What do we really miss?

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#1 Jul 1 - 1PM

rhiannon

What do we really miss?

I was reading one of Sandra Brown's articles on her website, and came across this exercise. I think it's a great idea, and I'm definitely going to do this...

Women often think that since they â€˜miss the good times of the relationshipâ€™ they must miss him. What women actually often are missing is the â€˜feelingsâ€™ that were generated in the relationship when it was good. Women miss feeling of being â€˜in loveâ€™ or â€˜attachedâ€™ or â€˜wanted and desiredâ€™ or â€™safe and secure.â€™ When women can separate out what they really â€˜missâ€™ they often can see that â€˜heâ€™ represented those feelings she was having. She misses the feelings of the illusion of being in a good relationship. Missing â€˜himâ€™ might not really be â€˜missing him.â€™ Who is â€˜himâ€™ â€“ the dangerous man/cheater/liar/or pathological? You miss that â€˜himâ€™? No. You miss the feelings of being in love.

Tell yourself â€” â€œWhat I am missing are the â€˜feelingsâ€™ of being in a good relationship.â€ Remind yourself of that when you misinterpret those feelings as meaning you â€˜want him back.â€™ Often that isnâ€™t the case. Recognize that this very â€˜feelingâ€™ thing is what propels women right back out there seeking to â€˜feel lovedâ€™ again and attach to those missing feelings. It places women very â€˜at-riskâ€™ of repeating the same mistake.

Hereâ€”try this. Draw a line down the middle of the page. On one side, list the feelings you miss having. On the other side, list the dangerous man traits/behaviors/incidents.

Now take a look. Which do you really miss?.

The article can be found here:
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/category/sandra-says/sandra%E2%80%9...

#2 Jul 24 - 1PM

smileyfacepr

almostlydia

Im sorry to hear about ur mom..hope shes doing better..and we r here for u!!! xoxo

smileyfacepr

#3 Jul 23 - 9PM

gettingbetter

I miss...

I miss him telling me that his best friend (a classic narc) wanted to fix him up with a friend of his mistress and they could "double date." In fact, I really miss his friend -- a real creap whose emotional development stopped at about age five and thought he was a rock star who was yet to be discovered. There's really something to be said about learning a lot about people from what their friends are like. This professionally unsuccessful, obese, physically disgusting almost-sixty jerk would actually get up on a stage with his "band," act like Mick Jagger and try to get the twenty-somethings to do shots with him on the stage -- in front of his wife! Embarrassing doesn't even begin to describe it. Also miss that he wouldn't take Viagra when he really, really needed it but still told me he could please any woman in bed. Totally delusional.

#4 Jul 23 - 8PM

MsVulcan500

I miss. . .

I miss him telling me how beautiful I am, how he loves my eyes and my smile, and how much he loves me . . . oh wait. I'm sorry, I thought this was the "in your dreams" board. I do miss him NOT telling me any of those things but making sure I know just how awesome everyone else is! I also miss being called a racist.

#5 Jul 24 - 7PM (Reply to #48)

Happy1

haha! That's funny

haha! That's funny MsVulcan500! I miss him calling me the "C" word and telling me how much he hates me and has been trying to get rid of me for 18 out of the 24 months we've been together. I miss how he sucks my bank account dry and leaves me broke. I miss how he shows me no emotion and no feelings whatsoever. I miss how he only wants to talk about sex instead of what our real issues are when we talk. I miss how he never asked me about my day or my life. I miss how he never asked me about my son. I miss how he is self centered and full of himself. I miss how he is the victim in everything he does. I miss how he gave me the silent treatment. I miss how he cheated on me. I miss how I was always wondering what he was doing and thinking and feeling. I miss how drained I would feel when I would get home after a weekend with him. I miss walking on eggshells. I miss the monster he is! Because my name is really Morticia from the 'Adams Family'. 8-)

#6 Jul 23 - 5PM

starofthesea

I miss.....the time I got a

I miss.....the time I got a call saying that my father was extremely ill in hospital in another state, and I called you for comfort, and you hung up the phone on me because you were annoyed that I would have to visit him which - rather inconveniently for you - meant we might have to cancel our vacation.

