I just tested my N and here's the note I received

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Aug 2 - 5PM (Reply to #33)
happydaysahead
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Amy.....same story here.............

My son is also 17 and me and the N were together for 6 years. My son tolerated alot but always stood by me cuz that's who I wanted to be with. After he left this last time, my son said, Mom, enough, he is never coming back into this house. I truly believe that's what did it for me. Not only did the N hurt me, but also my son and that was that. I could take the crap cuz I did for so long, but once I saw how it truly was affecting my son, it made the NC and walking away a whole lot easier for me. And Happy, look at what you wrote here. Your N is completely playing the victim and once again, you are the bad guy. Don't let him do this to you. All you did was ask a simple, basic question and it turned into this big drama that you are trying to cause !! He will never change, none of them do. They just keep turning it all on us and making us out to be wrong !! :(
Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #34)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Happy and others with children who knew what they were

Happy, you know I'm here, too, and my daughter who knows is only ten and I've already seen her sort of going off onto her own because she's sensing I'm not smart and don't care about anything else but him. I'm not going to let it happen; don't let it happen.
Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #35)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Helldweller

You are showing such great strength and I'm so glad!!! I know I need to find my strength again. Thanks! Hugs!
Aug 2 - 5PM (Reply to #21)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

NO CONTACT

Happy, This just is not working out. You do not need the stress of his stupid tirades. The definition of tirade is his text message to you. "A long, angry speech of criticism or accusation: "a tirade of abuse". You have the right to ask someone a question or two and his response is pure bullshit. He masks it with accusations regarding your behavior. Screw that, you simply asked him a couple of questions, big deal. Certainly not worthy of his response. He is not worth your time or energy on ANY level really. Your son does not need to see this "power of example of a man" for one more second. Not one more. He is a jerk, He is a dry well, he brings nothing to the table. He does not spend enough time with you, does not spend time with your son and his son together like a real family. F--- that. Now I am getting pissed. Your son does not need to EVER be shunned by this fool again. He is a jerk, plain and simple. How dare he dole out his precious vacation time to you like it is a prize. You are supposed to be his GF, he should be spending all his vacation time with you AND your son. Get rid of him, he is no damn good. Enough is enough, please go NC now. He is a selfish, self serving creep. No wonder you are uncertain about this man, it is because he will continue to hurt you over and over and over again until you put a plug in it and stop the contact. I am glad I don't live near you because right about now I would go over there to his stupid boat and push him in the water. God bless, Goldie
Aug 2 - 5PM (Reply to #22)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Goldie, You are so right. I

Goldie, You are so right. I love how you wished you lived near so you could push him off the boat. It's hard to just NC but we are fighting now so if it's another break up AGAIN I can easily do it. I refuse to beg for this back again. I didn't last time.
Aug 2 - 5PM (Reply to #23)
Amy
Amy's picture

Why give him the power??? He

Why give him the power??? He is making you miserable! YOU can break up with HIM and just go NC!
Aug 2 - 5PM (Reply to #24)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

good point

My mom said this same thing to me yesterday. I said that I was just sad that he was doing this again and am I not sure if it is over or not. She just looked and me and said "for him its not. why let him choose? you decide when its done. he will be right there if you change your mind". _______________________________________________ "dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #25)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Emotional rollercoaster

I don't know if anyone else experienced this but when I'd get strong and start backing away from him...start going NC...and he'd come in with those big guns...the "I love you" and "I'm so sorry I'm such a dick" and "I'm German...I'm stoic...I just wasn't raised with emotion and it affected me I think"...I'd feel something akin to guilt. I'd feel this big surge of empathy. Even though this same man had sucked me in with emotion and connection...abandoned me, cutting it off-leaving me standing with nothing when the wind changed direction for him...and didn't even seem to care about that, what I felt or who I was...zero empathy...all he had to say to me was "I was scared and feeling lost" or drop one of the L-bombs and I wanted to hug him close and forgive it all. This same guy who never told me he was married. Used guilt to keep me from crossing enough space to find out, played me for way too long, strung me along and then bailed to go home to his wife the day I found out. She dumped him. I was dumb enough to let him back in. Believed all of his lies about me being what he wanted and needed and loved. He was just "torn by loyalty". He crushed me. Drew me back in and then never touched the subject again. Every time I'd try he'd shut me down. I was crazy. I was overboard. I was making such a big deal of the past. I was a nag. I was doom and gloom. Sound familiar? Bet it does. Run, girl. It never gets better. He never becomes the boy that grows a heart.
Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #31)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

