ACgirl's story

ACgirl, Glad you found this website because you will find much support here. I find that although my friends and family are loving and supportive, since they have not had a relationship with a pathological like a Narcissist or Psychopath...they have a limited understanding of your experience and feelings...which is particular and different in this situation. Most of the gals & a few fellas here are able to support each other as we have very similar stories to tell. That's because pathologicals have certain common traits and behaviors which identifies them as to 'what' and 'who' they really are. I know that being NC is the very best way to deal with these psychos. It is difficult, but eventually when you are able to do it, hopefully you will feel much better and begin to see things more clearly. There was someting in one of your posts that concerned me, about when you mentioned that last year you tried to do the NC thing and he became verbally abusive...In my experience, I had been NC for a period of 3 months...and was feeling enormously bettter, happier...regaining my insight and self respect/dignity...I shut out all his emails, phone calls, any type of correspondence... ...and sometimes an 'N' will go away after this...because they get no more supply (which is what they are looking for, whether positive or negative)...but sometimes a pathological like mine becomes very angry...and will become abusive, stalk you, rage, leave nasty messages...and cause you to feel threatened. (like mine did to me, as he has a history of violence...and is MORE that just an 'N'). Perhaps you should check out your pathological guy's history and that way when you go NC you will be more aware and prepared for this type of behavior and protect yourself. After alot of intimidation, harrassment and scaring me (my BF was SO angry that I could leave him and not communicate with him at all)...none of his tactics like this worked with me...I was in touch with the police (he has a record I didn't know about and his family played a part in concealing this fact from me and others) It actually made it easier to remain NC when he was angry as I didn't want to be anywhere near him...and he was no longer the 'Prince Charming' he had pretended to be at the beginning of our relationship. Also, be prepared for when he puts his 'mask' back on and pretends to be the 'great guy' you fell for in the beginning. I personally have had the hardest time, when he would 'pour on the Charm' and do the 'hoover & honeymoon' type of manipulations. He used this later when his intimidation and anger/abuse got him nowhere! I was vulnerable...and I regret that I am at sqaure one and now have to carefully plan my escape and going NC again....by moving far away from him. Sometimes these guys have a fixation in their minds that YOU are their 'property'...even when they lie and cheat all over the place...in their weird way of thinking 'you belong' to them...so I just hope you will be careful in case yours is like that. My Psychopath 'N' BF has a history of violence and arrests that he was able to hide from me for most of our relationship (among other things)...he appears to be such a classy professional 'great guy'...(his brother is a Reporter for the Local News here in the province where I live and his family seems so nice)...you never know with these guys. Just wanted you to be aware that if yours tends to lean towards using intimidation as a manipulative tactic, when you go NC, you might need to take more protective measures...change your numbers, inform your friends and family he is being verbally 'nasty' and is angry, and perhaps even file harassment charges or get a restraining order. Sometimes it takes some preparation to be ready for NO CONTACT with some of these guys who are especially persisitant and determined not to let you go. In my case I have found that not all of them readily or easily leave you alone...mine lied, cheated and has women lined up all over the place...and STILL told me that if I ever leave him again he would 'hunt me down'...and that I 'better not ever insult him like that again' by leaving and refusing to communicate with him. After being a witness to his rages and moments of violence...he does scare me...which is why I have been making my plans to leave and be NC much more carefully this time.

The absolute hardest thing to accept is that they will never change. The problem is they say all the right things, they tell you how sorry they are, they were so wrong, they love you so much, they would die without you, they miss you so much, etc. - but their actions speak louder than words. They do the minimal amount to "maintain" the relationship. Once they are out of the idealizing stage, they get really lazy. They don't want to have to deal with your frustrations about them and the relationship - they want to maintain the status quo but with as little attention as is required. If you believe him and give him another chance, your just taking another spin on the merry-go-round. It never stops. Everyone eventually gets to the point where they realize the person is pathological and cannot change. Why waste any more of your precious life waiting for something that will NEVER happen. They don't change - they can't. Don't worry if he moves on - the next one will get the same thing. You didn't lose a relationship - you lost part of yourself and it's time to start working on getting that back - and it will not happen if you continue to go down a dead end.

Welcome... get into therapy with a TRAUMA COUNSELOR asap! - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - PLEASE read the stories of others on SHARE YOUR STORY. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do! Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. It will also help you see the pattern of their INCURABLE PATHOLOGY. Your story is very very common. - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing Please read all the Rules prior to posting, as well - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD she's left you with!! BLOCK HER EMAILS, IMs and TEXTS change your phone & cell numbers NO CONTACT! AGAIN -- Get to a PTSD/ trauma counselor ASAP... Healing takes a MINIMUM of 18 months (with TOTAL NC) and you will need support & help from a professional. Please get it ASAP. Do not date before 18 months has passed! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

Hi ACgirl!! Don't take him back under any circumstances. He will see this as weakness and will give you a double dose of his sickness. They are vindictive. He will retaliate, because you abandoned him. DO NOT BACK DOWN. He won't change. He sees you as the problem....not himself. N's see themselves as God Almighty! They have no faults or flaws. If you take him back, you will never hear the end of it...how you made his life difficult. Everything they say is backward. Do yourself a favor...Move on. He's not worth it. You can do much better. They are ALL great actors. Be Strong, Sean

Do not write, text or anything else. INSTITUTE IMMEDIATE NO CONTACT: http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/12/22/what-no-contact-means when you get a chance be sure to post your whole story!

Your best solution is to institute No Contact. This means delete his texts, emails and erase all phone messages. Don't answer...IGNORE. This will be the loudest silence he hears. Do this for yourself. It's the best revenge you can do....without having to see him or talk to him. They get off on aggravating and demeaning us. Don't get sucked in. Disappear off his radar. It will drive him nuts wondering what happened to you. You will begin to heal, and NO CONTACT or NC as we call it here, will empower you and YOU will be taking control. You will find that your thoughts will focus on you and not him. You need this alone time to get your strength back! Wishing you the best, Sean