Forgiveness and Letting Go

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Aug 24 - 2AM (Reply to #26)
broken23
broken23's picture

ditto i had a shred of upper

ditto i had a shred of upper edge when i suspected he was cheating but when i read his email and confirmed it, i was the awful person and boy did he hate me and launch a smear campaign against me making me out to be some psycho
Aug 24 - 9AM (Reply to #27)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

same here

launched a smear campaign against me .... but then the confusing part is that he kept coming back and back and back for another year....even though I was not receiving hiim warmly and was trying to push him away (but I guess I was a challenge at that point and it made it all the more rewarding!) I just don't know how you can smear someone to people you know and then keep coming back to the person you smeared! How do they explain this to the people they just smeared you against? I'm sure it is some concocted lie like we were blackmailing them or otherwise somehow forcing them to stay in our lives. I don't even want to know the 2nd layer of lies he told to explain why he kept forcing himself into my life after he trashed my character! Probably some self righteous thing about how he had to make sure he saved my company and all of its poor, starving employees - because surely I wasn't competent to do it myself! And someone had to make sure that everyone stayed employed!!! (at this point visualize clark kent ripping his shirt and revealing the superman inside, becuase I think this is how he views himself!) But maybe that is why he switches women so often.... once he tells a set of lies to one, he can't then retain that relationship without concocting a whole new set of complicated lies - it gets too confusing!
Aug 23 - 9PM (Reply to #22)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Trust

this is projection, isn't it???? They say they can't TRUST US after we read something that they wrote that was plotting to cheat on us, deceive us, betray us, manipulate us....etc...etc... And the crazy thing is that I felt very, very guilty about it and I thought he was right "well, of course he can't trust me anymore!" That I was the one responsible for the "breakup" of our relationship. That is how good they are at twisting things. But wouldn't a logical person on the outside agree that betraying, lying, cheating, deceiving, and manipulating the person they have told is their "soulmate", "best friend", "most special person on the planet" are worse than reading someone's email that they hid from you when you sat down and then left it up in the room and walked out?
Aug 23 - 9PM (Reply to #23)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Yep, that's the part about

Yep, that's the part about completely screwing up our perceptions of reality. Kind of like, the man I met after you went off on your little 12 day trip, telling me you would be gone 4 or 5 days and then dropping off the planet, does NOT equate to the dozens you have been f*cking and stringing along for 10 yrs. Not to mention the fact that I had formally ended any desire to see or hear from you again before being involved with anyone else and the fact that I actually ended that relationship for your lying cheating promising ass and you never ended yours with any of them. But yet you see some comparison or excuse between my one relationship and your hundreds of regularly scheduled f*ck buddies. Kinda like that. Or I have maybe a thousand other perfect examples of how the 'unacceptable by anyone in their right mind' became overlooked as I let him come back again and again. almostlydia

almostlydia

Aug 23 - 10PM (Reply to #24)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

unacceptable by anyone in their right mind

yep, my friends told me over and over again to break it off. Finally, my best friend looked me in the eyes and said "LOML, you are a smart girl. I HATE him for what he has done to you. Wake up! Don't you realize you are being abused! I feel like I am looking at someone who has battered wife syndrome and you are smarter than that! You are a wonderful person, you don't need anyone in your life who is treating you like this!" Somehow people on the outside can see it and make a quick assessment, but we can't see it and we learn to live with it becuase we are soooo brainwashed!" The frog in the boiling pot analogy
Aug 23 - 11PM (Reply to #25)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

LOML

That friend is a keeper. almostlydia

almostlydia

Aug 23 - 8PM (Reply to #20)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Forgiveness is NOT for him

God, your story sounds so much like mine - the work crap and all. Forgiveness is not for him. It's for you. And you don't give it to him. You give it for yourself. All while keeping NC. Only you'll know when you ready to forgive, or even if you will. But I'll bet the longer you go NC, the more you educate yourself, and the more you experience the wonders of the world without influence from a psycho, the more able you'll be to forgive. I've forgiven him. It happened gradually but I realized it consciously this past week. But I would never tell him that I have because I don't owe him anything.
Aug 23 - 1PM (Reply to #18)
OriginalMe
OriginalMe's picture

Ditto Cluelessuntilnow

I used to pray that God would heal his heart and allow him to truly see the wonderful life that we have with clear vision. I also used to pray and ask for God to allow him to forgive ME.. That is how warped my mind was as I was being D&D'd. I then would pray that God lead me to a place of understanding and peace with my relationship. I can truly say that he did answer my prayer, because he led me to my own place and my own peace of mind (although it has been slow coming). That is what I am most thankful for, being able to have my own mind and my own thoughts not be told what I should be thinking and feeling or what I am thinking and feeling is wrong and weak. Yes, the lord does work in mysterious ways..

"Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Aug 23 - 11AM
janine
janine's picture

Deliverance

Wanting to forgive is certainly positive but not something we can do from our willpower, though willingness must be there. Sometimes it may not be possible. I managed it in an unusual way while still with my ex. Having a separate life made it easier. I had realized early on that surely my addiction to him must stem from within me. Had I tried to leave I'd only have gone back. I had to do it from the inside out.I had a self-help group for sex addiction (mine, but it helped understand his, too), therapy, read endless books and prayed. Those stages of healing, described on the forum, take time. When angry trying to forgive is pointless. So many have been badly abused and discarded. One needs to be patient, progress cannot be forced. Spirituality and faith helped me most. When I left him, there was just some mild anger left. But I have forgiven him as well as myself. I do not condone his acting at all, but I'm free from the anger that had tied me to him. I wish everyone here patience, strength and deliverance.
Aug 23 - 9AM
naivenomore
naivenomore's picture

Goldie is right

I am just at the beginning stages of this forgiveness thing and I, too, have been wrestling with it like mad! I finally cornered both my minister and my counsellor on how you forgive someone who's caused you SO much pain? Believe me, I didn't let up on them as it has frustrated me for a long, long time in my life, not just with the NARC. So I thought I'd share how they explained it to me that made sense and has helped me with it. Again, I stress that I'm just at the beginning stage of this new channel of forgiveness, but I'm believing them. They pointed out that to not forgive forces us to hold onto the misery of the N as we retain the anger ('gotta get him punished somehow). The holding on of the anger makes us stuck and we can't get free of the N. It doesn't hurt the NARC in any way at all just because we hold onto this anger - it only hurts you! I trust that God will provide for both the NARC and I - I just wouldn't want to be the NARC! Try to let go of the 'pay-back' stuff and instead pay yourself back the love that you deserve.
Aug 23 - 8AM
Steph
Steph's picture

I too, would love to hear

I too, would love to hear thoughts and suggestions on how to do this. I am struggling with forgiveness.....I feel like I can't forgive because that would be like saying it's ok what he did. However, because I can't forgive.....I feel like it is holding me back from truley moving on. It is almost like I am scared to really let it go and I don't know why. I don't know what it is exactly that I am still holding onto....
Aug 23 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
Amy
Amy's picture

Letting go

I think you may be scared to let it go because you are protecting yourself. That is what I am doing... If I forgive him and let it all go like I have always done, then I am vulnerable. I think there are situations where forgiving and forgetting is important, but this is not one of them.
Aug 23 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

I totally agree with you, Amy-letting go

In this situation, I don't think God requires us to forgive right away. He knew what He was doing when He created every single emotion we ever experience for a reason, and sometimes anger is an emotion that is essential for our very survival. It takes time, NC, and healing before we get to that point. As soon as we are out of the danger zone with the Narc, and healed enough to see things from a different angle, then the work of forgiveness can begin. When I think of forgiving my ex, its not about forgiving the actual despicable things he did to me and probably continues to do to everyone after me. It is a process in which I have had to forgive several injustices that led up to the situation. 1. The weakness of the N. If they had thier own strength, they woldnt be N's. But that was strangled out of them at a very early age, at no fault of their own, so that I can forgive. 2. My own weak moments-the ones that led me down that path of destruction. That I wasnt strong enough to say "no" all of those years. Those are my own issues that had nothing to do with the N, and probably formed early on in my own childhood. That, surprisingly was harder to forgive than #1, but I can forgive myself for not being perfect. 3. Other past experiences that helped to form my way of thinking about myself that facilitated the infiltration of the N(s). My father was distant and critical, my mother put up with a lot (and still does) from him. I saw that, and modelled it. No family is perfect, and my parents basically meant well, so I can forgive that, too. I guess what I had to do is forgive the world in general. It is imperfect. And myself, too. I will never be perfect. There will be another point in my life where I feel vunerable in some way, but never again like I was with N. And don't get me wrong, Im not done yet with the process of forgiveness, that's why I was directed here to this site. I just needed a long break from the situation and put a whole lot of life in between now and 8 years ago, so I could come back with a fresh perspective and the courage to face it and put it to rest. I suspect that's why most of us "old timers" on this board are here, for some unfinished business. It's more about acceptance, than actual forgiving the Narc of his Evil deeds. Its not my job to forgive my Ex Narc of the things he did, because If I actually told him that, he wouldnt even acknowledge it anyways. Its up to God to forgive certain people, not us, because between people, forgiveness is a two way street, there has to be acknowlegment and remorse, and then forgiveness and reconciliation. In these cases, its not possible. So I leave that part to God.
Aug 23 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
Amy
Amy's picture