German

hmmmm.... mine was German, stoic, and wasn't raised with any emotion either. Said his dad never hugged him or said i love you once.... and he moved away from his parents and never looked back. He called his dad a "nazi prison guard"...said he made the kids march when they were young.
Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #32)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

That was my N's excuse for

That was my N's excuse for not telling me he loved me for 2 years. He said his family was not emotional and never said "I love you" or shared feelings. He said this something he knows he's not good at and will try harder. Do they read these textbooks or something? Okay, maybe this did happen to him. I just know he didn't wait 2 years to say this to his ex-wife and other girlfriends. I guess I was just more willing to take more abuse and not fight back.
Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #26)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

venuslovedpluto

This sounds very familiar. The games they play is crazy! I'm sorry for what you had to go through. It's not right the pain they put us through and how much we just crave a normal relationship with true feelings. I didn't know a person could tell so many lies and believe them. I have also never met anyone that is never wrong and it's no use arguing with a wall. I know I need to run. It's very hard to let the dream go. I waited 2 years to hear the loving words and now that he has said them I'm mixed up. More angry that he is playing with me feelings even more I guess. It's a sick game. Thank you for sharing with me. Hugs!
Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #29)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

If his lips are moving, he

If his lips are moving, he is lying. He changed his tune because he wanted something from you. He had years to show his true colors and do the right thing. Well, you saw his true colors for two years, and then he panicked that he was going to lose something. Anyway who only does something under duress is not being sincere.
Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #30)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

lovemylife

You're very right. What he doesn't get is he has given so much verbal abuse these past 2 years that finally hearing something endearing doesn't ring true to me now. The words he spoke doesn't feel real. I think he thought he could wash all those hurtful things away by just saying it. He needed to show it. Sure he held my hand over the weekend. That doesn't make the past wash away. It doesn't make me feel I can trust him with my feelings again.
Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #27)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Happy one way to look at this...

If he's bringing out the big guns--the L word, which he hasn't done up until now--he knows he's losing you. So in one sense you can judge your own improving health and strength by his countermeasures.
Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #28)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

wholeagain!

thank you! I was kind of thinking the same thing. He waited 2 freaken years to say those words, but because I begged for his forgiveness when he was an ass to me he knew he had me. He gave me nothing for 2 years and I was extremely attached to him. I'm not doing that now and letting him go away when he threatens it. He senses it I believe and did try to use the big guns with the L word and it makes me very angry and hurt. I do feel I'm improving my strength and thank you for saying it! Hugs!!
Aug 2 - 4PM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

And the winner is...

Happy he gets today's What a Wankerâ„¢ award! However we're out of time so he doesn't get to give a speech, much as I'm sure he'd like to :P
Aug 2 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Thanks wholeagain! You made

Thanks wholeagain! You made me smile. I needed it today. He doesn't deserve the wanker award because he would love that too. haha! After all, it's all about HIM! 8-)
Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #19)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The Narcs you love to hate

Yeah, if I gave my ex-P the Wanker Award, he'd think he had died and gone to Heaven (if he had been alive in the first place) After the D&D, when I told my ex-P how some of his students DESPISED him, that I was one of the few who didn't... well, he was ecstatic about the hate part. When I said I didn't hate him, that I only hated his actions (and made him an imperfect human)... he looked as if he had been rendered flaccid. Getting a Wanker Award would make him famous for something, and since he's not a celebrity (only in his mind)... better withhold that.
Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #18)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

omfg

You're soo right. He'd eat that up. Wanker is cute and bad boy and they fancy themselves as such. Don'tcha think? Mine did.
Aug 2 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Hmm good point

