I am just so upset and confused

45 posts / 0 new

#1 May 27 - 4PM

rainbow1

I am just so upset and confused

Hello everyone! I am new here (I just posted me story, please read it). I have been reading and reading about this illness and I STILL cant comprehend it. I never wanted to get so serious. He did! He would talk about our future. Look at houses, look at rings, talk about babies, the whole shabang! When I brought up our furture I was told not to talk about it or it would never happen. He wanted it to be a surprise so I couldnt say anything about what might happen! Then he just drops me (for the second time). I can not tell if this is the final discard or not. All of the signs are mixed! He is still texting and communicating somewhat. But it is either because he needs help with something or just to be mean. I cant tell if this is his way of pushing me out of his life or if this is his way of keeping me hanging on?

#2 Jun 8 - 4PM

grossot

rainbow

You can't tell if this is the final discard? WTF? That's your call girl. Stay and be D&D'd or leave and be free. You are in charge. http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#3 Jun 8 - 9PM (Reply to #44)

Lisa E. Scott

Rainbow

Grossot is right! Do not stay. You have to get out. You deserve so much better, but YOU have to make that choice in order to make it happen. I know it's not easy, but you can do it!

#4 Jun 6 - 4PM

Carolyn

He is not worthy of you,

He is not worthy of you, your time, or what you have to offer him. He can play emotional games with someone else but not with you, Narcissists have a genetic problem, in most cases, that affects their emotional intelligence. They are operating at the emotional level of a child. So he talks to you some days ignores you others-gets bored easily-finds another 'playmate', comes back. It is just like a childs relationships. they have no respect or loyalty have poor communications, expect to be taken back, and leave the partner totally bewildered. They can have normal creative intelligence and intellectual intelligence so that is even more confusing and crazy making. Remember you have to set the rules and put the distance in place. They do like using people so he texts you when he needs something, is bored, or wants something. Try no contact until you get a better perspective on him. What is important is your health, your future, your interests-not his. Maybe tell him that you can't respond for the next few months as you are working on a major project that will take all of your time and energy then stick to it.

#5 May 31 - 7AM

helldweller

rainbow1

I hope you're still on here. I just re-read your post about the pushing and pulling with your N, and we've all told you to run away fast. Just wanted to make sure you know that if and when you do run, he will make it YOUR fault to the point where you will FEEL that it IS your fault. The longer you stay, the more he will make you believe that YOU are the one with the problem. Don't let that happen. It's like a horror movie to live in that world. I would do anything to go back and run away from him when I first had the impulse to--that was two YEARS ago. I spent those two years crying, drinking, neglecting my children, developing high blood pressure, losing my family and friends, and--finally--he beat me up in front of my house. The next morning, he didn't even remember that the police had come. He wasn't even drunk. He just pretended it didn't happen. Just like he pretended he never said he loved me, never said he wanted to marry me or have babies with me, never wanted a home with me. Mine is now living in the house he built for my daughters and me. His office is PINK because that is the color my daughters picked out: it was going to be their bedroom. He works in his pink office and denies that we were ever going to be there together. Too bizarre and painful for words.

#6 May 31 - 11AM (Reply to #39)

rainbow1

helldweller- promise I am not to blame?

This morning before I read what you have wrote I was just thinking back and forth, "what did I do?" Yesterday he was so horrible to me and it made me forget everything that I have learned. All I was wondering was, "how did he get this way?", "what did I do so horribly wrong to make him hate me this way?", "how did he do a complete 180? and love me one day then hate me the next?" I actually picked up my phone to text him this morning saying "I will never understand what I did wrong to make you act this way" but I decided to check this forum first. Thank you for reassuring me that it is not my fault! I know that if I would have text him that I would have either heard nothing back or gotten some horrible response from him!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#7 May 31 - 2PM (Reply to #41)

Barbara (not verified)

rainbow1

YOU DID NOTHING! HE'S NOT HUMAN Pack his crap and leave it front and CHANGE THE LOCKS. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! You can put a stop to this... DO IT! ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#8 May 31 - 2PM (Reply to #40)

