almostlydia's story

Almostlydia’s story

Several weeks ago I stumbled on to this site, as well as the link to Sandra Brown’s website and finally I had found the answers to all the questions that had been haunting me night and day. After tons of research that had made me the codependent, the enabler, the dysfunctional one, finally someone was acknowledging and addressing the seriousness of the affects that this ten year nightmare had had on me. I had been struggling for so long just to understand why I couldn’t let it go, why I had kept going back, why the hurt never seemed to go away, why I had ever let anyone treat me this way for so long, and, most of all, Is this bigger than me? After four long days of reading everything on both sites, now I understood. Best of all, I finally felt validated. This was more than just a ‘heartbreak’ that I should ‘get over and move on’ as everyone had repeatedly advised. The damage I felt was real and just as bad, and just as difficult to get over as I believed it was. Sadly, no one had understood - not even the friends I had relied on who knew all the dirty details. I had thought they understood but was amazed and disappointed to find in the end that they really didn’t have a clue.

In the weeks prior to finding the answers that I needed, I had begun to isolate myself from these friends and any situations that would make me feel worse about myself than I already did. Emotions were running high as my youngest child was about to graduate from high school and leave me, not only an empty nester, but an unemployed, single, 51 year old women with no idea of what I was going to do. Understandably, the friends were worn down from my ‘ inability to just leave this guy’ and because of this I had stopped talking about what was going on in my life and the friendships had become strained. Not only was I now reduced to small talk instead of what was and had been consuming my life but worse, I was completely dismayed that after all this time they really did not have a clue that this was no ordinary relationship with no ordinary solution. Instead, they were making me feel like the ‘weak woman’ I knew I had never been before all the while I was being harassed and stalked and mentally worked over by this psychopath. I was now completely alone - not sure if there was just something wrong with me or was there something here beyond the norm that had made this so impossible to finish. I had never had a problem ending relationships before. When it was over, everyone went their separate ways and got over it. But he never let up. He knew I was heartbroken and he used it in every way to make sure that I never had a chance to repair and move on. Instead of one big heartbreak and finish, I was in a constant and continuous heartbreak for more than four years. Even when I thought he couldn’t possibly hurt me anymore, he did. While he continued his secret pursuits of other relationships, he maintained his vigilant work on me. The heartbreak, the outrage, the emotional stranglehold was consuming my life and he knew it and used it just as he tries to do now. Now, however, it is not his intent to reconcile anymore but instead to incapacitate me as he did in the past to the point of financial and personal ruin. It is typical for his behavior. He would ruin me and then enjoy telling me (and everyone else) how I had been better off having him in my life. Fortunately, either due to the eventual evolution of my finally having had enough or the events that happened in January of this year, he no longer has that power over me.

My history with him is essentially the same as most of what I have read here. I have written and rewritten my story numerous times being reluctant to even think of all the details anymore. In ten years there are so many horrific details from which to choose. Truthfully, I didn’t want to open pandora’s box again because the nightmares have consumed my life long enough and I feel as if I am just now able to finally stop thinking about them. I no longer feel like I have to try to convince anyone that he is a psychopath anymore because now it is enough that I know, without any doubt. And, as hard as it is for me to imagine that all of that was not love, especially the first three years, I can accept it now. As difficult as it is to comprehend the mindset of a psychopath, I realize it was just something else for him that he portrayed as love.

Initially, I assumed he was a sex addict because he was consumed by sex and was always on the pursuit. He also had all the traits of a malignant narcissist. I began to uncover his secret life during the last four years and suspected it included men as well as women. (Typical behavior for a male sex addict) I could never really prove anything but instincts and observations left very little doubt. During the last four years, I thought the absences had grown longer and longer because of my efforts to end the relationship. In retrospect, I can see that he was just cycling me in on the rotation like he had done with all the others. I was no longer the exception. The same old people seemed to always reappear even after many years. He never let them go for long.

Our final reconciliation came in late November after a particularly long absence when I was sure I was free of him and had begun to almost feel normal again. He caught me at a vulnerable time. I had been duped into believing that it is possible for these people to change if given the right influence. And he did seem changed. But I guess I had finally reached the end of dealing with the constant suspicion and doubt well enough to keep my skepticism in tact and the ability to walk away as soon as it began. I no longer needed to prove anything beyond a shadow of doubt. He had always promised the same things and he had always wound up doing exactly the same things just with new tactics. There were many times I would swear I had actually seem him struggle against some evil force (I called Mr Hyde) until giving in to it. Because it always involved sexual liaisons, I was convinced it was an addiction. This time it didn’t matter what it was any more, I walked away a month later. A week afterwards I had connected all the dots and understood everything that had been going on for the last two years and probably longer. Suddenly everything had all made sense. He had been having a relationship with a man (twenty years younger) that had been hanging around for several years. When he thought he was about to be exposed, he had come after me to set me up as his cover. He had planned to marry me and continue his secret life except, as he said, there would be no other women anymore. This was the reason he had bugged my house earlier in the year. Thinking he was going to be exposed for this gay relationship at the time, he was desperate to get something to use against me because he knew I would find out about the two of them eventually. He continues to harass me now because he knows I know his darkest secrets and could expose all of the lies he has told his clients to cover his secret life and dispel the rumors I believe began earlier last year. It would expose him as the worst kind of liar and devastate his business and his reputation. It is true that the only emotions they feel are rage and fear. In my experience, the things they fear the worst are exposure, being alone, and getting old. I had never seen him so scared and so desperate to cover his illicit life and convince me that it was all a ridiculous lie. This was shortly after he had thought he could replace me with one of his long time regulars and achieve the same results – dispelling the rumors. I had predicted he would do this if I had connected all the dots correctly, and he did. When he realized that showing up with the OW three weeks after making such a public display out of marrying me had only made the rumors more suspicious, he came back on his knees(literally) trying to convince me of this ‘great love’ he had for me. I was the only one who could give credibility to all the lies he had told to hide his illicit relationship. I was the only one who could 'save' him. In the meantime, he had already started calling his ‘boyfriend’ again.

