New "woman"

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Aug 10 - 12PM (Reply to #40)
Used
Used's picture

moonshine

i guess you are right cos of my upbringing i did have that edge, but in the end it is not good for any of us, and a person like you he would call uninteresting b/c you dont fight back in the way we want, toward,s the end with my exh, he began ranting and i said i am not going to argue with you anymore, he said then you dont love me anymore[how insightful of him] thers no passion any more, and that says it all, i think they are all boring bastards, and all that ranting and raver is all they can do, i called them both boring to their faces. to talk ordinary conversation with them was impossible i have only just relized that one day when the narc was beign "normal", ithen said you are well boring, if they are shouting or lying, they are alive, without that they are dead. another light bulb moment.
Aug 9 - 8AM (Reply to #38)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

used

I know what you mean about the hitting getting them aroused. Mine was the same way. His home life, both as a boy and now, is so even, so quiet. No one is a allowed to talk or say anything about their personal ife, no one is allowed to get angry or raise their voice. I think it was so exciting for him to be with me because I said whatever I felt like saying, I yelled when it was appropriate to yell. I think that's part of why he didn't want to let me go.
Aug 8 - 2PM
moonshine
moonshine's picture

mine...

My N showed pictures of all the women he pursued or liked on facebook. Some other day he showed me the pictures of his favorite porn stars (i was shocked for a while and did not understand why he would show me his favorite porn stars and sat in dismay when he was doing that).....saying "she is my favvv". His porn stars and the women he showed on facebook were just ALIKE. Same features. Looked just the same. I was shocked. He never told me what he liked about me much as he says "we are not supposed to talk about it". May be the next women will know all about me.
Aug 8 - 2PM (Reply to #30)
Used
Used's picture

newspapers

nf asked me to name all the topless models i liked, i looked at him ,dumbfounded, then i said i dont know any, and he said the one,s in the newspaper,s, i said i dont look at them, he said what never i said no why would i ,i wish i had got out sooner and not let it drag on for 4 years. he said once i know i have something woman like, and i said what the fact that they know you are not choosy or the fact that you are anybody,s, he just went awww.
Aug 8 - 3PM (Reply to #31)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

hahah...

that was funny....that he is not choosy and he is anybody's. i kinda gave him the same message. The tricky part is that if he meets some one new...he will collect info on what the other person likes and make them his own interest (for a while...as long as he can tolerate to keep his "interest"). He just doesn't have any opinion of his own mind. i told him I would rather believe a man with strong belief in something rather than someone like him who says "yes" to everything(meaning...when its comes to the OW interest). I was also asked to participate in objectifying conversations about women. He once was talking about a married women who makes porn. He seriously thinks that love exists between the husband and her. I was like...WTH??!! Above all ..she is her fav...you know. He takes a while to find other women because they have to match the features he has in mind...objectifying.
Aug 8 - 2PM (Reply to #20)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Moonshine

"we're not supposed to talk about it" ??? WTF is that supposed to mean? They make no sense.
Aug 8 - 4PM (Reply to #21)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

more objectifying

Yes...i was told " we are not supposed to talk about it". He never told anything good about me as a person....when pushed really hard he would very superficially say...yes ..you are interesting....but he would have many things to say about other women....how he can be the best match for them. When asked to talk after sex he would say "people dont do this...just go to sleep". i would tell him "people in love do it...they talk"...he would say.."may be...i never did". He would not even hug after sex. He would turn his back to me. He never kissed me out of the bedroom. His comments about me that he gave was "your boobs look like a 16 yr olds"..."your body is so cute"....."how come you are always wet"....i just feel worse thinking back. He would tell me he asked a girl about her pubic hair color....god he was so proud of his stories and he is so proud of his own pubic hair color....i don't know why some one would be. He once asked me "haven't you noticed what color my pubic hair is ....i said ....not if you would only prefer to do it in the dark". he just wanted to be anonymous..in bed....haha..
Aug 8 - 4PM (Reply to #22)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Proud of his pubic hair color

Oh wow! Now there's something to brag about! Did the carpet match the drapes?
Aug 8 - 11PM (Reply to #23)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

LMAO!

Did the carpet match the drapes???? OMG! too funny. Hard to tell from the consistent 'manscaping'.

almostlydia

Aug 9 - 6AM (Reply to #24)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

did the carpets match the drapes?

