It is not possible to 'co-parent' with a black hole.

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#1 May 6 - 5AM
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

It is not possible to 'co-parent' with a black hole.

"Co-parenting, or whatever shitty verb you want to call it, sucks. They don't listen, they do whatever benefits them and not what is in the best interest of the child, they lie, they cheat, they lie some more...it's like I can't get away from him no matter if I'm married to him or not. I'm trapped."

Whthellwasithinking summed up the whole co-parenting nightmare with an N perfectly in that paragraph which I have cut and pasted from another thread.

In simple terms this is what I feel defines the word co-parent:

1. The children's best interests are put first, and whenever it becomes apparent that this is not the case, the co-parents move to point 3. and do what it takes to get back on track.

2. Responsibilities for the physical, educational, and emotional/spriritual needs of the children are discussed and shared as evenly as possible. Extra weight is taken by one parent when another is ill or facing a life challenge etc. An agreement is made of what is a suitable financial contribution from the secondary parent to the primary one.

3. Communication and negotiation between the co-parents takes place on a regular basis and concerns the needs and wellbeing of the children only, they put their own 'stuff' aside and deal with that separately if necessary.

I have two pre-adolescent daughters and therefore my experiences are with an N father raising girls. I saw through him soon after the girls were born and kicked him out when my eldest was 2 and youngest was 10 months old. Here is my opinion of how co-parenting in my situation generally pans out:-

The mother tries to uphold all of the co-parenting points above but finds herself not only taking on all if not most of the physical and financial responsibilities but overcompensating for the lack of emotional guidance and validation the N should be giving to their children. Even when the N is playing 'super dad'- for the mother it is constant compromise, compromise and more compromise. The mother is most likely trying to recover from the emotional devastation of having been in relationship with an N and raise her children simultaneously. It is hard work and can take the mother many years to recover her strength. She learns to pick her fights with the N very carefully to save precious energy.

The N father basks when the children are younger and still adoring him but lashes out with shame and control tactics whenever the children are 'out of line' with what the N wants. The N becomes an adept 'babysitter' to his own children. The mother gets a little reprieve physically here as she continues to carry the bulk load of responsibilities, usually working full time too. She will also have this gnawing fear inside her because she knows that her daughters' approaching womanhood causes the N to become a ticking timebomb of mysogynistic hatred.

As the children start to individuate and demonstrate thoughts and choices of their own, the N becomes more shaming and controling. The N doesn't compliment his children's achievements because the N is jealous of them. The N begins to erode the confidence of his own daughters with shaming words and actions which causes the children to individually begin to question their own sense of self. The N will cause a rift between children as he attempts to divide in order to conquer.

Children turn to their mother for support, validation and guidance. The mother may spot signs in her daughters of anxiety/depression and possibly early signs of eating problems/weight loss or gain in her daughters who were previously happy and healthy in their own skins. Illnesses are common at this stage as well as absences and late arrivals at school. The toll of this burden may start to show in the mother also with the re-emergence of anxiety/depression, cptsd/ptsd symptoms, ibs, weight fluctuations, virus's and illnesses etc.

The N father becomes frightened because he knows his behaviours are starting to cause so many problems and he will have made some mistakes and knows he must cover his tracks. So he raises the bar on his 'gaslighting campaign' on the mother who uses as a scapegoat by blaming her for being overdramatic and for mollycoddling the daughters and turning them into 'pampered princesses' who cannot deal with the real world. He chucks in some normalcy for good measure - blaming it on adolescence, girls and their fathers blah blah. Simultaneiously, he continues his insidious shaming and control campaign on his daughters, wearing them down further. He employs proxies to assist him in his campaigns if necessary, these are family members - a deluded spouse or partner perhaps.

The mother is by now beyond questioning herself in the face of his accusations, she knows these are smokescreens and mirrors to divert attention and she sets firm boundaries with the N to protect her children. She does her best to limit contact with the N. She validates the children for their feelings towards their father and helps them to script some words and actions they can use when he attacks. This enrages the N even more and he ups the intensity of both his campaigns against mother and children.

Added stresses to this situation are the involvement of systems and authorities in your childrens lives - i.e. educational, psychiatric, legal or mediatory sevices. Perhaps the mother turned to the authorities in order to seek support and help but may instead find herself in situations where the children's illnesses and emotional symptoms are being observed. She may even be approached about absences etc. Child psyche advisory services may tell her that the bottom line is "He is the biological father and legally he has a right to see his children - She must face this difficult parenting problem and lead her daughters assertively in this situation". She may notice a betrayed look of deep sympathy on the face of a child psyche nurse as she parrots the information her superiors tell her she must. The mother knows instinctively that this woman as a mother herself really wants to tell her "Run as fast as you can, get yourself and your daughters away from this poison".

So there you have it - exhausting just reading about it isn't it? Co-parenting with a black hole is impossible. An N father will suck the life out of his children (especially daughters) and the mother who is attached to this process by her connection and love of her kids. This has to be ended for the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual wellbeing of both the children and the mother. It can be ended in two ways:-

1. By physically removing yourself and the children from his location. Preferably by moving close to a solid support system of understanding family members who can help with the 'load' during recovery.

2. To prove that the N is an unfit parent and fight him legally. This is basically taking on the devil and trying to win. For this there has to be an incredible amount of strength and financial resources also finding a pretty shit hot family lawyer with an understanding of NPD.

I am undecided what to do right now and I have to say removing ourselves seems the easiest option even though I would be leaving behind a safe community, our home, my business and long term friendships. Small prices to pay for our health and sanity!