Imabloke story

After reading the comments on this fab site. I can only give from the recent experience I have had with my now exN girlfriend. (Yes I am man girls and it happens to us guys as well). I believe is a 'covert narcissist'. Someone who would cover up the arrogance by being the opposite.
She appears shy, like a wall flower. Wouldn't hurt a fly, very endearing, very well liked in our circle of friends. However we are talking a wolf in sheeps clothing... she has a very highly specialized status job in the city and EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT. How she works in a team i don't know. She doesn't really work in a team it seems like she runs everything including her boss and i'll get to the boss later in the story.
I lived and loved her for over 2.5 years.
She was never wrong, didn't take criticism at all well. We never argued, which is not good in a relationship. And I think this is more of avoidance than anything else.
No empathy, no remorse, working always to her agenda blaming others and failure to take responsibility for her actions.

IN THE BEGINNING... We were members of the same amateur dramatic group. I liked her, she was attractive, sassy full of life etc.. and friends we talking at in the pub after shows etc. She approached me, told me her current relationship wasn't right and she wanted to end it.
And in all honesty she told me about her dodgy past. But now on my reflection.. how much of it was truth or being economical with the truth? Down is up up is down. And she told me she was (and still is) having therapy.. now there's a thought.
I knew i was taking a massive risk with this person as she didn't seem to 'know herself'.
But in life we take risks.. if we don't, we will not know ourselves' and remain emotionally stunted.
So I went for it and became the new lover or source if you like. She left her partner within weeks, so there wasn't much 'overlap' as i didn't want to be the 'other man'. I didn't feel good about myself while we were carrying on etc.

She moved into a rented a house. I said 'have some space, time on your own'
No. She wanted me now, I was the love of her life etc, etc. We all know where this is going. She had her house and i had mine. Although i spent all my time round at hers.

The thing is - narcissists can't stand on their own 2 feet.
They have to have someone. She is so insecure.
They have to have a support network, we all need people in our life's, family friends, spouse etc. but you'll find N's are people junkies they like to have lots of people that they can tap into. And when it ain't going there way they dump you.
I believe she chose me because at the time I was strong. I told her that i was divorced, had managed to sell a very big house and buy 2 smaller houses one for me and one for my ex wife and my 3 children. That impressed her. And she knew i could help her move on to the next stage in her life and help rebuild her life ie. get out of the old relationship move and buy a house etc.
I am very good at fixing things DIY and a good organiser etc. I did an awful lot for her.

MY whole life changed!!!

At first the love or as I thought it was love, was 'euphoric' It was just something else, so wonderful something i have never experienced before. I felt loved. The sex was just amazing. After a few months it was a leap year 2008 and in Feb she asked to marry me.
I was very flattered no woman has ever asked. I always did the asking and i had only ever asked twice before (1. my ex wife and 2. one other lover years ago and she said no). Alarm bells were ringing because she had only been out of relationship for a short while and now wanted to marry me. It all sounds very nice but a bit juvenile for someone that's 40. But i was so in love etc etc..

The first year was great. But something wasn't right IT WAS ALL TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. It felt like i was dealing with the emotions of a child rather than an adult. Weird.
Sometimes she would be staring at me (lovingly) and end up walking into something.
Talk of 'never leave me' 'always and for ever' etc. etc. lots and lots of it. little notes left about the house which is all normal she couldn't get enough of me. I know that people in love do all this stuff but it all so gushing that's the only way to describe it. And I was hooked.

This was the idealization stage.
On the gift giving, there were lots of gifts, spontaneous. (Beware of Greeks bearing gifts!) I gave back in return lots of love. love letters, gifts, flowers etc etc.

My kids got to know her kids and they all got on great. We had our first holiday together along with another friend and her children, which now i think was her secondary NS. The more i write about this the more i understand the nature of the person I was dealing with.
The NS has to be on there best behaviour at first . Thing is why did she pick me??.. she must have had other suitors... But i obviously had something that she lacked...

She did have pics of friends family etc. all seemed normal.
But no long term friends like Uni friends etc. In fact she would criticise them.
Then almost overnight came the depression, self loathing. The silence. She wouldn't open up tell me what was wrong. It was like an emotional wall.
Is this common in narcissists?
I felt like i was in the wrong perhaps it's me that's getting her down. What can i do to make things better? Why is she like this? Why doesn't she talk to me about what's bothering her.
One thing they are afraid of, is intimacy.
I mean real intimacy.
Talking about real problems. She never really talked about me, to me ie. How do feel about your brothers illness? What went wrong with your other female relationships? Lets go and see some of your friends in your home town etc. It was always about her... and her agenda. Never about me. I felt lost I felt i was changing, disoriented. I was losing my identity. I was so desperate to make this relationship work i was changing myself into something i thought she wanted me to be. She fed me, we slept together, the sex became less frequent, less passionate and i would always have to initiate it.
We never argued.. now I think she was afraid that would lead to her revealing her true self..
Am I right??