Very well said

I do think we absolutely must forgive ourselves. I know I told friends this weekend that I was "so stupid" to get engaged to him. They all told me that they understood - and that I wasn't. Very supportive. I am working on being as supportive of myself as they are! :) I just don't feel like I can forgive HIM for what he did - again and again and again. For me it is not about hate, it is self-protection. I have finally hit that point where I can't take any more from him, and I have learned that what he does is unacceptable (I say "does" instead of "did" because I know he can never change). Believe me, I have WISHED so many times that he could be the loving person he presented himself to be. But that guy does not really exist. I loved a man who is not real. I have an ex that I am very good friends with, and my son's dad and I can now get along. So, if I don't feel danger, I can forgive.
Aug 23 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Amy

And you absolutely do not have to forgive what he did. Since it was done knowingly, and in the most calculating way, then there's no room for an "oops" or "I fucked up because I wasn't thinking clearly." No. You don't forgive what they did. And they don't want your forgiveness, anyways, only power over you. Even a narc is coherent enough to know that when you forgive them and move on, you take your power back, and they hate that! You work on forgiving yourself for your own weaknesses. And learn from your experiences. Take care of yourself and get strong, adnlike I said, leave the rest to God. He doesn't expect us to be Him, anyways.
Aug 24 - 7AM (Reply to #11)
Used
Used's picture

amy

in away i agree. for me to totally forgive and forget the n arc,s means, in my case i would become complacent, after i divorced my exh,i got better, got back on track, i became complacent, met a woman who was everything my mum was, but told my self i would know the score, i didnt, that ended so badly i became ill, met the n, only male friend ide ever had, and thought well it will be alright, cos he was male, haha. he was my mother again in male form. so for me i wont forget, but the person i couldnt forgive most, is myself, for time and time again since i was 15, going in to the same situations with the same unhappy people, who wanted to take me in to the abyss with them, and i let every one of them, so i dont forgive them but i dont forgive my self even more, and ime glad, i was in a situation today, where i was going to do something[not related to narcs], but i thought why have i got a gut instinct about it, so instead of blindly going where angels fear to tread, i thought , no think about this, that was this morning, this afternoon i had a phonecall,and was telling them, and they said, i dont think thats a good idea, and for once you have listened to your gut instinct. i am glad i did, i had enough of those feelings with the n,s but dissmissed them.if it doesnt feel right, its not right.
Aug 23 - 8AM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

accepting and letting go....

After a year and8 months after D&D i am starting to let go.....accept yes,because there is no other way,i tried everything so now finally i am NC since a month ,so i am letting it go but forget,no and forgive...No Way...not because i don,t want to forgive and forget,is because it is just not happenning....He is NC on me for a long time now,so i decided that was time for me to go NC on him...i am pretty sure he will aknowledge what i am saying without saying ONE word....I am doing it for me,I know i am NC ...but forgive,no,he just hurted a lot of people,not only me....My silence will really mean more then all the words and actions towards him....I want him to live a long and miserable life....ALONE

Aceonelady

Aug 24 - 3AM (Reply to #2)
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

aceonelady ........

I feel the same exact way. I will NEVER forgive or forget the abuse he has heaped on me. And if anyone thinks that makes me lesser of a person then so be it. I have accepted the situation for what it is and I have let it go, but that is about as far as I am willing to go at this point !! Sorry to sound so BRUTAL, but it would take me FOREVER to forget what he did, let alone forgive him. And I believe in God and pray every night to give me strength to get thru this. And he has and I have (slowly, but it's getting there) !! Sometimes I would question if it was something I had done in the past that God is punishing me for. If not, then why am I the one hurting so bad while the N is off living his life (living it with a crack whore but still.....) !! I guess by me letting go and trying to move on, in some ways, if I really think about it, I have forgiven what has happened, but NOT the person that did it, if that makes sense. I am just trying to hold onto the fact that karma will be knocking at his door soon enough.
Aug 24 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

happydaysahead....

