Goldie's Story

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#1 June 21, 2010 - 10:23am
Goldie
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Goldie's Story

When I first saw my np it was love at first sight. I have never felt this before nor do I ever want to feel it again.

He responded to my ad looking for a roommate and moved in to my home with all his worldly possessions in a bin. He had an elaborate story as to why this was the case.

I was heartsick over a previous man and my new R/M N/P volunteered his services to nurse me back to health. He quickly gained control of my car, credit cards, second cell phone ect..you know, he needed them to help me because he had nothing of his own.

I thought he was sweet and loving. I did not see the hand writing on the wall as to the living hell my life was to become. He was doing all the errands and fixing things around the house and on my car, he was an auto mechanic.

I thought he was handsome and generous almost to a fault. He hung on my every word and basically did whatever I wanted to do and anticipated my every need.

The first thing to strike me as odd was when I went back to work, and College, he had gone through everything in my house under the guise of helping to organize my things. I mean everything, pictures, documents, personal belongings ect. I shrugged it off as maybe he was just curious or trying to help me.

That was my first big mistake, in retrospect I see now, he was gaining valuable information for future manipulation and he was assessing "our" assets and determining what would be useful for him to "take for himself" in the future.

We were quickly an item and going out and having fun, so much fun that I was oblivious to his fake "mask". He said no to nothing I wanted to do. He met all my friends and attended church with me. Sexually he was loving and sweet and intimate. He looked into my eyes when we made love. He offered to help with my son and said he really wanted to be his friend. He said he never felt this way about anyone and he would never leave me or cheat on me. Honestly, I fell madly in love with this man and wanted to marry him and spend my life with him. I had never felt this way about anyone and never was married before, because I never felt I had met the right one.

Man o man was I wrong and about to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I eventually found out that he was addicted to opiates, a NPD, a sociopath, and who knows what else. Apparently he had been troubled since childhood and been seen by countless doctors, psychiatrists, and was incorrigible with his family. His mother left him when he was very young and he "used this" to explain away all of his bad behaviors and of course all his previous girlfriends had hurt him or screwed with him in a varity of ways. He would cry to me about all of this whenever he thought I might want him to leave because I was beginning to have doubts. He was a troubled man/child.

He had me convinced that I was the only one who really loved him.

Nine months later he is in jail for assaulting me, stealing thousands of dollars worth of cash and personal property, his anger nearly destroyed my house, there were over 35 holes and damage to countless other items. The man seemingly overnight turned into the demon from hell and if all of that was not enough my real wake up call was about to come. While in jail he sent me dozens of love letters, poems, handmade trinkets, and offered to tattoo my name on his chest. The letters were incredible and remorseful and I had never read anything like them, I often laughed out loud while reading them because his apparent love for me was so vast. He promised to pay me my restitution, go to rehab, and spend the rest of his life making me happy NOT!!! I was beginning to wake up at this point and only sent him one letter which did not say I wanted him back but did state that he needed drug rehab and I would not be able to communicate with him for 15 to 21 months, the term of the rehab. He agreed to all this in the letters. Imagine my surpise when the man who he shared a cell with was released in court and he started telling the security officer that there was this crazy guy in his cell who all day went on about this stupid, old, woman who he lived with and conned and he was bragging how he only got 6 months and did not have to pay me back a dime cuz he violated his probation and they removed my restitution for that and put him in jail. He boasted about how he cheated on me, never loved me just his other girlfriends, and got me to do whatever he wanted. I could go on and on about what he said and none of it was pretty. I was devastated and my mind was completely blown away apparently nothing that this man told me was true and the notion that all this bad behavior was due to drugs was completely dispelled from my mind. I cryed hysterically for a couple of days and then I got strong again after 9 months of giving my power to this man, I started looking at MY life again and I realized that My life was in complete chaos, I had literally allowed this man to almost destroy me on all levels. I am a highly intelligent woman who owns her own home and am accomplished on many levels so this has NOTHING to do with your intelligence level. I was conned, manipulated, and beat down by a very very sick man who was very good at his craft. I have been reading all the posts here and I 100% believe that ANY additional contact with this man could prove fatal. I know that sounds dramatic but I don't believe he would have stopped until I was dead or he owned all my assets. I am tempted to write and tell him what I found out so he knows I am not as naive as he suspected but that would be contact and I will not have any dealing with him again. I will do whatever it takes to make sure I don't because this is about survival now. This is about healing, recovering, and eventually being there for others who are still stuck in this living nightmare from hell. I am not over this as quickly as it sounds, I did take him back when I wanted him out, I have written dozens of long letters to him, which I do not send, to help me get out my feelings. I have received many prayers from my church, and many people have helped me with my house. The bottom line is that EVERYTHING changed after a relatively short period and I spent months trying to GET things to be the way they were in the beginning and that was NEVER going to happen, it only kept getting worse. One of the most difficult aspects of this thing for me was the fact that he seemed to have convinced the judge, PO, and others that he did very little of this and that I was exaggerating the situation and that hurt, not to be believed when you are treated like this and then feel victimized all over again. There is nothing I can do about that, these people will have to find out for themselves when he reoffends and he will. All I can say is: get out, don't look back, and run as fast as you can and take as much time as you need to heal they will not change. They cannot change, and they do not want to change no matter what they say. I don't believe there is a CURE for this soul sickness. These are the words I will remember if I ever get tempted again. I'll take the stable, less exciting, boring, honest, man over this any day of the week NOW that I know.

