I haven't been on and I'm in trouble

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#1 Aug 2 - 7AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I haven't been on and I'm in trouble

Hi all,
I haven't been on in a week or so. My son and mom were pretty sick last week.
But... I saw my N this past weekend. He said things to me he has never said before. He told me he loved me for the first time in 2 years and he also showed me a ton of affection. He told me he has been doing a lot of soul searching and his family is not and has never been affectionate or loving and this has always been a problem he sees in all his relationships from the past.
I didn't feel overwhelmed with joy hearing this because I'm very much on my guard. I'm also worried of the very low place he can put me so easily and for me to fall for his loving words now scares the crap out of me. For 2 years he has told me that he doesn't love me and never will. Then, after this last break up he says he has had to do a lot of soul searching and realized he doesn't show any affection and isn't good at this and will try his hardest.
I'm scared and I know this is putting me back in. I'm trying to be so careful but he has never said the words that I longed for until this last weekend. I waited 2 years for that moment and it made me wonder and question things and scared.
Anyway, I am talking to him again and I did see him. I guess this puts me back in it but I'm trying to use my head more than my feelings.
Hugs

Aug 2 - 1PM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

narcs

They are what they DO, NOT what they SAY. Remember this when his actions contradict his words.
Aug 2 - 1PM
Briseis
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Once your eyes are opened . . .

ya can't close 'em :) So your hunger to hear those blessed words . . . I love you . . . makes you willing to go back into the den of lions? Do you want to hear the words, or do you want to BE loved? This is like one of the most powerful "lessons" learned the hard way . . . for all of us who've been with Narcs. My exNarc was the King of beautiful words. I was starved for them. He could treat me like a total piece of crap, as long as he held me and "said the words". This made up about the first three years of the relationship (it lasted for seven years). I had never been "loved" by a man, and mistook the words for the deed. Watch how he treats you. Ask yourself if it is "loving". Ask yourself, when you are alone and quiet, what "loving" would look like to you. Think of other relationships you think the partners are loving with each other, and compare. Don't worry too much about going back with him, honey. I believe you when you say you are using your head. Now is a very good time to really learn. You sound pretty solid in some ways . . . that his words sort of scare you. That means you are thinking clearly. No one on this board has just cut off the Narc without a lot of back and forth. We gotta know for ourselves what's up. Take care, and be willing to be ruthlessly honest with yourself (with YOURSELF, not him). Ask yourself if his behavior is loving to you. And if you really know what loving behavior looks like :) I sure didn't.
Aug 2 - 2PM (Reply to #43)
wholeagain
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I second that, great post

Watch don't listen...great reminder Briseis.
Aug 2 - 2PM (Reply to #42)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Excellent post!!!

Hi Briseis, I can so relate to everything you just said. The love is what most of us want and the words are just so darn warm and loving sometimes that is is way too easy to overlook the deeds. I also have never felt love from most of the men I've chosen and it was astonishing to me that this man "appeared" to be able to look right into my soul and say exactly what I had longed to hear my entire life. Oh but those actions, holy shit, they were like none I had ever seen or experienced. God bless, Goldie
Aug 2 - 2PM (Reply to #38)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Briseis

I am with you. I don't know what that loving feeling is in a real relationship. I don't know what to expect. I have longed to hear those endearing words for so very long and now all I hear is the abusive words he has told me in the past. How much he doesn't like me. How he will not miss me when we are over. How if I gain 5lbs or something happens to me he won't want me. I feel like an object or something silly. I'm almost 40 and not an object and want to be loved. He knows this and I feel like he has used this to hold me. These words don't really mean as much as I thought they would. Maybe because I feel there's a big price to pay for these words. Maybe because if I allow to be taken back in and fall for this hard and it blows up in my face I'm afraid I will be suicidal. I cannot take that kind of pain. I cannot handle falling that hard for him. This is why I'm scared
Aug 2 - 3PM (Reply to #39)
Briseis
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If you are afraid of

