pantsonfire's story

Hi Susan, I'm new to this forum but no stranger to the fallout having been in a 20 year relationship/marriage w/ a pathological man, i.e., co-morbid DX / Narcissism, Passive-Aggression, perhaps even histrionic. In hindsight, it rings so clear -back to day one when I met him. The clinical DX of N's stating it's a deep-seeded insecurity rooted in the first 5 - 7 years of life, meaning it's also hardwired, stunting emotional growth can, in my opinion, cause mannerisms and intelligence to be that of arrested development as well. I was blown away when I read about the "Parental Seeker" in Sandra Brown's book How to Spot a Dangerous Man, before getting involved. In their survival mode, as we all have survival mechanisms, they are trainable & learn how to cover shortcomings when they can. Body language can clue us into alot. I had no idea, rather, I worked w/ my wasband on his clumsy, sometimes offensive, bouncing boyish body language. Especially when he was to go before an interview panel for a promotion. I used to tell him you can't lay down in your chair! Had to use a video for him to see for himself cuz he didn't believe me.

I am legally separating an officer w/ a metropolitan fire department who is so adept at surrounding himself w/ people who carry his load. He transferred to a busy station stating the crew there knew was so efficient, all he had to do was stand around with a clipboard. I ended up writing eight annual evaluations because he jammed himself up against the deadline by "playing" court sports at work instead of handling administrative duties. This was a year after I had brain surgery which pales in comparison to what I'm now facing in the aftermath of it all. Feels like an atrocity. During a 9-11 anniversary date I asked if the Department did anything to commemorate it and he said, "oh that's ancient history to me" and went on to criticize the Master of Ceremonies. Of course when 9-11 went down, his babble was to the tune of "it brings a tear to my eye" w/ underpinnings of bravado beneath the guise of heroism. Arghhhh, I could just puke. Trying not to rant here, but it's all bubbling to the top as I sort thru medical records for a disability atty - something my family law atty recommended. Once I'd made a list of all things I felt so bad/guilty about wondering how God might ever forgive me. I was emotional and distraught after the brain surgery. The hospital was like a warzone and going home felt like hostile territory. When sharing my guilt list w/ my 'wasband' wondering about forgiveness, he said, "God forgave Hitler" as the traipsed out the room. Zero empathy.

After countless creative attempts to intimately engage this self-soothing (masterbation) man - unbeknownst to me- , because he counter-phobically lied indicating that now that he's "an officer" - he's not allowing any pornography in the firehouse. So noble and so out of the blue. He went on to say he never liked porn; thought it was debasing of woman. Once when trying to keep it spicy I thought some scantily clad snapshots would be fun - nothing graphic - he freaked out & couldn't snap a picture. I thought "whoa, I must look pretty bad behind the lens." His reaction really got to me so one day when he was at work I figured out the self-timer on the camera and wanted to see what 'feelin sexy' might look like on me. Not bad, I thought - so I took a few photos & gave them to him trying to assuage whatever the hell happened. That went on for a short while in hopes of a positive effect concerning intimacy, foreplay, etc. Fast forward: There was nothing I could do to engage this clumsy boy, but, diehard that I am, while separated (1st separation) I decided to have old implants improved as the weight loss from the brain surgery and subsequent surgeries had me down to 105 lbs. I ended up ferociously violated by the sociopathic surgeon (malpractice - who gave me mammoth implants when I clearly stated, in writing, what size I wanted- I have a bad back). Fast forward again: My wasband & I had a horrible argument where I was living and he disappeared. I got worried, drove to our house & there was a very eery feeling - a kind of empty squalor. I looked at the history on his computer to see if he might have been considering a movie or other venue. Much to my ignorant surprise the volume of porn that revealed itself floored me. Worse yet - titles like "Mommy's got Tits." I was mortified. I didn't look like a boy - rather, I lean towards feminine. He had told me it was the way he heard me talk to my young children (from previous relationships) that really impressed him. He said he saw I was a "good mom" - just what he was looking for! Barf. Kind of a circuitous route, this reply. Twenty years = many complications.
These guys are thwarted in every possible way.