Oh yes! He hurt you badly, used you and spit you out like used chewing gum. And now he's moving onto another victim. He's a bad man. He should be stopped. Except . . . we can't stop him, or change who he is. That is a fact. So then what? Narcs open up a big hole in us when they D&D us, even when we get rid of THEM, there is this big hole in the middle of our heart, and what's inside it is some pretty awful feelings. Rejection, abandonment. They are almost unbearable to face :( . So it's "easier" to focus on what a rotten sonofabitch he is and WHY he does what he does and what must HE be thinking and IT'S NOT FAIR. Then we don't have to look at ourselves in the mirror and admit we were . . . well, rejected like a piece of trash.
Oct 9 - 2PM (Reply to #44)
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

Thanks but not sure I

Thanks but not sure I follow. This intense frustration comes after months of tears and sleepless nights where I processed the rejection and "loss." Very bad go. I feel like I've been to hell and back dealing with this. I'm still not even able to get really angry (more hurt). It was sheer anguish and I sought therapy to help. He will never feel less than powerful and desirable. That's the maddening part. We can't stop it, no. Just feeling the burn of that.
Oct 9 - 9PM (Reply to #47)
better off
better off's picture

Actually it's the opposite!

He ALWAYS feels LESS THAN powerful and desirable. It eats at him day and night! If he actually DID feel powerful and desirable.. he would have no need of acting in these exhausting, nonstop, childish games to try to PROVE to somebody somewhere that he actually IS powerful and desirable. If he just WAS those things he wouldn't have to go to such ridiculous extremes to try and show it... when 99.9% of the population couldn't give a rat's ass about whether or not he is powerful and desirable or NOT. NO ONE CARES, NARC! But they do, by God, and they will go to the ends of the earth to "prove" how powerful and desirable they MUST be, even though they are not. You are being sucked in to his delusional world if you really believe he is powerful and desirable because he can lie to a few women and trick them. He's NOTHING. The only thing he can EVER be is what someone else MAKES him. So if you stop making him those things, even in your mind, he is diminished, he LOSES that precious power. The only power he has is what you give him. He has no personal power. He can only feel power in what others give him. So I say it again, the only power he has is what you give him. YOU have personal power. You give it to yourself.
Oct 10 - 10AM (Reply to #50)
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

Thank you; getting through

Thank you, Better Off and Briseis, for these words of wisdom. I appreciate your input and the effort to understand this terribly upsetting situation. I'll keep these posts handy, to help get me through. I know that others find them helpful, too. Moonshine--You said it well: the fact that we have to see them all day long at work makes this really difficult. In any other break-up I've experienced, the contact ceased immediately and permanently. This is different. And seeing them orchestrate a new "relationship" is tough to bear emotionally--even if the head knows what it knows. I feel replaced. Yes, it's astonishing how far the Ns take things: no shame or mercy. And the whole thing about justice not being served.... The encouragement and insight here are helpful, though, in managing the stress and heartache: not giving the N the power, taking it for ourselves, and feeling free of him rather than at a loss.....
Oct 10 - 10AM (Reply to #51)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

rinalda

It was helpful that you wrote about it. Its a unique situation that we spend all the waking hour with the narc and after that i think about him the rest of the time.....so that means ALL THE TIME. I think we here are given the opportunity to face it first hand while others who are struggling here are finding it through face book or otherwise(not that its any better to find out this way too...i too have seen bits on his facebook that triggered a panic attack). We are seeing it happen..and thats the bad part. What I am trying to say is that its right in front of our eyes and thrown on our face . I took this as a challenge to face it. Its very very hard....but we can do it. I cut off from that world most of the time. I am in my own world at times (this is escape tactic for me). Another thing that helps is that we can see what a jerk he is ALL THE TIME...may be we will get through this sooner than later because of the situation. Keep me posted on how you are doing. I will keep you posted too.
Oct 10 - 11AM (Reply to #52)
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

Thrown in the face, indeed.

Thrown in the face, indeed. Since we have to work with him, his true nature is front and centre in all its ugliness. That does "help" in a way. But, back to the negative, disheartening view of this brutal in-the-face stuff, I'm seeing the OW dress up for him, try to be around him, and watch for his arrival. The whole "early stage" stuff. *She'll* make him feel "powerful," at least for a time (as screwed up as this need in him is). Someone else will "empower" him, even if I don't. I know it's delusional and disordered on his part....but this woman just turned up when he needed it. He must be thinking how well it fell into place for him. Ahhhh...it's so bloody difficult...
Oct 10 - 7PM (Reply to #53)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

yes rinalda

thats exactly how i feel. how come things just happen for him? He just makes use of anything that comes along his way...but...i think we need to stop figuring out how me will make the next move. Thats what i sit and watch everyday and calculate....but no use. he does have his way. There were days when i never gave a damn what was going on beside me...those days seemed better. I started listening to music more. read audio books. take walks. all of them help. I have also been reading about NPD non stop. i read in the morning ..then read here. At lunch i read here and in the evening i sit in a quiet place and read books again. i hope you feel better. i hope i feel better. At least we have HOPE , he doesn't have anything.
Oct 9 - 10PM (Reply to #48)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

better off..

this great. I will try to keep it in my mind. "The only thing he can EVER be is what someone else MAKES him"- yes. i need to nail it inside my head. My narc has many times told me that "i dont want to alone in this house" "i dont want to come home to an empty house" Yes, he is a NOBODY. thanks for reminding.
Oct 9 - 10PM (Reply to #49)
better off
better off's picture

YES!

