Are Any of You Re-married or Have a Significant Other that is Normal?

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Jul 7 - 10AM (Reply to #17)
sawthelight
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enoughalready

WOW! All those traits you listed describe my husband perfectly! I wish I had written that! This is the exact opposite of what narcissists are!! I love your last sentence!

sawthelight

Jul 7 - 11AM (Reply to #18)
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

sawthelight

We have alot in common. Those are my husband's and ex-husband's traits. I have learned a hard lesson in all of this. I should have appreciated what I had instead of looking elsewhere. What I found was the devil. Sometimes I feel God had placed him in my path to shake some sense into me. My husband has some traits of narcissism but not all of them as my XN.
Jul 7 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
NinjaGirl
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LOL

I love your last line. I think that's a great title/follow-up for another book.
Jul 7 - 10AM (Reply to #16)
ClusterF
ClusterF's picture

Hear, hear!

Love that!
Jul 7 - 9AM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Yes

I'm dating a really lovely man. I think the first thing I noticed was his eyes--the ex had that reptilian, opaque look to his. New Man's eyes are clear and expressive and most of the time they're full of humor and spark. His smile reaches his eyes. He's less guarded, more natural. Therefore, sometimes he trips over his own feet, or says the wrong thing, or embarrasses himself. He easily laughs at himself. I love this, the normalness and vulnerability of it, because the ex was always about appearances, all the time. In all the years I was with the ex, 15+, he never once tripped that I can remember. Not once! When we fight, which hasn't really been a big issue, it's very simple--no convoluted logic or attempts to divert or confuse. The issue is what it is, as opposed to narc fighting which is usually a big cluster f*** of confusion and win/lose vs. win/win. The fights with the ex were never the same on the surface as they were underneath. And NM seeks to understand me, not so he can exploit weaknesses but so that he can get it right. If I'm feeling insecure or unsure, he will stop anything to focus on understanding how I feel, what his part may be in that, and what he may need to do to help me. His attention feels good, not oppressive. He doesn't demand my attention all the time either. He respects my need for a lot of alone time. He doesn't focus on how I look but tells me I'm beautiful and I believe him. It doesn't matter if I wear makeup, he's as happy to see me in jeans and a tshirt as anything, how I wear my hair doesn't make a difference. He's not passive aggressive. When we're not together, I don't worry about what he's doing. At all. We were friends and artistic collaborators for 2.5 years before we started dating, which has made a huge difference, I saw him in other relationships, etc. Anyway when we're each off doing our own thing my time is much more my time since I'm not fretting about him. I feel protected and safe within the relationship. I was horribly exploited by the ex, especially sexually. Being in a "normal" relationship I am more horrified every day by what the ex did. NM is a writer so some of our life goes public, but only with my explicit permission. He has strong boundaries and respects my boundaries. In general, the relationship has a gentle rhythm to it. No big highs or lows. He's my equal and we both bring unique strengths to each other. I did a lot of therapy over the last year+ and feel so much better about myself in general, finally know myself as an adult and have learned to protect myself where I didn't get that growing up. So, I'm a better partner and have a stronger base from which to express myself. I feel good about myself for the most part, and I feel good in the relationship because I don't depend on it for my self esteem. That's what I've learned so far, as I cautiously move forward :) It's pretty much what you see is what you get, a far cry from narcville where my motto was pretty much "WTF?"
Jul 7 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

It's just easy.

It's just easy. That's all I can say about being in love with a normal person. Not that there weren't problems, but overall it was just easy. No anxiety, no stress, no secrets, no lies, no subtle put-downs. It's just easy.
Jul 8 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

I agree

That sums it up perfectly. Even when it's hard it's easy.
Jul 7 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

Yep

That's totally how my best friend is. I always feel like I can completely be myself, and I'm not being judged. In fact, there are days I feel outright ugly, and he'll smile at me and say, "Hey, beautiful." When he's not around, I'm not worried about what he's doing. I'm not worried about him ever leaving me. He says what he thinks, and he's very articulate. There are no mind games. When we do have fights, he's man enough to say he's sorry if he's wrong. When we talk, it's not all about him. He's much more interested in listening to me. He ALWAYS backs me up and doesn't talk shit about others behind their backs. Wow. Why did I ever date those other guys?
Jul 7 - 9AM
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

