Binxmama's Story

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#1 Aug 12 - 11AM
binxmama's picture

Binxmama's Story

I'm glad to have found a place where people can understand what I have been going through. For a while there, I thought that I was the crazy one and couldn't understand why someone would have treated me this way.I'm so mad at myself for wasting a year of my life on someone like this!

I met him online last April , and he actually lived 3 blocks away from my house, so I saw him a lot in the beginning. I should have seen the red flags when he said that he was 52 and never married. He also said that he and his Mom were a package deal.He said that his last relationship ended because his ex cheated on him when they were broken up? Huh?

He also mentioned that he had a lot of "platonic" female friends and hoped that wouldn't bother me. He was always talking badly about them.

I also thought that it was weird that he slept on his couch and didn't have a bed. I've read that people who are emotionally unavailable usually have a twin bed, so there will be no room for anyone else.

There was always something "off" about the relationship that I couldn't quite put my finger on. At first, he was very affectionate and attentive,and called me everyday. If I didn't answer the phone the first time he called, he would keep calling until he got ahold of me. He even told me that he loved me after a few weeks and was asking my opinions on marriage.

When I told him about my feelings for him, and wanting to spend more time together, he suddenly started to withdraw and wouldn't talk about why he was acting this way. Soon he would disappear for a while, wouldn't call when he said he
would and would make excuses like he fell asleep, he was too busy, etc.

He would also make excuses why he couldn't sit next to me on the couch.. he was getting a cold, had gas, his arm hurt.. etc.. I would wonder to myself, then
why are you here? He always seemed to have an excuse to avoid intimacy. He never was much into foreplay when we were intimate, it seemed like wham, bam thank you ma'am. I sometimes wonder if he had ever been with someone before.

He only stayed overnight once, when he got drunk and passed out asleep, We never even did anything that night.

He would always shut down, give me the silent treatment for days or change the subject when I wanted to talk about our relationship. When I asked him why he wasn't being affectionate anymore, he said that I needed to read the
Bible. Huh? He supposedly was Catholic, and I thought that maybe it was guilt or something like that.

Sometimes when he would come over, he would say not to hug or kiss him, that he hadn't taken a shower or brushed his teeth yet. I thought that was strange, because most men want to be affectionate.

Most of our communication seemed to be by short phone calls or emails. He seemed to call me 5 minutes before I had to leave for work to prevent talking to me.

On Christmas, he called to say "Merry Christmas" and that was it. He disappered for a week or two near New Years. On my birthday. he came by for a few minutes then left to go work on someone's electrical at their house. He always seemed to enjoy doing the volunteeer home repair for everyone, so they would think he was so great. I think that was his MO to keep women around. He would start working on something on their house and drag it out forever.

For Valentines Day, he didn't plan anything. His Mom made dinner, and again he was late for that. He was working on someone's house and kept calling me saying he was going to be late. By the time I got to his house, there was only enough time to eat, exchange cards and then I had to go. Inside of his card we wrote "My happiest times were spent with you". Really? Then why weren't you ever coming over to see me? I also got a small box of chocolates.

One time we were supposed to go to the movies, and his alcoholic friend that he talks badly about, had a leaking pipe in the wall. Of course. my N went over there to fix it and would call occasionally to say he was almost done and was getting ready to leave. At 8:30 pm. I decided to go to the movies by myself. I think he did that on purpose because it was a control thing. not having to do something that I wanted to do.

After the breakup and doing some research on the internet, I
figured out that he was emotionally unavailable and a narcissist and a Mamas's boy. That explained a lot!

One time he asked me to take a picture of him to send to his male friend that he used to work with.. I later found out that he posted that picture on and was actively
looking for someone to go dancing with.

His profile portrayed him as this successful salesperson who lives a high-lifestyle. The real truth was that he had just been laid off, lived with his Mom, was losing his house and was very irresponsible with money. I feel sorry for his next victim. He also went on and on is his profile how he was such a humble. spirtual guy and believed in courtship and romance.

