who am i..??.....

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Mar 12 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
notadoormat
notadoormat's picture

I agree. I spent so many

I agree. I spent so many years suffering the criticism and ridicule and believing what he was projecting on me to be my fault, that I myself, became very cynical and sarcastic. I had a very negative outlook on the world around me. Once I got away from him, I found I was a better mother, friend and person. I was slowly getting back to the "softness" that used to be me. It is nice to have someone in your life to draw attention to the things that are different about you now. That will help you morph back into the person you once were.
Mar 12 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

but that's the thing........

-----there's nothing to morph back into, it seems..i held my ground with the psycho..i fought back tooth and nail..i wouldn't let him make me his patsy..i KNEW who and what i was..until the day he murdered my dog BEN...he killed me that day..in a way i can't even articulate...with me too, it's like my soul has left my body...and there is no 'me' anymore...i'd pretty much gotten used to it...then my sweet old friend came along and reminded me that i'm dead..it's not his fault...i love my old friend...always have... but when he says things like..'remember when we used to go down to river at night and watch the lights'...i 'remember' it sort like someone who has heard a story enough times remembers an event they were never really part of..hard to explain... this guy is the one person in the world i know would never mean me harm..and sometimes i just want to go there..but i think if someone even touched me i would turn to dust... instead of being a lost soul looking for it's body..i'm a lost body...who cannot find it's soul... My blog
Mar 12 - 10PM (Reply to #15)
rache
rache's picture

WE have spent

so much of our lives fighting for survival Narcnarc,that,i do not think we ever had the chance to even ~KNOW~who we were to start with.............(sighs)
Mar 12 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Who is a winner here,,,

Narcnarc,,who is a winner, caring, loving, gentle, compasionate person, you or the psycho N that I can't even believe the stories I hear about.... YOU are the winner person here. On that horrible day, you broke free. You realized, for once and for all, that the N had hit rock bottom. Room for no further discussion. He was to be out of your life. Ben was not to be out of your life,,LOVE was not to be out of your life,,,the loser,,the sociopath was and needed to be out of your life. That day was life restoring itself to you. Cut him clean,,in your mind, in your soul,,oh I know the feeling of being soulles..,,,the feeling of a shell,,i believe this is what the sociopath feels like all the time,,it is our absorbing of them that creates this likeness or symbiotic feeling from them,,, You have to and must be proactive towards your life to restore it, rebuild it. Leave everything if you have to. I do now know your particular situation. Step into the unknown. It has infinite posibilities. You are an articuate, smart, caring, loving, competent and important person. Go somewhere out of where you are, if you need support, research papers in an area where you could go. There are options of room and board for those who will help in social services. You don't have to make it your livlihood, think about your livlihood. You have your party of friends,,your good guys pups there,,let the offer be known that they need to accompany you in your journey. If you cant or don't want to do it, then mitigate the influence the N has in your life. Call other states. Tell them your predicament, what has happened, how does their system deal with it. How can you bring that support inside your own town. I wish I had a better answer.
Mar 12 - 11PM (Reply to #5)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

