"one good thing is i can still control a little ofhim, as soon as i freaked about her having their pic up on fb, he had her take it down asap"
This is a delusion, okay? You cannot "still control a little of him," you can't control ANY of him, and YOU NEVER COULD! This is at the crux of all your freaking out. You're trying to GET control in this situation and it's NOT NOT NOT going to happen. You think the OW is in control, and you are trying to get it back from her. HE IS IN CONTROL of both of you! SHE is not in control. YOU are not in control. You only have one battle actually, and that is to control YOURSELF.
You said he was a cheating bastard the whole time you were married, and that he used you for "home base." Now you're jealous that he's using someone else for home base????? Does that even remotely make any sense?
You also claim you want him to leave her and try to come back to you so you can have the pleasure of saying no. Get serious about this, jaycee... you would not say no. You would say yes, and then you would lie to yourself that you are in control again.
Please... do a few minutes of deep breathing.. and try to think of one thing, one small thing that you could do, TODAY, to get some of yourself back. What one thing could you do to walk back to the light? Stop taking his texts? Block this woman on facebook? Stop engaging in conversation with someone who is insane?
You are right! Just remember that it's how they feel for that second and that's it. They will never be completely happy and that he had to report this to you should tell you that he is just lashing out on you and he's not feeling what he says. Sorry, he cannot feel and he knows he is just saying what he thinks will hurt you. They are hurtful and heartless individuals.
my xN would tell people of his new OW(one of many) that he fell hard for her and was going to keep this one around for a long time. It lasted 6 months.
The last OW after I kicked him out & he moved home wouldn't have anything to do with him. he broke her down and they ended up together but he wouldn't take her in public and said she was getting fat. she dumped him. he now tells everyone how they can have her he's done with her.
What you see him doing is FAKE FAKE FAKE!!!! Remember they can't deal with real emotions they have to MAKE themselves look good to the outside world while being a truly miserable human being inside.
last week he said he wanted you this week he said he wants you to get a boyfriend bet if you did he would flip out. Not saying you should do that unless it's what YOU want. and who the hell knows what he's going to say to you next week.
everytime mine D&D me & came back saying he loved me & wanted me only to be cheated on and lied to again. I couldn't ever understand how he could act that way & say he loved me the way he did. I would tell him all the time when you truly love someone you don't act that way.
You are the only person who knows when it's going to be enough for you. but what everyone is saying is true. they never loved us. loved what they could take from us and use. it was never a real realtionship with love. it's unconceivable to us humans how any one can be that way i know. they are sick. they will never get it sweetie.
look how miserable he is making you feel.is he really worth it? I think you know the answer.
I put him first even before my children and my family. I am ashamed I did that. That's something I will carry in my heart forever. Please don't make my mistake. Cherish them and your time together. They need their mom. No matter how old they may be. Mine are 25 & 18.
Your children are a gift from God. He's a gift from the Devil.
when you say what you see him doing is fake fake fake, are you saying everything he says and does is fake. so by saying that to me, he suddenly wants to act like mr nice guy today, because he tortured me yesterday, and by tomorrow he will say something totally different. please talk to me im over the edge
that's exactly what I'm saying jaycee. Whatever he is saying has truly nothing to do with you or OW. He is only saying what he is to make himself look good, get a reaction from you and he knows he will.
jaycee their lives are made up of lies. all of it! nothing that comes out of their mouths is true. they live in their own little pretend mind. they don't see life like we do.
their image is what's most important to them and they will say and do whatever it takes to make themselves look like the bigger better funnest most put together person out there. we've lived with them. we know better.
if my xN told me the sun was shining i swear i would go look out the window.they have forked tongues.
it used to eat me alive when i would see him & he seemed like he was so happy and didn't have a care in the world. i couldn't fathom how he could just move on & not have any idea what he did!
after living with him I saw the true him. so insecure always needing to be patted on the back with excessive praise for doing little things. he thought whatever he did was just the shit and no matter how much i told him thank you he would always come back later and tell me i didn't appreciate it.
they're also very paranoid. so afraid to fall off their own pedastal. they have no confidence.
next time you see him. really look at him and listen to him. you will see this. listen to your instincts.
they can't stand if someone doesn't like them altho they come across as hard asses who don't give a shit. but in a week that person will be their best friend.
they speak badly one day and then glorify what they've said the next.
jaycee the only person they care about is themselves. that's the bottom line. no matter how hard we try to get them to see what we see and feel they never will. it took me awhile to accept that. and it hurt like fricking hell. i bawled like an animal caught in a trap.
coming here every day and reading and reading the same things from everyone about their actions and their loss of soul is what helped me get over the edge.
i had hope for mine for soo many years but this last time he showed me what he's honestly made of...nothing. and he got worse thru the years. he broke my spirit and the wonderful woman i was. now i'm getting her back and it feels good.
you will never get your investment back. I know, it must be incredible painfull for you to have spent so many years - for nothing - but really, is it nothing, you have two wonderful kids, so it wasnt for nothing, and your investment is justified through having 2 kids that you raised and could give a family life too.
for the rest and the romantic part - you have to see it for what it is, and not trying any more to stem the rejection and the deceit. YOu cannot stem it away, you only increase your grief.
