Brad2723's Story

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#1 Aug 17 - 9AM
OriginalMe's picture

Brad2723's Story

So I have spent the last month and a half wondering around in a fog trying to figure out what just happened to me. I met my ex a little over a year ago and there was an instant connection. He was the man I always dreamed of. He was genuine and kind, and so I naturally fell in love. Red Flag #1: We were dating for a week when he asked me why lease was up on my place, because he wanted me to move in. This went ignored and laughed it off.

He rushed me to meet his family. I am a professional, and have a great career, a solid head on my shoulders, extremely outgoing and I have a solid foundation of lifelong friendships.

He is introverted, cerebral, always online, only has two friends; one who is local (a horrible influence on him) and one who has known him his entire life who lives 4 hours away.

I started spending lots of time at his house, which was always unkempt, and I cleaned it. We went to my friends holiday party and he and his best friend just sat on the couch and talked to each other and no one else. When I saw them get up and go to the dining room, I followed them in, to which I was immediately greeted with a "Can't you see we are talking?" Red Flag #2.

I moved in in January, and then he went cold. He would sit in the house for an entire afternoon and not say a word to me. We traveled all of the time and we were always arguing when we did. He would constantly ask if I was upset, even if I wasn't he would ask. That in itself made me mad.

When we would talk about our relationship, I would bring up things he said and he would immediately reply with "I never said that" or "I believe you believe you heard me say that".

Sex was only given when I asked for it, and never initiated by him after I moved in. I would go to bed and he would be up until 3 or 4 in the morning on the internet.

He started to pull away, and became very territorial, referring to every thing as his and not ours.

He was condescending and demeaning in the most subtle of ways. But enough to erode my self-esteem and self-worth.

On July 2nd I asked him if I needed to get my own place because I was not comfortable and he seemed to pull away, he said NO! The next day he wanted to talk, and I said great. I told him I loved him, and his reply was "I love that you love me" I was gutted. I told him that it is not fair to be in a relationship where someone who used to love me and tell me they loved me no longer does. He replied with "If you want me to tell you I am not in love with, then I am not in love with you"

I packed a bag and left. I was devastated. I went back the next day, and he had gone out with his friend. We laid in bed but did not talk. We went to lunch and shopped. When I asked if it was really over he said, I though we settled that yesterday. It was so easy for him to switch to "friends".

We hung out a couple more times, he took me to the movie on moving day after the movers left. He was depressed when he saw the empty house.

Then two days after the mover picked up most of my things, I go over when he was at work to get the rest of my things and notice condom wrappers on the night stand in our bedroom. I felt like I was drop kicked. I sent him a text that said "looks like you have healed fast" and he responded with a "did you leave the keys?"

Ran into him that next week, and for the first time I saw a soul-less human through his eyes.

A friend told me about narcissism, and I had no clue. I read up on it and was floored that it seemed like a play book for our relationship.

I was an empty shell of a human and so depressed after we broke up, but when I read up on N's, I sent him an email that said I no longer want to communicate with you and that I SEE YOU, and attached a description of a relationship with an N.

He wrote back that he no longer wanted communication with me.. Isn't that what I said in the email???

I'm so confused and feel utterly used!

Sep 16 - 4PM
hooklineandsinker's picture

Hi Brad, yours sounds

Hi Brad, yours sounds IDENTICAL to mine, with the exception of the moving in and the condom wrappers (although his place could have been littered with them the very next night, for all I know). It will get better. I know exactly what you mean about the "What the FUCK just happened?" fog. It really is cognitive dissonance and having the horrible sensation of having wandered into an alternate universe, when you think of the beginning or first few blissful months and then look at your life now. It's a horrible sensation of having a rug pulled out from under you when you didn't even know there was a rug there in the first place. I reminded mine of all the incredibly loving and affectionate things he had said to me over the course of the relationship and he just said "That was then". That was then? I mean, what, were you on drugs or something? Part of some weird government experiement or some shit? Your brain literally doesn't know what to do with the situation. It's happened to us all!
Sep 16 - 2PM
lisalisa47's picture

Hi Brad - welcome to the road out of hell`

Hey Brad, These human beings confound us because at first, as you said, they are EVERYTHING WE DREAMED - AKA someone who loves and accepts us just the way we are, and usually it's people like us who get involved with them because deep down inside, that's all WE were ever looking for to begin with. But, at least in my case, i now realize i had always concentrated on another as a way to not "focus"on myself, yet i considered myself accepted fully by MYSELF, but am learning i really didn't Does that make sense at all? Anyway, realize that that narcs WANT TO BE LIKE US but deep down they know they cant, yet - neither do they have the courage or the termerity to face down their demons, and in the case of mine, he rarely admitted to HAVING a negative emotion at all, because to him that was a WEAKNESS. BUT, since he had been "copying" people's emotions all his life to fit in (molestation victim, sad) he was an expert at being whoever you wanted him to be. And isnt that what we all want from a person? A reflection of our true selves reflected from the eyes of another who ACCEPTS US and makes us feel connected? Hang in there - remember you are the strong one, not him - Like the vampire LEstat - he wants to BE YOU and rages because he cannot. You will learn a lot here Brad and you are among friends. Welcome