that beautiful girl

Is you. Narcnarc. You are still that girl. I know how you're feeling...wistful, lonely, like you're invisible maybe or so weighed down because you feel so complicated. I know that broken feeling. But for me...I do it when I'm feeling sorry for myself, romanticizing my state of heart. As if I'm outside of me, looking as messed up me, grieving for me. Wanting someone to see me. I don't stay there for long. I can't. That girl you're talking about is still you. You still are your same you, you have the same soul. Yes, life is going to change our views to a degree, will definitely change our circumstances, but nothing can steal your soul unless you let it. If you really want to "get back in touch" with that girl you thought you were (and still are)...think about the things that made you feel free then. Talk to your friend and just talk...without sad stories or woes. You can be whomever you want to be. That's the beauty of the human mind. No one can touch it in the most sacred places. You are in control of your thoughts and your mindset more so than you choose to believe. Try it...try waking up tomorrow morning and telling yourself that you are going to have a day that makes you feel serene and free and fun. Please? Maybe I'm all wrong but will you indulge me? (YOU? LOL) Just try it for one day and if I'm all wrong you can tell me that I'm a dreamer and I'm crazy. And hey...I'm not trying to make light of your hurt or your PTSD, I just know you are a beautiful soul...and noone and nothing has "stolen" you. It's too precious, you are. So, try it. Wear something that makes you feel feminine. Whimsical. Do things differently. A bit. If you usually get up and grab a quick shower and a muffin, take a long bath and go for a walk right after. Stop and look at plants and the sky. Take it in. Wear a little makeup maybe and your favorite necklace from when you were a kid. Something different, something that makes you feel new. Fresh. Put on some jazz, or whatever your favorite music is...or hell, maybe even something you'd normally never listen to...like reggae...and really feel it. Change your surroundings a bit, don't let your mind hang on negativity all day. Maybe it would do you good to stay away from this forum for a day even. It's an awesome support group but no one should be on here for hours every day, it's just not healthy. I feel your pain, sweethearted beautiful girl, I do. But no one gets to take you from you. Do you hear me? You are strong as hell and you don't have to cry for the death of your heart. You should feed it and love it and treat yourself as precious. Be a little girl for a day. Look at things differently for just one day, try it. Really look. At organic things. The earth, the sky, water when you're washing your hands. Let yourself start to feel again. Life is all about perspective and balance, in my opinion. I empathize so much with your pain, I know the feeling you describe completely. Let yourself feel it...it's part of you. All of these facets are. Try to think of you that way, you have more facets now but you are not "lost", never to return. No way Jose. You get to decide that. Only you. You can seize it and change it. Choose not to sit in it. You are tougher than you know. Own it. You take can take pain and use it for strength. I see it in so many women here, it's awesome. Wake up tomorrow and channel that strong feminine spirit. Do it. She's already with you. Your friend doesn't think she's gone either I bet. ;)
Mar 13 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
peacewarrior
peacewarrior's picture

No life to go back to

I still do not go to Church for church stolen from me all for the n/P took with it a majority of acquaintances, a big community, friends, families I and my children had invested in and maintained relationships. When these psychos say "you'll have nothing, NO ONE, YOU'LL NEVER HAVE ANY FAMILY AGAIN!" it's the one time they make good on their promise. When in individual situations one's physical health is also destroyed due to prolonged duress, insane situation out of one's control, no way out people can't relate to the physical debilitation of a body so depleted it can't wash dishes and do laundry. I was berated, abused for what I did to restore my physical health and use savings I was fortuneate to have to repair, recover and restore my health. These P's destroy our support systems. Mine threatened to destroy the careers of a prominent dentist, family practice doc and Rheumatologist, the psychiatrist..subpoening the they "lie to get all the money..engage in pathalogical lies with an insane woman". Who'd have imagined to get mono would put one's life in jeopardy you'd be destroyed and a doc too in harms way? People don't expect a car with a transmission that fell out, no gas, no exhaust pipe, no oil to go on a road trip. Sometimes I reflected that if a stranger, some nut case had held me or a person in my shoes hosstage and done this it would be big news and support come out of the woodwork. How does one regroup, recover from intuition someone conning people they adding shit to the radiator so it blows up LOVE you is doing this shit to push you to kill yourself because he won't stop..stabbing your tire..terrorizing you someone else is preying on you..setting you up you are the batterer so he can beat you into submission lying you are psychotic? Sometimes it was all I could do to not take the easy way out, to give up, lay down and die. There are days I could just get through a day..live through another day with relief when night fell. The first time I felt any safety again was when he died. We, I need to remember to have realistic expectations of self day to day. There is no "snapping out of it, it's over!"no magic "happy pills (why the hell do people think pills morph someone completely??)I can't have someone understand the profund abuse that went on to control..wield, bully, batter me verbally just to change a furnace filter nor the ptsd going to do something so small..reliving insane abuse for cheap small maintenance item..opportuity to bully me..push me around with words..pyscho insane power over a little filter. Later the abuse humiliating to people I did not maintance..I abused him..etc. etc. It's remarkable progress to not freeze and process nightmeres of the past...and comprehnd how sick, cruel it was and how pervasive. If a stranger raped me when I went to the grocery store then people would be kind and compassionate. If your spouse did..yo are a crazy person to be aversive to go to the grocery store. I had aversion to go to any doctor again..had trauma terros...terrifed after what someone could arrange and con people to do..for going to the doctor. Today I shall do what I can and have gratitude for whatever I am capable of doing.
Mar 13 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Amen, peacewarrior

