"Bipolar Life" After the Narc

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#1 May 21 - 10AM
hitandrun
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"Bipolar Life" After the Narc

When I say "bipolar life" I mean one say I seem to be hopeful and productive and the next day I am in hell.

Yesterday was a really good day...the first since he erased me(almost 3 months ago). Finally, hope that I will make it, but it will take time. Seems like the new meds might be helping.
Then...BAMMM...I woke up weepy and with the dry heaves. Canceled a lunch with a friend 'cause I just cannot deal with people today and he's running around in my brain again.
Crying, too.

Is this how it goes? One good day, one bad? I know life is like this in general, but this is absurd.

Has anyone else experienced this?

May 21 - 7PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

The ups, ultimately all ups of healing...

Yes. Very well stated. Feels like you are going bi-polar. Scary to feel good. Scary to feel bad. Life becomes filled with uncertainly during the long, incredibly long healing journey from a psychopathic relationship. For one, there is so much to process. For two, there is so much re-directing of your energy that needs to happen. For three, there is reformulating your dreams. And Four, not to mention casting N out of your life,,that takes months, months. We are hardwired by these psychopaths. They are not men, they are not guys, they are evil. The are evil.. The are not men, they are not lovers, they are not companions,,,,the front they put out there,,,,is worth 10 times that in healing. They are horrid. Difficult to process when they open doors for you (how polite) take you to dinner (how very sweet) kiss you in public places (wow) and ruin your children (WTF) It is a harsh formulae. The good of life only returns when no thought of them is present. The good days and bad days will start to gel and become more consistent,,,stick with the path,,it will get better
May 22 - 6AM (Reply to #15)
Monica
Monica's picture

Amazed...I love what you wrote...SO TRUE

"The good of life only returns when no thought of them is present." This is SO, so true. They must be completely expunged from our lives, from our very thoughts, for the good of life to return. Until then, we WILL be living bipolar-like lives. That was a great statement. Thanks.
May 22 - 12AM (Reply to #10)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Amazed

That was a very elegant address of the problem of "bipolar" feelings. It's incredible to realize just how much energy, time, emotion was lavished on the N every moment of every day and every night. Every single moment. And not one single second was happy or peaceful. Every single moment from the first one was, somehow, tinged with worry, fear, nervousness, sadness, emptiness. I noticed toward the end, when we were always fighting, that every day it was a "dance" back and forth, and that I'd always have to make sure I stopped fighting at the right time so that he would still come over at night to see me. It was so stressful, so calculated and yet so chaotic--like waiting for the roulette ball to stop and see if you won or lost at the end of the day. And there was NO TELLING if you'd be in his good graces or not. What I noticed very consciously at the end was that when I DID "win"--and knew I'd be seeing him--I started feeling depressed, trapped, horrible. I'd think, "Why am I doing this? Why is he coming here? Nothing good can come of this." He'd make me stay up till all hours waiting, and then when he was here it would just be empty, horrible, sad. We'd have disgusting, twisted "sex" on the couch with my daughters sleeping in the next room, interspersed with him rolling his eyes and mocking me--and I'd just smile and try to get it over with as soon as possible so they wouldn't walk in on us. It became just the idea of keeping him coming, because I couldn't imagine what I'd do without him. Of course not! He made my entire life about him! Replacing him in my thoughts, focus, actions is daunting. It means replacing absolutely everything every second. I have not made lunch for my daughters in a year and a half--too exhausted from having to stay up until two every night waiting for him and working three jobs to support my children, though he is a multimillionaire--but I made lunch for him every single day. I don't think he every even ate it; just kept taking it to keep me on my toes. My children, meanwhile, ate unhealthy crap from the cafeteria, or nothing at all, while he made healthy lunches for his foster child every day. I stand in the kitchen in the morning now, just looking at my daughters' lunch bags, and I think, My God. What the Hell was going on here?
May 22 - 12AM (Reply to #11)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

SO sad, Helldweller

Your story is so sad and you just said that all so beautifully. The thing that gets me the most now is how I was emotionally taken away from my kids - my mind always on the unpredictable, self-obsessed monster when it should have been on them. I feel so grateful my attention is back on them where it should be. Probably for the first time really as their dad was an N too so sucked me dry daily when they were little. Still does any chance he gets.
May 22 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

wallaby

Same thing here. The girls' dad was an N, too, and it was all about him before this guy. It's Saturday morning, and we're going to buy some flowers to pot for the front of the house. It feels so strange. EVERY THING I DID was for him. If I bought flowers, they were for HIS garden, not ours. If I made lunch it was for him, not my kids. I bought him a new grill, a fireplace for his new yard, bought clothes for him and his child when mine needed clothes. When he didn't bother to ask his brother to babysit late at night so he could visit, I'd leave my kids in bed and go two doors down to see him. I would write all of these notes my kids, and tape them to the front and back door, saying, "Don't leave the house! I will be right back! I love you! I'm sorry!" I would never tell anyone in the outside world that I did these things, but the people here know that we are not like that--we were specificallly made into people that would neglect our own kids for the Ns. They LOVE it.
May 22 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Helldweller