It’s hard for me to say whether it was the final exhaustion of dealing with the same old things again, especially given the dire situation I am in, that had finally ended his power over me, or the fact that I knew he had embraced a secret life with men, or a combination of the two. I just know that something had dramatically changed and I became indifferent. His text and his messages no longer engaged or outraged me and i no longer had any need to respond. Finally no contact became very easy. Occasionally I feel the urge to respond in the harshest, dirtiest way possible but I know that silence is the greatest revenge and the urge ends. Even the memories of all the love I had for him are vague. Every possibility for any future reconciliation has finally been removed forever and now I am working at dealing with the damage. Among a long list, I think that the worst damage I have from this is that because he fooled me for so long in the most convincing way, I may never be able to really trust another man or possibly anyone again. I am hoping that with a newly restored faith in my instincts and intuitions, possibly I can overcome this. I read that ‘fear is our greatest gift’ and know that if I had not ignored so many of my earlier instincts I possibly could have walked away long ago. Likewise, I had not maintained any boundaries. I had let him abuse them one after another because I was already under his spell. I am now working on re-establishing boundaries and have even begun to sever friendships in which I see traits similar to his. I am hypersensitive to anything that resembles his traits, especially lying. When one friend excused telling her ‘white lies’ as keeping people out of her business and off her back, I found that I no longer needed this friend anymore. It was the exact same excuse I had heard from him for years. Mostly, I just feel empty and somewhat aloof but my heart no longer aches. And I thank God for that. I have begun to seek out my oldest friends whom I trust without question and otherwise avoid anything but casual and uncommitted conversations with everyone else. I have learned the hard way not to discuss my psychopathic relationship at any length with anyone except in generalities. I am coming here instead-with those who do get it. Although I feel the need for people to be educated on this subject, I found an ignorance and lack of interest overall that I can’t understand because personally I find the subject a completely fascinating facet of human behavior that I believe is growing out there.

As I read many of the stories here, I feel for all of those who are just beginning to discover the situation they are in. I can’t say that I would have necessarily been ready to accept the reality of all the truths I have learned here in the early years of my relationship because I fought hard for this great love I had finally found. But I know that I would not have suffered so much doubt about myself, or been lead astray for so long by so much bad information or worthless hope for change if I had had the information that I have found now. I would not have stumbled around in the dark for so long and probably would have had what I needed to end this long before I had lost so much. I would not have been so confused or so bewildered and so lost as to what was happening or what I should do. I hope that the ‘newbies’ will consider that love does not continuously lie or cheat. Those are boundaries that should be kept without exception. It is as simple as that. I used to think that one big heartbreak that would end this now was far better than years of continued heartbreaks and I was exactly right because in the end that is what you will wind up with anyway. Except that you will be older, you will have lost years with your children, you will have lost contact with your friends, you will suffer endlessly. I never knew the term ‘projecting’ but I knew there was definitely something wrong with his accusing me of traits that were his and had nothing whatsoever to do with me. I used to ask him “ are you speaking for me now” as he would say exactly the things I should be saying to him. Sandra Brown says this is one of the distinctive traits of a psychopath. In my 51 years I had never experienced it from anyone I had ever known before. Do not excuse it as anything except what it is. What I have read and the radio transmissions I have listened to on this site and Sandra Brown’s website have been all the difference to me after a great deal of research that did more to confuse than enlight. It changed my life and made it possible to relieve so many haunting unknowns. I am so ready to move on now. I can’t thank these people enough for finally validating the seriousness of my situation when no one else would.

I have jokingly made the comment for the last few years that I was the portrait of Dorian Gray. While he enjoyed his illicit secret life, I was the one who wore all the consequences on my face. He used to say “why do you have that frown on your face all the time?”, but it wasn’t a frown, it was the look of someone who had suffered a tragedy that could not be hidden behind a smile. He aged me, made me a lesser person, and came very close to destroying me. I will always remember a quote I sent to one of his OW, “the best revenge is a well lived life”. That is the revenge I am looking for now.