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'thank you'

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#1 Mar 7 - 7AM
on the mend
on the mend's picture

'thank you'

I can't thank you all enough, that this forum is here. The N in my life is still playing games, but I'm ignoring him. But I have to tell you, if I did not know what I am learning here? I might have been inclined to go back, or to think I was the crazy one, or maybe even needed him ... as he tries so hard to convince me that I do.

It's a horrible world they drag us into. I found myself behaving in ways I never thought possible of me. Especially the anger. There were times I found myself SCREAMING in anger at him at the phone, while he would be arguing back. I never knew such insanity. I'm one of those 'peace loving' kinds of persons, but I turned nearly into an animal with this guy. It scared me what I saw happening to ME.

And my morals? And my beliefs? He worked so hard to change all that. Praise God, I got away before he did ... but the doubts he placed in my mind I'm still working to 'rub out' with truth once again.

These persons are crazy, dangerous, persons. Yes, he told me I was 'beautiful' ... that I was 'the one' ... all of that rubbish. Reading here, I see how similar our stories are, and I am amazed. It just shows me how much of a disorder NPD really is. These madmen behave so much the same ... think so much the same ... which is majorly warped.

I really fell in love hard with the 'pretend guy'. I hadn't been with a man in many, many years until I met this one, and then he proves to be very sick. Those feelings of love kept me going back, but the more I read here ... and see his behavior ... the more 'pretend guy' goes away, and so do those feeling of love for him.

I am finding here the knowledge and support I need to be strong enough to stay away. I thank God for this place.

I've been around here now for about 2 weeks ...
and each day, I feel the mind fog lift alittle more ...
each day, I feel alittle more of my sanity to return ...
each day, I feel alittle more hopeful about my life.

... I just had to take a minute to say 'thank you'.

Mar 7 - 8PM
narcsurvivor
narcsurvivor's picture

I feel the same way. This

I feel the same way. This forum is like a haven for me to come to when I'm feeling confused and down. My ex-N also used to get me so riled up that I would end up yelling and cursing at him, while he was laughing at me. He found it so amusing that he even recorded it, though I don't know how often. I only know of a couple of occasions. And that was only toward the end that I found that out. God only knows how long he had been recording stuff or what he does with them (or plans to do with them). I also started to feel my morals get compromised. I lost interest in things like volunteering. I felt the energy totally escape me. I noticed this in particular at a holiday party I gave two years ago. He was the social butterfly, the life of the party. In prior years, when I had a party without his presence, I had no problem socializing and making conversation. This time, though, I just couldn't find any words. I was literally just sitting on my couch surrounded by my friends, listening to my ex tell story after story. Afterwards, he would boast about how he was the life of the party. Yes, thank goodness for this forum and for the internet. Otherwise, I might have never discovered what this disorder is all about and how dangerous it is to continue being around these people.
Mar 8 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
neveragain
neveragain's picture

Me Too

While I was with the N, I would find myself getting SO angry. I'd just come unglued! The weird thing was, I couldn't argue my case to him because he was SO good at blame shifting. I felt my anger getting more and more out of control and felt helpless to stop myself. I would listen to his comebacks and start to second guess myself. I thought I was going crazy. The other thing was that after I managed to leave (finally) after several failed attempts, some of my friends pointed out how different I was when I was with him. They said that I wasn't as happy, carefree, funny or sociable. Looking back, I can see why. EVERYTHING revolved around him....was he happy, having a good time, did he like the food, was he comfortable....?.....and on and on and on. Always HIM. Never me. Thank God for this website. It's only after being on here for months, going to therapy and reading the books Barbara recommended, did my fog start to really clear. Like that song, "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone"! Now, almost a year and a half later.....I'm still learning and sometimes (but it's less and less as time goes on) grieving "Pretend Boy". They're good....they're very, very good at creating an illusion that we fall for hook, line and sinker. Once they start to devalue us, we will scramble, beg, plead and sacrifice to get Pretend Boy back. (My therapist equates it to a meth addict trying to get back that first "high" ewwww). The only thing is, Pretend Boy was never there in the first place. He was just a cardboard cutout. neveragain