I may have to rethink my award strategy. You're getting lots of great advice here, and I'll add my vote for you (AND Ms. Rainbow) to take the decision into your own capable hands. I picture you all the time laughing and enjoying your customers at your hot dog stand, that's the you I want to win.
Aug 2 - 6PM (Reply to #15)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Thanks wholeagain! I am much

Thanks wholeagain! I am much more bubbly at my hot dog cart than with the weasel. The customers are much nicer to me. 8-)
Aug 2 - 6PM (Reply to #16)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Funny you used the word weasel

That is the same word I used when I gave my victim impact statement to the judge. I said, my X through counsel is trying to weasel out of paying me my money and frankly he can keep the money if it means more contact with him. I am an intelligent woman with high bread winner earner potential and I can make that money back in a heartbeat and it was well over 5,000.00 plus additional monies and theft. Sometimes walking away simply means just that: Walking away. Cut your loses, stop the fight and move on. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs may be. Mine are that God will provide when you shut the door to one bad situation and pray, other great situations are able to find space and room in your life. This man is taking up so much space that there is not very much space left for God to do his work. Do you think it was easy for me to walk away from all that money? Heck no, but I was willing to do it for my own piece of mind. The amazing thing was that once that poison was out of my house, I was sent many people to come over here and help me with the reconstruction of my home to the tune of over 10,000.00 worth of work and guess what? Not one of those people charged me aside from materials. None of this would have happened had I not removed this pathological freak from my life. His vibe was too bad, it kept the good ones at bay. You don't even know what your life will become as long as this negative entity is still in your life. The law of attraction is very very powerful stuff. Just some more food for thought Sweet Happy Girl. You deserve so much better than this. You deserve your hearts desire!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God bless, Goldie
Aug 2 - 6PM (Reply to #17)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Thanks Goldie! I give you so

Thanks Goldie! I give you so much credit and admire you for you have done. I believe in God also and love what you said. You have some wonderful people around you and that's a great thing to have. I understand I'm keeping a lot of people at bay right now because of my N and have lost contact with so many. I will definitely keep what you said to heart. Thank you! Hugs!
Aug 2 - 4PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Wow

Love his "you don't know what is behind the scenes" In other words, you don't know the other women who I also have to take time off for - so there is NONE FOR YOU! NC!
Aug 2 - 4PM
ewa
ewa's picture

What a selfish creature...!

What a selfish creature...! Yes they are selfish creatures..testing them is being in contact with them. He won't be better you will hurt. Happy1 you can be always unhappy with him. It was all about the him in this email. Normal man if you felt insecure would make you feel secure. This email you read comes from angry kid not a real man. I am sorry Happy that you need to go through this!
Aug 2 - 4PM (Reply to #10)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Thanks ewa

I see this for what it is. I see his note as a power play and I'm supposed to be all apologetic now and try to see how this poor guy is trying so hard with me and I keep f-cking up the situation. NOT!!! He doesn't like that I'm speaking up and he can go jump off a cliff. Oh! and he even lied that he only had 3 weeks vacation when I know he has 5. Duh!! God he thinks I'm a ditz or something. I guess I have to be to stay with this jerk. ASS!!! I'm sick of the lies and manipulation and playing on my feelings has ticked me off more.
Aug 2 - 4PM
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

Wow our Ns really are so

Wow our Ns really are so similar! I have heard these same things within the last week. When we hang out it is like we are a couple then the second I leave it is out of sight out of mind to him. When I talked to him about this he just yells and blames me and says "why cant you just go with the flow? why do you have to ruin things? why do you have to pick fights about everything?" It really makes you question yourself I know. They are huge contradictions!Their words never match their actions!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Aug 2 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

rainbow1

I see a lot of similarities when I read your notes to mine. They do and say the same things. It's very wrong and I see it. Their words never do and never will match their actions. You are very right.
Aug 2 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

happy

And the sad thing? I know this. I know that he doesnt mean what he says. I see right through him when he is talking to me. But I STILL talk to him. I STILL listen to what he has to say. It makes me sick! ____________________________________________________________ "dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Aug 2 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I know and I'm drained. I'm

I know and I'm drained. I'm tired of fighting a fight that I can't win. I guess we will both get there where we are sick of everything soon enough.