#7 Jul 23 - 4PM

almostlydia

I was reminded last night

I was reminded last night what I miss most, as i stayed at the hospital all day and night for my Mother's cancer surgery. I miss that on every tragic occasion when I was away for family such as the time my young cousin, his wife and two small children were killed, my exN had already lined up the night to be with one of his OP's in my absence. I still get a sinking feeling when I hear a busy signal on a phone because that was how I always knew. So last night, as I sat there able to be 100% for my Mother, I missed so bad that I was not completely wrecked by the fact that I knew he was fu*cking his brains out in my most desperate hours with the phone off the hook. BTW. I had to remind myself of this last night because I couldn't figure out why he had been on my mind during all of this. I finally decided that it must have been that at times like this you depend on those that 'love' you for support. And then I remembered exactly what would have happened had he still been in my life. And how it was definitely in the top ten of the worst things anyone could ever do to someone they were suppose to love.

almostlydia

#8 Jul 25 - 11AM (Reply to #44)

Lisa E. Scott

Almostlydia

"I had to remind myself of this last night because I couldn't figure out why he had been on my mind during all of this. I finally decided that it must have been that at times like this you depend on those that 'love' you for support. And then I remembered exactly what would have happened had he still been in my life. And how it was definitely in the top ten of the worst things anyone could ever do to someone they were suppose to love." I'm so glad you don't have to concern yourself with what he's doing anymore. Definitely one of the top ten worst things anyone could ever do to someone they're supposed to love. I'm sorry he put you through this and glad you don't have to think about what he's doing anymore. I'm sorry to hear about your Mom and I hope she is recovering nicely. Big Hugs! xoxo

#9 Jul 26 - 10PM (Reply to #45)

almostlydia

Thanks, Lisa. She is doing

Thanks, Lisa. She is doing great and we are both extremely happy to be home again.

almostlydia

#10 Jul 23 - 6PM (Reply to #42)

I miss....

not knowing if you'll be home for dinner... or at all. I miss you spending your money on your private club & the boys. I miss you telling me I'm impossible to buy gifts for. I miss the yelling, the put-downs & the f-word. I miss begging you to kiss me goodbye. I miss you passing out on the couch. I miss your anger & negatvity. I miss you playing golf for 6 hours on Saturday & watching football Sunday from 9:30 am until 8 pm.I miss you telling me I have no idea what I am talking about. I miss you wanting to "just have sex". I miss you asking me to just blow you. I miss you watching porn. I miss only listening to your music. I miss you ignoring our daughter's request to play with you. I miss walking on eggshells.

#11 Jul 28 - 4PM (Reply to #43)

sweetsamm

CREEPS

DITTO DITTO DITTO..........always asking for blowjobs,being called a cu*#, a dirty whore(while he was seeing craigslist hookers),a skank,ugly,wrinkled and old(he's now dating a 56yr old,i'm 42,lol)stupid,crazy bit#*,psycho,etc....i could go on all day,i miss NONE of it,...I thank God for the guardian angel that finally gave me the strength to get out of that disfunctional relationship.......p.s. i also miss the 250dollar a month cable bill we had because of your porn addiction..the bill you used to hide,remember???

#12 Jul 23 - 5PM (Reply to #40)

rainbow1

That is horrible

I am so sorry that you had to go through that back then and I am so sorry that you are dealing with that with your mother now! Please know that we are all here for you and I would NEVER have a busy signal if you were to call! "dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#13 Jul 23 - 5PM (Reply to #41)

almostlydia

Thank you Rainbow1.

Thank you Rainbow1. Fortunately it was an excellent reminder of why I don't need that in my life anymore. Makes me think that 'cognitive dissonance' gives way to reality at some point along the way. Thank God!

almostlydia

#14 Jul 23 - 1PM

ShaynasMommy

As for me....

I miss you coming home at 2 a.m., with the excuse of collecting his clothes so he could go on vacation with his new girlfriend, and calling me evil and going nuts on me when I had the audacity NOT to crumble at your feet with greif. Yeah, that was reaally special of you.