Haha....that was funny....no though but he was very proud with what ever he had. Yes, my N was very proud of his manscaping too. He very proudly showed me all the gadgets he owned to trim himself. He enjoyed doing that. The funny part is that he wanted me to borrow his for my use ..hahah.....he said...we have all the needed gadgets here...you will be taken care of ...... I never opened that topic again.
Aug 10 - 9AM (Reply to #28)
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Mine had tools

Mine had tools he wanted to "share" with me too. That's too funny! He never used his for his back tho just down under! Said it made "it" look bigger. Look in the mirror...it doesn't
Aug 11 - 12PM (Reply to #29)
better off
better off's picture

What a dumbass... we don't

What a dumbass... we don't really care how big it looks. How big it looks doesn't get the job done. ;) LOL How like a freakin' narc... all about how things look, not how things are.
Aug 10 - 5AM (Reply to #25)
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

Ackkkkk with the manscaping !!!

Mine always did it and once he even asked me if I would like to do it for him (I must have done something pretty special to earn that prize GAG). LOL, yeah buddy, give me that razor NOW. I will gladly do it !!
Aug 10 - 6AM (Reply to #26)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

give me the razor now..hahah

this is funny....i think i would do the same too. Yes, we must have earned something special to get THAT far..haha. He did ask me to help in grooming his back and did ...i was so dumb and was in love. He used me like a doormat.
Aug 10 - 8AM (Reply to #27)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Moonshine

Well let's make lemonade out of lemons, if you saved all that back hair you shaved off you could probably make a nice cushy doormat.
Aug 8 - 1PM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Nothing like me

My XNs OW(women) are NOTHING like me! He chooses nasty icky skanks (who he said even smelled...EWWW) who are overweight whores who sleep w/anyone and everyone and don't take care of themselves. I am not bragging on myself and really not trying to judge but...I am 52(people think I'm early 40s)5'8" 117 lbs eat healthy walk work out. He's 5'4" 150 lbs balding hairy and 35. so what does that say about me?
Aug 10 - 9AM (Reply to #18)
Used
Used's picture

faithinthefuture

ive relized they dont care what you look like[ it a plus if you do though] just so long as you are fitting the role they have allocated you.exh,s woman in the looks department, is heavy, grey permed hair, glasses, i said to my kid,s how this has suprized me, they said he doesnt care what she looks like, she is serving her purpose and thats all there is too it, i thought charming ime sure, so glad got shot of him.
Aug 8 - 11PM (Reply to #16)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

faithinthe future

that you could do better:)

almostlydia

Aug 10 - 9AM (Reply to #17)
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

almostlydia

What does it say about me that he chose those kind of women? And yes I will do better. already am cuz he's gone!
Aug 8 - 1PM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Yes. Do you remember the

Yes. Do you remember the thread about Barbies? We are the Barbie model. The blonde Barbie or the Barbie manager or the Hawaii Barbie. It's simple as that. Objects. She is another object. Do you envy this? Don't waste your precious time. It's not worth it.
Aug 8 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

Im a brunette

And all my Ns loooooved blondes. WTF is with that. Madonna whore complex? dunno. My last one told me that he was glad I was not beautiful because someone else would have loved me. REAALLY??

Nevergoback

Aug 9 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Not sure about that

I am beginning to think that it is not always about what they really like, it is about making you feel bad about yourself. Most of these guys sound like women haters. They don't love women, they hate them, fear them, or are indifferent and are concerned with what we can do to them. They imagine us to have power and control over them and if they keep us down and keep us confused then they appear to have the power. When any of mine were D&D me they all "appeared" to like what I was not. The last one went on about how much he liked women with black hair, not brown, he would say. Jet black. I have blonde hair. I would just ignore this. Another one would go on about how he loved skinny skinny women. I am not skinny or fat. I believe that it is ALL about control and if they can keep us feeling insecure about anything, whether it be our looks, accomplishments, goals, friends, family ect...I don't think it matters what, that is not the point. The point is to keep you second guessing yourself, confused, sad, angry, anything that allows them to f--- with your head, heart, or emotions, then they feel as though they are winning, because don't forget, it is all a game to them. This is not real, it is only a movie. I think once we get that down, all the rest is just mindless chatter designed to keep you at bay, which allows them to cheat, lie, steal or whatever else they want to do. The chatter, insults, withholding, is all a smokescreen to keep you away from what they are really up to and what their true adgenda may be. Because it is all about them and what they want, need, or have planned for themselves. They get off on the insecurity, pain, confusion. I have heard these guys when they think no one is listening bragging to their friends about how screwed up some girl is over them. They do not care what they have to say or do, long as it keeps you from getting too close or revealing their con. One guy on fb, I was pretending to be my ex and having a conversation with him and he is going on about all the good places to find insecure women. There has to be an insecure place somewhere deep within us to allow this treatment. Once we find that and repair it, there will be no way for a new narc to gain entry. This really is not about us to them aside from keeping you wondering. What is about us is getting the hell away from these freaks, grieving, and getting good and angry regarding this pitiful treatment, and maintaining NC until we can clear up our heads, see this for what it really is, and get on with our own lives. Just one girls opinion. God bless, Goldie
Aug 9 - 11AM (Reply to #14)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Afraid of women