For additonal support, to join one of Goldie's Support Groups, or to speak with Goldie directly, http://www.lisaescott.com/blog/goldie

support@lisaescott.com

August 13, 2014 - 10:43pm
Mommabear7112
Mommabear7112's picture

I couldn't agree more!

August 14, 2014 - 8:26am (Reply to #25)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Hi Mommabear7112

November 16, 2013 - 7:26pm
laurendailys48
laurendailys48's picture

Thanks for sharing.

April 16, 2013 - 5:17pm
Allesandra
Allesandra's picture

Peter Pan

January 20, 2013 - 1:44pm
baby7
baby7's picture

He is NO Prince Charming, you got that right!!!

January 15, 2013 - 9:51am
Dakota
Dakota's picture

Thank you so much for

June 13, 2012 - 1:16pm
Lola Espiosa
Lola Espiosa's picture

God Bless You

August 28, 2012 - 1:37pm (Reply to #19)
touchingmarais
touchingmarais's picture

She's right

April 26, 2012 - 11:03pm
petite7heaven
petite7heaven's picture

Wow Glodie!

January 10, 2012 - 7:33am
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I'll take the stable, less exciting, more boring, honest, man!!!

I'll take the stable, less exciting, more boring, honest, man over this any day of the week NOW that I know. God bless, Goldie
June 23, 2010 - 8:55pm
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

Love at first sight

You wrote something very interesting: "I'll take the stable, less exciting, more boring, honest, man over this any day of the week NOW that I know." I have that kind of man in my life now. He's been my best friend for 13 years, and is very loyal and sweet and trustworthy and has ALWAYS been there for me. But yet I lack attraction for him. I guess I'm attracted to the bad boys. Your words make me seriously want to rethink this. Isn't is a shame that we're attracted to the sick ones?
June 23, 2010 - 10:13am
Steph
Steph's picture

Wow. Con artist

Wow. Con artist extraordinaire! You are obviously a very intelligent and articulate woman....and so strong for maintaing No Contact. I am so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you have a good handle on your recovery....and have come to the right place for more support. There is really strong and amazing women here. Thank you so much for sharing your story:)
December 26, 2015 - 1:59am (Reply to #13)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Con artist extraordinaire

Hi, Thanks for your kind words and insight. Yes he was a doozy and apparently he triggered my PTSD from childhood. I thought I was strong and could not understand why I was feeling so much fear and felt almost paralyzed. My son, who is 24, said, Mom this man has a hold on you that makes no sense, it must be something from your childhood because I have never seen you like this. He was right, while this man was at work, I began the process of researching all of this stuff on line to try to get to the bottom of it and I realized that I had to be shrewd cuz all the sites were saying that my type of NP was of a sociopathic nature and he would probably take me down if he could. I remember biding my time like bait on a hook for 6 weeks, waiting until he screwed up again and wam, I was done. I calmly asked him to leave and he said he would leave when he was ready. Seriously it was the worst 6 weeks of my life. I was pleasant to him and just waiting, because he would not leave and the police thought the whole thing was a big joke. I received very little support from them. Some of them were clearly NP's themselves. Then this one cop came along, a young guy, who understood this whole thing, what a gift from God this man was, and he said basically, he is done, and he treated me with respect and I will always be grateful to him. I wrote a long letter about him to the Police Chief. I am and was a stong woman, I survived a horrific childhood and had made something of myself and even though I was in this mess, deep down inside, I kept saying this man is not going to take me down, not after all I have been through. I had already done much of the work on myself, however, there was still some damage deep down inside of me which would have allowed this to happen. I basically found that friends and family were going to be of little support aside from my son, cuz they just did not "get it" they thought I should be able to just get him out. The thing they could not understand was that he would not leave no matter how many times I called the police or got retraining orders, he just kept coming back. I never once called him after he left and asked him to come back, not once. He knew I wanted him gone and he also knew he had a hold on me. He was as close to the devil as I ever want to get. Reminded me of that movie, Sleeping with the Enemy and as in that movie the only way she was going to survive was to get smart and do something about it herself. He would have conned the police just like my X did. These guys are good at what they do, this is how they make a living so to speak. Thank you for your support and I hope my story helps even one woman to get out before the damage is so severe that you don't have the energy or life to get out. God Bless, Goldie
June 23, 2010 - 4:44pm (Reply to #14)
Steph
Steph's picture

