Can they ever get into a normal relationship after us?

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#1 Sep 26 - 11AM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Can they ever get into a normal relationship after us?

Hi, I'm new and should post my "about me" in that board which I plan on doing in a little while...

I was with my guy off and on since late May '09.

From May to June 09' the first month things were great, we clicked really well and spent a lot of time getting to know each other and slowly introducing our kids into the picture near the end of June.

June I notice he's pretty flirty with female friends on MSN and Facebook and I called him up at work (he's a cop) one evening while he was on duty and ended it over the phone after seeing some flirty msgs back and forth of his on Facebook.

We didn't speak for a month, then began dating again near the end of the summer of '09 till around Christmas. Just as things were getting comfortable something made me feel uneasy. He'd have plans to do things with people yet he has no close male friends.

I peaked (first and last time) at his phone one morning and saw a "thanks for the other night" msg from some girl to which I snapped and he said he gave a friend legal advice.

We were off and on through New Years/Valentine's Day, etc...then I ended it before Easter '10 as he grew distant and I told him to just let me go. He was immediately on a dating site and had a new girl within a week all while still contacting me etc.

Part of me was holding out for that connection that I thought we had...but I attempted to move on and date. Still he crept back into my life and we began recently spending time with each other, yet he still had a dating profile and when I asked him he admited it, but said he never went on it.

It said he was seeking long term, yada yada...however, his profile said online today (every day). I kept hoping he'd close it. All this time he's telling me that he didn't want to scare me off but I "could" be the one. He's divorced, 2 kids...says he isn't getting any younger and is ready to settle down now after 3 yrs since he & his ex-wife were over.
He told me he wanted to try with me again.

MEANWHILE, he's asking me how my day was and updating his dating profile to have visible photos of himself, etc. I called him after seeing this and told him to figure his shit out and then call me. Then I realized how nuts this is and told him I never wanted to see/hear from him again. He told me 'sorry to hear that but I'll respect your wishes.' I told him he was a f*cking joke, he replied 'f u, you never asked me if I was actively on that site and I'm not. (Now this could have been a cop tactic to get me to admit that I had indeed been checking up on him.)

Either way, I replied "whatever. nice pics loser. way to wheel 'em in!"
And that was it.

Can these guys, or this guy in particular...like, what is their point? Why keep me around? Just for an ego boost until they do find the one?
Once they find "the one" will they keep all these other women around who flirt with them online and stuff or can they have a solid relationship and ditch all these other sources once they find a girl that they are indeed happy with?

That's the part that's driving me nuts. Like why am I not good enough? We laughed and had such good times, then he'd turn around and be all sketchy behind my back with this dating site stuff and having to chat daily with these other women.

HELP.

Oct 2 - 5PM
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NO!!

I would like to again say...NO!! My N went from 'not wanting to lose me' after he knew his GF was keeping their baby at March of '09. He didn't 'know how he could keep both his son and me in his life' to 'Dumping' both me and his his babys momma in July of '09 because if he is 'forced to be in a one on one realtionship, he has to be careful od who he chooses'....which as a 'new girl he just met....(who was 'THE ONE') to meeting ANOTHER girl in Sept of '10 and making her his GF but...STILL seeing the girl of '09 (one lives in the same city as him, the other lives about two hours away. He is a filmmaker so he travels and meets many people. As far as they BOTH KNOW..THEY are his ONLY GF.. so, no. They don't ever get into a 'normal' relationship. Thjey may have relationships that last 'longer' than perhaps what you had with him...but they are NOT 'stable' or 'normal'...just different and new,at first (like we were)...until real life sets in....
Sep 29 - 9AM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Is this normal?

The ex-Narc boss threw a box at one of my coworkers, giving her whiplash and she ended up going on disability. He lied about what happened to the management. But what's twisted to me is that despite the fact the ex-N injured her, lied about it, and never really apologized about it... they're palling around to this day. They even did a garage sale together. Since I'm in a small town, I saw her car in front of his place. He was abusive to her as well as myself (in an emotional way).... what does she see in him??? I took his number off my cellphone thanks to this site. I had promised to call him after he fired me... but I NEVER did that, thank God. He wanted me to work at a nursing home that was going to open December '08 (it's still not open, and he's going to be a supervisor there) Not doing that either. If this is "normal" for a Narc... I want NO part of it. I don't envy this former coworker. I just don't get it.
Sep 29 - 10AM (Reply to #42)
Used
Used's picture

whats normal

look what they did to us... we still stayed as well... thankgod for this board..... it has kept me educated and up to speed.... it is getting to the point i feel like an expert on narcissistic behavior....or have i just become so aware of the nature of the beast that i no longer intend to be its prey...
Sep 29 - 10AM (Reply to #43)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Normality