Healingnow

God I remember that feeling

God I remember that feeling this time last year. The hatred comes out of nowhere so it seems. Not just a mood but a need to annihilate (sp?). The only way to explain it that makes sense it to realise that there was never any real feeling there in the first place and the hatred that you experience was always there. it was just covered over with the mask....the pretend person. Even if you did love a person and then fall out of love there would be more signs, more warning, more talking about it. With these devils the D&D is part of the game and is done for effect. To help them act out their contempt. If they have found someone else then there is no holds barred cos they don't need you anymore for anything so all hell can let lose then. That is how I figure it now anyhow. Thing is it is the biggest shock ever ever ever........can't be explained unless you have experienced it. Each one is individual cos they work with your own vulnerable areas, history, needs etc....whatever pushes your buttons. It is a master plan for sure. I am told they don't figure it out as such it is something well practised over time. A fascinating play to watch but not to take part in....not as the victim anyway. So yes believe that he did an about turn..amazing now learn a lot, get some popcorn and stand back in amazement. The blaming was huge for me, I also spent months figuring out what I had done and how I could have been so awful to drive him away. Just today I came to realise that I didn't do anything. my time was up and I had served my purpose...........just used and abused I was. I had no clue I really thought he loved me and meant it and that any problems could be worked on. What gave it away for me was that when he left i said i felt so rejected. He just said...you dont understand it's not like that. He never had the guts or maybe the know how to explain to me just how it was. Never mind I figured it out for myself anyway. I now have a beautiful daughter and no need to go near another man for the rest of my life if I choose not to now.

#9 May 29 - 8PM

gullablegull (not verified)

push pull

Pursuit panic/push pull....it's all the traumatizing hypnotizing crazymaking same stuff. With all the same endings honey. If you want to tally how many times he can do it to see how many, then grab a long scorecard! It will end when you end it because you are ruined and just can NOT take further abuse, pain, humiliation, lies, deception, cheating...........or when he decides it's done...... By then, you are so much weaker and confused, and to start living again is overwhelming, physically and mentally. TRAUMA.................inevitable harm. DANGER

#10 May 29 - 6PM

helldweller

The discard goes on forever if you let it

Hi, It hurts to listen to your early, naive report. They suck. They don't care. They use you as a character in their stories because they can't actually LIVE life. A lot of the women on here deal with two and three and four timing as*holes; mine left my little daughters and me for a four year old foster child. I was just divorced. The last thing I wanted was another man. But he was too good to be true. Read it again: too good to be true. They are parasitic vampire psychopaths. They are real. They don't need help. They need to die. Do not think twice. Just stop talking; stop thinking; stop paying attention to him. He sucks.

#11 May 28 - 8AM

betty2020

is this what you want

Is this what you want in you life? This kind of disrespect and dehumanazation? Its what you have to look forward too. They do not change only get worse. In the end after they crush you into a pile of rubble they leave anyway. Only you can control your destiny. I hope you see that you are worth far more than this. The final discard should come from YOU! NO CONTACT EVER. This is the only way out to a better life with someone healthy. As barbra always says.....therapy therapy therapy........

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#12 May 28 - 1PM (Reply to #20)

azucar

No Contact is actually the final discard

Hmm I never thought about it that way, but I would agree with betty2020. Being one who was abruptly discarded as well, he contacted me afterwards for "closure" or god knows what, and I bascially told him to F-off and to not talk to me again. You have to. Otherwise they just keep coming back, looking for more of your energy and love, sometimes even under the guise of "let's be friends". If he was a healthy mature adult that deserved a moment of your time you would have had open communication throughout the relationship, especially if he was the one making all the big speeches about a future together (as mine did, family future, babies blah blah bla). Take the power back and go No Contact!!! He may be the one who decided to terminate the relationship, but you can be the one who decides to terminate his presence in your life permanently. The final discard!

#13 May 29 - 5PM (Reply to #21)

hitandrun

I agree..no contact as the final discard

Hi Rainbow, I was also discarded abruptly after getting the ring and marriage plans made. 7 days before I was supposed to move the jackass dumped me in an email and then I demanded a phone call.He was just professing his undying love the day before when he was with me in the flesh...have not seen him since. Try your best to NOT THINK YOU DID ANYTHING WRONG. Because you did not do anything wrong. You happened to end up with a disordered personality who is a very good actor and is able to profile you and hypnotize...WTF...thought that only happened on Lifetime TV?!!!! These freaks are for real...real life horror shows that suck the very best out of you. But F*CK THEM because you can resurrect yourself. You have to hold onto this. It will take time. And he will still be a creature from hell and you will have transformed to the next level in your life. Another better level WITHOUT HIM!!! Am still very much in the cognitive disonence phase after almost 3 months. Trying to understand them just messes with your mind even further. Keep the faith. We know what it is like. No contact even if they dumped you really is a way of reclaiming our power.Never thought of it that way before. I do hope not to see him in court...I think my mother will kill him!!!!

#14 May 31 - 12PM (Reply to #22)

broken23

hitandrun... what you said

hitandrun... what you said stuck with me. i also had future plans, and in the midst of it he got in chat one day and tried to break up with me. i also had to demand a phone call. i was so humiliated. what coward ends things with you over email/chat...when you are supposed to spend your life with them. at first he didnt even call and said he was at work. i literally had to threaten him to get my phone call. ive never felt so unworthy as i did that day.

