The worst thing he said to you

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July 1, 2010 - 3:11pm (Reply to #124)
Lisa E. Scott
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Rainbow

Follow Betteroff's advice next time. It's brilliant: "Laugh and say, that little thing?" LMAO
July 1, 2010 - 3:15pm (Reply to #125)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

hahah yeah and then I would

hahah yeah and then I would get the Narc Rage! If I would have laughed at him I would have heard it! Also, if I would have given him names I would have been told how horrible I am! Theres no winning!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

July 1, 2010 - 3:17pm (Reply to #126)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Rainbow

You're right, there's no winning with these guys. The only option is to disconnect from them and establish No Contact.
July 1, 2010 - 3:22pm (Reply to #127)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

That is my plan now. After

That is my plan now. After he made me feel like crap today I realized that it really isnt putting myself through this over and over again. I keep going back or contacting him hoping that the outcome will be different or that I will get some sort of valadation. The issue is that once he puts on the "nice guy" act I never walk away like I should and leave him hanging. I stick around until I am devalued and then say to myself "how did this happen AGAIN!? I was supposed to walk away this time!"

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

July 1, 2010 - 2:44pm (Reply to #122)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

Scoop

I know! They really think that they are God dont they?! Some mornings he would wake me up with slapping me in the face with his "cock" and would say "suck it so that I have a good start to my day!" This is so gross and degrading! And the horrible part is that I would do it!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

July 1, 2010 - 2:22pm
better off
better off's picture

It's not relevant

The most "shocking" thing I think he said to me was in discussing his conversations with a therapist (he never liked to refer to him a therapist or counselor though, it was always "the guy he was working with" or some kind of euphemism like that)... and he was always talking about how he was trying to get his life figured out, and deal with his past stuff with his parents,and how he wanted to move forward after his disastrous marriage, etc.. I finally asked him what he had told "the guy" about us, upset because I figured he would say I was part of some midlife crisis and he should end everything with me... but no. He never told him about me. "It's not relevant." Ohhhh... I'm not RELEVANT to your life, even though I was your soulmate, and meeting me changed EVERYTHING, and gave you hope and courage and faith in yourself you'd never had before, and taught you what it meant to love after being stripped of your feelings for decades, and discover the spiritual side of yourself, and blah blah blah blah blah blah. Why would he bring that up with "the guy"?? That didn't mean anything. That was when I think I finally could really see that this relationship was never what I thought it was. The cognitive dissonance was still so overwhelming, but that was the beginning of the end.
July 1, 2010 - 2:26pm (Reply to #119)
better off
better off's picture

BTW, that doesn't hurt like

BTW, that doesn't hurt like it used to, because I came to learn/realize that his entire "therapy" was about making himself the good guy and his wife the evil crazy witch... he would NEVER have told "the guy" (that still makes me laugh) that he had been conducting his own affair, because he was the poor victim of everyone else.
July 1, 2010 - 9:40am
littlestbird
littlestbird's picture

this one is my fav!

"When will the *fact* that I love you be enough for you." *insert dramatic musical number here*
July 1, 2010 - 9:28am
littlestbird
littlestbird's picture

4 of them.

when i first showed signs of being human rather than an imaginary flawless muse: "I...I just don't know about this. You aren't the woman I fell in love with. You are going to really have to start kicking some ass at life soon or...I don't know if this is going to work." ____________ When I was upset and weepy: "Ugh, turn off the lights, stop crying and go to bed -- no, I will not hug or hold you, I can't stand to look at you like that. Why would I hug you? You are so unattractive right now." ____________ Blank lizard eyes: "I am telling you now, I can't be there for you. I won't." ____________ When I was hitting myself, because I felt so alone when he was giving me the cold shoulder/silent treatment, and treating me like an unforgiving father would a disappointing daughter... I hit myself until I was weak and tired, crawled into bed and mumbled how it hurt. He said: "I don't care. I honestly don't care that it hurts. I hope you learned your lesson."
July 1, 2010 - 2:23pm (Reply to #108)
better off
better off's picture

Yes, their backwards

Yes, their backwards reaction to your pain or tears is the reddest flag of all.
July 1, 2010 - 4:59pm (Reply to #109)
Steph
Steph's picture

"Yes, their backwards

"Yes, their backwards reaction to your pain or tears is the reddest flag of all." so true. normal men don't ignore or rage at you for crying. lesson learned and never again will I be treated like that/
July 30, 2010 - 6:54am (Reply to #116)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Glaring red flags and bill boards

