Imprisoned

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#1 May 15 - 1PM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Imprisoned

That's how I feel.
Almost 6 months later, and I'm feeling stuck.
I don't miss him, indeed, I just miss so badly the life I thought I had.....
Not a care in the world, just taking care of my family and living each day, yes busy, but a happy busy.
I'm angry, I'm lonely, and I'm tired of trying to pretend I'm not. I'm tired of pretending I'm strong.
Why did he choose me? How could I have fallen so head over heels in love with someone who wasn't real?
Why did he make me his wife and promise me the moon?
Was being the Madonna a good thing or a bad thing? Did it mean he felt something? Something? Anything?
We used to laugh so much! And when we worked together, we accomplished so much. He was my best friend?
And he walked away without blinking! Never looked back, and could truly care less if the boys and I live or die.....is just worried about what it might cost him....no matter that it almost cost my life!
I hear the mantra over and over...THEY ARE NOT REAL THEY ARE NOT REAL.....sometimes, it's too much for me to bear.
Why didn't he just leave us alone? I left a good life to be with him, and honestly, honestly felt, that God had brought him to me.....I know now, that God would never contradict the Word. It might be too late for my soul to know though....I have been through so much in my life, so much abuse.....but this cut is the deepest and has taken more from me, than all the rest put together.......but HE'S NOT REAL. He was real then......I had nightmares last night, he was calling my name...over and over and over......just didn't sleep at all. I wish it was all a nightmare, and I would wake up now!

Jun 7 - 9AM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

stuck

I know exactly how you feel. I feel stuck myself. When i left my N. (i walked out) he made a comment that sticks in my brain. "you are giving up the greatest guy you have ever known". ?? Really? I know deep inside me that this person created nothing but grief in my life. So why would that tiny little statement even affect me? why does it play like a broken record? Why would i second guess my own decision? Brainwashed! He did everything he could to force me out the door so he didnt have to look like the bad guy. He was done with me as his supply but didnt have the guts to end it. So he flips it to me. These people live in such a fantasy world. Nothing real, not even the clocks! this is so true and i have to tell myself this 24/7. Not real, not real, not real.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jun 6 - 2PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

What a terribly brutal

What a terribly brutal experience he gave you. He was a real wolf in sheep's clothing. You have an amazingly strong attitude about this awful treachey and betrayal. Your comment that you thought he was a gift from God and he wasn't is really wise. How someone can come into your life, and your children's life, make this type of disaster, then just move on is horrible. He picked you because his line of bologna was being bought by you. that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. He was an emotional con man who found you believed in him. One of the facets of the narcissist is that they bore easily. So he involved you, betrayed you and moved on. You are hurt but not harmed and still thinking straight. He sold you a line that would appeal to anyone and you are blaming yourself for not knowing. How could any normal person be prepared for that type of man? You were emotionally swindled but his future is zero and yours is just waiting to unfold. Take a class, find something new to do, excercise, yoga, make a new friend and wait out the mourning period. You will be wiser and maybe see the warning signs quicker. You also don't know what is in store for you. Your future starts now and it will be great.
Jun 6 - 9AM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