What i really do believe now is that those N guys really have a very low self esteem and hate themselves,because they do let down women like us (good and caring)and low themselves to those other type of women....crack addicts etc...i think they feel attracted to them because those women are like them and allow them to treat them like shit.....and they feel superior for a while.....My ex N told me after the D&D THAT HE IS DIRT AND LOVE IS NOT FOR HIM....i think is the first time he spoke the truth.....love aceonelady

Aceonelady

Aug 24 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
Used
Used's picture

aceonelady

i fully agree with what you say, these menknow what they are, i have always belived that, but as long as they can chat up a woman, be it skank, crack ho, the lowest of the low, they then can say to themselves i can still attract a woman, but as i said to exn, so can any man get these women, they ,like him, are anybodys. as you say they feel superior ,for a while, when n said he met a woman in a shop, and she gave him her phone number straight away, i said, what did it make you feel special, she will give it to anyone. he got offended, then said no i didnt feel special, i was just telling you. but i had burst his bubble, he went into a depression for the rest of the day. pretty sad human beigns.
Aug 24 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

Hi used....

I will tell you this....WHen i left my home in Europe to be with ex N in TUlsa,he was waiting at the airport for me...sitting there,talking to a cleaning girl from the Airport,whe i saw him i called his name,(i had travelled 6 thousnd miles fro amsterdam to Tulsa) he saw me,that girl walked towards me,saying that she was only talking to him,and she hasn't nothing to do with him....I really thought that she was somebody giving him directions where to wait for me to arrive or something.....he started telling me her cousin worked too at Housing Authority where he works...And that was my welcome to Tulsa,i didn't asked anything because i didn,t wanted to spiol our first meeting after 2 years talking on Skype daily....and i was happy i could hold him....when i got to his house,he emptyed his pockets ant a phone number on a pink paper came out....Laura...2 days after he D&D me saying that to f***k me he hhad to think about something else...after having sex with me,oral and more....(please read my story)Its has been 2 years and i am still not over the terrible things he did to me and said in the 2 months i was there....i am crying right now i really want to die sometimes,i still don,t get it....

Aceonelady

Aug 24 - 7AM (Reply to #6)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Lol

Yeah my X was bragging about how this girl was checking him out when we were out one evening with friends and I said oh do you mean the pregnant chick drinking a beer? My other friends says oh really, it's a good thing that I did not see this, I would have reamed her out. My X didn't look so proud of himself after those comments. God bless, Goldie
Aug 24 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
Used
Used's picture

goldie

i used to call n, a big girls blouse, cos he went on and on, like an old woman, anyway, i met him one day, his first word,s were, oh i met a woman yesterday, i said ,so did she. after his forehead stop frowning, he got it. poor boy.
Aug 24 - 5AM (Reply to #3)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I love this Forum

You are too funny, "living it with a crack ho but still" LOL!!! I recently found out that my X was seeing a crack ho before me and most likely during me so I was like, this just keeps getting better and better. My competition was a crack ho? I was kissing his ass to hold on to him from a crack ho? He and I went to a councelor and I was crying about all his X's and how he kept throwing them in my face and the councelor who was male said: Oh please, this man is in total awe of you and these girls you are describing are NO competition to you. Kind of a wake up call for me, I was crying over his Cumberland Farms worker GF who lived like a pig and was constantly fighting with people and his Lobster Hut GF who was clearly using him and seldom left the house, his married GF who is obsessessed with Adam from the cooking network(I mean obsessed, you should see her FB tribute), and a crack ho who got kicked out of a rooming house because she was selling herself out of her room. WOW and who has the problem here?? While I am working on forgiveness and letting go I need a major dose of SELF ESTEEM. This is what makes me the saddest of all is that I cryed and was jealous over the OW and I can see now that he did all of this on purpose to keep me down and insecure. I need to forgive myself for being such a little wussie girl with this man. I allowed him to have so much power over me and my love for him was blind to the reality of what was actually happening. He took full advantage of my kindness. God bless, Goldie