#15 Jul 23 - 1PM

rhiannon

Here's What I Miss...

I miss you getting drunk and acting like a total lunatic on practically a daily basis. I miss you asking me to weigh myself in front of you. I miss you telling me how many problems I have. I miss listening to you blabber on for hours on end after you've taken your Xanax. I miss having to judge everything by how I think you're going to react to it. I miss you throwing and breaking stuff when you have one of your temper-tantrums. I miss you doing stupid shit like firing guns in the house. I miss you driving really fast and reckless with me in the car when you know it scares me. I miss listening to your lectures about how good of a person you are. I miss you telling me "it's a two-way street." I miss you locking me out of the bedroom so you can go through my purse. I miss you getting pissed off and hanging up if my phone vibrates or makes a noise when we're on the phone. I miss you forcing me to open all of my financial statements so you can see for yourself where, when, and what I've been doing. I miss you calling me a liar. I miss you keeping me from seeing my friends because you don't like them. I miss you talking shit about my parents and putting them down. I miss you keeping me from going to happy hour with my co-workers. I miss you going on your gambling trips once a month. I miss you criticizing me if I don't do something the way you think it should be done. I miss how you completely dominate and twist our conversations around so it's somehow MY fault. I miss you completely making my birthday THE worst ever. I miss you going psycho on me all of a sudden without warning. I miss tippy-toeing around you all the time. I miss you questioning everything I do, while you do whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want. I miss you bragging about your lifetime VIP membership to our local strip club. I miss you whipping out and showing off your wad of $100 bills wherever we go. I miss you not being responsible and sleeping all day when you should be working. I miss you going to restaurants with your buddies that have scantily-clad female wait staff. I miss you never apologizing when you treat me like shit. I miss you calling me a "selfish adult brat." I miss you criticizing my driving. I miss your mood swings and depression. I miss you throwing my iPod my food and getting pissed because I wouldn't eat dinner. I miss you always having to one-up everyone. I miss your complete inability to make plans. I miss how everything is somehow my fault. I miss you snapping at me on the phone for no apparent reason and hurting my feelings. I miss the psychotic members of your family. I miss your loser friends. I miss you going behind my back, calling my father, and telling him things I told you in confidence. I miss my friends and family complaining that they never see me anymore. I miss not being able to play games on my phone with my friends because it's "communication." I miss you humiliating me by forcing me to eat that f-ing M&M. I miss you turning off your phones so I can't get a hold of you when you get mad. I miss you not paying your bills on time. I miss everybody having to step in and take care of YOUR business when YOU are the one that should have done it in the first place. I miss coming home, turning on the tv and being presented with a porn channel. I miss you drinking and driving. I miss your total lack of morals. I miss you telling me you asked me a "DI-rect question that deserves a DI-rect answer." I miss listening to you throw around racial slurs. I miss you not speaking in a grammatically correct manner. I think that about covers it. Good riddance, babe.

#16 Jul 23 - 11AM

WellRed

This is what I'm missing.....

I miss coming home from work and listening to him bloviate for hours about how great he is and how dumb everyone else is. I miss that when ever I get within 30 feet of him he bellows out an order for me to do something for him. I miss doing EVERYTHING wrong. I miss him telling me how much toilet paper to use. I miss mowing the lawn while he is on the internet surfing porn and dating sights. I miss his narcisstic rages in which he looks like Satan himself. I miss his constant complaining. I miss his arrogant and hauty behavior. I miss being humiliated in public. I miss having a guy that hits on all my friends. I miss the lies,,,,oh the lies. That felt good!

#17 Jul 23 - 9AM

betty2020

I miss that i no longer have

I miss that i no longer have someone to correct their spelling, word usage and grammatical errors, their lack of accountability for anything they do and their temper tantrums. Maybe i should just become a grade school teacher... I would have my daily fix.... only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#18 Jul 23 - 12PM (Reply to #34)

rainbow1

hahaha!

