but there are definitely some red flags. Doesnt mean hes a Narc but he may be someone you dont want to date. Hard to say but the behavior of tell everyone Im your boyfriend and then ignore you really concerns me.
Honey, you have dated too fast. It is sad but true. You cannot find someone decent until you are deprogrammed and have worked on yourself enough. You need a time of loneliness, it will give you peace and clarity of mind. You are still hurt from all the previous abuse and it will not be another man to heal it. Clearly you were not focused enough. In fact this guy is acting just like what he is-a jerk. NC immediately.
It is normal after a narc to find another one. Been there done that. When we are hurt we are perfect targets.
Throw this man in the garbage, people like this is given away for free.
(hugs)
This is more than dating someone too fast; it's going too fast with someone you're dating. And "too much, too soon" is I think one of the biggest things to look out for, to avoid getting in with them.
Seriously.. WITHIN four weeks, FOUR WEEKS,
"we've pretty much seen each other,every weekend,and a couple days during the week here and there,because he does business here..Anyway,everything was going great,i meet his sister and her husband and kids,we stay in their guesthouse 2diff times..he goes to my high school reunion sat night,hes a hit,and i'm introducing him as my date and he says why don;t you just call me your bf?"
That means as soon as you met him you started doing things like staying together in his brother's guesthouse. Which I find quite interesting in and of itself. Why there and not HIS place??? Besides that, let's say you were staying at his place... and this may sound old-fashioned, but what are you doing spending weekends under the same roof with a person you just met? That seems pretty foolhardy. If you've never thought of it that way before, then maybe you should. You are trusting a stranger enough to do that? You barely know him. We must NOT trust people until they earn it. There's a lot of talk about how these guys END UP betraying our trust, when too many women shouldn't have GIVEN trust automatically.
We have to stop doing this trust first, verify later. Bide your time. If THEY WON'T bide that time, if they push for a lot up front, THAT IS A RED FLAG.
When you add that he doesn't even LIVE NEAR YOU, then anything is possible. You need even MORE time to get to know someone who can control how much you actually know about him. This guy could be friggin married. You think, oh no, he wouldn't have taken me to his brother's house then. Well... maybe that's what he wants you to think. It all smacks of suspicious behavior to me.
"I said are you my bf? he says yes samm,i told you before i'm not looking for something casual..this was last sat" Okay, again, you met him a month ago, again, this is rushing it. And he made a POINT of it, you know? I don't think it's typical NORMAL guy behavior to feel like his GF needs to say that, in fact I think it's the opposite of normal guy behavior.
"...ok,fast forward,he leaves mon morn...i text him some random ?,no answer....tues....i don't text or call,he doesn't either..wed,i text "i guess u don't miss your GF?" he texts back 'i've been really busy", i text back 'whatever',he texts back 'i was gonna call,i've been busy,chill out..'....OMG..i'm like ru kidding me...i text back..'too busy is so 7th grade,nobody is 'too busy' to text or call someone they care about'...end of texts,nothing else..so,thurs morn i email him and just say,'seriously,i'm really disappointed that someone i thought i knew would act like this,please send me my two shirts(they're brand new and super cute),thanks,samm........i get an email saying he was gonna call until i went psycho...THANK GOD i kept the texts...i typed out our conversation and asked 'where in those texts did i go psycho??' i said 'quit trying to blame me for your own bad behavior"...anyway,yesterday i get an email saying he's sorry,doesn't want to say mean things to each other,he'll send me my stuff and again he's so sorry.......i didn't respond...........SOOOO, last night at around 7 i get this text.."I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO THINK THIS IS FUCKED UP,BUT I DO MISS YOU NOW THAT YOU ARE NOT WITH ME TONIGHT,I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU THAT I MISS YOU........:"
Okay and this is from the Asshole Script and YOU KNOW IT. In fact, you did good, you called him on it and didn't defend yourself. I love where you said, don't blame me for your bad behavior...so then he switched tactics. Oh baby I miss you. Well, he should. Too bad so sad. If you let him get away with this now, he will do it again.
He spent a whole weekend with you, TOLD YOU to call him your BF, then immediately IGNORED you for several days, then BLAMED YOU for it, then VERBALLY ABUSED you, calling you "psycho" (and for what, expecting courtesy??), then said the classic, "sorry I didn't mean it," and THEN, sends the ultimate classic.. "I know you're going to think this is fucked up, but blah blah blah blah." This is a red BANNER.
Oh, now you are supposed to feel sorry for him, and tell him he's not fucked up, poor guy, and you are supposed to fall to the ground in joy that he misses you. Run to him, let him know it's okay, and you miss him too....no wait, how about he goes and fucks himself instead.
Well, yeah, dude, it's fucked up. Everything since the weekend at the reunion is fucked up. And you miss him. Well. You could live without him four weeks ago, I am sure you can live without him now.
Push/pull, hot/cold, we all know that's no good.