Yes, the lack of empathy was so shocking that I think I went back for more just to make sure I was not mistaken. One time he hurt me badly, "by accident" and said I did not do it on purpose and kept defending himself. Not once did he show the slightest concern that I was hurt. When I fell down the stairs because he left his toys on my stairs. He went back outside to play with his remote control car and when he realized I had to go to the hospital, he did not seem to want to come in with me. My personal favorite was when I was crying one day about how I never felt loved by my father and he said come here baby and he was sitting on the couch and he put his arms around me and said, the only one I ever loved was -------. I was stunned. I felt like I was in love with the devil. I said to him, how is the fact that you were in love with another woman of any comfort to me right now? That is when I should have ended the thing. I never got over that comment. I knew deep inside he was not "into me." The meanest thing was how he made fun of my female area. That was the real clue that he was a woman hater. I never had any guy ever say anything bad about that. He was a sick puppy and I thought I could change this. You know, make him love me. The worst were the things he said to his cell mates in jail awaiting trial for assault and battery. He told them I was old, fat, saggy, and ugly. That I was only good for a free place to live and 3 square meals. He also said that he was using me the whole time and the ones he really loved were his X and a girl from work who he was cheating on me with the entire time we were together and treated her like a queen. I would not have believed all this had the guy who told me not known my name, address, and all about our sex life. He gave out all this info to these guys because he was offering to pay them for doing me in when they got out. The guy he told was so disgusted with him that he reported this to security when he got out and I was standing right there and heard my name mentioned. I was stunned beyond belief. God literally sent that man to me to tell me the truth so that if I had any lingering doubts they were put to bed. This man actually started crying when he told me because he could see how much pain I was in and he kept saying how sorry he was and how he knew he had to do the right thing and report it. Nothing came of his threats on my life but he was put on notice not to ever contact me again. Sometimes it is funny to read about how ridiulous they can be and other times I just cry that we as strong beautiful woman crave love so deeply that we put up with these miserable freaks for 5 minutes let along months and years. God grant us all the widom, strength, and self love to never have to experience and listen to this crap again. God bless, Goldie
July 4, 2010 - 2:24pm (Reply to #110)
broken23
broken23's picture

so true he would say i ran

so true he would say i ran out of empathy for your tears. when did he ever have it. it is truly mind-blowing that someone could just sit there watching you ball your eyes out or better yet tune out and watch tv.
July 4, 2010 - 2:42pm (Reply to #112)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

There can be nothing more

There can be nothing more soul destroying than for someone to watch you cry with no feeling . Mine reduced me to tears with a d&d so unexpected and so violent , he went into the other room and started laughing with his friends .... that is sick . xx
July 5, 2010 - 11:03am (Reply to #114)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Scoop

So true! "There can be nothing more soul destroying than for someone to watch you cry with no feeling." "Mine reduced me to tears with a d&d so unexpected and so violent , he went into the other room and started laughing with his friends .... that is sick." OMG! That is so sick.
July 10, 2010 - 3:15pm (Reply to #115)
Imaginary Friend
Imaginary Friend's picture

He enjoyed my tears.

I think he fed off them. He would smile and seem to savor them as a tribute to him.
July 4, 2010 - 2:53pm (Reply to #113)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Soul destruction

My ex-Psychopath would reduce me to tears in front of his fellow professors, and my classmates. He showed no feelings at all. He'd bully me to the point of tears my senior year. I've been romantically rejected-and rejected guys--without either party being reduced to tears in front of other people. All my ex-P would do is lecture, lecture, droning on and on and on and on and on, and I'd be crying. The kicker would be "You're embarrassing yourself." Absolutely no remorse. No wonder he claims he drove his maternal grandmother crazy as little boy. He claimed that when she was in Idaho, he brought radioactive rocks out of a mine and a HAZMAT team had to haul them out, and that when she was in Ohio, she grew pot seeds in the community garden. Now I wonder if HE was the one who did it, and got HER in trouble. His own flesh and blood. My ex-P was into public humiliation. When I called him out, saying "if a prospective student saw how you were treating, he'd think 'I don't want that man as a professor, he's a bully'",his response was his canned "You were inappropriate."
July 4, 2010 - 2:29pm (Reply to #111)
Steph
Steph's picture

