"Be the change you want to see in the world."

I have realised a very important lesson about myself today.
I behaved erratically and OTT. I mean I have been like a crazy girl speaking.

NOT malicious no, thank god, but crazy mad stalking person…

I think I have just begun the break down of the programme that has meant I have been destroying my life all this time. That which has kept me in destructive relationships where people who see my co-dependency use it and others are utterly repelled.

OK? What now…

It was so overt this time I can’t help but take heed.
I don’t know what came over the perfectly rational person that I like I think I am?
THIS IS A BIG HA HA moment 4 me.

I must have hit my head or something, because I never saw that I was doing this until right now. Consumed by a need to put the situation right. I couldn’t, I had gone too far and it could not be rectified.

I am now ready to take on board my co-dependency issues and find a path for my real healing.

Co-dependency seems to be about the dynamics of blurred boundaries.
From my understanding Co-dependency creates a tension within self because of the fabrications of your relationships with others. Denial of self is like the death of the soul. While we are co-dependant we always worry what others think of us and trying to please others and doing anything we can do to ‘fit in’. We lack approval as children. We long for approval; we look for others appreciation of us. In a way it is a little like NPD in that we build the ideal of ourselves from outside of ourselves through the eyes of others. So we objectify ourselves and that’s what narcs like because it makes their job easier of objectifying us.

Setting personal boundaries is fundamental to the healing process. So limiting the lengths we will go to get ‘approval’ is vital. As is recognising the need in oneself to approve of oneself first and foremost.

I see that now. I makes complete sense now. But I think sometimes it takes a huge shift in energy to break cycles that have repeating for decades of our lives.

Robert Burney frames it in his book, ‘the dance of the wounded soul, by explaining the ‘shame’ we hold from co-dependency is toxic. (Because the approval we seek can never be found through others in this way). WE create shame through negative co-dependant behaviours. The shame we create in ourselves is so encompassing and destabilising that it destroys the soul. The more we fall into co-dependent positions the more we embrace the shame that makes us look for still more co-dependant situations. The cycle continues.

There is a great deal more on this subject that leads into language, semiotics and control.

I do think that is about control of our surroundings. Sometimes it feels like we are so out of control and we want to strive for more control but we only hamper our efforts because we are trying to achieve a level of perfection we don’t own in ourselves, it is based on ideals of others around us that we seek approval from. The West is supports the creation of this sickness, through advertising, marketing, consumption of items and acquisition of goods, for which we use to build a sense of identity in this ever increasing modern materialistic world.

NPD is like this too, except the narc builds his objectified universe by trying to manipulate others into his own value system, by forcing them to adhere to his/her perfection… When they cant then it breaks down. I think many NPD’s are co-dependent but the lack of empathy and need to hurt others to feel better about themselves makes it all the more dangerous.

So I think I must have set this up lunatic happening up (with ex) on purpose. If you don’t make mistakes and then recognise the learning value then you have nothing but ‘shame’ left to live on. If shame is as toxic as we know it be then I know I have to take heed this time. If I can wake up now, stop the pattern unfolding any further and realise my weakness and forgive myself.

I have been fortunate to bring an overtly narcissistic person into my life. Yes blessed.
(No I’m not mad )

I have been given this entire travesty as a gift from the universe to bring this knowledge into my life.

If I structure my thinking this way then I can learn form my lessons at long last and open up a better future for myself as independent autonomous human.

I found this..

Gandhi quote, "Be the change you want to see in the world." Be is the operative word, the first word. Be--not tell, not try, not hope for, just be, as in I am that, therefore I can be nothing else. If we are trying to convert, to convince, or coerce, than we are not convinced ourselves.

http://www.theotherbed.com/2010/02/we-are-world-haiti-now-peace-within.html