Goldie

One of the things she talks about is how women in any pathological relationship possess "super traits" ie) high levels of compassion and empathy, high levels of relationship investment etc. Explains why we get involved with these people and why we stay etc. I found that part particularly helpful because it explains that it isn't just a matter of having low self esteem....infact, many had a normal self esteem before getting involved. There are many other factors at play. We don't just "let it happen". The scary thing is that once you are in one pathological relationship, you are at such increased risk for being involved in another. We normalize the abnormal. I personally have only been involved with pathologicals. The first was physically abusive, stole from me, cheated, gambled etc, and the second was emotionally abusive and probably would have become physical. Scary. I am glad you found this site. I think you'll find it helpful and I think you will be able to greatly help others:)
June 22, 2010 - 10:12pm
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Hello sweetheart....

Welcome to the family. You are very strong and determined, I can't imagine you having problems in going NC. You do understand that if you allow him back into you life it may result in your death as you stated on your post. No, it is not an exageration!!! These men can cause a SERIOUS jeopordy in our lifes and many of us thinkg that we are being drama queens if we dare say it. It is not an exageration!!! Do not allow him back in your life. Nothing good will come from it. If you allow him to sweet talk back in the relationship, he may be successful in stealing A LOT more than he did this time around. Imagine that in the future, he messes up your credit sooo bad that it takes you years to rebuild it. My mother taught me that "it is better to be alone than in bad company." If you can, get lost. Yes, it is THAT serious!!! Do not let him find you again. Change your address, phone number, etc...ALL so that he may never be able to locate you again. You are doing the right thing in "journaling" and never allowing him to know how much he affected you; they get off on our pain. I'm not really sure you need therapy. I know you have a good grasp on what he is doing to you and the "why" so you do NOT need a therapist to confirm that which you already know. Keep posting your questions on this board and many members will advice you based on THEIR experience...we are here for you sweetheart. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT...you need to understand this. They target us and they are very good at what they do. You are not dumb or gullible...they are con artists. I am not a dumb or slow person either and yet, I too did not see it. I too let him borrow A LOT of money...we do this in the name of love and that makes us HUMAN, something they will never be able to experience. Many ((((HUGS)))) sweetheart and keep posting. You are in good company!
June 23, 2010 - 3:34pm (Reply to #2)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Con artist

Thank you so much for your support, I don't know what I would do without this site. You all are saving my life right now. I am reading, writing, and fully grasping this business about NC. I can see that's the key to ending this. I just did not do that last time. I kept trying to talk to him and that was a complete waste of time. He is writing me from jail, which will end as soon as the judge puts into effect the stay away order which will happen soon. He said there was no point bothering with it last time as he is in jail. A lot of men in the judicial system just do not get it. These guys are good, he tells them all that he loves me so much and after awhile they start to think it must be me. He tells them he loves me with all of his heart and I just am making it impossible for him. Took me awile to see this and then I started asking the DA, what is this guy saying about me and they said it's not pretty. So he says he loves but that it is me who has all these "problems". Finally when I gave my victim witness statement the judge looked and sounded shocked he had no idea that I was a "normal" highly functioning woman because he had been snowed by the defendent and his lawyer who was an old buddy of his. When I saw the judge's face, I could see that he was starting to get it. When you think about it how do they know if they never hear from us, they are only hearing one side. I am going to every hearing now to make sure that my voice get's heard otherwise I will not get protected. This next one hopefully will be the last one. Thank you again for hearing me vent and being such a trememdous support to me and others on this God sent site. God Bless, Goldie
June 23, 2010 - 7:28pm (Reply to #3)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

You go Girl!

