I'm glad to have found a place where people can understand what I have been going through. For a while there, I thought that I was the crazy one and couldn't understand why someone would have treated me this way.I'm so mad at myself for wasting a year of my life on someone like this!
I met him online last April , and he actually lived 3 blocks away from my house, so I saw him a lot in the beginning. I should have seen the red flags when he said that he was 52 and never married. He also said that he and his Mom were a package deal.He said that his last relationship ended because his ex cheated on him when they were broken up? Huh?
He also mentioned that he had a lot of "platonic" female friends and hoped that wouldn't bother me. He was always talking badly about them.
I also thought that it was weird that he slept on his couch and didn't have a bed. I've read that people who are emotionally unavailable usually have a twin bed, so there will be no room for anyone else.
There was always something "off" about the relationship that I couldn't quite put my finger on. At first, he was very affectionate and attentive,and called me everyday. If I didn't answer the phone the first time he called, he would keep calling until he got ahold of me. He even told me that he loved me after a few weeks and was asking my opinions on marriage.
When I told him about my feelings for him, and wanting to spend more time together, he suddenly started to withdraw and wouldn't talk about why he was acting this way. Soon he would disappear for a while, wouldn't call when he said he
would and would make excuses like he fell asleep, he was too busy, etc.
He would also make excuses why he couldn't sit next to me on the couch.. he was getting a cold, had gas, his arm hurt.. etc.. I would wonder to myself, then
why are you here? He always seemed to have an excuse to avoid intimacy. He never was much into foreplay when we were intimate, it seemed like wham, bam thank you ma'am. I sometimes wonder if he had ever been with someone before.
He only stayed overnight once, when he got drunk and passed out asleep, We never even did anything that night.
He would always shut down, give me the silent treatment for days or change the subject when I wanted to talk about our relationship. When I asked him why he wasn't being affectionate anymore, he said that I needed to read the
Bible. Huh? He supposedly was Catholic, and I thought that maybe it was guilt or something like that.
Sometimes when he would come over, he would say not to hug or kiss him, that he hadn't taken a shower or brushed his teeth yet. I thought that was strange, because most men want to be affectionate.
Most of our communication seemed to be by short phone calls or emails. He seemed to call me 5 minutes before I had to leave for work to prevent talking to me.
On Christmas, he called to say "Merry Christmas" and that was it. He disappered for a week or two near New Years. On my birthday. he came by for a few minutes then left to go work on someone's electrical at their house. He always seemed to enjoy doing the volunteeer home repair for everyone, so they would think he was so great. I think that was his MO to keep women around. He would start working on something on their house and drag it out forever.
For Valentines Day, he didn't plan anything. His Mom made dinner, and again he was late for that. He was working on someone's house and kept calling me saying he was going to be late. By the time I got to his house, there was only enough time to eat, exchange cards and then I had to go. Inside of his card we wrote "My happiest times were spent with you". Really? Then why weren't you ever coming over to see me? I also got a small box of chocolates.
One time we were supposed to go to the movies, and his alcoholic friend that he talks badly about, had a leaking pipe in the wall. Of course. my N went over there to fix it and would call occasionally to say he was almost done and was getting ready to leave. At 8:30 pm. I decided to go to the movies by myself. I think he did that on purpose because it was a control thing. not having to do something that I wanted to do.
After the breakup and doing some research on the internet, I
figured out that he was emotionally unavailable and a narcissist and a Mamas's boy. That explained a lot!
One time he asked me to take a picture of him to send to his male friend that he used to work with.. I later found out that he posted that picture on Match.com and was actively
looking for someone to go dancing with.
His profile portrayed him as this successful salesperson who lives a high-lifestyle. The real truth was that he had just been laid off, lived with his Mom, was losing his house and was very irresponsible with money. I feel sorry for his next victim. He also went on and on is his profile how he was such a humble. spirtual guy and believed in courtship and romance.
He was always talking about how the men and women were always checking him out. He even commented on how he thought that the dog whisperer Cesar Milan was a good looking man and he would do him. Yuck! He always commented on how he was a "metrosexual" and was always concerned about people being obese/overweight.
His favorite thing to do with his alcoholic friend was to go out to the TGIF restaurant by the bar and make fun of all the people and the way they dressed. Yet, when he wasn't around this friend, he would talk badly about him and his wife. He never seemed to have a nice thing to say about anyone he knew.