The situation with the ex-N boss was a great deal less dramatic than with the ex-P professor. Still, I don't know how I managed to stay there for FIVE YEARS. For one thing, the ex-N boss was open and honest about being gay. He even had some positive qualities. Would I defend his abusiveness? NO WAY. But does he look like a saint compared to the ex-P? YES. That nursing home was supposed to open December '08... it's still not open. If I had waited to work there, my unemployment would've long run out. Apparently, the ex-N boss WANTS me to work there... but I'm not going to be supply. I'd rather be at McDonald's flipping burgers than working with him. It's a perverse combination of repentance&need for supply. I made the mistake of working with him before.... I won't do it again.
Sep 29 - 2PM (Reply to #44)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

susan

remember you didn't have an intimate relationship with your boss like you did the professor... my x husband was good to his employees (sort of) they only shit on those of us close enough to act as a tiolet.
Sep 29 - 10PM (Reply to #45)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The difference between the professor and the boss

My relationship with the ex-P professor was emotionally intimate (in my case, and yes, even he showed his vulnerabilities, which are to be exploited so he won't come crawling back to me) I was emotionally invested in him. I saw him as a potential boyfriend/husband. I DID NOT have sex with the professor, thank God!!!! But I did consider him a close friend. As for the ex-N boss, I wasn't emotionally intimate with him, he was more honest&respectful... and he was very Out and Proud!
Sep 29 - 11PM (Reply to #46)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

susan

i think what i'm saying is that because you weren't in love with the narc, he seemed a little less dangeroous or mean? just a thought. i know my x husband is still meaner to me than anyone else.
Sep 29 - 11PM (Reply to #47)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Not in love

The ex-N boss was A LOT less dangerous. I wasn't sexually attracted to him, he wasn't sexy. He was open&HONEST (yes, some Narcs are sometimes honest) about being gay and having an older boyfriend. I saw him as a supervisor, no more, no less. I DEFINITELY agree with what you say. The ex-P in your life was meaner to you because you were attracted&emotionally invested in him, and you were closer to him. I was closer to the ex-P professor than many of his students, so he was a lot crueller to me. Compared to BOTH of our ex-P's, the ex-N boss looks like a saint!!!
Sep 29 - 11PM (Reply to #48)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

my best friend was his

my best friend was his employee, and while she suffered abuse, i think she would say he was capable of emotion, kindness, empathy... it really irritates me, actually.
Sep 28 - 8AM
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

I know what you mean. My

I know what you mean. My biggest fear is that he'll fall in love with the bore he ran to after me and stay with her and be the boyfriend I wanted, only with her. Then I think that if was never really happy with me, he won't be happy with her, because she's boring and clingy and not on his intellectual wavelength, and not even pretty. But then I think that maybe what he wants is clingy and insecure because she will just worship him and will never be her own person around him and will never contradict him or ever dare to suggest going for brunch on her birthday weekend, which apparently constitutes "not listening" to him. Then I think maybe I should have been a bit less independent and a bit more submissive around him and maybe he'd still be here. Then I think, but how can I be anyone other than who I am? And who I am, apparently, was "the light of his life", his "beautiful princess" etc etc. Until I wasn't. Then my head explodes.
Sep 29 - 3PM (Reply to #40)
janine
janine's picture

Hook - Clingy or independent?

Honestly, it would have made no difference, if you had been more clingy. All it might have achieved would have been to make you feel worse, because he'd have treated you like a dog I know this for certain, because my ex had been married to a very clingy lady, a true co-dependent. He loved the power surge it provided, so what did he do? He kept provoking her, making her jealous, afraid he'd leave her (which in the end he did). He actually set up things so she'd figure he'd been with another woman to then prove to her how wrong she'd been. Of course he was with others, just not at that time. Poor woman almost went mad. Everyone who knew her back then still thinks she is horrible. I am not so sure. I am extremely independent, or you could call it anti-dependent. So at least I dictated the terms, and he could take it or leave it. Not that it gave me much pleasure, but as far as a N can have some respect, he did. Maybe it had just been fear to be abandoned, which is what happened to him now. As you say, how can you be anyone other than you are? Why on earth should you be?!
Sep 29 - 2PM (Reply to #39)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

hooklineandsinker

no. i was submissive and clingy. thats what he said he wanted. they don't know what they want.
Sep 27 - 9PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Sorry I didn't read