If you are afraid of becoming suicidal, then you should be scared :( This is your life, here. Of course you hear all the past abusive words. He said those TOO, along with the "I love you" words. Which are the truth? Look at how he treats you. How he behaves toward you. That is the truth. Always! You don't need a crystal ball, a therapist or a psychic to tell you if he really truly loves you (in spite of all the abusive stuff). All you need to know is how he treats you. You long to FEEL loved. That is what we all want you know? To just hear the words not what you really want :)
Aug 2 - 4PM (Reply to #40)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Briseis

It's just so wrong for these N to play on such strong emotions like this. They are playing with fire and it's not right. If I didn't know he was an N and what he has put me through I don't think I would have survived this. He has made me feel lower than I ever imagined. They should be put away. I do want to be loved and feel loved so badly and had so many dreams of this from him.
Aug 2 - 6PM (Reply to #41)
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

Happy1....

That's what they do. They know just what to say and when to say it to get what they want. They don't care how much they hurt us. They only say things to suit them and f*ck how we feel. It is a sad truth. And unfortunately, you (or any of us) will get the fairy tale ending from them. They are NOT our knights in shining armor like we all first thought. They are more like a version of the Grim Reaper !!
Aug 2 - 1PM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

Happy1

Hope is always a good thing. But, I found that pathology never changes. It took me 5 yrs of waiting for some type of change but to no avail. He would be nice to me, say the right things, then go back to the way he was and treat me even worse than the time before. Please protect your heart.
Aug 2 - 1PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Happy1

You should take a look at Rainbow's recent post if you haven't seen it. Almost identical story as yours. See how quickly the picture they paint turns to sh*t and how quickly the anger emerges and then turns into rage. I know how hard it is but it is an opportunity for you to take the lead and remind him of all the 'nice' things he has said and done and then say No thanks, not going there again. One day you will do this. I hope it is soon. Stay strong. He's fu*king with you because he can and he brought out the big guns because he knew he had to which meant you were getting away and he knew it. They love the challenge of the chase and when it's no longer a chase, the fun is over.

almostlydia

Aug 2 - 2PM (Reply to #23)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

almostlydia

Thank you and I just read Rainbow1's posts and these N's sound just alike. They are doing the same crap right now and it's sickening to me. I'm going to try to stay strong on this. It's hard to do when he said the words I've been longing for. I just feel this is his game.
Aug 2 - 9PM (Reply to #35)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

I understand, mine always

I understand, mine always said the words I needed to hear every time, in fact he's still trying to say the same tired old words yet again for the thousandth time. Problem was always the same they were just words and easily undone within 2 wks if not less. Got tired of hearing the same old words followed by the same old lying, cheating actions. He finally ran out of promises to break. Stay strong.

almostlydia

Aug 2 - 6PM (Reply to #31)
happydaysahead
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Happy1....me again :)

It is HIS game. They make the rules and they can change the rules whenever they want, but if one of us question any of the rules...BAM...we are sent back to square one with a stern scolding and get punished. Sucks, don't it ??
Aug 2 - 9PM (Reply to #33)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Scolding and getting punished

My ex-P treated me that way. How DARE I question him... how DARE I tell him that I was hurt... how DARE I tell him that he could possibly be wrong. He thought that because I was in love with him, because I was "inappropriate",I deserved what I got. I didn't even get some false apologies. Only "I'm sorry you feel that way" (instead of "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings") My ex-P envisioned himself as a mentor/parent... not as the bully he really was. I thought that congratulating him on his engagement would appease him and make closure... no, I got a tantrum. When I wished him and the OW mutual happiness... I got a tantrum. He could never be pleased. NEVER. He treated me like a toddler, NOT an adult.
Aug 2 - 9PM (Reply to #34)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Susan32

I understand because that's exactly how my N treats me and even says it. He calls me a child all the time. I'm tired of him belittling me. It disgusts me. Mine also says "I'm sorry you feel that way" instead of "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings". How sick!
Aug 2 - 6PM (Reply to #32)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Yes, and it's so true! I

