BAW's Story
BAW's Story
I am now officially separated from my N - yay!
We have known each other for 16 years, been together "officially" for 12 and married for 3. The first 4 years of our relationship was an on and off again open-secret romantic relationship, which should have clued me in all those years ago, but I am going to plead the stupidity of my early 20's :)
Twelve years ago, after I had told him enough is enough, he came crying back to me that he only wanted to be with me, I was the one, etc etc. I told him then that because of his past history with girlfriends (cheated on EVERY one) I was trepidatious, and if he cheated he was done. He said he would never, so we "officially" got together.
Three years ago he finally proposed marriage, and things seemed to be going along ok until last summer when he "developed a crush, (his words)" on one of our mutual married friends who he is involved with for theater projects. After months of therapy and talking, turns out it wasn't just a crush, but a full on emotional affair that they had both been hiding from me and the OW especially lying to my face about when I confronted her about it. My N husband of course, was brutally honest about his feelings (would have sex with her if she let him, etc) and angry that I didn't understand the depth of his feelings for this other woman. After many attempts by my self and the OW's husband to have them stop seeing each other, I kicked him out.
It was amazing how even with the sadness of the loss of a 12 year relationship and the chilling horror of him running to another woman, how all of a sudden a ton of stress seemed to have disappeared overnight. My shoulders were no longer in their usual stress place around my ears. I wasn't coming home to a random game of what-mood-are-we-in-today roulette. No one was making me feel bad for coming home from 10 hour work days stressed out, or making fun of me for having fashion magazines around, or any number of other small things that I hadn't noticed over the years. Realizing all of the subtle abuse that has been going on all this time is keeping me going and I do not miss him at all!
What really hit home for me was when I was traveling for business in Las Vegas and almost fainted from heat exhaustion. My colleague offered to carry me across half the city to our hotel, and was incredibly solicitous in making me drink a ton of water until I was better. Yes, I know, this is a normal human thing to do :) I remembered then, a time when I got heat exhaustion on the way to work and my N left me on the subway platform. Left me. Light bulb moment!
So yes, I went through mind-numbing depression (mainly over the affair), and yes, I still harbor anger and resentment, but I also realize (with the help of this site!) that I am so much better off, and honestly, on the way to becoming happier than I've been in years. It's nice to be me again, and have all this free time where I just do for myself and no one is sucking my life away. Even when I have to see the idiot for legal issues and he claims to want to still be friends, etc, his games no longer work on me. What worked 12 years ago seems so childish now, and his tactics have no changed at all. I see him for the psycho that he is, and honestly? The best revenge on both him and this OW is that they will end up together and be utterly miserable. She can enjoy him :)
Welcome BAW
Thanks!