mine flew into a rage, then

mine flew into a rage, then called the police on me.
July 1, 2010 - 8:33am
helldweller
helldweller's picture

the worst thing

It's true that the worst is what they DON'T say, especially all of the apologies they don't make. When I was crying and he said, Why are you crying? and I responded, "because you lied to me again." He said, "Oh." He always said, "Oh" to the most atrocious things.
July 1, 2010 - 9:50am (Reply to #106)
secondchance
secondchance's picture

you are so right about that

yes...all the apologies never made is the worst! mine imploded our family by getting drunk, lying about it to me, driving our son drunk, more lying then the kids having an intervention which he ignored last summer. then a few weeks later when (obviously) things weren't good again he was like "you're still mad about that?" duh, yes! get the hell out!
July 1, 2010 - 8:50am (Reply to #105)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Yes, mine would tell me to

Yes, mine would tell me to knock off the crying act. Never apologized for any of the harm he caused to me. Never not once. They are just real loosers.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

July 1, 2010 - 8:10am
betty2020
betty2020's picture

he said a lot of demeaning

he said a lot of demeaning things but it was more of what he didn't say that got me. The aloof silence really hurt me. I would have rather he just tell me the true thoughts going on in his head then to keep his little secrets and play me for the fool.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

July 1, 2010 - 9:31am (Reply to #103)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

Agreed

Same here!
June 30, 2010 - 6:06pm
imabloke
imabloke's picture

The worst thing SHE said to me

We were in Paris, one of the most romantic cities in the world. i asked her to marry me at the fountain, Plas de Concorde, i sneaked in a bottle of champagne, glasses, chocolates to celebrate, which was difficult to keep a secret, especially from her. Alright i didn't get down on one knee - sorry girls i just think that's going too far! Asked her really nicely.. and guess what, she said yes... But when she finally gave me the boot.. i mentioned this and she said 'yes that was very nice, BUT IT DIDN'T TAKE MY BREATH AWAY'. Oh and i forgot to mention she asked to MARRY ME 8 months prior while i was driving the car! My God talk about fantasy land.. Now i realise i've had a lucky escape
July 1, 2010 - 6:10pm (Reply to #100)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

In the City of Light,of all places

That takes A LOT OF NERVE!!! Your ex-N sounds like she was a nightmare, even in the paradise of Paris. Yes, you had a lucky escape. Could anyone imagine living with THAT??? She treated you terribly. I'd be tempted to send some French champagne to her, saying, "Thanks for not marrying me, for now I will be without you in paradise." She was a nasty, cruel person... be glad, to quote Michael Jackson, "She's out of my life." You deserve MUCH better.
July 1, 2010 - 6:42pm (Reply to #101)
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Champagne

Thanks for this.. you guys have made me feel so much better. I'll make sure the bottles empty Like her.
July 1, 2010 - 1:53pm (Reply to #94)
better off
better off's picture

Wow. What a B*tch. You

Wow. What a B*tch. You just proved that women really can be as bad as the men narcs. Sorry that champagne next to a Paris fountain didn't take her breath away. I guess you have to be a living breathing human being for that, instead of a soulless void with skin on. Of course what it really means, is they will say ANYTHING to be hurtful and "win" in a conversation, even if it's completely ridiculous.
July 29, 2010 - 2:41pm (Reply to #99)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

better off

a souless void with skin on... I L-O-V-E that! That's one of the best so far LOL
July 1, 2010 - 6:02pm (Reply to #95)
imabloke
imabloke's picture

I just had to reply to this..

LOL... You made me laugh. You guys are making me feel so much better. I don't ask someone to marry me every day. I when she said 'it didn't take my breath away' i thought it was my fault perhaps i didn't have the right champagne, perhaps i should have had a ring. Your right the thing is i let her win. But not now.. Now i understand, and her boss is going to get the same treatment.. in time... just give it time. Past behavior, predicts future behavior. Better off. I'm printing your comment out and putting on my fridge it's made me feel that good.
July 4, 2010 - 2:35pm (Reply to #98)
broken23
broken23's picture

oh my! the wrong

oh my! the wrong champagne...it is so funny how we were so afraid to displease them. if a girl cant be happy being proposed to in paris...her highness will never be happy. she deserves a royal flush down the toilet.
July 2, 2010 - 12:26pm (Reply to #96)
better off
better off's picture