I honestly think my ex-P feared women. He'd say during class discussions "you're scaring me." He told me he was afraid of emotions. He looked terrified if I wore dresses. No wonder he D&D'd me for a butch woman. What would he make of men who dress like women.....LOL... major confusion...
Aug 9 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
Used
Used's picture

goldie

absolutly agree, when he was banging on about woman once, i said you hate them cos you fear them[ this earned me a 3 week suspension from him lucky me], i did notice alot of the woman he had been with, were vunrable in some way [including my self when i met him] a lot of them had were on medication[before they met him] and though a couple of his ex,s sounded strong as he let slip more about them i relized they were vunrable at the time of meeting them, sometimes this was a question he asked them on first meeting, but in such a sincere and caring way lol, as i say i was in a bad place when i met him, but as time went on and i was healing[he didnt know this] and getting stronger i became too much for him, my first d/d was over a year after we met, and we were together 24/7 up until then, he said i have never spent this much time ,even with my live in ex,s, but the stronger i got the worse it became, if he put me down i would return it, if he said people dont like you, i would say right back at you, i became to strong and he then relized he hadnt got in quick enough, he even said once, have you changed your medication, i said i dont take any, he said why are you so diffrent, and i thought b/c of you ,you scumbag, and you dont even know it, his verbal abuse and lying and fucking mind games actually bought me out of the coma i was in when i met him. it would kill him to think he helped someone get better, by reminding me what lowlife,s and predetors are out there ,i forgot cos i had fallen of the radar[nother story]they are terrifiedof woman ,and both mine have expressed there fear of me. oh bless.
Aug 9 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

YES!! YES!! YES!! This is not about how anyone looks!!!!

You GET IT!! It is like a part of our brain gets shut down when they first come along and maybe we are vulnerable about something. We may be very strong in some area's like our work, our parenting skills or whatever. They cannot not gain access there. Example: I know I am intelligent, so therefore anything he said to me about that was simply repelled, he could not put me down in that way. He could not gain access regarding my son. So he moves on to the next thing, let's try her looks. Bingo, I was insecure about a couple of things there and he hit the jackpot so we works on bringing me down through that door. I am not saying for one second that we are not strong accomplished women, I am saying that if there is any weakness there at all they will find it. I began researching soon after meeting him because I knew something was seriously wrong with he and I (why was I staying in this insanity?). Dr. Hare says: that it is essential to reach the point where what they say basically gets repelled by you. You do not even take it in anymore. What I say to myself is, yes this is about learning about them and how to avoid this PD again in my life, moving forward. This is also about my finding those weakness's in me that would allow this ass the ability to gain access into my head, heart, soul, life, body ect... in the first place because I am a strong, intelligent women and how did this happen? There was a key or a lightbulb or an aha moment and all of a sudden I was like: OMG he hit me where I was weak, vulnerable, and I was frankly blindsided. This is why I can plainly see now, that this has NOTHING what so ever to do with hair color, eyes, size, or any other superficial thing. This is all about: CONTROL and how can they gain access into us so that they can get THEIR OWN needs met because this is not about us and ours, it never was and it never will be. That is the nature of their sickness. What I would say NOW to someone who had the balls to tell me they like girls with jet black hair? Oh sorry, I don't have jet black hair, please move on immediately. Because seriously, WHO the f--- says that to someone?? Major red flag, major devalue, major insecurity builder. If I man says to you: I always preferred skinny girls and you are not skinny. My response today: That is not me, good luck finding one. I have to RUN now, bye bye. I am not playing this game again. NICE MEN do not say to your face that they prefer what you are not on any level, whether it be your looks, or anything else. This is rude. Do we do it to them? Would you look at a man who was 5' 6' and say I like tall men? Mine spent all his time with me as well, in the beginning and then as the truth was revealed to me and I began changing, instead of crying when he would make a comment. I would ingore him. One day, towards the end: he said he liked girls with jet black hair, he said he checked out other women all the time, he said he treated me badly because I allowed it, he said he did not think younger men should be with older women anymore. Previously I would have cryed or yelled at him. I said NOTHING because Dr. Hare had already given me a head's up about what this was all about. He was looking to hurt me. He then looked very frustrated and hurt. I almost started laughing because I could see what a game this was. He then said, I guess you're just not that into me anymore. Who says that after they spend 20 minutes D&D you? I simply said: Do you think? This is about empowerment and once that process begins they will see a difference and you will no longer fill THEIR NEEDS. And that is a good thing. God bless, Goldie
Aug 9 - 12PM (Reply to #13)
better off
better off's picture