He was always talking about how the men and women were always checking him out. He even commented on how he thought that the dog whisperer Cesar Milan was a good looking man and he would do him. Yuck! He always commented on how he was a "metrosexual" and was always concerned about people being obese/overweight.

His favorite thing to do with his alcoholic friend was to go out to the TGIF restaurant by the bar and make fun of all the people and the way they dressed. Yet, when he wasn't around this friend, he would talk badly about him and his wife. He never seemed to have a nice thing to say about anyone he knew.

He always wanted designer label clothes, yet he was always late on paying the bills. He seemed to be a germaphobe, yet lived in a very messy house. HIs house seemed to reflect the chaos of his lifestyle. When he was moving, he had boxes of old bills that we needed to shred that were years old. There were a lot of late notices in there that I don't think that he ever even opened.

When he was laid off from work, he got his Rolex watches
repaired, his car detailed, and bought some expensive dance shoes. I couldn't understand the logic of that.

He finally got a new job this year, but as I have read in other posts, he constantly complained about the co-workers and the boss being idiots.He seemed to be the only one who knew what he was doing, and said he would make the company lots of money. I know that when he had a project to do, he would never finish it on time, or seemed to take twice as long to do something .

He seemed to be a workaholic, but I think that's because he had bad time management skills. He was always running late. I think that was part of his control issues. He needed to be in control of when he would call me, when he would see me, or what we would do.

One time when he was working on this project in the backyard, he said "I would going to get us concert tickets for the Hollywood Bowl, but I decided that I needed a new level tool instead.".

He even has an Akita Dog that will bite anyone but him and his Mother. Is that the narcissist's perfect pet or what?

Most people don't seem to understand how hard it is to break the attachments that we get to these kinds of men. It's been 4 weeks of no contact so far and I'm getting stronger each day. I had been trying to break up with him numerous times over the year, but he always seemed to want to stick
around to finish a pergola project that he was started in my backyard.

He started this project a year ago when we first met. I think he needed to have something here he could drag out, so he could keep stringing me along. He told me once that I was probably going to dump him when he was fnished with it.

He seemed to come over for an hour or two every few weeks to work on one thing, but never could schedule a time for us to work on it together when I was on a day off. Anything else was more important. I was always last on the list.

Back in March, I told him to come get his tools out of the garage, that I was going to pay someone to finish the pergola. He pleaded with me to let him finish it. so he started working on it again when he felt like it, It was almost completed, then he started flaking out again. When he did come over, he was kissy/huggy, but then would only stay lone enough to work on something then leave.

I finally got fed up up being in relationship limbo and told him to come get all of his tools. He never wanted to discuss anything about reconciling, all he said was "thanks" when he picked them up and left. I did get an email
from him about 2 weeks later wanting to know if we could be friends, I told him no. He said, "fine, your loss". I thought to myself, what am I losing? Nothing.

Here are some favorite things I've collected from the internet that I thought I would share. I wrote them down on index cards and read them everyday to stay focused:

Cancel my subscription, I don't need his issues.

Stop accepting a situation that doesn't add joy or substance to your life.

Don't regreat that he didn't love you, regret that you ever wasted your love on him.

Life is too short to pine for things that aren't going to happen.

Half of a man or a piece of a man is not ever acceptable.

Cry now because you lost him, or cry later because you have him.

I am a worthwhile and complete person without him.

No matter how much I miss him, when you are thinking clearly, you know that he was wrong for you.

Just because I hurt so much doesn't mean I love him. It means that I'm an addict in withdrawal.

You can't believe that your life is over or that you are meaningless without this one man among millions of men. You are bigger than that.

I will meet soneone who loves me and thinks that I am the best thing that ever happened to them.

You don't want someone who doesn't want you back.

I am worth being number one and I won't settle for less.

I'm unwilling to accept unacceptable behavior just to keep someone around.

I'm ok with being alone.

I will not let anyone waste my time in a relationship. If I am not happy, I will leave.

I am a kind, loving person, any man would be lucky to have me.