Yes, and it's so true! I ask a normal question and get some hell raising nutso responses like I asked something horrendous! It blows my mind!!!
Aug 2 - 2PM (Reply to #24)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

I am sorry to say but it is

I am sorry to say but it is a game. 100% it is a game to them. They love the chase. I told mine this the other day actually. I said to him, "you just love the chase" he said "yeah yeah" then I said "but once youve caught me we go downhill" then he had the nerve to say "yeah but we can be f*cking while we roll down the hill". Just a game. I was being so strong and telling him that I want nothing to do with him when he was begging me and begging me. Then I say ok lets take things slow. Now he is withholding a relationship and said that he isnt ready right now but "knows that when he is ready he will be the best boyfriend and will make it all work out". Yeah right!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Aug 2 - 5PM (Reply to #28)
better off
better off's picture

This is how he likes it...

This is how he likes it... he likes it when YOU are the one begging and begging. Waiting and waiting. Now instead of rainbow having a life of her own and ignoring him, rainbow is home waiting for him while he goes on about his business. Now he can make rainbow wait as long as he wants because they are "taking it slow." When she starts 'acting right' (which will be never in a narc's world), then she can have Super N. Meanwhile he is still doing whatever he wants, just like he was when you were going on with your life. Now he has you back in a cage. Blow him OFF. You did it once, you can do it again.
Aug 2 - 6PM (Reply to #30)
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

Ack...........

"When she starts 'acting right' (which will be never in a narc's world)" Makes me sick to hear this. It's like we need to "earn" them. Like they are some grand prize and if we are lucky and kiss their asses just right, then WE ARE THE WINNER. But only for a short time until he wants to play a new game.
Aug 2 - 5PM (Reply to #29)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

betteroff

Amen to that! Yes, I can. I am still talking to him right now (I know I know, but I am getting there). But I am not being loving or nice. Actually today I told him that his check will be put in the mail and not to bother coming in. He asked why not and I said because I dont want to look at you. He blurted out like a child, "too bad for you! im coming and you HAVE to see me so ha!" If that doesnt sound like a 5 year old I dont know what does! _______________________________________________ "dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Aug 2 - 3PM (Reply to #26)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Rainbow1 It was hard to read

Rainbow1 It was hard to read your story today because it hit exactly on what is happening to me right now. I feel it is a game also as much as I don't want it to be. I'm very sad again but know the drill. The only good thing in all this is I am seeing what is happening and it's all going sour again. Very fast this time. The chase they like so much is pathetic and childish. They will never grow up.
Aug 2 - 5PM (Reply to #27)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

Happy1 and everyone

You want to know the worst part about mine? His last name! His last name is Bos which is pronounces Boss. He is so childish about it. He uses it for a response to everything! If I question him or set rules he just says "whats my last name? Thats what I thought! When that is your last name you can call the shots but until then you listen to me!" ______________________________________________ "dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Aug 2 - 2PM (Reply to #25)
Used
Used's picture

rainbow1

he has admitted its just a game , he actually told you that and you are still listening to him,and he still talks to you like that about sex, you are still young enough to get a life away from him,what has he got that you keep putting up with it,when i went nc, istill was lost a friend told me to write down the positives and negatives to bieng with him, there was 2 positives[believe it or not i can only remember 1 now] and there was 19, negatives, so thought is this realy what ive gone back for time and time again. NOW DONE AND DUSTED. the thought of going back with this freak makes me want to vomit, the disrespect he show,s you alone, let alone anything else.
Aug 2 - 11AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Happy