That's sort of hard to say

My best friend is male. He's been my best friend for 13 years. We did date for a short period when we first met, but then we started fighting a lot and I broke it up. Throughout the two boyfriends I've had since, he's always been there for me. He compliments me every day, would do anything for me, is on the same page as I am about almost everything, has held me many nights through my heartbreak (without trying anything), is a vegetarian like me, has all the same interests as me, and is completely wonderful. Yeah, he has his flaws, like he's really forgetful and I think he has ADD, but he has one of the purest hearts of anyone I know. He's very mentally stable, etc. In fact, we spend almost all our of our free time together. MY problem is that I'm attracted, for some reason, to the jerks. But it's something I'm working through. And I have a feeling that when I do, I'm going to ask my best friend to be with me again. And I know he'll say yes in a second. And if I want to get married, he'll propose to me in a second. He's the nice guy we always consider to be a "good friend", you know? But now I'm realizing that the good guys, even though they may not bring with them the fireworks and the angst that some of us seem to be drawn to, are the ones we need to be with. I've never felt as loved by ANY man as I do by my best friend. And my entire family loves him. My mom considers him to be her son. Every person who meets him likes him, because he's really friendly and helpful and kind and sincere. So clearly I'm the messed-up one here. But I'm getting past that, and hopefully I'll make the right choice.
Jul 7 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Ninja

It's clear from what you've written about him here and in other comments that he means the world to you...and you have good insight into where you need to do your work. Loyalty is huge and it's what we all lacked with in narcworld. Sounds like he's as loyal to you as can be :)
Jul 7 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

Ninja

Wholeagain put it spot on. We all watch your comments over this friend and it is pretty clear that you do think the world of him. as wholeagain wrote, I think that love should be in that gentle rythm, not the giddy highs and subsequent lows that we got hooked to. Was not going to comment on it but I think you can see that there may be something there once you are better. If not you have a good friend for life :)

Nevergoback

Jul 7 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

I think..

...that you're completely right.
Jul 7 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

Yeah, he is

He hates my ex-narc with a passion. And I think my ex-narc knows this, because even though he was good friends with my best friend, after he broke up with me, he didn't contact my friend at all, even though he and I were still talking. I think my ex-narc knows that my best friend sees right through him, always has, never REALLY liked him but was happy as long as I was happy, and wants to beat his ass for hurting me. My best friend also takes martial arts and weapons, so he COULD do it, too.
Jul 7 - 9AM
sarahb
sarahb's picture

yes

Yes, after dating about 5 narcs (6 years with the main one), and some normal-ish men interspersed with that, I have now been married for 10 years. Met my husband at work. Unlike the Narcs, he didn't pursue me, I pursued him, thought he was totally cute. (Interesting thing that, as utterly obsessed as I became about the narcs, I didn't really care for most of them at the beginning, didn't even really want to date them). I came here to this board after being contacted by someone I had OBSESSED about in a long distance rltnshp around 24 years ago and can see now is a N too. I told my husband all about the N and his emails, and husband is not the jealous type, and we talked, and actually grew closer from it. (HA! take that, stupid Narc). I am happy that this board has explained all the mean crazy men in my past. Anyway, how is it different with my husband? While we argue sometimes, I don't ever receive any cruel, cold, mean surprise attacks out of nowhere. I don't live in constant fear. I feel good about myself. I trust him. I don't receive constant subtle and not so subtle criticism. I can see in my husband's warm eyes that he really cares about me. If something bad happens to me, he is sad for me too and has a reaction of empathy and caring, not annoyance. If something good happens, he is happy too, and not envious. I am not constantly confused by his statements and behavior. He doesn't have underlying murderous rage. He is supportive (unlike the Narc who pretended to be supportive but then got all pissed off later that he ever had to listen to my problems). Sex is better - main N actually said he was "jealous" of my orgasms. WTF? Jealous? We have more friends and social life and I like that people actually like my husband and aren't just tolerating him, as it seemed with all the Ns. My husband doesn't smirk or pontificate or condescend or patronize or look at me with cold dead eyes. I don't ever have dreams where he is a warrior trying to kill me or get a sudden flash as we are driving somewhere remote that he could or would kill me. Oh, man, I better stop, I could go on and on here. It is not like I am running through a field of daisies every day with my husband, we have our conflicts, and goodness knows he is quite lazy about emptying the dishwasher, but it is different. It really is categorically different and soooo much better living with a normal loving person.
Jul 7 - 9AM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

Yes I would like 2 know this

Yes I would like 2 know this too! I think if I couldn't see the red flags before how would I see them nxt time? I
Jul 8 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
Used
Used's picture

red flags

yes vix i believe u would see the red flags know, because with knowledge comes alertness, a couple of months ago a man become friendly we met twice for a cup of tea, all was wll the third time he said you are in my thoughts night a day, i cant stop thinking about you and how lovley you are, and i said well i only met you today to tell you you are not ;my cup of tea; the shock on his face i will always remember, i then got up and moved to another table, red alert, red flag, what he didnt know was everything he said my exsaid on third meeting too you will know, i promise
Jul 7 - 9AM
ClusterF
ClusterF's picture

Nope

I am reading 'How to Spot a Dangerous Man" and it looks like I have no skills whatsoever in choosing a non-dangerous one. It's going to be a very long time before I can make a good choice. I guess I'm bummed out about that but after almost losing my life, it's not really worth it. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is in our shoes. High-five to anyone here who does have a normal relationship, though!