I will not accept broken men. I won't settle for "good enugh" anymore.

I wlll not not love someone who doesn't love me back or won't call me his girlfriend.

You are trying to have an adult relationship with a physically grown person who has not psychologically passed the infantile stage yet. Infants do not have the capacity to care if Mom or Dad or anyone in the workd need a thing.
Infants don't have the capacity to reciprocate love and affection, neither does a narcissist, got it?

If it was a real relationship, it would still exist.

I'm not afraid of the storsm, I am learning to sail my own ship.

Anyway, I hope these sayings help someone.

I also heard a few songs that have great lyrics, "Undo It" by Carrie Underwood, and "MY Give A Damn's Busted" by Jo Dee Messina.

Aug 20 - 11AM
binxmama's picture


I was wondering how long it would take him to try and check in to test the waters. I received an email from him on Monday that said "so when do you want to finish the eletrical on the Pergola?" I haven't replied. He didn't even say any kind of hello, how are you, etc. That was all he sent. I hadn't blocked any emails from him because I didn't really think he would ever try and contact me again. I know he won't call, "talking" by email was more of his style. He would only send short, one line replies. I feel pretty powerful now not replying back. I thought that I would feel sad, but I actually don't really care now. He is and will always be an empty shell of a "man" and will probably die alone.
Aug 20 - 11AM (Reply to #12)
tica's picture

Kudos to you!!!!!

hi Binxmama, been checking on you and so happy that you did NOT reply to the narc clown...mine also prefers email..shows how cowardly they really are...always putting out the are smart to let him sit and think and stew...they've done that to us so many times...really proud of you..your strength inspires us all...
Aug 20 - 11AM (Reply to #13)
binxmama's picture

Letting him Stew..

Hi Tica: I'm getting the image of him sitting by his computer with steam coming out of his ears.. hahah.. I'm sure that he thinks that he is such a great humanitarian offering his "contractor services" to me, even though I told him to take a hike. I don't think that he will ever understand what a jerk he is. I would rather pay someone to finish the electrical work than have to deal with him and his over-inflated ego again.
Aug 20 - 12PM (Reply to #17)
tica's picture

Love it!

that's right binx, you are steering now!! Hey, it's Friday night...get some friends together and go have some laughs..we all know the laughs will be on him :)enjoy..ttyl...
Aug 20 - 12PM (Reply to #16)
tica's picture

Love it!

that's right binx, you are steering now!! Hey, it's Friday night...get some friends together and go have some laughs..we all know the laughs will be on him :)enjoy..ttyl...
Aug 20 - 12PM (Reply to #14)
tica's picture

Love it!

that's right binx, you are steering now!! Hey, it's Friday night...get some friends together and go have some laughs..we all know the laughs will be on him :)enjoy..ttyl...
Aug 20 - 12PM (Reply to #15)
binxmama's picture

It Feels Good To Give HIm A Taste of HIs Own Medicine

Yeah, I hope he gets to know how it feels to be ignored. He would always disappear for days, or not reply to some emails at all for a few days. I think he did that to his "friends" too. He mentioned that his alcoholic friend would leave messages on his phone asking if he was ok because he hadn't heard from him or replied to his texts. But, if you needed you for something, he would be calling you up right away. I would like to bruise that ego, if that were even possible! I think that would take a sledgehammer! hahah
Aug 19 - 1PM
terri's picture

Binxmama - so true!

What you wrote in your comment: "We hold on for the promise of the relationship that could be, not the one that really exists." That pretty much sums up why I stayed in a very difficult, drama-filled, emotionally draining relationship for almost 9 years of my life. I just kept thinking it was going to get better. Just reading that one line today has made a sad, doubt-filled day so much better. Just knowing that there are so many others who have experienced what I have suffered through validates me more than I ever thought possible. Thanks! Terri

Believe in yourself!