I am convinced mine is trying to use his typical brainwashing moves to incapacitate me into ruin. He almost destroyed me as well and is still hoping to. I was sure that the only way i could ever escape was to leave the country which i am still planning on but now for different reasons. He still tries to consume me but something wonderful happened as to what I can't say but I magically became indifferent and none of what he says affects me anymore. You will get there but we all have been wounded in so many ways and so deeply. And don't let friends who don't get it make you feel worse about yourself and your inability to get over it. I don't talk to them much about this anymore, I come here where people do get it. Much strength to you. It's hard for us to not come across as looking like the 'crazy one' after all they did to us, but when you deal with the authorities, dress well and remain calm and articulate.

almostlydia

June 24, 2010 - 1:10am (Reply to #4)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

It's all about me now

Hi, I also thought of moving because he would not leave. I suggested that he stay and I would leave and he was considering the idea. I don't think he would have been happy until he had cleaned me out. I cannot sleep tonight because I started thinking about how he cheated on me and I did not find that out until recently while he's been in jail. I suspected as much. I started to feel hurt and angry and then I thought, wait a minute, at least he's in jail getting punished for his crimes. He is sitting in a jail cell conning his cell mates, and unable to enjoy this beautiful summer. He has no money and no one will send him any cuz he's burned all his bridges. I hear that it is not pretty for a NP to do jail time with no money so we know what that means and you know what? I don't care, he deserves whatever he gets. I was so sweet to him before this all happened (a real soft touch) and now it is a matter of survival. I have to save my house and my own self for a change. At least I have my freedom and relief from watching his lips move. I used to watch those lips move and all the words were like a blank buzz to my ears because I knew he was lying 95% of the time and I was learning to tune him out. This experience has changed me, I will never be the same again and maybe this is a good thing. I think I will call this period, "It's all about me." He sent me a letter telling me I was being childish and selfish for not writing him back and that it was all about me now and what happened to that sweet girl I met almost a year ago. I won't write back but all I can say is that she is gone. I have never been treated this badly by anyone in my life, even my father was not this bad and he was no picnic. Thank you for your support and allowing me to vent. I am just so burned out from this experience. The only joy I have had over these past few months is when I paint my house (I love looking at a room after it's freshly painted) and coming on here. I got some good laughs today reading those funniest things they ever did link. That was a good idea to put that one on here, I needed to laugh about this today. God Bless, Goldie
June 25, 2010 - 11:06pm (Reply to #5)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Life IS good...

After this experience, life seems to "feel" better. The things I used to take for granted now have meaning. I got closer to my family and learned to appreciate my friends. This truly was a bad experience but I feel like it made me appreciate life and that is a good thing!
December 26, 2015 - 2:10am (Reply to #6)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Introspection

Hi, I am feeling some of what you say. Just having my space back is a blessing. He consumed everything in this house. My food, body, time, ect.. I was exhausted having him around. I got a letter from jail yesterday and he has finally stopping the over the top love stuff after 44 days of: I'll never leave you, stop loving you, tattoo on my chest crap, I want to pay you your money and make this right ect.. I responded to none of this and read the letters like they were written by a stranger, which he is, and could see right through them now. Then I get the letter which says: I get it now, maybe we can be friends, you need to stop being so hateful to me, you can help me with problems I have with other girls, and I'll always have a special place in my heart and so on. I think I am getting D&D from a man in jail who I am no longer with. I am beginning to get this thing, however, I am still green to some of it and I'm like, has he really moved on, or is this a trap? Who says a month after an intense relationship, you can help me with my new girl problems? He has NO CONCEPT what this did to me, none at all. No guilt, no remorse, no sense of restitution for all he did to me and my house. This sickness is astonishing. Why would I want to offer free counseling to a man who nearly destroyed me? I get paid the big bucks for that shit buddy. I had a flash of my son's father, 22 years ago saying the very same thing to me: I thought we could be friends and I could talk with you about my problems. Back then, I said, you thought wrong buddy, cuz I have no desire to be your friend, you are not a friend to me. I was with him only a couple of months so I never got to see the true extent of his sickness. He was most likely a Np too cuz he never fathered his son and is still not in a loving relationship even though he has money and looks. What does that tell you? I may get hooked by these guys but usually when I am done I'm done. This no contact advice is the best because I am so tempted to give this jerk a piece of my mind and this site is helping so much to avoid that trap. This ridiculous letter has pink hearts all over it that say, I love you. Oh o.k. Oh dear God, help me to be strong, hopefully just one more week of this in court and I will be done. Thank you so very much for your support, I need it and you are a God send. God Bless, Goldie
June 26, 2010 - 2:13pm (Reply to #7)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Dear Goldie...