That's right. And it makes me so sad to think of all I did for him and not them (both N's their dad and latest one). I shudder when I think of traveling to see him and leaving them with their useless dad who made all sorts of bad choices and neglected them. You are not alone, don't get lost in guilt - and you can fix things. They love you and you may at some point talk to them and apologize for being absent while going through tough times which made it hard to be as present for them as you can be now. I've found by being a little open about it (obviously not telling them details) it is a relief toe them and has allowed us to mend. I was so stressed for along time (and was - like you - holding down full time job) that I would freak out sometimes in the night when they were sick as I knew I couldn't miss work without terrible consequences - I had no safety net and the N deal stressed me to the max. I talked with my daughter about that the other day as she said something about being afraid to wake me up in the night as she worried I would get "mad". Poor thing. I would never now - but I did get upset then - not so much mad as STRESSED - but of course that reads as "mad" to a five year old. I apologized - affirmed that her feelings were valid and asked how I could help that now - that scared feeling in the middle of the night - and promised I would not get mad at her if she woke me up. She decided she wanted to sleep in my bed for a while - that would make her feel better. SO she did - for about three weeks - every night - sweet girl. She's 9 now. Then she decided she "felt better" and went back to her bed. SHe and I really did some healing over that. They are so resilient and loving and healing is possible. My heart is with you on the kid thing ((((((hugs))))))
May 22 - 4PM (Reply to #14)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

wallaby

Thank you so much for your post. I have to say that, the silver lining to his whole nightmare is that my daughters see clearly what happened here. They aren't happy about it, but they see it and are not wasting their time cryng about it, being angry about it or devoting any good energy to it. Is it possible that the curse has been broken? I'd like to think so. I left my ex-husband for them, so that they would learn to not tolerate that kind of treatment, to not feel comfortable with it. That's why the new N totallly blind-sided me: I never, ever expected it from my knight in shining armor--the guy who was going to make up for it. My daughters see the N for what he is, and they don't have time for his crap. That's a really, really great thing. They are roller skating. He walked by with his kid and they just said, "Hi. Excuse me" and went on by. Totally unfazed. He said some dumb, fake things to them like "you look pretty today" and they just ignored him. It's a beautiful thing.
May 21 - 1PM
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hit and Run - Yes!

I totally experienced that -and still do but to a MUCH lesser degree. In the beginning it was like being bipolar -and I could not control or predict what kind of day it was going to be. I also found that little triggers like being sick (are you maybe getting sick if you are dry heaving?) could totally bring me down. Like anything that made me mildly upset (even if NOT about N) would trigger the longing feelings, the desperation, the black pit of despair. I started actively seeking out reminders of WHY IT WOULD NEVER HAVE been right or good with him- at that point I didn't have this forum but I would reach for books on N to remind myself what and who he was. I also would aim for any small victory or feel good moment (like getting laundry done or even just a shower some days) as it could then help me pull out of the nose dive a little bit. On bad days I spent A LOT of time distracting and managing myself moment to moment. It is so hard! ANd it DOES get better - hang in there - and come here like you have. YOU DONT WANT HIM -he's toxic and miserable and only a conjurer of ILLUSION and a master at making you feel bad - like you are today. That's part of the MO - they mess you up so bad and are you are left just filled with wanting them - YUCKOOOOO!!! On those days where I missed and "loved" and longed for him - I started wearing a rubberband on my wrist - and would snap it HARD when I would find my mind wandering down fantasy road - "you know, if only x then we could be together and I would be happy and near this man I desire more than anybody...". My therapist told me I had to redirect my mind/thinking patterns and snap out of it with whatever it took - so I came up with the rubberband thing. It did work - very pavlovian and simplistic - but I associated those types of thoughts with a SMACK (which metaphorically encapsulates the whole sick relationship) and soon I dreaded thinking them and I would flinch at the memory of pain on my wrist. And I had to do it HARD LOL. Mofo's. But I'd rather hurt my wrist and feel that pain than the emotional pain I was suffering through! Good luck and I DO know how you feel - and I have read other women's posts on this same topic so you are not alone.
May 21 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Going to buy rubberbands!

Wallaby, thanks for this. I will write more later, but I think this forum is really saving me right now. I was running out to buy white out...now I will get the rubberbands, too. Pavlov all the way!!!!
May 21 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

therapy

are you in therapy? remember this board is NOT a replacement for therapy ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 21 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Yes I Am...

And thank God it's not at the local mental health clinic! As you know, Barbara, many "professionals" are not really trained properly with dealing with PTSD due to Narc fallout(for lack of a better description). My doctor diagnosed me with PTSD. That is why I say this board is "saving me right now." Because people here "get it." I realize it is no substitute for therapy. When I get more flush, I can get a more qualified therapist.
May 22 - 1AM (Reply to #7)
Empathy
Empathy's picture

Its a shame no one in australia understands

can't seem to find a decent bloody cousellor here . Iam counselling myself. and using this board. Reading books. Thanks so much barbara for the book (WWLP)... im engrossed in it . I am uncovering more than i realised. I have have had stockholm syndrome, PTSD, and have managed all this time to leve him, buy him out of the house, pursue my career and look after my 2 kids. I dont know how the fuck i do it. although I am sometimes at the point of wanting to kill him. other days I am fine. The longer he stays away the better I will be. but who knows how long he will be gone.
May 22 - 2AM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Empathy

write Sandra Brown, MA and see if she knows someone in Australia or use her online counselors. again, this board is never to be used as a replacement for therapy. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 21 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

hitandrun

I totally realize that... there are alternatives, like Sandra Brown, MA's Online Once a Week Support Group don't wait too long - and have you ever called one of the better ones, and asked if they'd see you on a sliding scale? You'd be surprised... I was I am well aware how uneducated "professionals" are... if you know one who needs educating, send their email to Sandra Brown, MA at [email protected] - she can send them info about further education on pathological relationships. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 21 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Barbara

Good advice to have information emailed to her with her permission of course. Would like to check out the Online group as well. Thank you!