#15 May 31 - 12PM (Reply to #27)

happydaysahead

Hmmm.........

Mine didn't even have the balls to text/chat/email/TALK. He just left one day while I was sleeping !!

#16 Jun 5 - 7PM (Reply to #34)

hitandrun

happydaysahead et al

That's just plain wrong...REALLY wrong. And to all you other ladies who had narc's pull a Houdini, they are COWARDS. You are the one's with incredible courage...you survived living with a creature from hell. I don't know what the deal is with me...I think my meds finally kicked in (upped the dose a week ago.) My one year anniversary of the day we met is tomorrow(it was a big deal to him.) And you know what? I think he SUCKS! The only fleeting thought of taking him back would be to mind f*ck him for a week or so, but since he doesn't have the ability to really feel, it would be a wasted effort(and probably only mess with me.) Still have a LONG way to go on my healing journey, but really feeling that he sucks and it was NOT my fault for a whole day is a major accomplishment! Hang in there : ) P.S. I also put his name in the freezer for sh*ts and giggles.

#17 Jun 5 - 8PM (Reply to #35)

neveragain5

Hitandrun

I also put his name in the freezer for sh*ts and giggles Did that too! The same night I changed my number...buh-bye!!!

#18 May 31 - 11PM (Reply to #28)

smileyfacepr

whos worse??

He cooked me breakfast b4 I went to work at 8:00 am I got home at 10:30 cause I got fired and him and all his crap was gone! Just like that no fighting, no warning, nothing but a stupid note. Didnt hear from him for 2 wks then we started seeing eachother for another 7 mnths until I couldnt take it anymore, I was anxious and sick all the time cause he didnt want to move back in blah blah blah...I told him I had NOTHING left to give I was totally drained of everything and I still didnt know anything about vampires! It still sucks almost 1 yr broken up and NC whatsoever..but Im determined to beat this shit with the help of everyone here! muahhhh...we r not alone!!!

smileyfacepr

#19 May 31 - 11PM (Reply to #29)

quietude (not verified)

smileyface

That sounds familiar! Each time mine disappeared, he left a long, stupid letter. Since he GAVE me abandonment issues, I got in the habit of checking to see if his stuff was around when I'd get home from work. The last time was really awful because my teenage son was home after school, didn't notice anything weird until I couldn't reach my N-fiance...I asked my son to go get him.... and he started looking around the house and told me his things weren't there. Boy was he pissed. I was in the car, and he had to stay on the phone with me so I wouldn't completely freak out while driving. That was fuuuuun. And yep, exN told me he was working on a project so couldn't chat if I called. Well, yes, it's hard to chat when you're racing around, packing, trying to catch a fast flight out of Dodge. About a week later, the bastard was e-mailing me about what a terrible thing he did, how sorry he was, and errr, 'can I come back?' Errrr NO sh**head, you can't this time!

#20 Jun 5 - 10PM (Reply to #31)

happydaysahead

When mine left this last

and FINAL time--he snuck out to be with OW and he has been there since. About a week after he left, he sent me an email apologizing up and down and how I don't deserve this and how he is SO unhappy with her and he had tried to leave but she won't let him. BLAH BLAH BLAH Just a bunch of useless, bullshit nonsense to me !! You (he) left me for the last time buddy !! Good Luck with your emotionless and dramatic f*cked up life !!

#21 Jun 9 - 9AM (Reply to #32)

ewa

LOL

Sometimes i can't believe house stupid they are. They just don't feel ashamed? Calling us name, cheating and then claiming that they love us? Is so pathetic. Very very mental disabled people they are!!!

#22 Jun 9 - 9AM (Reply to #33)

Barbara (not verified)

ewa

they don't feel anything THEY ARE NOT H U M A N ~~~~~~~~~ Effective Coaching Specifically for Victims of Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#23 Jun 5 - 6PM (Reply to #30)

smileyfacepr

quietude

Good for u ..u didnt take him back!!! Screw them!!! So easy for them huh???

smileyfacepr

#24 May 31 - 12PM (Reply to #23)

rainbow1

izzy23-

This happened to me too. When we got into a fight he left the house to go hang out with his family. I text him and said "Have a good day and cool off we will talk later. I love you." He sent me a text back saying "Its not going to work. Sorry. Pack your stuff" I just remember being so mad and telling him that he is not doing this over a text and we will talk when he gets home. All he kept texting me back was "Im not going to change my mind so dont beg me". I felt worthless. The day before we bought stuff for our boat and concert tickets for a concert that was 3 months out! Then the next day I mean nothing to him!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#25 May 31 - 4PM (Reply to #24)

broken23

rainbow thats pretty

rainbow thats pretty unbelievable. we also had a trip to florida. i was told i love you. hell we slept together. four days later it was like its not going to work. when i tried to get explanations he said the oddest and rudest thing...like i thought i had more money than him ( i do...sorry for working hard) and i give to much importance to my family (ok...) also he made me feel bad saying i wanted marriage and he tried but the feelings werent the same (then why did you tell me you wanted to marry me) it made no sense. he also said this time i wont come back to you...so i dont know what that was supposed to mean. all i know the real reason is there is someone else and i was no longer needed.