He always wanted designer label clothes, yet he was always late on paying the bills. He seemed to be a germaphobe, yet lived in a very messy house. HIs house seemed to reflect the chaos of his lifestyle. When he was moving, he had boxes of old bills that we needed to shred that were years old. There were a lot of late notices in there that I don't think that he ever even opened.
When he was laid off from work, he got his Rolex watches
repaired, his car detailed, and bought some expensive dance shoes. I couldn't understand the logic of that.
He finally got a new job this year, but as I have read in other posts, he constantly complained about the co-workers and the boss being idiots.He seemed to be the only one who knew what he was doing, and said he would make the company lots of money. I know that when he had a project to do, he would never finish it on time, or seemed to take twice as long to do something .
He seemed to be a workaholic, but I think that's because he had bad time management skills. He was always running late. I think that was part of his control issues. He needed to be in control of when he would call me, when he would see me, or what we would do.
One time when he was working on this project in the backyard, he said "I would going to get us concert tickets for the Hollywood Bowl, but I decided that I needed a new level tool instead.".
He even has an Akita Dog that will bite anyone but him and his Mother. Is that the narcissist's perfect pet or what?
Most people don't seem to understand how hard it is to break the attachments that we get to these kinds of men. It's been 4 weeks of no contact so far and I'm getting stronger each day. I had been trying to break up with him numerous times over the year, but he always seemed to want to stick
around to finish a pergola project that he was started in my backyard.
He started this project a year ago when we first met. I think he needed to have something here he could drag out, so he could keep stringing me along. He told me once that I was probably going to dump him when he was fnished with it.
He seemed to come over for an hour or two every few weeks to work on one thing, but never could schedule a time for us to work on it together when I was on a day off. Anything else was more important. I was always last on the list.
Back in March, I told him to come get his tools out of the garage, that I was going to pay someone to finish the pergola. He pleaded with me to let him finish it. so he started working on it again when he felt like it, It was almost completed, then he started flaking out again. When he did come over, he was kissy/huggy, but then would only stay lone enough to work on something then leave.
I finally got fed up up being in relationship limbo and told him to come get all of his tools. He never wanted to discuss anything about reconciling, all he said was "thanks" when he picked them up and left. I did get an email
from him about 2 weeks later wanting to know if we could be friends, I told him no. He said, "fine, your loss". I thought to myself, what am I losing? Nothing.
Here are some favorite things I've collected from the internet that I thought I would share. I wrote them down on index cards and read them everyday to stay focused:
Cancel my subscription, I don't need his issues.
Stop accepting a situation that doesn't add joy or substance to your life.
Don't regreat that he didn't love you, regret that you ever wasted your love on him.
Life is too short to pine for things that aren't going to happen.
Half of a man or a piece of a man is not ever acceptable.
Cry now because you lost him, or cry later because you have him.
I am a worthwhile and complete person without him.
No matter how much I miss him, when you are thinking clearly, you know that he was wrong for you.
Just because I hurt so much doesn't mean I love him. It means that I'm an addict in withdrawal.
You can't believe that your life is over or that you are meaningless without this one man among millions of men. You are bigger than that.
I will meet soneone who loves me and thinks that I am the best thing that ever happened to them.
You don't want someone who doesn't want you back.
I am worth being number one and I won't settle for less.
I'm unwilling to accept unacceptable behavior just to keep someone around.
I'm ok with being alone.
I will not let anyone waste my time in a relationship. If I am not happy, I will leave.
I am a kind, loving person, any man would be lucky to have me.
I will not accept broken men. I won't settle for "good enugh" anymore.
I wlll not not love someone who doesn't love me back or won't call me his girlfriend.
You are trying to have an adult relationship with a physically grown person who has not psychologically passed the infantile stage yet. Infants do not have the capacity to care if Mom or Dad or anyone in the workd need a thing.
Infants don't have the capacity to reciprocate love and affection, neither does a narcissist, got it?
If it was a real relationship, it would still exist.
I'm not afraid of the storsm, I am learning to sail my own ship.
Anyway, I hope these sayings help someone.
I also heard a few songs that have great lyrics, "Undo It" by Carrie Underwood, and "MY Give A Damn's Busted" by Jo Dee Messina.