Are you done with fucked up, Samm?
i agree with better off, but want to add this, when i read this earlier i was going to reply, but thought i better not i sound like a prude, but better off , has stood up to be counted so will i,, 4weeks and you had sex with him, regardless of staying at his brothers, to have sex that quick. why?..... you have all the time in the world to get to this point...... you know he is no good, you know it, he only got apoligitic when you called him out.... he has no respect for you whatsoever.... just say to yourself too much too soon.. and move on.
Good post by Better Off. Look to your behavior this time around too. REALLY no offense intended here: you are behaving in a less than rational adult way as well. If you want a different kind of relationship, you need to slow down, let someone earn your trust and they should want you to earn their trust. This guy is immature and if you don't want more hurt - end of story.
Peace. J
The only way I can imagine any of us having any success in a new relationship after all of this damage is to take it very, very slow. A man with good intentions will be willing to wait, or as I see it, will think you're worth waiting for. I can not live thru another decade of suspicion and doubt, suffered too much. I just don't know how else I could manage a new relationship unless it is very very slow. Even so, this doesn't guarantee anything except giving me the chance to pay close attention. In the world of narcs, they have many acts to play. A narc can be very patient too given he can have a harem he's f*cking on the side. Been there, done that and didn't have a clue for 6 yrs. Much better armed now. I'll do whatever I need to do to be done with fucked up.
I have to agree with others, that was fucked up right from the start.
almostlydia
Without a doubt, they can be patient and keep up a facade for a very long time. Some don't reveal their true colors until after marriage even...but I think at THIS stage of the game, we know a lot more than we used to. There were early red flags in my sitch, and I did notice them, but I was sort of taking a "wait and see" approach about a couple of things, because it seemed like there were reasonable explanations that could be true also. And the rest of it seemed great.
I would never do that again. The "red flag" things are VERY specific when you come down to it, and frankly, better safe than sorry IS the way to go. So what if you were wrong, and something that was a red flag turned out to be harmless... well I am not planning on taking that chance. It wasn't meant to be anyway if you walked away from a guy that turned out to be something so grand as "not psycho."
If you were going to buy a house, and you smelled mold in the basement, but the rest of the house was PERFECT, your DREAM HOUSE, and the owner said, oh, that's just some [semi-plausible excuse for mold smell]... you would at least get the house INSPECTED wouldn't you?
In the past, I think a lot of us might think, but it's the perfect house! I'll worry about the mold smell later. And move right in. Then you find out the friggin foundation is cracked and leaking, and the whole thing is going to collapse. On your head.
And again I want to emphasize the point that a guy who JUST MET YOU should not be taking you for a weekend at his brother's guesthouse. That's weird, not romantic.
Not sure if it still seems wierd,but,he was staying with his sister in a town 2hrs away from me and wanted me to come to a get together at her house with some other couples and i wasn't gonna drive 2hours back home after drinks,hence, where the guesthouse comes in,lol...................but,maybe it's still wierd..............
ok ok...........lol,i just needed to see it in black and white..I have not and don't intend on responding or seeing this man again...and it's been a year since i was with my ex...not sure if some of you thought it's been 4weeks since i've been away from N......i love the way you all broke it down sentence by sentence,i'm telling you i saw all the flags,(just needed backing),and i thank you for being as harsh as you were,i NEEDED it,,,,and apparantly my slutty side was coming out...geez,it's been a while..........But,i will also say i've learned how to respond and not respond to this kind of behavior..i didn't get the least bit emotional,and i completely NC'd the guy early..........AND just for the record,don't want a reputation,lol,i've been with 2men in the last 18yrs...so, i really don't sleep around....
Hey now, I wasn't calling you slutty! Or loose, as you mentioned in another post. This isn't about sex. This is about SAFETY.
What's "weird" about the guest house thing, is he JUST met you and brought you right into the center of his family and started treating you like a girlfriend in five minutes. THAT is weird. If you don't think it's weird, that's how you end up with assholes!
It's common for us to think, HOW do I end up with these guys? Why me?? Well, not everyone does stuff like this. Other people really do have stronger boundaries than we do. Other people would keep some distance between themselves and a guy they just met.
Okay, so you had a chance to go visit and hang out for the weekend, but, yeah, hold something back. Make him sleep on the couch like a gentleman for Pete's sake. (I'm not saying a really skilled narc wouldn't do that anyway, but the instant familiarity with someone is not a good sign. The narc I knew was gooood, though, he would have fallen all over himself to be a "gentleman" until I would be the one begging him to spend the night, in that situation.)
And the overall story in your account is just dangerous ground. He lives somewhere else, his opportunities to see you are on terms like this, or he's in town on business (red red red flag) where you aren't seeing him in his "real world." I bet you fifty bucks cash he has a girlfriend wherever he lives.
Last comment, samm... we are narc bait. Our lives tell the tale. If you were diabetic you would be forced to read food labels, yes? READ THE LABEL. Take small bites if you aren't sure. ;-)
XOXO
Gosh I dont know Sweetsam
Honey, you have dated too
More than dating too fast
Yes better
sweetsamm
Good post by Better Off.
Peace. J
The only way I can imagine
almostlydia
Without a doubt, they can be
And again I want to
the guesthouse......
THANK YOU SISTERS....
Hey now, I wasn't calling
better off
better off
better off pretty much rocks