Sorry I didn't read everything, but a simple answer to your question: if he is an N, then no he will never have a normal relationship in his life. He may make it appear that way but it will not be in any way. this is the life of an N. almostlydia

almostlydia

Sep 27 - 5PM
Alibi_10
Alibi_10's picture

The One

This is so familiar. .. particularly the dating site thing. I think most people here understand the feeling of missing someone even when they have treated you badly, so you are not alone in this. I went from being THE ONE to potentially THE ONE to being a friend to being nothing because I did not make his heart somersault. We met online and his profile said he was looking for a serious relationship, but it ended up with mind games and vitril to the point where I no longer know what was real. But like others here I accept that they probably are unable to have a normal relationship or find THE ONE although mine said he would modify his behaviour WHEN he finds her. !!!!!! That made me feel great! It is not a good thought that they just discars us and move on, but on here the people that stay NC are the ones who seem to heal quicker. I was doing well till he turned up unexpectedly and am now back to square one. .... just console yourself with the thought that they there is no ONE for them except themselves x
Sep 27 - 9PM (Reply to #34)
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

"I went from being THE ONE

"I went from being THE ONE to potentially THE ONE to being a friend to being nothing because I did not make his heart somersault." Me too, in fact I was suppsoedly his 'best friend ever'..now he says "If I am forced into a one on one I have to be choosy about who I end up" Alibi is right. There is NO 'THE ONE' except for themselves. All their realtionships are superficial and APPEAR to be grand after the honeymoon stage... For real. I was so hurt by the girl I was replaced with. Though he finally 'changed' and I missed out. Here I find out, that after a year, she isn't totally happy, either. He had proclaimed her 'The One', at first, too and now...they are going down hill. BUT if I had not been privy to some of their discussions (i still live with my N as 'housemates only')...i would have thought they were in TOTAL BLISS judging by their 'outside appearances' when they go out and stuff. But, it is all an act. She is no more happy than anyone else is when their shining knight starts to lose his lustre.
Sep 30 - 8AM (Reply to #35)
tica
tica's picture

Insectt

I agree, there is NO "THE ONE" for them...they tell new supply how great or wacko last supply was..usually the ones they think are still great, are the ones that left them..can't have it, so it must be great...feel sorry for me, because I'm such a schmuck..mine told me his last left him for a woman...and I STAYED!!! wow..NC helps me so much to see my own stupidity..just be on guard now, since the OW is not seeing him as her knight, he will go seeking new supply..and you are so close (housemates) and he had you once before...still easy prey? let him find out your NOT!
Sep 30 - 8AM (Reply to #36)
Used
Used's picture

usually the ones they think

usually the ones they think are still great, are the ones that left them... i didnt know this tica... why would this be. i left both mine..... i dont think they think i am great... altho they still try contact...yuk
Sep 27 - 1PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

The only times he

ever asked me to stay was when I finally had another boyfriend and he lied about having cancer so I would come back . . . and when he wanted to go to California to see his "friend" and I told him to go and not come back. "Please, honey, it's just to see an old buddy, and no you can't come but I promise just let me go and when I come back we'll get married." I always wonder what he expected to happen? Never come back?
Sep 27 - 1PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

ugh

"Sorry to hear that you never want to see me again, but I'll respect your wishes." Mine said that about ten million times. I mean, could a person be anymore passive and apathetic about anything? And so self depracating and . . . ugh! As if they are saying, "Well, no matter what I do I can't make you happy so if you want to go you should, as I want you to be happy." God forbid that they should ever f*cking say, "No please, honey. I love you. Please stay, please don't leave." God forbid!
Sep 27 - 1PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Its strange how our mind

Its strange how our mind plays tricks with us , after all that we have been through with these narcs after all the abuse we still think that he will treat every other women diffrently from us . Part of the brainwashing narcs do to us is the blame game ie " i have never lost it with another woman before " or "if you made me happy i wouldnt treat you this way " or "if you where just a bit more understanding we would work out " the list is endless insert youre own narc phrase here . I wrote yesterday that you have more chance to win the loto than youre narc being any diffrent with the ow . Sure the honeymoon period may last longer or shorter but the chances are if you are just out of a relationship with a narc and he has taken up with an ow he will still be in the honeymoon period with her , from what we have gathered the average lenght of the honey moon period last about 3 to 6 months before the first slip of the mask . Here is the mantra for thoses of us whos narc has another woman "he will be the same with her , he treats all women the same , he is sadist narc and can and will never change , we where NEVER to blame for the abuse and she will suffer in the exsact same way as we did "... once this is firmly in youre brains as fact there should be an elememt of pity and sisterhood that kicks in for the ow . It takes time ... xxxxx
Sep 27 - 3PM (Reply to #28)
Playedwithfire
Playedwithfire's picture

my heart and my head hears

my heart and my head hears what you are saying but only half of me wants to believe it. my soon to be AXH was abusive to me, I threw him out June 1st. He was introducing his new gf by July to my kids. They have been at "her" house for every visit for the last month and a bit. Apparently he is going to move in with her this weekend. Who does this?? I ask, who takes in a guy she doesn't know, who has lied to her from the beginning. She has no idea what he is capable of. Sorry for the rant...What happened to rebound? Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