gullablegull

Why did he choose me? How could I have fallen so head over heels in love with someone who wasn't real? We are told they chose us because we are "GEMS", trust me you would be narcissist free right now if you didnt have wonderful, caring and giving qualities. They hate divas and they dont pick victims that are selfish and self centered. They want victims that give of themselves will nurture, love and care for them. We were all chosen because we are uniquely wonderful human beings that can love deeply. Gullablegull when its all over though and we discover what they really are I think we all ask that, why the hell did he have to choose me, I was doing just fine in my life (at least better before they came, ANYTHING is better before them) They come in our lives promise us the world, and what do we get: betrayed, lied to, cheated on, some physically beaten, then D&D for months and months off and on. Anyone that treats a "Gem" like that is mentally ill, so I ask myself why did this disordered person have to choose me why did I have to cross paths with him and be at the wrong place at the wrong time, was it fate, was it something to teach me some lesson? As much as I understand pathology I will always be stunned with some of their behavior and like Barbara said that is because we think normally and will never truly understand how they can do what they do. I cant imagine how someone who has spent 3,4,5,10-20 years with someone can just walk away without blinking, and never look back. They dont want to see the damage they left that is why they dont look back, they just want to get the hell away from the mess they created and the person they left totally ruined. Do you honestly think they are going to stick around to see if their victims are ok after they are dumped? I mean what would they say, "Gee I am really sorry baby that I was a fraud and my love for you was all faked and I just used you for the past 10 years to appear normal. But what is even further shocking to me is HOW many of them leave, if they have had it planned out they will leave at the slightest provocation giving them some lame excuse saying its not working because you bought the wrong kind of ice cream then you never see them again, and one hour later they are moving in with someone else who doesnt even have ice cream ha ha ha What kind of a mind can share a life with someone for lets say 10 years KNOWING how much he was loved, and cared for, knowing this person sacrificed 10 years of her life to his every need and whim then just walks out the door. Better yet did you read where one sociopath packed while she was taking a nap, gathered his things and it was BYE BYE, again he doesnt want to stick around for the tears and the destruction he left, because he doesnt have a logical explanation to give her only that he is sick. What a man huh? honestly felt, that God had brought him to me. I said that exact thing, in fact after my parents died I sat by their graves and said "wish you could have lived long enough to see this happen, I finally have a chance for happiness with a decent partner" Boy have I changed my thinking since that day, and it has nothing to do with the damage he did to me. Stupid sociopath picks victims that believe in prince charming and Mr Right, and I admit I was pretty naive to think Mr Right would make my life happy and complete, sociopath or no sociopath. My life can be complete with just ME vs something that wasnt even REAL. I had to discover that the hard painful way. I guess what he showed me was there is no mr right in him or anywhere in this world, but there are healthy people, good friendships, our children, and just simply doing things that add pleasure to our lives. Our lives certainly wont be fulfilled by some personality disordered masturbating perverted fraud that cant even get an erection let alone have a deep meaningful relationship of ANY kind with anyone. Why did he choose you? Because you are GREAT!!! Did God send him to us? No I think Lucifer intervened.
Jun 6 - 10AM (Reply to #56)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Cynthia

I REALLY believed God sent him to me. Now I think it was the devil! But we escaped(though it wasn't my choice). So perhaps God intervened in the end because we are not with these predators. I've said it before...our culture trains women to believe in Prince Charming...it sets us up for these disordered men. And they get trained on just how to ACT to convince us they are Prince Charming. Maddening ,really.
Jun 6 - 3AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

smileyfacepr

As I have said before: IT IS NOT AVAILABLE IN BOOKSTORES you need to order it online here: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/women-who-love-psychopaths-2nd-edition ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 6 - 1PM (Reply to #52)
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

Barbara

Oh I did not know that...I dont have a printer..can they mail it??

smileyfacepr

Jun 6 - 4PM (Reply to #53)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

smileyfacepr

did you look at that link? it comes in book form ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 7 - 7AM (Reply to #54)
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

Barbara

Ty I just ordered it..cant wait to read it..its my first time ordering anything online..lol..something new!!! hugs Barb..hope u dont leave us!!

smileyfacepr

Jun 5 - 11PM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

coward

My XN was such a coward. He never worked out problems, avoided issues and acted as if nothing was wrong. He would talk badly about his friends and roommate, yet would not do anything to get rid of them. If he'd see his xgf coming out of the grocery store, he'd hide in his car and wait til she was gone. And she supposedly cheated on him? What a worthless POS.
Jun 6 - 12AM (Reply to #50)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

enoughalready

they don't even 'avoid issues' they just ERASE them -- like they never happened -- because they don't fit in their delusional, broken brains ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 17 - 6AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

TOTAL COWARDS.........

the psycho was a total coward...as YELLOW as they come.....figuratively and finally lITERALLY :) i have nothing but contempt for cowards..... he went so far as to develop his own twisted coping technique for avoid any confrontation, or conversation about his bad deeds..... he would simply pull his nose until he fell asleep....that was the most maddening, insulting ridiculous thing i've ever seen...... it made it IMPOSSIBLE to have an ANGRY encounter with him....if he could RUN. which was his favorite evasive maneuver, he'd show me how BORING i and my pain and anger was to him by falling asleep..... even when he was dying, he was pulling THAT shit.... pretending to be asleep.....so he wouldn't have to confront his own miserable death....and when that got a little tough..he started asking for ativan, so he could stay so doped up he couldn't be confronted...... i hate him.....i hate his guts........ “I do not bring forgiveness with me, nor forgetfulness. The only ones who can forgive are dead; the living have no right to forget." - Chaim Herzog
May 17 - 8AM (Reply to #48)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cowards

I think that's why so many of them just DISAPPEAR and never tell you they're leaving, it's over... just POOF COWARDICE and heaven forbid you ever catch up with them, even years later. By then they have some story in their heads that it was ALL YOUR FAULT and will convince you it was! ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 16 - 5AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

making us homeless...