Oh yes their spelling! I have to correct him all of the time! I had to do his resumes for him because he had no idea what to do. I was constantly telling him what words meant. He didnt know what "cynical" meant! And the apple doesnt fall far from the tree, I had to tell his dad what "vetoed" meant yesterday!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#19 Jul 24 - 10PM (Reply to #35)

hitandrun

double ha!ha!

Spelling? My ex just made spelling errors on his intention to defend legal document! Dumba$$. Funny,because his reason was a total fabrication. If you are gonna lie to the court, at least spell it right. Yes, I really do miss the lies. Will stop for now before I go on a big rant...maybe later : )

#20 Jul 2 - 3PM

Steph

I really miss the police.

I really miss the police. Since he is out of the picture, whenever I have cried or had emotion, nobody is around to call the police on me. Nobody did it like him.

#21 Jul 23 - 10AM (Reply to #32)

Bodhi

LOL

Love it

#22 Jul 23 - 9AM (Reply to #31)

betty2020

We could call them for ya!

We could call them for ya! lol xoxoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#23 Jul 2 - 4PM (Reply to #30)

girlfriday

Too Effing Funny!

#24 Jul 2 - 10AM

NancyM

I really miss

Diddly squat, cos what was supposedly good I was being played like a violin. I really got to observe this towards the end though, so I suppose that helped.

Nevergoback

#25 Jul 23 - 11AM (Reply to #27)

Used

missing them

this is what i miss with those 2 NOTHING. SORRY FOR SHOUTING

#26 Jul 24 - 5AM (Reply to #28)

Used

midding

i miss exh, for me beign at the hospital while my dad was dying of cancer and soiling his self, and my ex holding his nose complain,f,,k this i dont want to smell his f,,king sh,t, and this after helping his mum when she was dying of cancer, i miss when the doctor said my illness[eating disorder] iwas 5stone by then] and begging my exh to please help me, and he said the hospital said its self inflicted so its your fault, i miss when iwas 5 stone saying why me and him saying why not you, then when his mum got cancer saying why my mum and me saying why not her, when he began screaming at me for saying it, isaid you said that to me about my illness 3months ago he totally denied saying it, i miss him so very much. NOT;

#27 Jul 2 - 10AM

helldweller

I miss

. . . The kisses and smiles and the eyes looking me up and down. (I found out later he was seeing others at the same time he was doing this). . . . the late night meetings in my house, with the windows open, candles on and soft music, having cocktails and him saying, "I love it here." (I found out later it was the escape from real life that he loved, including a girlfriend who had grown stale, and soon realized I would never be allowed in his own home). . . . watching him walk, watching his body move, thinking, He's mine (Obviously, he wasn't). . . . going to political events and parties and being able to say, "Do you know Judge blank? He's my boyfriend." (Didn't really register the time that those I was speaking to would look at me with a mixture of shock and pity) . . . going places with him and walking in next to him, with him holding my hand and leading the way I felt so proud and special (Didn't really register at the time that those observing us would look at me with a mixture of shock and pity) . . . watering the flowers together, having coffee in the morning in the yard together, having drinks in the yard at night together: this only lasted for a few months before he put locked gates on his yard and stopped answering my texts of "Coffee?" or "Check the flowers?" or "Cocktails?"

#28 Jul 23 - 9AM (Reply to #25)

betty2020

Now tell us whats on the

Now tell us whats on the other side of the Line.....Dig deep and look. I know when you really start making that list your gonna need extra paper. xoxoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#29 Jul 2 - 10AM

helldweller

I miss

#30 Jul 2 - 10AM

helldweller

I miss

#31 Jul 1 - 8PM

Susan32

What did I miss???

At the time, I missed my ex-P in a mentor, paternal role. At the time, I thought I enjoyed his companionship. He was handsome, he was philosophical, he'd talk about his feelings... But now I'm disgusted. He took advantage of my empathy, my goodwill, my constant encouragement... and he NEVER apologized for how he acted. He wanted me to look bad so he'd look good... and this a TEACHER we're talking about. I'd never forgive him even if he came to me begging for forgiveness. And if he said he found Jesus, I'd slam the door in his face.

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