Sep 27 - 3PM (Reply to #29)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Playedwithfire

I looked at the concept of rebound relationships , surly to be replaced so soon means they are on the rebound , and if they where normal men that would usualy be the case . A normal man would fall into a relationship very quickly to try and cover up the emotional pain of a split from a significant other , with a narc however they do not feel emotions pain as a normal person , their primory reason for falling into another relationship is they need new supply so they are not left to face themselves for more than a week or so as this is death to a narc . as hard as it is we have to remember that a narc views women as objects an "it" , they will replace a woman the same as they would replace a car depending on how much supply they need they either upgread or downgrade the replacment car (woman). We had a thread on here the other week about how the women we are replaced with or normaly what we would concider a downgrade from us , but that stands to reason as proberly all of us has ripped of the mask of the psycopath and had exsposed them and caused huge narssistic injury to them so they go out and get the nearest supply they can find . Its a subtal diffrence from a normal reboud relationship but it is a diffrence and the enficis is on emotion which the narc can not feel . None the less it sucks and hurts like hell xx(my spelling is rubbish ,,sorry x )
Sep 28 - 4AM (Reply to #30)
faith999
faith999's picture

scoop

Yes Scoop they replace us just like they replace their cars. My n's famous line,which he thought was so funny was "I'll just get another one who looks just like you" He said it constantly and then would give me a big hug and laugh his big laugh afterwards and say "I'm just having fun." But the truth was there is a long, and I mean long, line of women in his history and we do indeed look alike. Years ago when we were planning on meeting for the first time I suggested we meet for a drink and then if we liked each other we could have dinner and if not we could go on our merry way. He said"of course we'll have dinner" I asked him how he could be so confidant because you never know if there will be any chemistry.He said that if I look like the pictures I posted(dating site) then we were good. What does that mean?. It means he only cares that I am attractive and look good on his arm and it never even occured to him I might not like him. You think this might have been my first clue?!!!
Sep 27 - 1PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Welcome to Vain forum :)

Welcome to Vain forum :) !!! MMMMmmmm . . . you just had a pretty classic experience. You were fooled and screwed by what was probably a big Narc. He deceived you, deliberately, the entire time you were with him. He may have been 100% in the moment with you, but his dating profile was out there accruing fresh meat while you thought you were experiencing love, or something like it. A person who will DO that, to anyone, is a bad person. Period. You don't deceive a person just because you are looking for "the right one". At least a decent, worthwhile guy would not do that. So there is your first clue that this guy is probably a Narc. And Narcs behave the way they behave with EVERYONE. Their wives, children, co-workers, parents, family, EVERYONE. They can't help it. They are deeply disturbed people, but can appear quite "normal" as long as things are superficial. So no, he won't act like a deceitful ASS until he finds the right woman, and then suddenly grow a conscience and a new personality and be a fine and upstanding man with her. You are one of many in a long chain of screwed over women, and there will be many, many others after you. What we learn here is to recognize what we are dealing with, and then to be able to avoid these idiots in the future :)
Sep 27 - 1PM (Reply to #21)
movingforward (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

What about when it seems like we went looking for the abuse?

Thank you and agreed, he is a bad person. What about us in the grand scheme of things? I'm this so called victim but I kept going back to the fire, then blaming the fire for getting burned? Repeatedly, what causes that? So...I'd leave or tell him off and he'd be gone -- then a few days later I'd miss him and he'd get my email or my text or whatever and he'd hesistate getting back with me, and I'd in turn get mad at him hesitating and he's think I was nuts. It was really, really screwed up. Why would we choose to want them back after that, repeatedly...it's like 'here you go cassanova, I know you don't want me, but maybe I can convince you...I miss you and eventually you'll want me the way I want to be wanted' Yet they don't want us. So I feel like this entire thing is entirely my fault. Like really? He is who he is, I knew that...he's looking for long term and biding his time with me, I was never good enough since the first month when he posted 'in a relationship' on his facebook or when he gave me the key to his house, had me for dinner with his family repeatedly. Then, I'd go beserk and tell him it's over like 100 times, then 100 times I'd think about it later and want him back. WTF?! Why?! And right now ladies. It's sad but I can feel that part in me that is longing for him. That part of me that wants him back, I want to make things right and I miss him and I am SO screwed up. This is the part in all the other times where I get weak and I'd text him or email him or call and wish him a Happy Birthday on his voicemail and apologize for 'overreacting'. Except now, for the first time, I am not reacting...he has had no reaction from me since I freaked out. It's like walking past a bottle after an AA meeting or a pack of cigerettes after quitting 2 weeks ago. I don't know how else to explain it...like an addict gambler in a casino. I feel crazy. I blame myself.
Sep 27 - 4PM (Reply to #25)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Me too, and I was so angry