I completely agree with

I completely agree with this... no matter what you looked like, they would find fault with it, and if you looked the opposite way they would find fault with that. It has NOTHING to do with us. If he was dating a girl with jet black hair, then suddenly he would prefer blondes. It's just said to hurt. They don't even KNOW what they want... apparently they just want "something else." (That reminds of Jerry Seinfeld talking about remote controls, and saying men don't want to know what's on TV, they want to know what ELSE is on TV.) This part of your story give some creepy insight, doesn't it: One day, towards the end: he said he liked girls with jet black hair, he said he checked out other women all the time, he said he treated me badly because I allowed it, he said he did not think younger men should be with older women anymore. Previously I would have cryed or yelled at him. I said NOTHING because Dr. Hare had already given me a head's up about what this was all about. He was looking to hurt me. He then looked very frustrated and hurt. I almost started laughing because I could see what a game this was. He then said, I guess you're just not that into me anymore What a freak! Insulting you in that way, and then not getting a reaction out of you means (to him) you're just not that into him anymore??? Being "into" them means you jump thru hoops to be some arbitrary thing they want you to be... just to prove something? Wow.
Aug 9 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
Used
Used's picture

goldie

i liked what you said, and thats how i spoke to him in the end, when he said one day i hate that dress i said, well dont wear it then lol, when he said why is yourhair diffrent, i said so is yours, you are doing it diffrent,7 hairs to the left 3 to the right,lol, next time i met him he had shaved hiscomplete head, he look like something, out of the hills have eye,s, when i said to him, you can dish it out but you cant take it, he said and i quote, get out of my head, they put you down to batter your self esteem so you will stay with them forever, he nearly done me, i admit that, if we were meeting i thought i wont wear that, and so on, till i kept getting wake up,s, and one day i wore the dress he so hated, he said i thought you had binned that, i said why would i?, i had thought it tho, he said i told you i didnt like it,i said and remember the jacket you didnt like, ive still got that too, whearas younow shave your head ,you dont wear or carry things[his man bag] i have critised, so i guess i won and you didnt.game on, oh and all his main woman were about 10 or 15 years older than him he said that he was doing them a favor. cos he is a taker, he relized one day he had my time[ which suited me we hung out], but he hadnt got anything else materielly or psychical. after all he would have been doing me a favor, and thats when the shit hit the fan, he said you have used me, and know trear me like dirt, in fact i was treating him as he had treated me, and everyone before me and the one,s not yet met, glad ime out.xxxgot to say this, if anyone had told me 5 years ago, i would have a computer and talk to woman i dont even know for help and support, i would have thought they were nut,s see ya never can tell what is to be, god works in mysterious ways, and i like to think he was with me through all my lifexx
Aug 9 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

LOL, Funny stuff!!!

I love it!!! Sori buddy, I NOW dress how I like. Eat what I like. Say what I like. Hang around with who I like. Go where I like. Raise my son how I like. Buy what I like (and you can buy your own stuff, freeloader boy). Think how I want. That was a hoot, GET OUT OF MY MIND. Oh, o.k. then stay out of my mine jack ass. Too much. When his sister asked for his stuff back that I bought, I wanted to say: What stuff? My house is not a storage unit, while he is in jail for assault and anyway, it is no longer here and even if it was, he can have it back when he pays for it like a normal man would. A normal man buys his own stuff he does not sponge off a woman. Never again, I will never buy another man a thing unless it is a gift and only if he is regularly buying me nice gifts. This guy has changed me and for the good I might add. I am no longer anyone's sap (sucker and pawn). I have bigger fish to fry and that includes getting my own life back on track. I bet you look smashing in that dress and coat. My narc had no taste at all, yet he fancied himself to be the expert on how I should dress, I don't think so. I also threw some stuff away that he did not like, so I have been there done that too. Oh well, we get it when we get it and my prayer today would be that everyone on this board come a bit closer to actualizing yourselves and letting go of them. Because they just don't have it to give. God bless, Goldie
Aug 9 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

goldie and used..

It is so true in my case too....he would say that he like blonds .....I am not blond. Its after a while that i realized that he is keeping in mind all my weak points. He knew that i didnt like the girl at work very much....so he started to say good things about her and he still does.....so this will make me go crazy. I became unstable just for the fact that he made me think this way. I also caught him with his computer with porn sites and he looking looking up her picture along with it. You can image what it would have done to me everyday. As written in your comments.....they know that we cant change out physical traits and hence they can attack those. Obviously we want the person we love to like how we look....but all this time he only talked about other women's features.... As used said.....we were together 24x7 for a year. After this I started asking questions he wanted me out. What you both have written is so much true though.....i need to defend my weak points to not get attacked by him
Aug 10 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Blonde Vs. Non

Well, I guess I'm safe from being hit on by your ex N's. 'cause I now have PINK hair (seriously, no joke)