Aug 19 - 5PM (Reply to #10)
Susan32's picture

The promise of a relationship

During the D&D, one of my friends made the apt point that my ex-Psych professor wasn't so much dangling the possibility of a romantic relationship before me, but just a RELATIONSHIP, with its requisite give-and-take. For 4 draining years, he promised a relationship--but always wrote an invalid check,in a sense. He liked holding forth that promise--but never following through. If he had said he preferred the girlfriend in LA to me, I would've been fine with that. A little disappointed? Yes. But I would've respected his honesty. I saw my professor as a friend, an equal, a mentor... and he saw me only as his cerebral plaything.
Aug 13 - 6AM
tica's picture


thank you so much for sharing your story...I really feel like you were writing my story with different occupations...same situations, same let has been 9 weeks today NC for me and yes, my stomach is still in knots...not all the time, but often enough every day...obsessive thoughts, etc. but I do know that I dodged a bullet..when I left, I left his country and alot of my possessions..including my truck, which he is driving around in...I sometimes feel like it is not worth ever going back and claiming my things..also we were business partners..his land, my funding...ahhh.. I know I have to deal with this, but right now,emotionally I can not speak with him...of course, he has another woman, who has tons of $$'s really disgusting to biggest mistake was being compassionate
Aug 13 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
binxmama's picture

I know what you are going through

Dear Tica: I can totally understand how you are feeling. I still have my obsessive thoughts and ups and downs, but I don't want to ruin any of my progress by trying to contact him. I've had enough pain from him. Hindsight is 20/20 they say. I am still angry at myself sometimes for not being able to let go of him earlier. If I had a daughter and she told me she was seeing someone like this, I would have looked at her like she was crazy and wonder why she wasn't dumping him. It's those abandonment/attachment issues that make it so hard to let go even when we know we should. I'm not sure if the N has another woman yet. It's funny how he never had time to date me, he always said that now that he was working, he was very busy. But now he is on two dating websites that I know of. I'm not sure if I would be considered co-dependent, I think I was just a nice, kind person that he took advantage of.
Aug 13 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
tica's picture

you are so right

Dear Binxmama, you are so right and obviously have been doing your research on these assclowns...I am working on me and truely am relieved to be free of him and his crazy world, for me it's working on recognizing a narc in the future...I would hope I do after this, but fear that because I go for the guy who makes me work for his attention, and find the other guys, nice but boring, that I may pass on "the one " for me. Actually, I'm having fun, "ridin solo" and also hope to not become hardened like the narc and cynical about love and i am doing lots of yoga and meditation in the mornings and giving my love to God, he knows what is best, and this guy was a 'test" for me...i didn't have words with him when I left, just surprised the heck out of him (and myself) felt a strong presence had my back...and just said, "I want out" my last words to him at the airport, were, "I wish you the best" he whistled..i never looked back..he told me earlier that he would buy me out of the business and buy my truck..but i don't see that happening, he was always crying poor...he has a 4 year old son, my children are both in college, I basically played Wendy, while he was Peter Pan...exciting, but NEVER going to be what I dreamed..we had a year together, I know it was the most stable year he has had maybe ever, but his true self came out, when I came to visit, I heard he was messing around, yet he denied it..always promised that we would do this or that and then at the last minute, couldn't make it. I never had a guy treat me like this..2 weeks after NC, he sent an email.."hey you, hope you are well.." what is that?? Not a question..just a lure..thankfully, I never responded...I know staying NC is the only way...stay sound so sensible,I am too, most of the time..except this time...oh well, not beating myself up over was costly, but a well learned lesson...sometimes the most painful lessons make us grow the most!! Stay NC with me!!! anytime you feel like contacting him...write here...i will do the same...I am proud of you sincerely, Tica
Aug 13 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
Susan32's picture

Peter Pan Syndrome

My ex-Psych professor was the same way. My therapist's jaw dropped when I told him that the HAPPIEST (and it really did seem like genuine happiness) my ex-P was when the students were playing keep away with his beret, and he was running back and forth. He really is stuck in preschool, mentally, despite being a college professor and a wannabe philosopher. My ex-P struck me as an immature, petulant, evil child, who only sees his fellow human being as toys. He treats his colleagues shabbily. Then he accused me of not taking things seriously. He's like a grim pessismistic morbid version of Peter Pan.
Aug 13 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
binxmama's picture