Me too, and I was so angry with myself. I could not BELIEVE how I kept going back for more :( . A good thing to do is ask yourself what is going on in your life when those "I miss him!!!" feelings come up, when you start feeling weak. Are you anxious about something? There is a "cue" that is happening, it may be a feeling or series of thoughts. From there it's just like an addiction. The misery and tension are awful and one little FIX . . . . ahhhh. Well, for a few hours or minutes, depending on how quickly he resorts to treating you like shit LOL. Then, you're back at the old drawing board, starting at square one, with ONE MORE reason to feel crazy because you did it AGAIN. You wouldn't be human if you didn't want relief from the tension and misry. You SHOULD seek relief from it. What you have to really understand in your heart that he will not give you that relief. He's the one who's hurt you, after all. Hurting you again is inevitable, so where do you go for relief? Like an addiction, immersing yourself in a healing community with lots of contact, venting, talking, asking questions, forging bonds with others who understand is going to give you that relief. Not perfectly right away, but with "abstinence" from any drug (or narc) your mind clears up, you see how crazy it all was.
Sep 27 - 10PM (Reply to #26)
movingforward (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You ladies are incredible.

No really. We've made it through a war and back and now were here to share our battle stories. I love this. I hate that I'm going through this but having women to share these stories with who "get it" and who can relate and share their side of things is just amazing. I felt embarassed to confide in my friends anymore because surely they were sick of hearing me talk about it. From their side of things it's as easy as "what are you doing? who cares about him?!"...because they're in healthy relationships, etc. But you all get me. And I get you. This is great and we will all heal together. THANK YOU for sharing your inner most thoughts. All of this is helping me. The part about going to look for a fix, finding something to make myself feel better by going back to the source is so true. Wow. Finding other things to bide your time with other than missing a creep makes total sense. The gym, eating healthy, renting movies(not sappy love stories lol), getting out of the house, NOT going on dating sites, etc. Is it just me or have a lot of us who are getting over these creeps found them on a dating site? He was the first guy I ever went out with from a dating site. Friends of mine have met and married ppl from dating sites so it gave me hope. I thought dating sites were for losers, but he was cute and charming, etc...I thought, oh there's normal ppl on them. But really, they must be just crawling with narcissists. Especially POF because it's free. And with that site, there is no mutual friends who've set you up to say 'oh hey, watch out for that one, he treated his ex wife like crap or he doesn't care about his kids'.... we got the lovely part of unwravelling the pieces of their twisted puzzle, piece by piece. For those of you who have been through narcissistic marriages for many, many years, I can't even imagine what you have been through. I figure that over time it becomes normal, the way they treat us, heck I would have married him if he'd have asked and that would have been me. Anyways. Thank you all, we will get through this time in our lives :)
Sep 27 - 1PM (Reply to #24)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Part of what a narc dose is

Part of what a narc dose is play the see saw game with us which is designed to keep us unbalanced ie i love you , i dont love you . and this can change from one day to the next depending on how much supply they get duing the day . when you are exposed to this for any amount of time you develop trauma bonding or stockholm syndrome which makes you bond to your abuser .. like glue .. You actualy need comfort from the person who has caused the pain . It is a terribly confusing time when you want to run away but youre feet feel like lead . When you go no contact this feeling goes after a while . See the abuser enjoys youre pain , youre pain is his pain killer , so the last thing he wants is for you to leave , a narc fears abandonment more than anything else in the world so he sets you up for trauma bonding so you wont leave , it keeps you in a holding position so he can still abuse you . Welcome to the board and big hugs to you Scoop x
Sep 27 - 1PM (Reply to #22)
movingforward (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

?

...further to my What about when it seems like we went looking for the abuse? post... I feel as though I might be partially narcissistic. Do any of you feel that way? Is that why we were attracted to these clowns?
Sep 27 - 2PM (Reply to #23)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

I can remind myself of the trillion times he ignored me

ah... yes. if you read about it, they bring it out in you. they create the environment that made them that way for you. it's transient though