You are strong, you are NOT a victim, not any more, it is in your hands, you dont have to stay in the situation, thank god, your kids are grown up, no need to stay in contact with him. GO NC!
so in otherwords, he is finally admitting he is happy with the ow, after months of telling me hes so unhappy there. i thought they are never happy but i imagine right now he thinks he is happy with her and wants to get me to move on so he doesnt feel any responsiblity for me. is he telling me hes happy with her
You wrote:
so in otherwords, he is finally admitting he is happy with the ow, after months of telling me hes so unhappy there. i thought they are never happy but i imagine right now he thinks he is happy with her and wants to get me to move on so he doesnt feel any responsiblity for me. is he telling me hes happy with her
Let me explain to you what he's telling you...
ksjoielekt kdjoeintuubt keioitoihiowoie! slkehtoih? joiehtoihhehthoi. I'm happy and I love you and don't really want to be there eoitoh4hlk, however, oiethoithioi. BUT, I have to do this right now. lkeri dkoiithoihaoiaoihei.
It's all BS! Stop listening...put the focus on you!
As I said, I doubt these jerks can be happy, what they feel when they think they are happy, is the satisfaction of controlling women like you and her, then they have a false sense of stability.
The boddom line is, yes he is telling you to move on, and I swear, you dont get out of stuck before you face the worst scenario. Why? Cause then you are waiting for a proof that he is unhappy - till you can find peace and be happy again.
Do you want to wait for that? Do you really want to wait for you to be happy and smile again and enjoying life till you found out and found proof that he is unhappy? Being happy about other peoples unhappiness - even if they are satans like that, it never works, I was so long stuck in that, but you need to face that, need your ego to face that, he doesnt love you, and he might be thinking right now he is happy....can you live with it, tell yourself that again and again, after some days, I promise you, the obsession will start to decrease and you finally reach some point of relieve, cause then you are FORCED to refocus, refocus away from him.
jen, is he really finally admitting he is happy with her, why has he lied for months and even in this conversation has lied and said thats not what i mean, you twist everything, im not happy with her, but i want you to be happy, so if a boyfriend makes you happy then find one. last week he told me he doesnt want me to date ever, now suddenly he wants me to find a boyfriend,pls tell me hes just being cruel, and mind fn with me to hurt me more. please tell me hes not happy with her, please, i cant handle that,no, no hes told me time and time again she makes his life hell and he wants out......please tell me he would go crazy if i had a boyfriend and cut off his security supply, why all the sudden does he want me to find a boyfriend.....
I told you to face the worst secenario, not because I think he is happy, but for you to move on. Yes he wants you to move on. Seriously, did you ever heard of a story of a woman becoming happy with a man, who doesnt want to be with her (anymore).
I guess you dont want to be with him anymore either. Face that. Face that you can't win that game, jaycee. he will tell you this week to find a boyfriend, last week he told you to not date around, he doesnt give a crap about you. Face that. He doesnt love you, he doesnt.
And you wont ever be happy again with him, ever. He might wanted to hurt you, he might is happy, he might wants to get out, as long as your happiness and thoughts are wrapped around his insanity and instabilty, your happiness will be instable too.
Can your ego live with the idea....put your focus away from him - now, he might be happy today, unhappy tomorrow - who cares - he is mental disordered - your happiness has nothing to do with him...please take your focus away from him, jaycee!
why all the sudden is he wanting me to have a boyfriend when he has tortured me with the i miss you ilove you i never want you to date, i dont want you to move on, but now saying i want you to be happy. wtf, is he serious or just being a mind fn narc.....i cant accept he is happy with her, he is so up and down, it cant be, suddenly hes so happy.........
and as long as you listen to his crap, you mind will be fucked.
It is over, jaycee, you have to end it. End it, take control over your life, and end it.
As long as your focusing about him being happy or not, or what he SAIS, you are doomed. His words are just words. Its just blahblahblah, his actions show you, who he really is. And you wont get any satisfaction by WAITING, that he really really really becomes unhappy.
You have to become happy, no matter if he is unhappy or not.
for himself, dont ever misunderstand these damn tactics, I heard it thousand times...this is not about you, he wants to feel better, he wants to be the good guy, and he wants to get rid off responsibility.
Jaycee, I know its hard, you might wont get any peace before you make peace with the most worst imagination:
What is the worst scenario for you? That he doesnt love you, he never did, he doesnt give a crap about you - and he is happy right now with this other woman....
I know its hard, and I doubt they can be really happy, BUT FOR YOU finding peace, always try to face your internal worst scenario....and try to make peace with it...the obsessing will decrease like that, I promise!
With her comment: "What is the worst scenario for you? That he doesnt love you, he never did, he doesnt give a crap about you - and he is happy right now with this other woman...."
If this is the truth, that he is truly happy with this homewrecker.....then its only because she is a pig exactly like him, and they are the only ones that truly "understand" each other.