that was always the psychonarc's goal....and he achieved it......he knew that all i ever wanted was a HOME...one of my own...and once i had one...a nice one...that i got DESPITE him.....he was determined to take it away from me.....i cant tell you how many times he stood in the middle of my home and sneered and smirked and said to me......'when i'm through with you, bitch...you and those dogs will live on the streets...i'll destroy EVERYTHING...all of it'......what kind of monster DREAMS of making his family homeless???....then he would scream at me.......'this is just a simple divorce you stupid bitch..this is what happens'......yeah...if you're trying to divorce a DEMON FROM HELL this is what happens.... “I do not bring forgiveness with me, nor forgetfulness. The only ones who can forgive are dead; the living have no right to forget." - Chaim Herzog
May 15 - 10PM
NoNarcingZone
NoNarcingZone's picture

He walked away...

Because that's what COWARDS do best! He is now MORE of a poor example for his sons. In a world almost void of good (paternal) role models. I know well, that feeling of 'he could care less if we live or die'. The feeling is now mutual. We lived in Europe (Me, the N & baby. The N is military). I left the N in February - after he abandoned us (turning off our landline) in January & temporarily moved into barracks w/another soldier (male). I suspected that his 'BFF' (male soldier) is his new supply and MORE. But that's all for another post. Before enforcing NC, I reminded the N of his upcoming deployment (June) & how difficult his last deployment was in Iraq. The endless calls, texts, letters, his accusations of infidelity (NOTE: I was pregnant! WTF dude?) He took everything out on me. Talk about confusing. Best of luck in Afghanistan. Hope your mom can put down her joint & pry herself away from that effin' cat long enough to answer your calls. We, too, have walked away! Stay strong 'gullablegul'. Give him NO MORE of your energy. The bastards have pulled our strings & pushed our buttons for far too long! Eff 'em all.

-------------------------------------------
"Soldier, don't confuse your rank with MY authority!"

Jun 5 - 9PM (Reply to #45)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

NoNarcingZone

the joint bit mad me laugh!!!!

Ending the dance

May 15 - 11PM (Reply to #44)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

LOL!

Hope your mom can put down her joint & pry herself away from that effin' cat long enough to answer your calls. BEST LAUGH I'VE HAD ALL DAY!!! ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 15 - 5PM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

imprisoned.........

i know how you feel......even though he's dead...what he did to me still is still affecting me...and always will to some degree....just because they are physically gone doesn't mean that they're gone from our lives........ the way they destroy our lives then walk away whistling a tun just rubs salt in already open bleeding wounds..... i still remember the day it dawned on me what he was..and what he wasn't...how sick i felt..it was like being hit by a train...... i know what you're going through....i know how much it hurts....and i know how much more it hurts to see that nothing hurts him...... i know you write poetry...i am a huge fan of edna st. vincent millay....and here is sonnet she wrote that expresses better than i ever could the pain in seeing a dream die..... i wish i could make you feel better...but know that know how you feel.....and hurt for you and with you..... Here is a wound that never will heal, I know Being wrought not of a dearness and a death But of a love turned ashes and the breath Gone out of beauty; never again will grow The grass on that scarred acre, though I sow Young seed there yearly and the sky bequeath Its friendly weathers down, far underneath Shall be such bitterness of an old woe. That April should be shattered by a gust, That August should be leveled by a rain, I can endure, and that the lifted dust Of man should settle to the earth again; But that a dream can die, will be a thrust Between my ribs forever of hot pain.
May 15 - 9PM (Reply to #42)
gullablegull (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you NarcNarc. That is

Thank you NarcNarc. That is a beautiful poem...... and exactly how I feel........ Dead dreams.......that pretty much sums it all up. He has made a mockery of everything I am, everything I believe in, all that I cared for. He knew all I ever wanted, my life dream, was to have a safe home for my boys that no one could take away from us....roots for them. He showed me million dollar homes for years and years.....and now has left me with the fear of having no home at all. He knew that would be the most painful thing for me to face with my boys....and that is to lose them. If I do, because of him.....well, imagine the worst. I passed him on the road the other day...he was close enough to my car I could have touched him. I could almost see his horns!
May 15 - 2PM
Janet
Janet's picture

I am so sorry for the very

I am so sorry for the very real pain you are feeling. The N I thought loved me was funny too, we laughed and did fun things together. He walked away without looking back. The family life I thought was mine was ripped out from under me. His son was with us every weekend for 4 years - gone over night. Last year this time I was playing in the Moms/kids baseball game for his little league team. And it is even more unfair to the poor little boy. What a life to be treated as a pawn in the world of a psychopath. I don't really get it at all yet either. My thoughts are with you though, you are at such a painful juncture. Peace. J

Peace. J

May 15 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

Seems they r all the same!!

Mine hasnt looked back either, and thats what hurts the most. 7 yrs is along to time to love someone that now makes u feel like u never exsisted. I also felt God sent him to me because b4 him I used to lay in bed and ask God for a man w certain traits..and then 1 day there he was, exactly how I had asked for him, everything!!! So of course I thought, this is it, the man I will die with! Ha..nope..I dont know if its better we r NC, but it is very painful everyday trying to pick up the pieces of my heart and soul and to know he doesnt even think about me!! Oh well, his loss..I know I deserve better and he will always be him..which btw the best thing he does is avoid and run away from anything he doesnt want to deal with! So once again he proves thats what he does best!!! WE WILL GET OVER THIS!!!!!

smileyfacepr

May 16 - 7PM (Reply to #29)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

smilefacepr...I could've written this

Your post sounds exactly like my experience. He matched the list and I thought God had answered my prayer. I think someone else answered it,now, and it sure was not God! He played like we were going to get married( I had a ring) and the perfect fiance until I caught him in a BIG lie. Then I got erased. NC is easy because he wants nothing to do with me!
Jun 5 - 4PM (Reply to #31)
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

hitandrun and gullablegull

One of the last things I told him was he is a COWARD,COWARD,COWARD....always has been always will be....runs away from all his problems and runs and runs.. I thought he was such a MAN..I was wrong..real men hang around and work thru the good and the bad. NC is easy for me to cause he never contacts me, I refuse to contact him and he is a COWARD!!!!! hugs P.S. He left me while I was at work, I had no idea anything was going on...joke was on me..he wanted out..he got out!!!

smileyfacepr

Jun 5 - 9PM (Reply to #36)
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

Yeah !!

Cowards alright !! Mine left while I was taking a nap (horrible headache so I laid down for a bit) and he must have been pretty determined, quick and quiet cuz he came right into the bedroon where I was sleeping and cleared out his stuff. I heard nothing and did not realize it until I woke up an hour later !! Such an asshole !!
Jun 6 - 2AM (Reply to #38)
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

happydaysahead

Even if u woulda heard something u woulda prob. thought he was looking for something he needed not packing to leave. They r the biggest most heartless horrible people! I dont know how we fell so darn hard!! Im boggled..lmao

smileyfacepr

Jun 6 - 2AM (Reply to #39)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

smileyfacepr

I dont know how we fell so darn hard!! Im boggled have you read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS yet?? ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 6 - 2AM (Reply to #40)
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

Barbara

Actually I was gonna go buy it today but was a terrible storm here since yesterday so maybe I will be able to go tomorrow..I cant wait to read it..everyone has said its a terrific learning experience! But I was kind a being a lil sarcastic when I said that I was boggled because hindsight is 20/20 and I should have seen the signs!!! Ill definetly get that book!! hugs to u

smileyfacepr

Jun 5 - 10PM (Reply to #37)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Wow!

These guys just never cease to amaze me! And not in a good way, either. Mine's a coward too, that's why I know he'll never contact me. If he wants to contact me he'll have to call or see me in person, and that's just too confrontational. He has no way to feel me out in writing, unless I run into him somewhere, I don't think I'll ever hear from him again.
Jun 5 - 5PM (Reply to #32)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

COWARDS!!!

Cowards for sure. Why do they have to play it out to the very end with the marriage thing? Gave him so many outs it's ridiculous. I could've been out on the street if I didn't do some pretty fast maneuvering. He didn't give a flying f*ck what he did. Promised he would do anything I asked because he didn't want to hurt me anymore.Yeah right. Then where's my money...COWARD!!!! Definitely in the "I hate his guts" mode today. Which is much,much better than the "I miss him" mode : )
Jun 5 - 6PM (Reply to #33)
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

hitandrun

LMFAO.....WTF is up w....."I never want to hurt u" or Id never do anything to hurt u?" Definetly hate mode is better than missing mode anytime!!! hugs

smileyfacepr

Jun 6 - 1AM (Reply to #34)
broken23
broken23's picture

ahhh i got the i will never

ahhh i got the i will never hurt you but more importantly i will always be honest with you. GOSH I wish i had a narc decoder back then and knew everything was backwards...ugh they are such f'in losers. get you to trust them then crush us and then run away so they cant be confronted. sometimes i just want to go find him to confront him because he is such a coward...but then i might be in jail so i stop myself:)