#26 May 31 - 4PM (Reply to #25)

MsVulcan500

Common Thread

The common thread I've seen is when they leave, it's for someone else. I knew when my N was full of it when he was crying and telling me he was moving on because he needed to concentrate on his music. He had been ignoring me for weeks, he could have just let it go. But since he had someone else, he needed to make sure I wouldn't show up somewhere unexpectedly and ruin the newer, better deal. I still feel sorry for her and what she will go through, I'm sure she's a really nice person. Like me. And the ones before me. They act like they are interested in building a future, but the future for them is the next hour. Later tonight they could be distracted by some shiny new toy they want and the current shiny new toy is forgotten. I know mine has recycled before, but his "green" plan is stopping here. There will be no recycling here. I am way too far gone for that.

#27 May 31 - 7PM (Reply to #26)

Barbara (not verified)

being alone

Pathologicals are so empty & hollow they can not be alone. Disgusting. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#28 May 27 - 7PM

quietude (not verified)

rainbow..

Welcome! You can't comprehend it~ that's a good thing believe it or not. You can't understand how an alien mind works! But you can understand the patterns and cycles of an N as they pertain to your particular circumstances. This will help you realize that #1, you are NOT crazy, #2, you are NOT alone, and #3, there is hope and help out there...and this board is a great resource. My ex did the same nasty sh**...talked up marriage, asked me to marry him, would send me pics of rings, honeymoon places, yada..yada...and then just dropped me (not the 1st time!) We are just part of their fantasy world. The only way I knew the third time was the final discard for me?? Because I decided it would be. I had to shut him out, totally..resist the urge to answer. Now, 15 months later, I am so much better off, in so much of a better place mentally, emotionally...I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not, what a huge relief! They sometimes will keep turning up like a bad penny, mine will e-mail me out of the blue every few months it seems. It's just laughable. This guy is playing with you, like a cat batting around a mouse. And it will continue as long as you keep the door open. As far as the forums go...I can tell you this is not a place where you will get softballs thrown in your direction if people see you need real help. We will tell you straight up that engaging and N is downright dangerous business. They are soul-destroying vampires. We are strangers, but we are bonded by these horrific experiences. That bond will sometimes bring on a little panic when I hear someone suffering at the hand of an N. This is why you'll get passionate responses. The brainwashing from an N is so severe, it has taken me some serious 'shakings' here to really wake up and realize what I was involved with. Keep reading, find a good therapist, it will all start coming together...

#29 May 29 - 4PM (Reply to #14)

rainbow1

Thank you

I have been talking to a therapist for the last two weeks and it is sometimes helping. The only bad part is that it is once a week and during the inbetween time my mind starts to wonder back to all the great times that we have had. I will be on here during that inbetween time to come back to reality.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#30 May 29 - 9PM (Reply to #18)

lostmysoul

Stay Strong

I can advise you that it's been 4 months for me and KICKED HIM OUT OF MY LIFE adn he has never tried to re-contact me. I think i rocked his world. As hard as it's been, i have stayed strong and there have been days when I have walked through my back door, thrown myself on the floor and cried for hours. It's not worth it. Not i have one of his 'girls' contact me, apologizing for being with him, not knowing about me. They are EVERYWHERE and i know that i just want to stop him from leaving a path of destruction but know that it's not in my power to do it. I HAVE TO MOVE ON WITH MY OWN LIFE AND SO DO YOU! Trust me. Hugs to you and strength. There is someone in the world who will love us like we need to be loved. We were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

#31 May 29 - 4PM (Reply to #15)

neveragain5

rainbow1

Hi rainbow1, It's hard to come to terms with whatthey are. It's all part of the cognitive dissonance...Do you have texts messages from him that were bad? Any emails? It helps to write down all the bad things that he did/said to you on a piece of paper. I liked to used texts because they were HIS words and proof that he said it. I started erasing all of the good texts and keeping the bad ones to remind me of how bad he was for me. This helped immensely to really drive home what an ass he was.

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