If that's the case, it should make it an easier pill to swallow. You don't want to be the one who "gets" him, Jaycee. That would make you just like him. So let the two pigs wallow in their own shit, and just let it go.
shaynasmommy, you are right, but if he is truly happy with her, and couldnt be with a good woman like me, then what is wrong with me, what did i do wrong, i feel like if i were different, he would want me and not every bottom feeder on the planet, i wish they would wallow in their own shit and then destroy each other and it be over, but who knows......i should have fought her tooth and nail, instead, i rolled over and played dead and let her win..........
but what do you win?More heartache? Stress?Emotional abuse?
Your N strikes me as being one of those guys who gets an ego boost from having women fight over him (insert eye-roll here)
He'll triangulate, just to get twisted kicks.The only way you win is by not playing the game.
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but the OW in your case did you a big favor---she took out your trash for you.Let her keep it.They deserve each other--they're both jerks.Water seeks its own level.And their level is WAY beneath yours.
that's the whole point here, he's the defective one. And Healthy people are not compatible with Unhealthy ones.
It just wouldnt matter if you were different in ANY way. Because its ALL ABOUT HIM.
With out a doubt the realisation that my narc never loved me was the hardest lesson of my life , my god the pain of that was like nothing i have ever felt , but i had to feel it , i let it in in small little bursts as i think that was the only way my brain could cope with it . I have still have days when i will not accept it and thoses are the days the obsessinal thought are bad .Time and care of youre self and family is what you need , time heals everything . Head down and feel , no one died by crying for 2 weeks solid .. 2 months solid or how ever long it takes ...
And NO he will never be happy with anyone .. never .. ever ... he is disordered with little or no emotion so long term happy is just not in his range of feelings .
Big love and hugs to you , i know what a hard time you are having and we are all here for you .. betty says baby steps and it is so ture .xx
He is mind fucking you , as the narc will do if you let him , this classic saying one thing at the begining to a conversation and ending it saying the oppisite is text book narc speech . an exsample of mine
him :i love you and i think we should take our relationship to the next leavel .
me: ok i love you too
him :i think we should split up though as i dont have feeling s for you , i think you love me more than i love you .
WTF ... no really WTF ....
Its like there is two diffrent people inside of him one having no recolection of what the other is saying , i wouldnt think this exsisted unless i have seen it with my own eyes .It is all part of the disorder , its crazy , it makes no sence and the sooner you realise it the better you will be xx
Look , would you expect a person with down syndrome opperate on you in a hospital ? no way would you , so , why are you letting someone who has a brain disorder run your love life . If you can really get this point then you will be well on youre way to healing .
They have done lots of tests and mri scans on theses narcs brains and the bits that should be normal are inlarged or smaller than normal , mostly the bits that deal with emotion and empathy but lots more beside . The fact is they where born with a disorder , they look normal and sometimes they act normal but they are not as you have just pointed out his mad contradiction this morning compaired to the afternoon ...Its all part of it . big hugs to you .. stay here you will get it in the end , it takes a while . xxxxx
How are you...I've read alot but I haven't come across the part about them being "born" with this disorder...I am interested in where you found this article - not for the purposes of sympathy but I have a theory on something.
Thanks!
I don't know how to link but Bohdi posted a thread titled
Co- narcissim that is currently on page eighteen that I found interesting... because I suspect heredity is a factor. And this therapist claims that to the best of his knowledge, every single narcissist and co-narcissist that he's treated had an N parent or grandparent.
My Ns parents were both very narcissistic. And I suspect my father is an N, though he comes off jovial as can be.
Anyway, I thought you might find the article interesting too.
If you you tube Psycopath psycopath . There is a really intresting doc about the traits of a narc /psycopath and the research being done on this disorder . Low empathy personality disorders ie narc , psycopath and well all diffrent kind . please read and research all you can . Troll the internet for information , the light bulb moments you get really help to hurry youre healing along .
big love xx
I only hope i can come back here again tomorrow!!!!
I just got involved with the same N for the second time.
What was I thinking? Because I have put myself back to the same point where I am blaming myself again. And for what?
I want to get rid of these feelings again.
Love your advice here, I have imagined the worst scenerio and realized that i have enough to push through it..everyday that passes i am more attuned to gifts that come from places I never thought of before, i've learned to recognize and accept these gifts (humbly) and start to rebuild myself..like coming out of a hole...Jaycee, this OW has NOTHING that you do not in terms of ANYTHING that you can do about it...It's all about HIS SUPPLY...someday she will find this out, after the FB incident, she is already stressing...NO MORE from you...please stop obsessing him and start obsessing you...do this for your daughter and yourself..life goes on regardless..so you might as well start enjoying it without him. peace and light~ tica
Jaycee
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replies
Jaycee
Jaycee...
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jen
Jaycee
mindfuck yes
he just wants to feel better
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Jaycee
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Jaycee-there's nothing wrong with you
Jaycee...
Do You Believe He is a Bottom-Feeder?
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Jaycee
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Hey Scoop...
Michelle115
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If you you tube Psycopath
I am in such a bad place right now
I just got involved with the same N for the second time.
What was I thinking? Because I have put myself back to the same point where I am blaming myself again. And for what?
I want to get rid of these feelings again.
Jen79