No contact includes not accepting the letters; "return to sender." I know this is going to be extremely hard to do because it is "final" for you. This will however, help you with closure. Yes he is mentally ill and for that reason, we will never understand what they need, want or why they could care less about what they did to us. This is because WE still believe that "some" of the love they professed for us was at some level true. I mean...DO THEY FEEL ANYTHING FOR US? The answer to that is NO! Not a thing. We were only supply for them, someone to stroke their ego, someone to love and honor them, someone to worship them...you get it? They used us and its over. Don't think that your XN's new revolation about "we can become friends" is off the wall. My XN to date (and we ended our relationship 3 years ago) still maintains that we are friends. We work together so I still have to interact with him. At one point, he asked me to meet ONE of his friends...SICKO! No, they don't get it. Next time you get his letter, write on it "return to sender," drop it back in your mailbox and letter carrier will deliver it right back to him...UNOPENED! You will be spared. Much love to you sweetheart and stay strong.
December 26, 2015 - 2:15am (Reply to #8)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

It's my turn

I know you are right because when I read your post I could not stop crying. That will be the final tie and emotionally, even though I am learning more and more here, I am grieving the loss of this man. Whatever he wasn't and that was much, he was a warm body in my home, heart, and soul. Even though he felt nothing I felt enough for the both of us. I know what is said here is true, I think I always knew it, I just did not want to face it because I loved him so much. I hadn't been with anyone in a long time and I fell so hard for him. I think I needed to cry over that letter as well. It hurt so much when he said that I could help him with his girlfriends, who says that to someone who is grieving the loss of their love. That is just so cold and cruel and I was in shock when I read it and tried to laugh it off but it validates once again how sick and selfish he is. I talked with his mother today because I was planning on deleting all of them on Wednesday after court. I asked her to write to him and be there for him because I am done. She left him when he was 4 and he never saw her again and she just pulled her usual shit about how this is too much for her. I am the only one who talks to her, he has not spoken to her since he was 4. I was trying to create a bridge to help them, but you know what, screw her too. She does not seem the slightest bit interested in him so there you go, she is most likely a Np herself. Previoulsy when I suggested that she come here or we go there, she ignored me about it and changed the subject. I was in denial about her as well. I am so tired of being the caregiver, I have been doing it since I was very young. I feel so spent right now, years and years of taking care of all the screwballs and they give so little in return. I don't think I ever really got it until right this second. Many people are mad at me right now because I have been saying no a lot over the past several months and they don't like it. They are use to me being the strong do good and I am tired of it. I have nothing to give right now. I care about the people on here more than anyone else right now and my son, because most of you are probably caregivers too and I want to sing that song, "It's my turn." by Diana Ross. Thank you so much for responding and letting me vent some more, I apprecate your support and encouragement. Just thought it would be fun to have a Np survivors convention, has that been talked about on here yet? NYC would be fun. God Bless, Goldie
June 27, 2010 - 4:39pm (Reply to #9)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

You are doing very well Goldie!

There is a recent thread on the board created by Happydaysahead titled "if you don't mind" where we are all posting our locations so that we can arrange a "meet." Stay tuned... We truly are care-givers and one of the reasons we are targeted. I know that a lot of us hang on to "something" of theirs; in my case, I work with him and to me...its the same as "hanging on to something." I am looking for another job and will soon have full closure, no more him. I'm looking forward to NC and never seeing or hearing from him again. I don't hate him but I don't want to be around him anymore. I wish him well and understand that he will never be able to be happy, that is their laden in life! You are doing incredibly well Goldie, I am sooo proud of you. You have taken this experience and turned it to a positive, focused on yourself and also helping other victims on this board. I noticed a lot of your postings are really good, you have a good grasp of what you are going through and how to fix it. Keep strong sweetheart and while I understand that returning his letters will be VERY HARD, I know you'll eventually get to this point. Much love sweetheart.
June 30, 2010 - 6:38am (Reply to #10)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Last Hook

Hi, Ty, you were so right about the letters. They were the last hook for him to me. I had them stopped. Hey, is there a way for us 2 chat off here. Much of this is just too personal for a public blog. God Bless, Goldie
July 3, 2010 - 12:20am (Reply to #11)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

I would love to chat off line...

I'll ask Lisa to give you my email account so that we may chat.