Glad it helped. :) And

Glad it helped. :) And that's what life with her would have been like, constantly questioning yourself..."maybe it was the wrong champagne?" No, it's not the wrong champagne, it's the wrong woman. And you bet her boss is going to get poor treatment, seems kind of obvious that she is using him, is an opportunist, and is always looking for the next step up. My exN was married to his own N (or maybe BPD person, who knows?) who slept her way to the top of one of the biggest corporations in the world... and then sued them for sexual harassment. (And they're still married! Match made in hell)
July 2, 2010 - 1:10pm (Reply to #97)
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Better off... you are soooo... funny

The wrong woman... You're damn right there! LMFAO!!
July 1, 2010 - 3:32am (Reply to #92)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

imabloke

Mine said to me quite calmly and matter of a fact "you know scoop im only happy with you 30% of the time " and then proceeded to ask me what topping i want on my pizza ...having given it some thought part of the disorder is lack of empathy , they find it impossible to put themselves in youre shoes , mine seemed dilwildered that i would find this upseting he said "what are you crying for " and i said "you just said you are only happy with me 30% of the time " ... "oh" he said then took a bite of pizza .....arrrggggggg .its lar lar land im telling you .i should have rammed that pizza down his arrogent neck .
July 1, 2010 - 7:30am (Reply to #93)
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Scoop

It's just awful.. this D&D crap. I only had it for a few months off and on thinking about it.. and i kept thinking I was doing something wrong. Glad i'm out.
June 28, 2010 - 10:28pm
Miss Dior
Miss Dior's picture

One of the worst things..

Go find yourself a truckdriver, who likes to drink beer..
June 28, 2010 - 9:24pm
Happy1
Happy1's picture

My N just told me over the

My N just told me over the weekend that he doesn't like me and he will not miss me if he never sees me again. He said that he has absolutely no feelings for me and has no problem with never laying eyes on me again. I ruined our relationship with my constant jealousy he said and he will never let any woman treat him like that. He has told me many times good luck finding another guy that will want you. I'm so insecure and jealous that no man will ever want me.
July 1, 2010 - 3:40pm (Reply to #89)
ewa
ewa's picture

bla bla bla

They always blame us. They cheat on us and then they say to us that they can not be with us because we are jealous or spy on them. Assholes. And to be honest i don't know how it looks in your case, but i was not jealous, I would say i was more insecure. And I have been insecure because he gave me the reason to be this way. I have never felt like this with anybody else in my life. They can really drive us crazy!
June 28, 2010 - 10:04pm (Reply to #88)
Amy
Amy's picture

ugh!

I'm sorry you had to hear someone say that to you. You deserve so much better!
June 28, 2010 - 10:01pm (Reply to #87)
Janet
Janet's picture

I second what Broken wrote.

I second what Broken wrote. NOBODY deserves that! I am so sorry. He is a not only an N but a major JERK! You will be loved and wanted by a real man. Peace. J

Peace. J

June 28, 2010 - 9:52pm (Reply to #82)
broken23
broken23's picture

sad when i read things like

sad when i read things like this, i get angry on other women's behalf. what a piece of crap. you are a wonderful person. all of us are insecure because of them. i wish i could slap him:)
June 29, 2010 - 9:59am (Reply to #83)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Just remember

The horrible things they say to us are said out of envy. They envy us because we can feel real emotions, like love and compassion. They can't and this makes them envious of us. In order to retaliate, they put us down. It's nothing, but a projection and an attempt to make themselves feel better. At the end of the day, just remember, they are envious of us. The best revenge is a life well-lived!
July 1, 2010 - 5:02am (Reply to #84)
GIJ
GIJ's picture

Important point

Thanks for the reminder. I read these comments and cringe. My narc bent over backwards to maintain his mask, yet there was always an undercurrent with communications. I could tell he was "tolerating" me and annoyed most of the time. His anger would be misplaced or out of proportion to most situations. Feedback I received from others also indicated an envy issue. When I would receive more attention from clients, he would question others as to why. I got that "attention" because I was being real, sharing from my heart and touching people - so they responded. He on the other hand shared logic and reason and it didn't have the same impact. I need to let that sink in.
July 1, 2010 - 6:29am (Reply to #86)
Steph
Steph's picture