He is begging you to make him something. He is NOT superior to you, or winning anything. He is a pathetic parasite searching desperately for a host... He CANNOT be alone because then he is indeed NOTHING. He is NOBODY. He is nothing but the reflection in your eyes, whether it's love, hate, or pain. He is NOTHING without it! I've never understood the part of the vampire legend that they have no reflection in a mirror... but I think I just now got it. They don't even have a reflection! Only you, you are the mirror. Otherwise they don't even exist.
Oct 9 - 3PM (Reply to #45)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Yes, about the intense

Yes, about the intense frustration after months of tears and sleepless nights. You have been to Hell and back. I'm with you there :) What I'm sensing is that you don't want to let go of him. You might believe at some level that because he hurt you so badly that you WON'T let go of him. This is the essense of trauma bonding. Clinging to someone who has trashed you, instead of letting go and thanking GOD you don't have to think about him for another second. Or care what he's doing or thinking or feeling. You are clinging to what HURT you. It doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter if he "wins" by sticking his d*ck in every willing hole. His "power and desirability" he thinks he has is a MENTAL DISORDER. Let him have his mental disorder! What do you want with it? Are you gonna fix it? You can't "win" playing his game, you will always lose. Take your pieces off the board and get yourself out of the game :)
Oct 9 - 5PM (Reply to #46)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

Briseis..i get it but..

i get all of what you are saying. i am in the same boat as rinalda. I see this happen EVERYDAY before my eyes. i do feel that he WINS..EVERYDAY. There is not a day that goes by when is NOT fine. i get that i cant play his game. I am slowly realizing it. i can never win playing his game. May be i will never win with him. may be there is no justice in this case. I get that all your point are to look inside us and MOVE ON..... but its very HARD.. VERY VERY HARD. small things that he does hurt me bad and the day is just a bad day. i think we think like that cos we are still in shock to see how far he can go. I am still in shock how he could just do what he could do and there is NO JUSTICE. I get that we are still obsessing about him....because he is right in front of our eyes for 8 hrs or more for a day...i guess that why it feels so bad. I am actually concerned about myself because there are women here in different stages of recovery. Some are still finding it difficult after many years of being away from their narc. i am not sure how i am going to get through looking at what he is doing everyday. I like the fact that you are speaking the harsh truth to make us get through it....i appreciate it all ..thanks. i am going to practice some of better off 's tips too....i am going to roll my eyes , stop him when he is trying to tell me something and act very very bored. i am going to have FUN.
Oct 8 - 2PM (Reply to #29)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

OK, so you're jealous. It's

OK, so you're jealous. It's not the end of the world. You and everyone else alive today gets jealous :) ((hugs)) Who wouldn't be a bit jealous? Or a lot jealous?? The OW who "replaced" me weighed 250 pounds, had a lot of teeth missing, and was married. She was a truly amazing person, though. She gave my exNarc BJs in exchange for drugs and firewood. I'd say she got the better end of the deal. I felt pangs of jealousy, even for that. I wasn't all that thrilled with myself, either, lemme tell ya. What we're jealous FOR can be more humiliating than being jealous in the first place :P So you're jealous. Of what? Of this woman who is 100% guaranteed to be D&D'd in the next six months? Who is probably even NOW jealous herself, and miserably wondering if he's screwing other women? Oh yeah, baby. That's something to be jealous of LOL. Are you worried that she is gloating at you? Well, she might be. Poor thing, does SHE have another think coming :( You and this OW are SISTERS. She is your SISTER. She is a future member of Vain Forum. She is a future hurt and bedraggled and crushed SISTER. She is more your "friend" than he ever was. It's all about perspective, here. And yes, the ego can be a real bugger. She can be prettier, have thinner thighs and better in bed than you . . . but it's all gonna end up the same for her, don't you see that? You are inserting yourself into this way more than is realistic, or healthy. Him and this OW have nothing to do with YOU. You are out of the picture. And thank God for that. Tell your ego that it is still a GOOD ego, and it doesn't mean there's something WRONG with you because he's got another woman. Tell your ego that it is no skin of it's nose. Tell your ego that it means nothing about your worth as an individual that he is sleazing on someone else. Tell your ego to get it's pokey nose OUT of his business. It's not about you. It's kind of a blow to the ego, to see it's not the center of the universe. From personal experience, I am SO much happier as a person when I don't insert myself where I don't belong. When I don't take personal meaning for myself where there is none. You don't have to be going through this, really. It's a matter of adjusting your perspective, Rinalda, into a more realistic perspective :) It all happens inside your own head, and has nothing to do with HIM or OW. That's where our personal power is truly powerful :) Inside ourselves.
Oct 8 - 4PM (Reply to #36)
shortway
shortway's picture

Your soo good!!..I needed to

Your soo good!!..I needed to read that..i'm in the same spot with the N"s new girl..if you want to call her that.She is super gross...
Oct 8 - 3PM (Reply to #30)
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

Anxious about something not worth having?

Briseis--"Jealous of what?" is a good question. I honestly don't know I can answer that. Maybe it's because he was mine at one point, so it is painful to have to see him (once again) have "something" with another woman. I know it/he is not worth having, and I take some comfort and find some peace in tthat. Still, it's hard to see the attention turn to someone else. I dislike seeing him "protect" whatever he's started with her. I will try to take my own sense of self out of this. But the bastard gets validated again and it's driving me crazy. She will figure him out, but he just gets more play. Who wants to see a narc get more supply....He should be alone.
Oct 8 - 4PM (Reply to #31)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Yup . . . that last

Yup . . . that last paragraph says it all :( It's totally OK and normal to still feel hurt, even though you know what he is, and what this will all come to for her. Hurt is hurt, and you can just sit with it and calm your thoughts around it. Don't make it worse by torturing yourself, you know? It a tough thing to do, but let go of wanting to see him get thumped, OK? It's completely out of your control. When something is out of our control, it's none of our business. Makes sense, doesn't it? What that Narc is doing is none of your business.