"if a stranger raped me when I went to the grocery store then people would be kind and compassionate. If your spouse did..you are a crazy person to be aversive to go to the grocery store." i know EXACTLY what you mean. my own neighbors have said that if the psychopath had tried to murder them in their driveway, that he would have been locked up and the key thrown away..and it's TRUE. f that bastard had robbed, pillaged, plundered, beaten, kidnapped, menaced, tortured and extorted a STRANGER he'd picked up on the street.he'd have been CNN HEADLINE NEWS. but because he was married to me -it's like it wasn't a marriage license but like he BOUGHT me and could abuse me with wild abandon..and without consquences. and yes, dear Peacewarrior like you the promise that he would destroy me was the only promise the psychonarc ever kept or intended to keep. God bless you and keep you safe from the Monsters who walk among us.
Mar 13 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you for opening my eyes

No one should have to suffer as you, Narcnarc, Barbara and others have. What is killing me is the total denial and lack of support/understanding in our society for this situation. You are right - if you were taken by a stranger and this all happened everyone would be horrified. Instead no one believes the terrible truth. Being in a prison camp would be easier in many ways. At least the roles are apparent to all. I am deeply pained and moved by your stories. Mine is nothing in comparison - there but for the grace of God go I - and it does make me want to help in whatever ways I can. I've never been "in conversation" with women who have endured so much. Truly. It is an important experience for me - an awakening - and makes me want to be involved in some way. Maybe through advocacy or something. I don't know. Thanks for being so clear and honest - simply through that - you make a difference to so many here.
Mar 14 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

sense of self

I don't know you, I'm aware, but I'm seriously worried about you, narc narc. How long has it been since you've taken a break from this forum?
Mar 15 - 2AM (Reply to #13)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

venuslovedpluto

-----frankly, i fail to see the oonnection between my PTSD, and the aftermath of of years of torture and torment at the hands of psychopath and the time i spend on this board! are you suggesting that my fellow victims of Narcissists and Psychopaths is what is 'bringing me down', as opposed to the PERP and my situation? Narcissists and Psychopaths are often called 'soul suckers'. there's a reason for that. they suck souls. my financial, emotional, and physical devestation at the hands of a psychopath and that of many other victims, can most certainly not be CURED with a 'break from this forum', or by a MUFFIN, and i think it is ludicrous for you to even suggest that.
Mar 14 - 11PM (Reply to #9)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

I don't take pain and PTSD

I don't take pain and PTSD lightly but we have more power over our thoughts and mental state than we choose to believe. No, there is no happy pill. Unless you're an addict zombie. I know this kind of pain and trauma is hard core. But there is power in positive thinking. You can choose to wake up and change your routine slightly, take a one-day break from thinking about assholes. Try it? =(
Mar 14 - 11PM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

venuslovedpluto

that's not how Complex PTSD works. taking a break from this forum alone is not the answer here. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 14 - 11PM (Reply to #12)
rache
rache's picture

Valium,ambien,benedrl

is my escape from PTSD.
Mar 14 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

####

~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims