BAW's Story

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#1 May 11 - 3PM
BAW
BAW's picture

BAW's Story

I am now officially separated from my N - yay!

We have known each other for 16 years, been together "officially" for 12 and married for 3. The first 4 years of our relationship was an on and off again open-secret romantic relationship, which should have clued me in all those years ago, but I am going to plead the stupidity of my early 20's :)

Twelve years ago, after I had told him enough is enough, he came crying back to me that he only wanted to be with me, I was the one, etc etc. I told him then that because of his past history with girlfriends (cheated on EVERY one) I was trepidatious, and if he cheated he was done. He said he would never, so we "officially" got together.

Three years ago he finally proposed marriage, and things seemed to be going along ok until last summer when he "developed a crush, (his words)" on one of our mutual married friends who he is involved with for theater projects. After months of therapy and talking, turns out it wasn't just a crush, but a full on emotional affair that they had both been hiding from me and the OW especially lying to my face about when I confronted her about it. My N husband of course, was brutally honest about his feelings (would have sex with her if she let him, etc) and angry that I didn't understand the depth of his feelings for this other woman. After many attempts by my self and the OW's husband to have them stop seeing each other, I kicked him out.

It was amazing how even with the sadness of the loss of a 12 year relationship and the chilling horror of him running to another woman, how all of a sudden a ton of stress seemed to have disappeared overnight. My shoulders were no longer in their usual stress place around my ears. I wasn't coming home to a random game of what-mood-are-we-in-today roulette. No one was making me feel bad for coming home from 10 hour work days stressed out, or making fun of me for having fashion magazines around, or any number of other small things that I hadn't noticed over the years. Realizing all of the subtle abuse that has been going on all this time is keeping me going and I do not miss him at all!

What really hit home for me was when I was traveling for business in Las Vegas and almost fainted from heat exhaustion. My colleague offered to carry me across half the city to our hotel, and was incredibly solicitous in making me drink a ton of water until I was better. Yes, I know, this is a normal human thing to do :) I remembered then, a time when I got heat exhaustion on the way to work and my N left me on the subway platform. Left me. Light bulb moment!

So yes, I went through mind-numbing depression (mainly over the affair), and yes, I still harbor anger and resentment, but I also realize (with the help of this site!) that I am so much better off, and honestly, on the way to becoming happier than I've been in years. It's nice to be me again, and have all this free time where I just do for myself and no one is sucking my life away. Even when I have to see the idiot for legal issues and he claims to want to still be friends, etc, his games no longer work on me. What worked 12 years ago seems so childish now, and his tactics have no changed at all. I see him for the psycho that he is, and honestly? The best revenge on both him and this OW is that they will end up together and be utterly miserable. She can enjoy him :)

May 11 - 4PM
Barbara (not verified)
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Welcome BAW

Harboring anger and resentment towards these non-human predators is not necessary a bad thing. They certainly ask for it and it does protect you. - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. PLEASE do this BEFORE asking questions. - PLEASE read the stories of others. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do. Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. - PLEASE read through our WHOLE blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing PLEASE read the Rules prior to posting. Thanks - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going if you feel the need for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with!! BLOCK HIS EMAILS, IMs and TEXTS change your phone & cell numbers Maintain NO CONTACT! You are dead on - he and the OW deserve each other remember: YOU did nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 13 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
BAW
BAW's picture

Thanks!

Thanks Barbara! I've actually been lurking here for a few months, reading anything and everything. And luckily, through all of this trauma, I have had an incredibly strong familial and friend support group that have helped me start to reclaim my self. Every day away from the N is an eye opener into how much better life can be :D This site is also a wonderful help, and the podcasts a great comfort as well! I hope you do more!