I guess what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger

Hi Tica: I've heard that saying before, and I guess it really is true. I felt like I was dying a slow death in that relationship that never really was, and wondered what I ever did to deserve it. I'm still trying to figure out the lesson that I needed to learn. ha ha Peter Pan, yes, that would fit here in my circumstances. I think that I was the more stable one of the two us, and maybe that was my appeal for him at the time. He needed someone with stablity and direction, because he certainly didn't have any. I've read on many sites that we hold on for the promise of the relationship that could be, not the one that really exists. NC is hard at first, but it does make you feel a whole lot better the longer that you stick to it. You don't have to worry about when/if he is going to call. You know that you would just feel badly after you heard from him again anyway. It just stirs up all of those feelings that you have been trying to forget about. I still have my bad days, but now I seem to have a collection of books and web sites that I can go to and re-read things that will sent me straight again and let me know that I did the right thing. No one deserves to stuck in a crappy relationship or to be treated badly. Binx
Aug 13 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
tica's picture

hey binx

i am so much happier to be able to write about this @#$% so happy to have a forum that understands how bizarre and morbid being in a relationship with a narc is all about...thank you Lisa Scott!! until you experience this, there is no believing it! I will sleep better tonite... I have reunited with old girlfriends that I lost contact with, family who I lost contact with, and am finding out that I am much stronger than he led me to think i was..actually, I believe he knew I was, but was manipulating me to think otherwise..he was always jelaous that I have a college degre and he did not.. saying things like,"come on college girl, you know the answer to that" who needs that shit!why did I take it??!! He wasn't that great at ANYTHING! YES I am seeing the light :) sweet dreams to all, the best is yet to come, have faith..sincerely, tica
Aug 12 - 9PM
binxmama's picture

I think I know what I need to work on now

Thanks for your support. I still think about him once in a while and wonder what he's up to, but I know that it doesn't matter anymore. Now I am just angry about the whole waste of my time and my life. Nothing is going to change with him, and I doubt that he is going to try and contact me. I think that the reason that I held out hope with him for so long are my father abandonment issues. I never had a Dad, and now I can see how I was trying to get someone to love me that never really was able to. I was trying to fix something that was broken from my childhood. That's why I was constantly feeling like I was banging my head against a wall and getting nowhere.
Aug 12 - 12PM
betty2020's picture

Binx, Welcome, welcome,

Binx, Welcome, welcome, welcome. You are indeed at the right place. I am very proud of you!!! 4 weeks and no contact! Wow! You are really serious about taking your life back! I want you to know this is going to be a journey and a process. Good days and bad. We here on the board are at different stages of recovery. When reading post be mindful of that. Knowledge is our power. Its very important that you research everything on Narcissism and PTSD. Read all the information in the blogs. Ask a lot of questions here on the board. You will find that we have more knowledge and wisdom here than you can ever hope for. You will meet a lot of friends here that understand you. Outsiders in your life may struggle to understand what your going through. Try to be a bit patient with them. Now that you have found us its time to get busy with your recovery. Two things i always tell newcomers (the elders are probably sick of hearing 1. Remain no contact. No text messages, emails, voice mails, social network sites, friends and family of the Narc ect... This means; Block him everywhere you can. If he sends mail throw it away, delete all messages before reading them. Block his number or change yours if possible. No exceptions to this! If something arises and you must make a contact, come to the board for guidance. Remember the wisdom and recovery experience here. 2. Come to the board daily. Check in everyday. Read everything your eyes and brain can take in. Ask lots of questions and share your experiences. This is vital. If you are having a particular problem and need help off the board, contact me for further assistance. If there is a person on the board that you wish to talk one on one with contact me to make that arrangement. In time this will all make sense. You are well on your way girl! I look forward to watching your progress unfold. Its a real gift in the end, you will see.... All my love today..xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)