Oh! And another favorite thing was how he would have these different "standards" for his "child." Like if I was angry with him he would walk me outside because "Helldweller, you may think your chaotic anger is ok for the children, but it isn't for my "son." Ack! Just like it was ok for us to have sex on my couch and risk my daughters walking in, but not on HIS couch and risk his "son" walking in.
Aug 2 - 9AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

yadah yadah yadah

Sounds like he is kicking it up a notch. He's raising the ante cuz he can see and sense a change in you. He doesn't control you like he once did. Now he will say and possibly do a FEW things differently for a SHORT time. The first time I went no contact for a day he was madly in love with me. When I went NC for a week he was ready to sell his tools for me for a ring and when I went several weeks he said he put a tattoo on his chest and I was his FOREVER, poor me. I swear they do this on purpose so they can get some of us to marry them and then we are in purgatory for years. What better set up, treat her like crap, keep her on the string, then I'll throw her a bone, the love word. Maybe I'll get her a ring but then not marry her. String her along, string her along, string her along. Keep her son at bay then pull him in from time to time, string him along too. Then wham wham wham. He'll offer you something you have always wanted and then you are stuck with this cold, selfish, ass, for even longer. He's playing you big time with those words. I can feel it from here. He knows you are getting stronger and he does not like that. Keep reminding yourself that he cannot give you what those words imply. They are only words, this is only a movie, this is not real. What concerns me is what he is going to offer next. What comes next in his game to control you once again. Don't fall for this no matter what he does. There is the love card, the ring card, the childhood trauma card, and many others, he is a conman. Be careful Happy, you have come so far. This guy is not good to you or your son and his true self is always there. God bless, Goldie
Aug 2 - 10AM (Reply to #20)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Goldie

Thank you! You are correct in what you say and I feared it as soon as he said it. I felt like when he said it I felt like he thought he was giving me the biggest gift I could ask for. Not that he meant it but it's what I've waited 2 years to hear from him. I didn't feel overwhelmed with love when he said it and I don't know that I felt any different at all. It just made me more skeptical of what he was doing. He seems to gone back to his old ways today and I wondered how long he could keep up the act. It wasn't like him at all. I am not in the mood to see his asshole real self again. I think he feels he has me under his thumb again because he said the words. It makes me sick. I don't know when and if I will see him this upcoming weekend. I do worry about my son and how this is all affecting him. The N is a sick man and I don't want to fall into his trap again. It's hard when they try to play so hard with feelings. I have longed for him to say he loves me for so long and now I just want to say "F YOU"! You should have waited so long to play that card. Remember that for your next feeding.
Aug 2 - 8AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Happy

Oh, and if you didn't read it yet, last night he texted me that he wouldn't subject a dog to life with me.
Aug 2 - 8AM (Reply to #7)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Thank you Helldweller, This

Thank you Helldweller, This is exactly what I'm waiting for and will not let myself accept his words of love all of a sudden. I'm fighting it. I waited 2 years to hear something loving come out of his mouth and now he suddenly had this amazing awakening that he doesn't share feelings and blah blah blah!!!! How many times I told him I haven't heard a nice word out of his mouth in MONTHS and he didn't care then. He didn't get a clue then. I am on my guard big time and when he acts like his assy self again it will be just another ah hah moment. I sent him 2 nice emails last night and this guy lives with his Iphone attached to his ear. He didn't respond to his emails and this morning I emailed him back. His response was he was busy at work. He also told me last night that he took off this Thursday and Friday and if we want to come down on Wednesday night with him and his son that is fine. Well, I finally get a note from him this morning with nothing loving or nice but just a note saying that he is picking his son up on Wednesday as I know and he would like to spend 1 on 1 time with his son on Thursday but if we want to come down on Friday that's fine. Okay, now this shouldn't upset me but for some reason it pisses me off!!! Also, I have asked him to take time off in the past for him and I and he never could. He has been taking off all summer for his son but not one day for me and I'm feeling very resentful.
Aug 2 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Happy1

You know what? F*CK him and his son. You were supposed to be a family, just like my n and our kids.
Aug 2 - 10AM (Reply to #16)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I'm just so god damned

I'm just so god damned ticked off that he wouldn't take one day off for me this summer but has taken more than I count for his son. And don't get me wrong, I feel for his son because I think he's got the influence of the N and will turn into one himself unfortunately. I just cannot believe how he could make me jealous of a child for goodness sakes. That's so wrong!!! Having "ALONE" time with his son. That statement has been said so much that I throw up in my mouth when I read or hear it. My son and I do not count and we are not family. He makes it clear over and over.