" I could tell he was

" I could tell he was "tolerating" me and annoyed most of the time. His anger would be misplaced or out of proportion to most situations." Exactly! I could always sense that under his "nice" surface, he might explode at any given moment. It's weird.
July 1, 2010 - 6:30am (Reply to #85)
Steph
Steph's picture

duplicate post

duplicate post
June 28, 2010 - 1:13am
kmoon
kmoon's picture

the worst thing he said to me... (part 1)

I will add to this, but just took a sleeping pill so i'm a bit woozy... This was a constant: "It's just that I seem to -- so frequently-- upset you." Sounds nice? Uh uh.. Translation: "YOU upset ME, so frequently, and I don't LIKE it." Because he never said, " How can i STOP HURTING YOU?" It was all about HIS pain, under the Fake Nice Guy Cover... To be continued.... Karin
June 27, 2010 - 6:42pm
querida
querida's picture

too many to list

I actually have made a list so that I can see where I missed red flags, grow, learn, and never miss such things again. 1) "I only married you because I didn't want you to be alone... since you don't have any friends, right?" WRONG 2) "Hey, I am just preparing you for your next husband. Then maybe you will know how to treat a man. You're welcome!" 3) That I should be paying HIM to talk to me, instead of my therapist, cuz his advice is more valuable anyway. 4) Accusing me of wanting an intimate relationship with my best friend, since I sought out her advice and support. I cnanot even describe it... it was so cruel and harsh that I had a panic attack from him words to me. and the classic... 5) "Fu*k you." This coming from the golden boy, super-Christian, bible-study-teaching man who has refused any counseling because "(I) just need to get psychological help, not (him)."
July 1, 2010 - 5:01pm (Reply to #79)
ewa
ewa's picture

I cant belive

Wow, I can not believe anybody can say actually sth like this.It is so crazy what he said. Sounds like a real psycho N. Mine used to say to me: I will not marry you before we have a kid. Because i would have to divorce you if you can not have the kid - it was a big read flag i have ignored. He also said that in his life he used to love other girls more then he loved me - and he said it during our relationship. And when i complained about sth (usually him meeting other women) he used to say: It is only about me and you, not about other people. You should look at yourself first, what you are doing wrong. But this what he said to you Querida i think is even more nasty and cruel. Hugs!
June 27, 2010 - 6:54pm (Reply to #72)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

psychological help

Classic N... You have issues, you need help,I don't have issues, I know more than all these shrinks, blah blah blah.... No buddy, I don't have the issues that you tell me I have, us real people call them FEELINGS...my only issues are trying to deal with YOU. And always an N is doing us a favor by being with us because no one else would want us. Welcome querida.

Nevergoback

June 27, 2010 - 8:05pm (Reply to #73)
querida
querida's picture

thank you

thank you, haven't written my "story" and not sure that I really can. I have been reading for about 3 months, and have learned alot, and been assured that I am not crazy - he is. I forgot, Mr. Bible study said he could leave me because I was unfaithful to him. How you ask, since I never even spoke to another man? By confiding in my best friend, I was unfaithful to him and our marriage, and he feels he had every right to leave me and tell other people I wasn't faithful to him. You know good and well that saying that makes people think I ran around on him!!!!!!!! He needs help. It will only happen again to some other starry-eyed woman.
July 1, 2010 - 2:04pm (Reply to #77)
better off
better off's picture

He needs help? No, he needs

He needs help? No, he needs Hell. And he's going to get it! Long ago, my husband and I had to decided to leave a church that we were very involved in, due to some issues with the pastor, like, um...lying! (Now I think I know what was wrong with the pastor and I think it starts with the letter "N"!) So we heard from friends that while we were being discussed by a Bible study group later, this one guy makes this big statement criticizing us, that joining a church is a commitment, and he views it as seriously as a marriage commitment, blah blah. I thought it was kind of weird at the time I heard about it, seemed strange to me coming from him, and I didn't care about his opinions of us anyway. So flash forward LESS THAN A YEAR and this SAME GUY was found having an affair, leaves his beautiful sweet wife for the other woman,(blaming this lovely person for not being a good enough wife, and really did a head game on her), tried to take all the money, tried to avoid paying her any support or child support at ALL (he was a doctor!), and even broke into her house, ASSAULTED her and took their daughter away in the night. And yet this animal would sit in church and make ridiculous over the top pious statements. They truly are everywhere. As the Bible says "you will know them by their fruit." (actions) Turned out he had a pretty rotten history too...