Aug 17 - 4PM
broken23's picture

welcome brad sorry you had

welcome brad sorry you had to join us but glad you are here and can find support. there are amazing people on this site. read are going to start to see alarming patterns and similarities in his behavior and all of the others who have suffered the same kind of D&D (devalue and discard). he sounds like a typical their hallmark is the inability to empathize. Combine that with the subtle put downs and abuse .... you dont know what hit you and why you are so depressed. the reason why he send you an because he needs to have control. again, typical. i caught mines cheating. he called the last day and said...i need a new start...uhh yeahhh hello um i think that is pretty clear. they need to think they control the situation...and then he can go tell that story to himself and others. if you hold them accountable for actions like you hurt me you already moved will always be met with twice the asshole response...which seems like you did in your case. i mean why would he ever look at how hurtful he is...he is perfect in his eyes. be glad you only wasted a short span of time with this piece of crap....
Aug 17 - 4PM (Reply to #12)
OriginalMe's picture

Thank you Broken23

I appreciate the kind words. As I read some other stories, I am thankful that my situation was not as brutal. And I even start to question whether I am in the wrong for diagnosing him, and then the good times flood my brain, and that is when I hit the wall. I see his actions now, and I can see him for what he is, but there is still hurt and hope. Dangerous combination right? Like the saying goes: "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them!"

"Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Aug 17 - 11AM
sparky2009's picture

how long after you moved in

how long after you moved in did you realize something was wrong with him?
Aug 17 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
OriginalMe's picture

about a month. the distance

about a month. the distance and withdraw started.

"Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Sep 16 - 4PM (Reply to #10)
hooklineandsinker's picture

Whoa, that quickly? Mine

Whoa, that quickly? Mine managed six months before the silent hostility started. Not sure which is worse - at least you weren't dug in too far. It really will fade in time because as you say (and mine is similar) it wasn't as brutal as some of the other horrifying stories on this site so hopefully PTSD won't be a factor x
Aug 17 - 10AM
moonshine's picture


I am sorry you feel this way. You have come to the right place. Your story is pretty much my story. I moved in as he wanted juts a "room mate"...which I did not realize. I laughed it off to thinking no person would joke about that and still want to spend time with me seriously. I cooked ..cleaned. He spent time on the internet ..watching porn. I said I need to move out....he said he needed me. I moved out despite seeing this is not going anywhere. now he is just mean to me. I think you could start reading stories here and start to heal. People here have helped me to get through my day. You are not alone....I went through the same thing.
Aug 17 - 10AM
Used's picture


good for you,and his returning your ,i dont want communacation, is so in his head he did it first, he didnt you did, they have such a fear of rejection, thats why they usually d/d you, when they see you losing interest, give you time to miss them and then come back like it never happened. great stuff from you.
Aug 17 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
OriginalMe's picture

What does D/D mean? I am

What does D/D mean? I am not sure if he ever will try to contact me again after I told him I know who he really is. My friends say that he will after time, because the good memories of me will come back. I really want NOTHING to do with this man again, and want to try and figure out his next move before he makes it so I can be prepared.

"Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Aug 25 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
ShaynasMommy's picture


You don't really have to figure out what his next "move" is if you just keep up the NC. You have to love yourself enough to do this.
Aug 17 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
Used's picture


d/d means something like devalue you then discard you, as for him coming back, yes they do but not for the good memories of you, they dont even think like that, it will be ime bored, i need a challange, oh i know i will try brad, see whats going on there and see if i can, and if you do go back, what he has all ready done will be nothing, compared to what he will do if you go back.if you read everything on here you will soon get the picture.
Aug 17 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
OriginalMe's picture

I am only at 5 weeks of no

I am only at 5 weeks of no contact, and am worried that if he called to say he wanted to chat, I would listen to him and get sucked back in!

"Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Aug 25 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
agnesmurphy17's picture

When He Calls

You said you felt bad 'diagnosing' him. Well, if he calls, then you will know that he's a narcissist. They always 'recycle' 'supply' (you & me, the victims). Don't go back because next time it will only be worse. He will be more awful. Your guy seems to have something off with him. Incapable of treating you the way you deserve to be treated. You say you are a professional, and extrovert. You may be lonely & this guy filled a void (in the beginning) because he had so little in his life (except the midnight internet which was probably porn & this is why he was not interested in being with you in the middle of the night). And, yes, like all these jerks--he replaced you very quickly. Very likely, he had new supply lined up before you left (ah, internet dating). So, whatever this jerk is, it doesn't matter. You deserve better. Change your phone number, e-mail, everything -- if you are afraid that you will not be able to resist that phone call which just may very well be coming in the near future if the dude who left the condoms dumps him.