My ex wife contracted breast cancer late 2009... I joking said well we'll may have to buy a big house and all of us live together your kids my kids etc. and i know that scared her. Intimacy and commitment. An adult would say something like 'well Im not sure if I can do that.. or I'm not ready for this.. lets talk about this and find a solution etc. But she didn't.
Can't confront real issues. It's like dealing with a child who isn't getting the right sort of candy. What happens - a tantrum - but she can't have a tantrum, because the real person will come out.. Writing this all down is helping me make sense of it all.

It felt she was the flat tyre and I was the pump. It was exhausting. She rarely projected. On occasions i would get the blast of something that I had done, that was my fault but in the middle of something else, she was trying to come to terms with. So it was out of context. Oh my god when she was angry you knew about it (where's the wall flower now). So now we on to the next stage 'devaluation'. She would dig at me about my age or doing something that was a 'dad thing' or undervaluing my achievements. From no provication whatsoever. No matter what i did to try and please her, it wasn't enough. I felt I was becoming a person she wanted me to be. I was going insane. It was give, give, give and nothing coming back. So I tried to detach myself abit for my own well being.

Then came the decarding.
One night she just dumped me. No explanation, nothing. 'We have no future' that's all i got. I was devastated. There was no closure.
I had no contact with her for 8 weeks, then we met in a pub by accident and she told me that she still loves me. Let's try and patch things up. And like a mug i tried. God did i get the runaround, only to find out after few weeks at trying to 'patch things up' and make some sense of the past 2.5 years that she's now found the love of her life and it's her boss that she's worked with for 13 years. He's left his wife. She (my exN) loves him but he doesn't know it.. yeh right. She is a good liar.
She has done this cycle of partners 3 times, including me as far as know. With overlap basically forming the next relationship before ending the last one. Nice. Nice person. And then string me along so in case it doesn't work out she'll carry on with me.

Now there's no contact and there never will be. I've had a lucky escape. But at a cost. I am in my recovery mode at the moment but each day gets better.

Conclusion:
Feels entitled to do whatever they like.
Uncaring. (May show that they care but if it has no benefit to them they don't care).
Fears abandonment.
Cannot stand on their own 2 feet.
Feels superior, above everyone else including you.
Idealization. Always looking for the perfect lover or scenario.
You - the NS - will always be 2-3 steps behind. And be thankful that you are acknowledged - even just for now. Nice, nice person.
Controlling.
Lacks empathy.
Feels little or no remorse.
Not in touch with themselves.
No sense of identity.
Can't take criticism well.
Never wrong.
Avoids confrontation.
Seeks absolution in the abused partner.
Economical with the truth.
Lying and will distort the truth so they look good and they believe it to be the truth. You challenge the lies at your peril.
Secretive.
Works to there own secret agenda.
They only feel fear and rage
Fear of intimacy.
She had a particular fear of snakes... hmm perhaps she's seeing something of herself.
Will only do something that benefits themselves.

What they are looking for doesn't exist.
Therefore YOU no longer exist.
As we know they need to look inside themselves which they will never do.

Sad really. As there is no happy ending.

ON a positive note... I always look at my cup being half full, rather that half empty. I always look to gain from an experience rather that lose.

To help get over it, write down your story, post it on blogs, you will realise your not alone. Other people have similar stories etc. This is your story - and in fact treasure it. Add to it, craft it, its you now and its time you nailed this demon and put it away forever. The N has given you a gift, by stripping you away - you now have a chance to rebuild yourself into a better person. Seize that chance because believe me you can change yourself for the better. I know I have. You will feel better in time. Believe that you can be happy again. You don't need ANYONE to validate who you are. Believe in positive karma. Believe in yourself. I know I am a good person. I am valued, loved and understood by those around me.

The narcissist isn't any of these. They've denied themselves of it and it's not through choice. I think its wrong to belittle them. It might makes us feel better in the short term but in the long term it doesn't. They are tortured infantile souls that have, and will never grow up. Because quite simply they can't. In my case I think her mother is a narcissist as well. Although i didn't know her that well and i only got a bit of the devaluation at the very end. But the point is her mum is on her own and has been for years. She gets her NS through her kids and grand children i think. And to add to irony - my exN has said she will 'probably end up like her mum - alone'. How prophetic. Or should i say pathetic.

No contact whatsoever is the best solution.

Bless you all on this site because God I know you have all suffered.

The truth will set you free. But at first, it will piss you off.